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Being played. Paralyzed.

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HalfTime2017 posted 1/17/2019 13:52 PM


Sorry that you find yourself here, and that you are in so much pain, in a foreign place. I'm going to suggest something different than from what others have noted, although it might be a bit late, since you Husband already knows you're upset about something.

Since you're intent on Divorce, I'd suggest a spontaneous move to a state back in the US that has favorable infidelity laws for the BS. You can change your tune with the hubby that you are out of sorts right now, not b/c of his infidelity, I'd still keep that part of it a secret from him that you know, and tell him that you no longer am happy in the current country or the job. Or that you Job has asked you to relocate back to one of those favorable states, I think NC, Tennessee, some of the Red states still have favorable laws for alienation of affection.

Use that tactic to get the most favorable outcome for your Divorce and keep your distance from the husband, and let him keep on with the Other Women. If you can do that, you should be able to secure a favorable judgement on your divorce. You may have to reside in that state for at least 90 days prior to initiating the Divorce. This will surprise your Husband, but should get you the best D settlement possible, of course, I'm no attorney, so you should consult with one first.

I've been where you are at, and have also finalized my D. If your decision is to D, you should play the hand to the best of your ability.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/17/2019 13:59 PM

((Speedbump)) I personally decided to confront my WH in person. I wanted to see his face while he was giving me his reasons.

ShutterHappy posted 1/17/2019 16:36 PM


I would like to chime in and say that what your WH is doing to you is beyond the pale... When you look at the good SI people that replied to you and you see their post counts... those are true vets helping you with good advice.

You canít really go on in this situation, this is really not healthy for you. You will need to take control and get out of infidelity. Stevesn gave you lots of good scenarios in two of his posts.

I will echo other SI members here and tell you you need to surround yourself with friends and family to support you, even if itís on Skype.

Please take care, you have tons of virtual friends here rooting for you.

Kaia73 posted 1/17/2019 16:45 PM

I have no words of wisdom. I mostly lurk and read but your story touched me. I'm so sorry this is happening to you but I really want to tell you that the grace and class you are conducting yourself with are incredible. You are doing amazingly well and I just wanted to tell you that I admire your courage and grace through this horrific ideal.

annanew posted 1/17/2019 17:58 PM

H texted again asking could I please just answer his texts, all in caps! So I did, kinda, and told him all the info is in his calendar. He replied again with '???" So I replied with the same, "???" I then got "what's up with you? you haven't texted once since you've been gone and now you can't answer me?" I told him I did answer and the info is in his calendar so he asked me what was wrong with me and was I in a bad mood or something --- and it devolved from there because I started to really stew. So I send him, "yeah, that's what it is. I'm in a bad mood...smh...the answer to all our problems." He hates to argue and basically cut it off by saying, "whatever your problem is, we'll talk about it when you get home. Good night." And so I said the only thing that popped into my mind then..."I'm not coming home. Good night." And turned my phone off.

I like your style, SpeedBump

I hope he's experiencing at least a fraction of the anxiety he has caused you.

TheGuy123 posted 1/17/2019 20:23 PM

Nice reply!!!

I would have finished it with a thumbs up icon or at least a or a but that's just how I roll. You don't give enough credit to playing games.

I mean you have a treasure trove of intel...If I had what you have when I was going through this!!! The things I could of done in playing with my WW and AP head.

You know you can go get a new phone and number and pass it on to your boss,lawyer, trusted family and friends.....

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:29 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

TheGuy123 posted 1/17/2019 20:36 PM

If you can't get the time to go home, then at the very least take the weekend off and hang at a resort, some spa time and just get pampered!

SpeedBump posted 1/18/2019 02:54 AM

It's been a really tough 24 hours, Team SI.

First, I spoke to the lawyer but didn't get much help there as not one in family law. I did learn it requires a year of separation and seems similar to "no fault" states back home. No penalty for infidelity and community property type laws. I have a referral for a divorce lawyer and he set me up for a meeting in early Feb. He also suggested I could consider filing in the US home state as I still work for a company and own property there. He suggested I consult with an attorney there, too, so I will. It was only a 30-40 minute call and just initial discovery but was helpful, even so. Very surreal to have such a call and then just carry on with my day like it was any other call I'd have during the business day. Weird. Sad.

On to the big news. I confronted my H. I never, ever turned my phone back on so by the time I got home, he was hopping mad. I seriously considered not going home but knew I had to face this and like Thanksgiving 2016, I wanted to do this face to face to see his reaction. I told him I had some really important, life-changing stuff to tell him but before I did, he needed to know that there was absolutely no arguing about facts that I had and things would be far worse if he tried. I told him things were as bad as they could probably get already.

And then I told him I absolutely, with 100% certainty, knew what he and neighbor were doing behind my back and to my face and that I was done!!! Oh my gosh, it rolled from there. I went on a rant about how destructive his actions were, about how we had built so much up just to have him tear it down and for what? What did she have that he had to have it so bad he would destroy it all? That I was an amazing wife and woman who worked hard, loved deeply, gave generously and that we enjoyed an amazing life together and had fun...yet still was not enough or what he wanted. I told him I had nothing left to give. I have never been and felt so violated, disrespected or treated so poorly my whole life. I couldn't fathom the level of hatred he must harbor towards me to do what he was doing and that he was an oscar worthy actor for being able to fool me the way he did, or is the world's scariest sociopath.

I wouldn't let him talk and he listened to me in stunned silence with shock and then with pain evident in his expressions. He hung his head for a lot of it and I just kept telling him that the least he could do was be a man and look at me when I talked to him. I must have said that a dozen times....LOOK AT ME!!!

I told him it was over, I was done, that I had loved him so deeply and would never understand how I stupidly could have believed he loved me, too. Told him I was devastated, in more pain than had he literally stabbed me in the heart with a butcher knife, that I was disgusted, enraged and truly understood how people could murder someone else and understood crimes of passion like I never thought I could, that I was not SICK but heartbroken and my gut was telling me something which is why I couldn't eat, that he was what was making me sick and why I now looked weak and gaunt. All of that was on him, the horrible person he had become, the adulterer, the psychopath with no moral compass and called him every name in the book I could muster up. I told him I didn't even want to know why he did it and that it had nothing to do with me, that I knew I was a good person and didn't deserve any of it and that every last bit of this was on him, and her, but that I didn't care about her and wouldn't walk over to help her if I heard her screaming for help if she was being murdered or her house was on fire and she was trapped in it. I said I'd be perfectly fine pouring myself a glass of wine and putting on head phones and nice music to drown out her screams and that he could have her and they were perfect for each other and they could descend in hell together and should probably go and find another victim for their sick games. They were two of the lowest human beings, scum of the earth and evil incarnate. My only mistake was choosing a wrong partner but that I would get over it and recover but this is who he was and he would have to live with that forever.

And I just kept on and on and on and the weeks of dealing with this internally just came pouring out and wouldn't stop, until it did, and I just collapsed. I literally fell on the floor and collapsed. In a heap of a mess, crying on that floor uncontrollably. And he laid next to me and held me and cried, too, and never said a word.

I finally stopped and weirdly fixated on the floor and that it needed sweeping. So very weird. I finally got up, said I was going to take a shower and go to bed and that he should move to another room from now on. I showered and then slept the entire night! No 3am wake-up, no getting up to go to the bathroom, nothing. Just sleep. And now I sit here and have no idea what today will bring. And I have no idea what he's thinking. Not one clue.

Booyah posted 1/18/2019 03:44 AM

Heading out the door but wanted to chime in real quick.

Glad you finally had the opportunity to confront him and doing it face to face!!

Everything you said to him needed to be said as you've been carrying this (and the weight of it) for quite awhile. It's to be expected that you just collapsed and we're finally able to sleep through the night.

Who cares what he's thinking as I'm sure he'll come up with some lame ass excuse.

Very proud of you SpeedBump and as much as you're hurting yesterday was the first step on your journey to healing from this betrayal.

Try to eat today and take care of yourself.

fadedrainbow posted 1/18/2019 04:03 AM

Eloquent, courageous, strong. We are all rooting for you Speedbumb, whatever happens going forward know you will be OK though right now it may not feel like it. You have acted with complete integrity and authenticity inspite of the deplorable actions of your H.((((Speedbump))))

ShutterHappy posted 1/18/2019 05:47 AM


You truly are an amazing lady, and team SI is 100% behind you. I send you strength (although it looks like you donít need it )

I hope you didnít tell him your source of information. He will probably TT and gaslight, and blame shift you at this point.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/18/2019 05:55 AM

((( Hugs, Speedbump )))

Lalagirl posted 1/18/2019 06:07 AM

You GO girl!

I know that was exhausting, but oh so liberating! I, and your massive team of SI peeps, are so proud of you.

I'll give him some credit - he kept his mouth shut while you got everything out. Be prepared; he's in damage control mode now so you may want to find a way to go NC with him physically very soon. Quite frankly, I would not want to hear his voice or see his face.

Huge hugs, SpeedBump...

Freeme posted 1/18/2019 06:08 AM

I loved your confrontation.

That I was an amazing wife and woman who worked hard, loved deeply, gave generously and that we enjoyed an amazing life together and had fun...yet still was not enough or what he wanted.
I loved that you put all the blame on him and her. That you got it all out. I loved that you made him examine himself and what he did to you and your marriage from the victims view point. Their little games might have seemed silly to him then but how hurtful/cruel/abusive they were to a woman that loved him so deeply.

I can't help but think they though you were this timid, naive little mouse that they could do things in front of and then gaslight for their amusement. You set the record straight with that confrontation...

Very proud of your confrontation. It is interesting to note that he sat and listen to all of it. That he didn't start shouting louder or run off to OW house. I don't feel this was an exit affair.

They were two of the lowest human beings, scum of the earth and evil incarnate. My only mistake was choosing a wrong partner but that I would get over it and recover but this is who he was and he would have to live with that forever.
I loved that you pointed out that he was the stuck one and that you would move on and have a much better life.

No wonder you are sleeping better. That's a whole lot to keep bottled up.

sinsof thefather posted 1/18/2019 06:22 AM

SpeedBump, you handled that amazingly well. I'm so glad you got the opportunity to get that all out. Please know that a lot of people here are rooting for you and wishing you well. Be prepared for you WH to want to talk today. (((Hugs)))

ChamomileTea posted 1/18/2019 06:31 AM

I'm sorry. That must've been so hard. The confrontation is so nerve-wracking and takes so much out of us, and yet it's somehow cathartic too. I'm not surprised you were exhausted afterward and finally able to sleep. You really did do a wonderful job of getting your point across though, so kudos!

The next few weeks will be difficult ones, so it's good you have this trip back to the States scheduled. You'll need some time for yourself.
From here, many cheaters go into manipulation mode... and it looks absolutely REAL too.

That's not to say that some cheaters don't eventually recover their humanity, only that most don't have it on DDay. The reason their tears and grief seem so real to us is that it's real to them. If you think about it, active cheaters are operating from a place of egocentricity so extreme that basic empathy for the one they vowed to love and cherish is nonexistent. They can't feel real empathy and still do the things they're doing. We torture ourselves in the aftermath wondering HOW they could do these things, but remember... it's all about them. They are the center of their own emotional world, and they have willfully ignored our humanity in order to do the things they've done. This has become their daily norm, completely and utterly ego-based. The tears and grief in the beginning are for themselves, not for their victims. It takes TIME for empathy to reassert itself, and in some cheaters, it never does.

Crocodile tears are real to the crocodile. That's why they look so real to us. They're sorry to be in this pickle. The jig is up, the game is over, and many are honestly confused as to how they got where they are and how things got so bad. The light of day is on their actions and suddenly, all those rationalizations look pretty weak and hard to justify. That doesn't mean your cheater won't try though. It's quite possible he will.

His most likely story will be that he got swept away in it and that the OW thought up all the little games to tweak your nose. And you know what?... it doesn't matter if that's true or not. It was HIS job to maintain marital boundaries to begin with. Nothing he says can explain away HIS participation. And frankly, you aren't obligated to listen to any of his explanations. You aren't obligated to tell him how you found out, or even what you plan to do about it. You can just do the 180 and tell him he can email you any questions and that you'll forward them to your attorney. You are no longer required to argue with him, hash things out, or act as his wife. He fired you from that job when he unzipped his pants.

It takes time for a cheater to find his remorse, or to inadvertently prove he has none for that matter. Feel free to take a step back and observe his ACTIONS. And don't give up your methods either. This could be an important tool for you. There is usually lots of contact with the AP right after confrontation, although some cheaters are cagey enough to change means.

This is getting long so let me just leave you with this... the egocentricity of cheaters may (or may not) be real narcissism. But whether the narcissistic behavior is permanent or temporary, it's still narcissistic behavior. That means the cheater will respond with either Rage, Charm, or Self-Pity, and quite often he'll cycle between all three in his attempts to manipulate an outcome. Recognize each mode so as to not be taken in.

I know it sounds like these guys are very deliberate in their manipulations, like they're planning it all in demonic glee. But that's not what's happening. Their reactions are most often kneejerk. They are reacting to the demands of their own ego-based need to reassert control of the situation. It looks authentic because it feels authentic to the cheater.

Your cheater might rage at you or stonewall you, he might declare his love and offer to change, he might shut down as if he were the victim in despair of all this. Whatever he does though, just remember that not enough time has elapsed yet for his ego's hold to be broken.

It's going to be tough going for a few weeks. But you're going to be okay no matter how this thing pans out. Believe it.


[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:37 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

childofcheater posted 1/18/2019 06:38 AM

(((Speed bump))) good for you!! Keep taking care of yourself first!

Stevesn posted 1/18/2019 06:44 AM

You did not deserve to be put thru that. It was necessary but you did not deserve it.

You did a great job. Over time you will know if heís someone who can step up and be accountable for what he did.

The good part is that youíve started your journey out of infidelity.

ChamomileTea had great advice for you. Suggest you read her post a few times.

Eat, drink, exercise. You need your strength.

Ripped62 posted 1/18/2019 06:48 AM


You confronted him well. Now you no longer are a victim to their sadistic games. They needed to hurt you to make it more fun or enjoyable for them. You did well removing yourself from their deluded and despicable acts of manipulation. I am glad you halted the abuse.

I am so proud of you for removing yourself from their abnormal thinking, perceptions and behavior. You do not need to be a part of their disordered thought processes and actions.

Believe nothing your wayward spouse says and only about 50% of what you see.

Do not try to understand his wayward thinking. It is asinine. He gets to own who he is and what he has done. He had choices and so do you. Please execute what is best for you based upon your needs.

You have taken a great step on your journey of getting out of infidelity.

Please take care of yourself. Place yourself first. Keep moving forward. Wonderful members have been reaching out to you.

We will be with you on your journey out of infidelity.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time in your life.


[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:58 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 1/18/2019 07:06 AM

Well said, Speedbump. Well said. High five!

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