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Am I doing enough ??

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BetterBoat19 posted 1/8/2019 13:38 PM

My BH and I are 6 mos from Dd2 and I can stand myself for what Iíve done to him. I am journaling and seeking help with an IC, so I am taking the time and effort to work on me to ensure it doesnít happen again.

Iím concerned however that my BH is suffering so much from PISD that I canít do enough to help him. Itís not the first time I have cheated on him that have been others many others, after this last time he had stated he wanted a divorce and at that time I was willing to give it to him. I just couldnít see living another 10 years with him in the state of what I had done 10 years prior. Our story is a long one and Iím sure there may be some with similar stories and hoping I can find advice and help here. But after some long nights and long decisions weíve decided to reconcile and stay together. We have 4 beautiful children and no one that is close in our family knows anything. My best friend and his are the only ones that know anything.

I know he needs help through this and I want to help the last time 10 years ago he found a similar sight and talked and met with other and told our story and helped them through theirs and he says it seemed to help and maybe in some ways it did. However for 10 years he lived those affairs and what I had done over and over again it had to have caused him a great deal of pain. He kept all of this from me for 10 years, he reached out to an old girlfriend from high school and they would talk about our marriage he said he never told her details he says of what I did but he talked and texted with this woman for 2 years keeping it from me and denied anything when I had asked about it. I would see messages from her on his phone even though he had changed her name to a manís name. I saw a few messages one night about him missing her and for her to send pictures to him. At the time I did not know who she was and when I asked about it he threw it at me saying what was I doing to think this way and I must of been guilty of something. At that point in time I was not. But it made me feel betrayed but that I deserved it that I made him do it. I thought there was a relationship going in between them. I found out about her after our second DD and to this day he says nothing was going on with them even though they communicated for 2+ years that I know about. Now with all that being said he has cut off any contact with her. But a few days ago he had a nightmare I am assuming about the affairs and he was angry and I knew something was wrong so I asked him about tit and he got emotional and said he needed help, said the times before talking with others disconnected from us helped him and he feels he needs to do that again.

Here is my fear he lived in my betrayal for 10 years and we never really talked about it and when we did it was always directed at what I did and how I could do such a thing which I get but it was very hard for me to hear. I told him one time a few years after that he just needed to get over it and we never again talked about it. Now I know I shouldnít of said that and I know he needed time to get through it and now I know he needs the help. I just fear that him talking to others will prevent any communication in our relationship and it will go back to the way it was for 10 years with us. Never truly being open and vulnerable with each other and never being truly intimate with each other and never talking about our feelings. I canít do another 10 years like that so what can I do to help him ??? I want to make it work and be happy.

xhz700 posted 1/8/2019 13:43 PM

I don't mean to be too blunt, but what has changed?

I mean, if you have had several affairs... it doesn't seem like you are very concerned with your husband not being hurt.

Why are you here? What is the problem you are trying to fix?

Jorge posted 1/8/2019 14:21 PM

Itís not the first time I have cheated on him that have been others many others, after this last time he had stated he wanted a divorce and at that time I was willing to give it to him. I just couldnít see living another 10 years with him in the state of what I had done 10 years prior.

Why not? Considering the massive damage you've caused, the bare minimum you can do is provide unconditional support to help him recover from pain caused by your actions. Sounds like after 10 years, you're still not remorseful.

Your willingness to divorce was avoid witnessing the residual effects of devastation you caused. You may want to rethink your motives. Remorseful motivation will enable you to be present for as long as needed, along with the fact that you love him, want to be with him and only him. With this in place, the time component is a non-factor.

I'm not saying you don't think this way, but nothing in your post indicates it neither. You also have to factor in his PTSD behavior is not only what you have done to him, but what you could possibly or even probably will continue to do, as your affair history suggests.

His best means of recovery starts with your faithfulness to him, in demonstrable fashion. If this isn't your commitment, his PTSD fate is sealed, as he'll remain in it for the foreseeable future or as long as you continue your infidelities or flirting along those boundaries

PTSD symptoms often include hyper anxieties where the person is anticipatory of events, because of past history. It's possible, every time you talk with a man, your husband is thinking or asking himself is this another AP? What have you done (actions) to reassure him he's safe with you? You have much work to do... on yourself before you can help him restore his lost spirit.

[This message edited by Jorge at 2:42 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 1/8/2019 14:35 PM

You spent more time telling us about his relationship/friendship with his old girlfriend than you did about your affairs.

What kind of affairs? how many AP's What have you done to work on yourself?

OP...this is hard work for you and him. And first step is to be honest with yourself. This group is a great support and will challenge you. It will hurt and you will be defensive but its going to be needed. Keep posting...even when its hard

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 2:49 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

max2018 posted 1/8/2019 14:41 PM

From what have written

You have done nothing, NOTHING

You talked in detail about him venting to a friend after you shamelessy told him to get over your cheating but when it comes to your betrayals its too long
And YOU cant live like this YOU want to be happy like you didn't make all this mess

From the way you wrote

Give this poor man a divorce and be fair to him don't try to take him to the cleaners , set him fre so he could heal

[This message edited by max2018 at 2:44 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

MoreThanBroken posted 1/8/2019 14:59 PM

Since you took off the stop, I can give you my perspective as a BS

I am journaling and seeking help with an IC

Literally the bare minimum you should be doing. I didnt see anything else that you're doing, but if this is it, then IMO, no, you're not doing enough.

my BH is suffering so much from PISD that I canít do enough to help him

You will come to learn that you have to focus on you and he has to fix him. There will always be more to do, more to make him feel safe, more to make him feel "good" about the marriage, but if you're struggling early on that it may be too much for you, I would throw in the towel. At 6 months after dday 2 where it sounds like he never healed and likely rug swept the first have a lot coming your way. Prepare to be strong or dont bother, reconciliation isn't for the weak and impatient.

for 10 years he lived those affairs and what I had done over and over again it had to have caused him a great deal of pain

As a BS, your world has not just ended but imploded and by whom? The person you hold most dear in the world. The one you loved so much you got a group of people together, you wore fancy clothes and vowed to everyone and before God that you would never treat them like this. Some BS will disagree, but to me, an affair is the murder of a marriage. There is very little relatable scenarios that compare to it, but the ones I've read about most are rape and the death of a child. Once you can empathize with this, assuming you can do so, you will be a lot more sympathetic to the struggles your husband is going through.

he talked and texted with this woman for 2 years keeping it from me

Sounds like an emotional affair and theres always the possibility it was physical, but I will say this, 1) this is not an excuse for you to have an affair (after you found out) and 2) you have to 100% of your actions, he has to own 100% of his. Just because someone does something bad to you, you do not have justification to have an affair, there is something disconnected within you that would allow you to betray someone you claim to love.

I told him one time a few years after that he just needed to get over it and we never again talked about it you see therror here so I wont go into that. I will point out that this proves you to be unsafe to talk to. BS will need to talk things through a lot and you will need to be transparent. Honestly, the first time my wife says this to me, the marriage will be over. You cant permanently change this man forever and then want him to get over it. It's like crippling his leg and yelling at him to walk straight.

I canít do another 10 years like that so what can I do to help him ??? I want to make it work and be happy.

Hopefully after everything else I've written, you read this and do a face palm. Typically, healing takes 2-5 years, depending on the betrayal or betrayals in your case, how remorseful and empathetic the WS is and the work they do.

Honestly, if you dont want to struggle for the next 10 years, you shouldn't have had an dont get to treat the marriage like its garbage and then say you need a happy marriage. This post doesn't sound like you get it or that your remorseful and if knew how hard it was for the first dday, that your husband years later was still in pain and you had another affair...girl you dont care about him, at least not like a partner should. Do him a favor and let him know you cant be the person he needs and get a divorce.

pinkpggy posted 1/8/2019 15:17 PM

I'm confused. When was your last affair and when did it end?

SelfishCheater posted 1/8/2019 15:26 PM

To answer your title topic, "Am I doing enough" .. my answer would be, no.

And please do not be defensive about this answer because the ONLY TRUE person that has a right to answer this question is your BS. Look in his eyes and you will have your answer.

Whenever I "think" I am doing good/better my BS is solid about snapping me back to reality and he asks "are YOU doing enough?" ... The very fact his question is laced with his own flavor of pain and anger tells me all I need to know and my answer is "no, I am not doing enough" and take it in, I apologize, and then get back to work.

It does not matter who your BS is confiding in right now. You should be grateful to anyone that is able to bring him some amount of peace that you stole from him. You need to stop focusing on issues that are doing zero in regards to helping him heal. Right now he feels trapped. Trapped in a nightmare and the only reasons he has probably not walked out the door long ago are your children.

Start by posting your story, tell us about your affairs. What you think your reasons were for cheating again and again and then tell us why you care all of the sudden about someone you did not give a second thought to while you were pleasing yourself and your APs.

No tears, your tears are pointless to you and to your husband... roll up your sleeves and get to work.. let's hear it!

WilliamM posted 1/8/2019 15:47 PM

BS here. An affair are like a battering ram on your life. Once it does damage, it takes time repair that damage. You used that battering ram multiple times. In your marriage there is no trust. His trust in you is zero. You are faithful now but once the right situation occurs you will fall back into the same habits and you will cheat.

It is good that you are journaling. It is good that you are in IC. But you and your husband swept your affairs under the rug. When that happens, his triggers are never addressed. Every time you are on your phone and every time you are typing an email he is thinking who is she talking to. Every time you leave the house, he is thinking who is she going to see. His nightmares are because of you. His triggers are because of you. Where any of your affair with a person he considered a friend?

You ask are you doing enough? Answer these questions and it will give you an idea if you are doing enough. How many affairs did you have in 10 years? How many APs do you have? Are you still in contact with them. Do you work with any of them? Does he even know who they are? Did you write a time line of your affairs? Give him every detail? Did you do things with the AP you never did with him? Did you do things with the AP that you refused to do with him? Did you let him see your communication with the APs or did you delete everything? Does he have access to your phone, your email, your social media accounts? What are you doing to show that you are trustworthy? Why should he believe you will be faithful now after 10 years of unfaithfulness? Are you remorseful? Mot just regret but remorse? How do you feel about your APs? Hate? Indifference? Disgust? Friendly?

I can writer questions for hours. But this is just to give you an idea.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 3:52 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

HellFire posted 1/8/2019 15:58 PM

To clarify, 10 years ago you cheated with several men...and 6 months ago, he caught you in another affair? Was it one affair this time,or several again?

BetterBoat19 posted 1/8/2019 22:48 PM

Where to begin. So yes to answer your questions I am remorseful, I am transparent, I have cut off any contact, and I understand the damage I have caused and I hate myself for it. I came looking for help from others that have been where I have and seek advice. I am ready and willing to do the work.

Yes I am POS and I donít deserve a second chance I realize that more than you know. But he has given me one and I donít want to mess it up. He knows about all the men and the pain I caused him the first time and heís willing to still love me and give me a second chance. I canít walk away and i do love him. I want to be a better person and not let this ever happen again.

I take full responsibility for my actions and know I am only to blame. My story :To start I would go out with my girlfriends and men would flirt with me, I liked the attention I got and it felt good to be told I was pretty or hot or what ever line they gave me. The more often I went out the more often it would happen and a few would ask for my number and I would give it to them and a few I would get drunk and end up kissing them later in the night. None of them really amounted to much no long relationships and most were done and over with that same night. 10 years ago a customer of mine gave me some attention and began flirting in email. We continued for a bit and then it went to text, we agreed to have coffee and then we starting meeting up and making out. We went to say third base but no sex happened. One night out with my husband I was drinking and he had ran into a friend and was talking with her most of the night. I tried to get him to dance with me but he was not interested. So being drunk mean and very hurtful I danced with another man in front of him. This of course got his attention and we went home. I slept off my drunkenness and we started talking and he started asking questions and it all started coming out. Little by little tho and night after night a little more and then a little more. Like the more I said then more I saw him die a little more and even tho I had done it I was not ready for the hurt I saw pour out of him. I guess I never thought he loved me that much and that it wouldnít hurt him as much as it did. I was finally open and told him about everyone.

So I was open finally which I know broke trust even more and I was transparent I changed my number, I cut off all contact, I stopped hanging out with my friends that had been there with me, my family that knew I eventually cut off ties with them too. And we didnít talk about it much like this elephant in the room that wouldnít go away. I always felt never truly forgiven and never truly forgave myself. We chose to not open up and talk about it and it seemed to make it worse.

A year and a half or so after that I went to my brothers wedding which my husband told me recently was upset about but never said anything. I was there for the weekend again I was drinking and one of the groomsmen started flirting with me. Iím not sure how much I drank all I know is I blacked out. I remember bits and pieces but of what I do remember is that we were kissing and fondling each other and doing oral in his car, we eventually ended up in the hotel room having sex. During the act I realized what I was doing and stopped it. Although he was pressuring me to continue and pressuring me even more that I canít leave him like that. Feeling a little drunk and not sure what to do next I helped him finish with his hand and some oral and immediately after took a shower. I felt so disgusting and sick to my stomach that I could barely sleep. He stayed but I did not talk to him or let him near me the rest of the night. The next day when he left he asked if I was ok and I said no and that was the last time I had any contact with him. My oldest brother was witness to the kissing in his car and when I went to him the next morning he told me not to tell my husband told me it would make things worse for us. My brothers best friend offered the same advice. I never told them that we had sex I kept that secret to myself. So I went home and felt like a complete failure and awful. My husband never knew at this time about it. A few months later we experienced financial difficulties and ended up losing our home. I could see how bringing this up and telling him would help or make things better. So we moved in with his mother and are still living in her house today. I felt like I could be better than this and not let it happen again although at times when I would go out I would still flirt at times not all the time but way too much for a married woman. But I left it at that.

About 3 years ago I was on a trip for work and was teamed up with a man. We would talk and one night a group of us went out and we started to flirt heavily. We had each otherís phone number and he texted me after we got back to our hotel how he wanted me. I was still feel the effects of the alcohol and feeling taken by his advances that I invited him to my room. We made out pretty heavily and kissing each other pretty much everywhere. I canít remember everything we did because of the alcohol, again the next day I felt awful I couldnít eat I couldnít concentrate I felt awful and he said there is nothing to feel bad about if he was taking care of you the way you needed you wouldnít of let me flirt with you. So we continued to talk and flirt and text the week I was there on this work trip. The last night we ended up in my room again. I left my undies on but things did start to happen and I again stopped myself before I felt it was the full act, but he did penetrate me a couple times. He ended up master-bating next to me and came. He left to his room and the next day we talked about maybe somehow trying to see each other again. This did not happen after he got home and a few text between us he sent me a message on Instagram telling me he told his wife about me and how awful he felt for what he did and what we did together and that I should do the same. Well I did not tell my husband but kept it to myself. We had a few group texts we were in after that and he did call me at work one day to ask me to talk to his wife but lie and tell her nothing happened between us thy we just talked. I did not feel like telling his wife lies so we did not have any more contact. No one knew of this affair that I know.

So here I was of April 2018 and I get a text out of the blue from an old male coworker ďHappy Easter ď I wasnít sure who it was so I asked him who he was and he told me. We texted a bit that day about work and I told him I had to get back to my family. So being curious of why he had texted me in the first place I texted him again stating I did not mean to come off rude and sorry if I did. He said I wasnít and we began texting each other. Lots of texting took place and lots of him telling me how beanie I was and how much he liked me when he worked with me and how much he thought about me after work and all these things that I liked to hear. He made me feel beautiful, wanted, and excited. I could wait to keep texting him and talking to him on the phone. I needed up opening up to him about myself and telling him what I had done in the past to my husband and how I felt we just never got over it and how I felt like if it wasnít for the kids he would leave and how i felt if when the kids were out of high school he would leave me. I told him how I felt that maybe my husband didnít really love me after what I did. He made me feel like a priority in his life, I hadnít allowed myself to feel that way for a long time. And he listened and fed off of everything I told him and would use it later against me when I would say we canít do this. But I continued texting and calling and although feeling bad for but almost feeling justified for finally having someone know all of my secrets and bad things and still want me. I fed into him and made him feel good about himself and he did the same for me. He met me for a few minutes one night after work and we talked and texted afterward. We had phone sex a few times but no physical contact between us until he came into my work one day and we ended up kissing in my office for a while. Then We met for drinks one night after work I told my husband I was out with a female co worker. We had drank for a few hours and we ended up in his truck and it got very heated and I gave him a BJ and he came. I went home and we continued to talk and text. He came into my work a few more times after that which we would sneak a few kisses here and there. But as things progressed between us we started having stronger feelings for each other and decided to meet at a hotel and spend the day and night together. We had planned to spend the day by the pool and pretend we were a real couple. We met at the hotel went up to the room as I was changing into my bathing suit he went down on me and we had sex for a short time til he came. And we went to the pool and hang out and drank and pretended we were a couple. Later that evening he left to go prepare a surprise for me he came came down about an hour later and took me back to the room. I donít remember much because I blacked out. But I do know we had sex and must of continued it for a while. In the midst of us kissing we were t actually having sex at the moment my phone rang and it was my husband. We talked for a bit and he said hold on I have another call, he didnít actually click over but muted the phone. The man I was with started to have sex with me while I was on the phone and as I made moaning noises my husband said what are you doing ??? He knew and there was no denying it. He said plan on leaving when you get home. I came home that night and met my very hurt, destroyed and angry husband. I told my husband that I hadnít felt loved or wanted or attractive to him anymore and tried to blame him for what I had done.

We had talked for days and nights almost divorcing and then confessing to each other all the hurt we both felt for the last 10 years, he told me how he had tried to deal how he pushed me away on purpose how I just didnít feel we had in love feelings in our marriage anymore talked for days and stayed up night after night and those day turned into weeks. So what we finally decided is that we had a family vacation planned and we would go on vacation and see how we did and decide what to do when we came back. Well this vacation was amazing like a second honeymoon for us and we spent time talking and opening up to each other and telling g each other how we had been feeling and really connecting with one another, more than we ever had our entire marriage it was truly amazing and we have continued to try to do that for each other with lots of compliments and lots of working to build each other up. I know we can be great and although our marriage has ended in a way I know we can build a stronger one and I can be stronger for him.

I admit after I read my first post it does sound like what a lot of you said and I am taking responsibility being transparent and I have told him everything. My tangent went a direction I did not mean for it to and I can see where it seems like I was blaming him. Not what I intended. I just want us to be better than we were before all of this and I know it will take hard work and time and Iím up for the challenge.

Thank you for the opinions and helpful words they sure do help.

firenze posted 1/8/2019 22:58 PM

Stop drinking. Never touch another drop of alcohol for as long as you live.

Jorge posted 1/9/2019 01:34 AM

Lots of information on your sexual escapades, but none on what you are doing for your husband. You ask if you're doing enough, but I still haven't read what it is that you're doing for him.

bookworm19 posted 1/9/2019 03:33 AM

As Firenze said, the first and extremely important step would be: Stop drinking! You obviously lose inhibition and control when you do.
My question is, do you even love your husband (not meaning to be harsh, just curious). You seem to have a lot of resentment towards him, this would be another thing you should address, I think.
And to answer your question, no, if you have to ask and nothing gets better, you are propably not doing enough. Dig deep and solve resentments and let go of expectations. And no more rugsweeping. Be consistent in your actions.

And hope for the best

foreverlabeled posted 1/9/2019 05:23 AM

Hi BetterBoat19 and welcome.

I began to write all the wisdom and advice one usually gives to the WS that first show up. I just couldn't get past one thing you stated. You said this time he's asking for a divorce. So are you doing enough? It doesn't matter, he doesn't want it. This isn't a second chance you blew that with your recent affair. To suffer through one dday is tragic and to ask him to do it again is a lot, not many are willing and I can't blame them. I often see my H in my mind in all his pain and trauma, my thoughts drift to those early days where his eyes are stained with tears day in and day out. How I could see the physical effects of his heartbreak in every inch of his body. Did you not witness this too in your BH? And to stab him in the back once again, I think you've done enough, enough damage for one lifetime. I think you should find an ounce of respect for him and let him have his divorce and not beg and plea in desperation to save your happiness. Think of his happiness for once.

You might be thinking this goes against everything you thought, you might be thinking "shouldn't I fight for him?" But, I would ask what's your argument? That you've changed? That THIS time you triple promise it's the last time? IC will help you no doubt but as you stand today you have nothing to offer him.

I don't say any of this to be mean. It's just, what if your son or daughter came to you and described their spouse's cheating just as you described yours. Would you encourage them to return to that abuse?

Believe me I get it you don't want a divorce, you never meant to hurt him or for it to come to this, something like that, huh? You aren't a safe spouse though, and a high risk that would bring sheer terror to even the strongest of strong. And the kindest, most selfless thing you could do for your BH is to release him from this prison.

And just because a couple divorces doesn't mean that they cannot one day reunite. You could use that time to work on you and your issues. Get your shit together as we say. Prove that you can possess integrity and good character. Change is hard and it doesn't happen just because you are scared and don't want to lose your marriage. Sure it can ignite the want to change but it's only sustainable if you have a deep desire for it because you are sick of you. And it's too early to tell. Because with your history it seems you rather enjoy it too much. You will need a lot of time to unravel it all and frankly its not fair to ask your BH to wait and see, only to find that another ten years have passed and now he's wasted his entire life.

max2018 posted 1/9/2019 06:45 AM


That will be your third or fourth chance right

You cheated first time you saw how destroyed you BH is and you went and did it again

Your post dripping with blame shifting
I was drunk, I blacked out, my BH didn't love me blah blah blah

What will you do if you were in your BH shoes ?

You have no business being married with this mentality

The most unselfish thing you can do is give him a divorce

But if you want to work it out get ready for a life time of work

No drinking at all nothing

No male friends allowed

Quit the job you meet the APs in

Expose yourself to everyone

Cut anybody who helped you hide the affairs, the friends and family and make sure you tell them why and tell your BH about them

If any of your APs have a spouse inform them or let your BH do that

No more social media for you

Take initiative all was don't wait for your BH guide you


[This message edited by max2018 at 6:48 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 1/9/2019 08:11 AM

Hello BB. I'm a BH.

Your question asks whether you are doing enough. None of us can know that. Only your BH can. But I will try to offer some helpful suggestions.

From your description of your history, it sounds like you have poor boundaries. You enjoy the compliments and attention of men because it bolsters your self-esteem. I completely understand this, but you must understand that this worldview is anathema to being married. When you get married, you promise your husband that you will forsake all others. The opinion of other men as to your beauty or attractiveness or sexiness should be irrelevant to you. A rule of thumb: "If you would not do or say (or text) something in the presence of your husband because he would not like it, then don't do it at all. Ever." If you stop taking those small first steps towards the slippery slope, then you'll stop sliding down it from time to time.

As others have noted, a corollary to this is that per your description it sounds like you have a drinking problem.

All of the foregoing goes to one of the two prongs of successful R: making yourself safe in the eyes of your BH. Clearly something is broken in your moral compass. You need to figure that out and fix it, and you need to demonstrate to your BH that it is fixed, so that he can feel safe. You won't be able to R if he doesn't feel safe with you.

The second prong is what I call "the ephemeral matter of the heart." Your BH likely feels emasculated and sexually humiliated by you. He may feel like he is your sexual "Plan B". I'm just guessing here, but these feelings are common among betrayed men. For R to work, he has to be convinced that he is your sexual Plan A. There is no formula to this. It helps, though, if you are proactive and initiate often with him, use your imagination and creativity to make sex exciting and new, etc.

I will say that, despite your self-described chronic infidelity and your history of bad behavior, it sounds from your posts like your heart is in the right place and for some reason I feel hopeful for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:12 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

thatwilldo posted 1/9/2019 12:34 PM


I think a good place for you to start is by reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and pay particular attention to what she says about boundaries. This is your biggest problem. Also, I agree with others that you need to stop drinking.

I hpo this helps.

xhz700 posted 1/9/2019 12:41 PM

You aren't a POS, you are an addict, and not just to alcohol.

You need to get to the bottom of why, even when these behaviors disgust you, they continue.

BetterBoat19 posted 1/9/2019 18:14 PM

First off yes I do love my husband more than I have shown for years. I love him and donít want to lose him not because Iím afraid to be alone but because Iíve seen first hand how good we can be together. Our entire marriage has not been all bad and we do have a lot of good things about our marriage. Take all this away and we are a pretty good team.

But know that I did not beg him to stay with me, this is his decision and he has chosen to stay and try to work through this. I am not forcing him to do so and have expressed that same concern to him many times. But he says he still loves me and wants to try to work through this and he feels we can be great together as well. The sex between us has been amazing and we have tried new things and started actually kissing and making out and we havenít kissed in probably years not like this anyway. He took me out shortly after DD 2 and bought me a ring as a symbol of his renewed commitment to me and I accepted it with the promise I would work through my issues and become a better person. I have recommitted myself to him and gave him a book of promises I intend to keep to him. I know I have a long way to go and I when I stated earlier that I want to be happy it does not mean I am not willing to put in the work, I wouldnít be here if I didnít.

Many of you had said I should just give him a divorce and it has crossed my mind, I know he deserves much better than me and what I have given him he deserves to be happy and have someone that can love him better than I have. I have expressed this to him and he again says he wants to try.

For some years after the first time he started having issues with ED I did not know at the time this was the issue he would just refuse to have sex with me at times or go soft while doing it. In my mind I thought he was just so disgusted with me that he did not want to have sex with me. Now I do accept that I am more than likely the reason for his ED and that I have broken him to the point where he didnít feel safe with me. I have been coming to terms with that as well. I understand and know that any pushing away or withdrawal from him was a direct result of me and what I had and have done and I canít truly place the blame on him for any of it. Thank you for helping me with that. Everything that is wrong is because of me so itís up to me to fix it and if he is willing to try I am willing to put in true work to not only try but succeed.

I have cut off friends and family that had anything to do with this, I have changed my number distanced myself from any and all things that could lead down this path again, drinking is done and I have found a new awareness in myself and am disgusted by any and all men that may try to come in to me. I do want to change I do not want to be this person any more and I owe it to my husband, my children and myself to be a better person. This is my rock bottom and I am sick and tired of playing the victims and feeing sorry for myself. Only I can change me and I am determined to do so. As far as quitting my job I am trying but I cannot just walk away this is our only means of steady income and insurance for our family. I am not traveling anymore and like I said before I have distanced myself from any male counterparts and when I see something in them I withdraw even farther.

All of your truths are helpful and helping come to terms with all the work I still need to do.

I guess the start of my first post was how do I help him and I know by helping myself is going to help him.

With all of that we have started a new relationship so to speak and it has been wonderful. More than I deserve I know but I am working through many issues of self worth, shame and ways I was brought up to deal with harsh situations. This I will not go into as I have a long road ahead and lots to still work on with my IC. I do want to change and be better.

Coming in here I did not know how to start but with all of your guidance I am realizing how awful I sound and you are all right with the things you said. So thank you again.

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