SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Danielle0506 posted 1/11/2019 16:41 PM

So I'm very new here and this is my first post, but I'm hoping to hear from anyone that has went through a similar experience. I caught my boyfriend attempting to sext one of his facebook friends on messenger. Now it didn't get very far due to her not being interested (probably bc he has me all over his facebook and his profile picture is a picture of us). Anyway, I packed my things and left, and he has been blowing me up and begging me to try and work it out (crying..etc). Now I know he loves me dearly I mean we've been ring shopping, and he was planning to propose this year. His mom had been helping him plan everything out. He says he did it out of the blue without even truly thinking about what he was doing, and that it was just a weak time in our relationship. I will admit I had been ignoring him a bit that week.
I really want to work it out, but I want him to know how unacceptable his actions were.

Has anyone gone through anything similar?

(the sexting really didn't get anywhere, but he attempted it)

beenthereinco posted 1/11/2019 18:25 PM

He says he did it out of the blue without even truly thinking about what he was doing, and that it was just a weak time in our relationship. I will admit I had been ignoring him a bit that week.

So if you ignore him for a bit he can try to find someone else to have sex with? Come on. That's not an excuse and you should know it. Every couple has periods where they are busy and can't have as much of each other's attention. They don't try to find someone else to sleep with. You really need to think hard about making any kind of permanent commitment with this man.

Robert22205https posted 1/11/2019 23:39 PM

How do you know this is the only instance?

How old are you guys?

How long have you two been committed?

Are you financially dependent on him?

Danielle0506 posted 1/12/2019 06:03 AM

25, we've been together for 2 years & we don't financially depend on each other. He gets the majority of his check deposited into my bank account so I can keep track of finances but we both split our bills.

I'm not going to lie at the beginning of our relationship like the first 7 months or so, I would find myself texting other guys as well like after an argument. They never went as far as sexting but they were definitely flirting and now looking back on it I don't even know why I would do it. I feel like that's what is so wrong with my generation is we are so dependent on social media, & it's so easy for us to just send over a quick flirty DM bc that's our primary way of communication. Having a conversation like that in person or let's say over the phone verbally? Not a chance.

Well that's the thing, on the sexts he never asked for anything. He never asked for pictures, or to meet up. He was only keeping it as talking dirty over text. I think that is what's making it harder for me. I mean if he tried to meet up then there is no way I would even be considering any type of reconciliation bc then it would be right there in black and white of what his intentions were. Since it was only flirty and sexual texts, I just feel like it is such a grey area of what he was truly wanting from it.

Simplicity posted 1/12/2019 06:15 AM

Oh dear. It's ok at the beginning of a relationship to explore. But you said you two were looking at rings, and you now caught him trying to sext someone? How can he really love you if he is doing that?? I am glad you two are both financially independent. You should take some time to take stock in your life and decide what is and is not okay in a committed relationship. What does it mean to you, and what are the boundaries it should have?

Wool94 posted 1/12/2019 07:12 AM

Dating and engagements are specifically to find out if your partner is marriage worthy.

If he hadn't been caught, how far would it have gotten?

When did you realize what you did previously was wrong?

You see, intentions really are everything. This isn't a grey area.

If both of you don't set your boundaries now, you are in for a lifetime of disappointment.

Stand your ground. If you want to make it work, get counseling. Talk to a pastor.

This is just my belief, but i personally think there shouldn't be any sex before your married either. But, i'm old fashioned like that.

Wool94 posted 1/12/2019 07:20 AM

Let me add this.

We were married 13 years with 2 children before she decided to have an affair.

I'll say that i would never change having my children. They are my heart but...

Do you think, for one second, that if i hadn't had an inklng of what she was gonna do, we would've married?

Not a damn chance without there being some intervention. This your chance. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

totallydumb posted 1/12/2019 08:11 AM

If you decide your BF deserves another chance, perhaps it would be a good idea to put off ring shopping for an extended period to see if his behavior changes. Might be a good idea to give him lots for time to show you who he really is, good or bad.

Crushed7 posted 1/12/2019 08:35 AM

You are experiencing cognitive dissonance and that it pretty typical after discovering betrayal. Your brain is trying to reconcile who you believed your BF to be and what you discovered about who your BF actually is. As a result, you are trying to rationalize, minimize and justify what you found as not being so bad.

he has been blowing me up and begging me to try and work it out (crying..etc). ...He says he did it out of the blue without even truly thinking about what he was doing, and that it was just a weak time in our relationship.

In the meantime, your BF is pulling out every manipulative and blameshifting trick in the book. His tears are aimed at trying to get you to feel bad and come back all while they really only are about his regret about being caught. He is trying to minimize his behavior with some variation of an insanity defense and then moved to blaming you for contributing to a "weak" relationship. What he isn't doing is taking responsibility or digging into what it is about himself that is broken and that contributed to his actions.

Putting all of this together -- you are experiencing all the common dynamics that come with betrayal. Your partner is trying to find a way to get you to rugsweep what happened all while your mind is still spinning. Plenty of us can tell you exactly where that leads and the pain that awaits. Please learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them. Your BF showed you who he really is -- believe him. While it is painful to end things, it will save you a lot of future torment and gives you an opportunity to find someone else who will treat you with real love and respect.

Robert22205https posted 1/13/2019 00:02 AM

Two years in and planning on getting married?

Your flirty texts during the first 7 months is not comparable to his behavior at this point in your relationship.

Reaching out to another woman is not appropriate.
Crying, blowing up your phone, reaching out to another because he felt ignored/didn't think of you is manipulative and immature.

His mommy is planning your engagement?

Your boyfriend sounds very immature and self centered. Based on his justification he basically reaches out to other women whenever he's bored.

Move out and start dating others.

ICaughtThem posted 1/13/2019 14:27 PM

The period of time when you are engaged and newly married is most likely the best your relationship will ever be. You're both young, no kids, parents still alive, no big debts, etc. Just going out, fun, and sex. If he's setxing other women at this point, what will happen when life gets tough? This doesn't bode well for your marriage.

You also admitted to texting other guys after you two had an argument. That's a slippery slope as well. Neither of you should be discussing your relationship with members of the opposite sex.

If this relationship is going to move forward, you both need to work on your face to face communication between each other. It's pretty shocking to see today's youth, all sitting in the same room, not interacting with each other, with their faces buried in their phones. There's more to life and relationships than smartphones.

Danielle0506 posted 1/14/2019 14:59 PM

To the users that gave me advice on why I should detach myself from the situation, thank you.
& thank you to those who gave me advice on steps I should take if I decided to try and work it out.

Right now, I have cut off all communication with him, and I've really just been focusing on myself and having fun with friends.

To those who called him "immature", or judged for planning to get engaged after 2 years, I think you are missing the purpose of the website. It's to help and talk about SURVIVING infidelity.

If my future son plans on flying his gf to Greece to propose, of course I would help him with choosing a photographer, etc.
I feel like complaining about that is so irrelevant and negative.

Honestly though, the positive advice has been so extremely helpful through this breakup I almost feel bad that it's been easier than I thought! I've copied and pasted the thoughtful advice from a few of you to help me through the tough moments. :)

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/14/2019 22:07 PM

Hi Danielle,
Sorry that you're going through this difficult time.
I was in a similar situation with a guy who had bought a ring and planned a proposal but was still flirting with girls and couldn't commit. The act of buying a ring is romantic and meaningful. But if his motives aren't pure, then a prosal has little significance.

Also, you mentioned things didn't get far because the girl was not interested, not because he saw the error in his way? In the future, how can you be sure this won't happen again, and the next girl won't be interested. It's a bit alarming that these things are occurring during an exciting time in a relationship.

I hope you don't blame yourself into thinking that because you were ignoring him a bit that somehow excuses his behavior. I don't believe anything is out of the blue. Thoughts turn into feelings, feelings turn into actions. This was a process for him. I hope you realize that you deserve someone who won't act out because they're lacking attention or whatever ridiculous excuse.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/15/2019 15:21 PM

Hi Danielle. As was stated above, 2 kids, 13 years later... I love my WW and my kids to death, but had I known for 1 second that she was going to have an EA I would have run for the hills. I suggest you do the same. This will only escalate.

IslandGirl4418 posted 1/15/2019 15:50 PM

HUGE RED FLAG!! Most of us had many of those over the years and chose to let it go at some point but they catch up to you eventually and that's why we are in our situations now. I wish I would have paid more attention to my early red flags. I hope you do.

Writersblock122 posted 1/15/2019 20:01 PM

Danielle,
The best thing about this site is you can pick and choose whose advice to take. If something doesn't sit well with you, then you can ignore it. I know some comments seem negative, but everyone is just trying to help. We've all been there. I needed some tough love myself in the beginning.

One reason your BF attempted to sext another girl is because it allowed him to feel in control of something. He may have been hurt that you weren't (in his mind) paying enough attention to him. Since he couldn't control your attention on him, sexting assuaged his feelings. The more mature thing would have been to tell you how he felt. That's why a few people mentioned the immaturity. A mature person would have acknowledged those feelings and communicated them to you.

My H's cheating experience was through social media, so I know how easy it is to downplay the situation and tell yourself it's not real. In fact, my H used that as an excuse. He said it was all fantasy and he never physically touched anyone, therefore it wasn't really cheating. Lots of therapy and reading several books taught me it IS cheating. Period. Some may call it "cheating lite", but it's still cheating nonetheless.

I agree with the poster who said next time, the woman he sexts may be interested. He may find someone who LOVES sexting and is excited to get a message like that. At that point, without extreme self awareness, he will fall into the cheating trap. That trap can then lead to additional, more extreme cheating behaviors.

If you decide you want to work it out with him, I recommend taking it very slow (no wedding planning, yet). Definitely get couples counseling and he also needs IC to find out why, when he has those out of control feelings, he decides to contact other woman. He'll need to figure out how to communicate with you more effectively, identify when he's feeling the need to sext/cheat and refocus on a positive behavior.

soulhurt posted 1/16/2019 04:44 AM

Run now before it's too late. Consider yourself lucky you found out he was a cheater before you got in too deep with him. Imagine you married him bought a house had kids then catch him cheating. My 1st wife was a serial cheater and I caught her cheating when we were engaged and my mom told me to stay a merry her so I did. She went on to cheat during our marriage multiple times. I should have run when I caught her before we married. Also I left a angry message on one of her affair partners answering machines and his girlfriend who he was engaged to heard it before he did and she left him. She called me to thank me and it saved her from marrying a cheater.

benomania posted 1/16/2019 06:22 AM

my 2 cents are this. I did something similar to that 20 something years ago. Today I'm a devoted loyal husband and father. My family is my world. Some people will change after 1 indiscretion. The 1000,000 question is; was this truly a 1 time deal?
I't no accident we are all here.
For me my wife may have strayed several times.
No proof for me either time.
Now that we are raising kids I'm left with the baggage and the issue of trying to figure out what happened and will it happen again (a possible 3rd time).
Same type of deal. Sexting/ social media dating etc..
The big question is which type of person is your BF?
The one time cheater or the serial cheater?
Only you and him can answer that question.
If you think he's a potential serial cheater that's a different type of problem.
You see where I'm going with this?
I hope you get this resolved and figure out what's best for YOU before you settle into a long term jail sentence.
Best of luck

1Faith posted 1/16/2019 17:30 PM

Eyes wide open..

Yes we all make mistakes but please, please take this to heart..

What you allow will continue

Meaning you give him this "pass" then you have given him permission to wander....

IF you get back together PLEASE define your boundaries. What you will and will not tolerate.

His sexting isn't a "slip" it is a reflection of who he is...

Eyes wide open, protect yourself and know you are worth more than this skanky bullshit. Don't settle for his lies and weakness.

(((be strong)))