BB19,
Since you took off the stop, I can give you my perspective as a BS
I am journaling and seeking help with an IC
Literally the bare minimum you should be doing. I didnt see anything else that you're doing, but if this is it, then IMO, no, you're not doing enough.
my BH is suffering so much from PISD that I can’t do enough to help him
You will come to learn that you have to focus on you and he has to fix him. There will always be more to do, more to make him feel safe, more to make him feel "good" about the marriage, but if you're struggling early on that it may be too much for you, I would throw in the towel. At 6 months after dday 2 where it sounds like he never healed and likely rug swept the first dday...you have a lot coming your way. Prepare to be strong or dont bother, reconciliation isn't for the weak and impatient.
for 10 years he lived those affairs and what I had done over and over again it had to have caused him a great deal of pain
As a BS, your world has not just ended but imploded and by whom? The person you hold most dear in the world. The one you loved so much you got a group of people together, you wore fancy clothes and vowed to everyone and before God that you would never treat them like this. Some BS will disagree, but to me, an affair is the murder of a marriage. There is very little relatable scenarios that compare to it, but the ones I've read about most are rape and the death of a child. Once you can empathize with this, assuming you can do so, you will be a lot more sympathetic to the struggles your husband is going through.
he talked and texted with this woman for 2 years keeping it from me
Sounds like an emotional affair and theres always the possibility it was physical, but I will say this, 1) this is not an excuse for you to have an affair (after you found out) and 2) you have to 100% of your actions, he has to own 100% of his. Just because someone does something bad to you, you do not have justification to have an affair, there is something disconnected within you that would allow you to betray someone you claim to love.
I told him one time a few years after that he just needed to get over it and we never again talked about it
Yeah...no. you see therror here so I wont go into that. I will point out that this proves you to be unsafe to talk to. BS will need to talk things through a lot and you will need to be transparent. Honestly, the first time my wife says this to me, the marriage will be over. You cant permanently change this man forever and then want him to get over it. It's like crippling his leg and yelling at him to walk straight.
I can’t do another 10 years like that so what can I do to help him ??? I want to make it work and be happy.
Hopefully after everything else I've written, you read this and do a face palm. Typically, healing takes 2-5 years, depending on the betrayal or betrayals in your case, how remorseful and empathetic the WS is and the work they do.
Honestly, if you dont want to struggle for the next 10 years, you shouldn't have had an affair.you dont get to treat the marriage like its garbage and then say you need a happy marriage. This post doesn't sound like you get it or that your remorseful and if knew how hard it was for the first dday, that your husband years later was still in pain and you had another affair...girl you dont care about him, at least not like a partner should. Do him a favor and let him know you cant be the person he needs and get a divorce.