Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15

Marz posted 1/6/2019 00:20 AM

Those that get strong quick and stay there come out best no matter which way it goes.

You're the prize bud. Use your value and do not accept the unacceptable. You'll find you don't have to.

Marz posted 1/6/2019 00:23 AM

Use her wanting to protect him as your leverage against her.

It may buy you some time while you get things in order.

Having to live with that in your face everyday will be extremely hard on you.

ShutterHappy posted 1/6/2019 05:17 AM

collapsed,

Iím really impresssed on how you are handling all this.

Your discovery is recent and itís very painful and it must be really hard to think straight.

I agree to wait one day to inform the OBS if you wish.

When you contact the OBS, make sure she is the OM spouse (in case you made a mistake and you are informing the wrong person)

Itís possible that she is separating because of the affair with your wife, and you might get more information, so brace for that.

The most important is that you get out of infidelity. It can be done either through R or D. R requires that your WW is remorseful about the pain she is causing you and itís not happening right now.

It sounds like you are considering D right now which is another good way to get out of infidelity. You are allowed to change your mind in the future and go fo R and the ďSI teamĒ can advice you there as well, but for now I assume D.

You are correct that you need to strategize and form a plan based on your goal which is getting the best outcome for you.
Here are some thoughts:
- cut all communication with your WW family. They are not your friend.
- lean on your friend for support
- have a plan on what to discuss with your WW. Since youíre going to D, you donít need to hear her ďjustificationsĒ etc... if she says itís all your fault because you didnít bring the milk on Monday, your reply is ďIím sorry you feel that way. Now for the visiting schedule...Ē.
- Again, if youíre going to D, she can keep contact with the OM, or have 3 different BF, it doesnít matter as long as the children are unaffected.
- Get tested for STD. Specially since you said there might have been other OM.
- the 180 is only for you to detach, not to manipulate her into doing stuff.
- get a lawyer
- donít tell HR. You get cheated on and you have to pay alimony? No. If you choose to R in the future, that will be a different story.
- remember that you can only change yourself, you canít change her, you canít fix her and she wonít be your problem anymore.
- donít trust anything she says. Think about the amount of straight face lying she has been doing in the last 9+ months. That takes some skills.

You want some mild revenge? Eat well, exercise, get fit, exercise more! act as if you donít care about her messed up life and be happy that you are getting rid of a cheater.

Hang in there, you will get through this!

Butforthegrace posted 1/6/2019 08:20 AM

Collapsed, I would add that the strategy you have created does diminish that likelihood you will ever know the truth of your WW's A in terms of its duration, extent, frequency, etc. Since your WW is still in contact with the AP, what you have done is created an opportunity for the two of them to get their stories in sync, and to go on a deleting spree in terms of messages, emails, etc.

If you are going to D, the truth is probably irrelevant. However, this will likely be a barrier if you ever change your mind and choose to pursue R.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/6/2019 09:30 AM

C, once youíve committed to D, the further you get away from her drama train and start leaving all of that stuff behind, the better. Satisfy your ďduty to reportĒ to the OBS and then donít look back. Look forward, for you and your kids. Especially your kids.

What is the ideal end state of the D? Burned bridges and scorched earth following a fangs out court fight? Or an amicable as possible split? Pick the end state you think is best and pursue it with laser-like focus, keeping maximum control of the process. But recognize your WW unfortunately gets a vote.

For here, once youíve committed to D, and it sounds like you have, think about posting in the D forum. Thereís about 10,000 person-years worth of knowledge waiting to help you claw your way out of this mess, ending up better than you thought it could be for you and your kids.

Sending strength!

annb posted 1/6/2019 09:50 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. I read through some of your posts last night. Even though you are devastated, you have a good handle on things so far. One baby step at a time.

I have to agree with the others, the OBS has the right to know what her husband is doing, even if they are headed for divorce. Please don't keep their dirty little secret. In my situation, the husband of my WH affair partner found out about the EA, decided not to inform me, he confronted his wife and my husband, they agreed to end it, well a month later his wife met my husband at his hotel when he traveled to her site. When I found out he knew about the then EA, I was livid that he didn't have it in him to inform me.

Anyhow, when I found out about my WH affair, I went shock and awe. I threatened to inform his boss, her boss, and provide them with email exchanges that happened during work hours and on company emails. While my WH ended the A on D-Day, both he and the OW knew that I meant business, both of them were literally crapping in their pants knowing at anytime I could expose them, any wrong move and they were toast.

Please don't protect your WW or the OM. They created this hell, they need to feel some of the pain they have inflicted on two families. It's not your burden to bear, it's theirs.

BTW, I told OW she needed to tell her husband she slept with mine or I would tell him. She did bc she knew I was one scorned woman, and I wouldn't back down. I confirmed it with the OW husband, and we were able to share some evidence we both had. Thirteen years later, and years to recover, therapy, medications, and living in hell, I still resent the OW husband for not informing me. It would saved two families years of grief.

totallydumb posted 1/6/2019 10:35 AM

Hi Collapsed,

Sorry you are here. I am not an expert in this mess you find yourself in, however I know enough to look at some of the other stories on here. Almost all of them follow the same sad script, mine included.

It is almost like these waywards and their APs have a playbook that they follow.

Once we realize this, it becomes very obvious what works and what doesn't work to get you what you want or need. Read some of these stories, look for similar situations, what actions were taken and what the outcome of those actions were, lots of good information there for you to see.

The advice you are getting here makes perfect sense. It may seem to you that your situation is unique, but in reality it is similar to many other stories on here.

To me it looks like the POSOM has lots of experience in the cheating game. This is not his first rodeo! I wouldn't be surprised to find out he is a serial cheater. He knows the game, and how to play it. By exposing to the OBS, he now has to focus on a different problem other than your WW. He very well might be separated/divorced from his spouse, but if he is experiencing some consequences from the OBS because of his shitty behavior, he will in all likelihood not be too concerned about your WW.

Give this POS something else to worry about.

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 10:43 AM

Anyhow, when I found out about my WH affair, I went shock and awe. I threatened to inform his boss, her boss, and provide them with email exchanges that happened during work hours and on company emails. While my WH ended the A on D-Day, both he and the OW knew that I meant business, both of them were literally crapping in their pants knowing at anytime I could expose them, any wrong move and they were toast.

Thanks annb. I have a question for you regarding this. I also have evidence that a lot of affair action took place during work hours. Like, a lot of texts.

Right now I DON'T want to go to HR with the information because I don't want to risk my wife losing her job and me owing her alimony forever.

However, I've considered doing what you did: threatening it, and threatening to expose them to coworkers and bosses.

What I'm just not sure about is how close to play my cards. I don't want to give them time to figure out a plan to counter my threat. So, I want to use it as leverage, but I also don't want to play my card too early and open up an opportunity to lose it.

Being that you have some experience there, any thoughts?

GMinor23 posted 1/6/2019 10:55 AM

Hello Collapsed,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I am proud of your resolve right now, but I want to throw some cautionary wisdom out there.

I, too, had a horrific reveal with way too many details to handle. This drove me to an icy cage of rage for almost a week. I was able to be calm and collected around both my wife and former best friend (the AP), continued to collect the information I needed to file for D, smiled, joked, no one knew any better.

The problem is rage has a shelf life.

I felt like I had been purged with a baptism of fire, and that nothing could possibly hurt me any more, but I was very, very wrong.

My concern for you is that you have already indicated thoughts of self harm (I would venture that almost all of us BS have, this is unfortunately part of the amazing gift of infidelity), I would plead with you to make sure you are in extensive individual counselling, multiple times a week, immediately. This was indispensible for me.

Also, make sure to be calm, always. If you cannot be, detach, leave if necessary until you are calm. The suggestion of a VAR is an absolute must. If it is legal in your state, get an automatic call recording app for your phone conversations. Email instead of text.

I never ever would have thought my wife was capable of the level of manipulations and accusations she threw out after DDay, nor did anyone else who has ever known her. But like your wife, she exhibited no remorse, and she would be damned if she was going to be accountable for her actions. She is going to rewrite your marital history to make herself as victimized as possible to rationalize her affair, and this may go on forever.

In my case, she would keep a VAR, and then bait a reaction out of me (like mocking me sexually compared to AP), over and over, hoping to get a vicious reaction, something to be able to use for custody leverage, all recordings done without my knowledge. This occurred while she stated that she was committed to Reconciliation! Be prepared to protect yourself and your children, and trust virtually nothing she says.

This is no longer a marriage, or even a relationship, your wife killed those. If she was erupting with regret (and eventually real remorse), AND you were both committed enough to each other to be willing to endure years of hell for the reconcilliation process, then I might advise differently. But this sounds like war.

In war, give nothing of your position. Do not make threats, avoid conversations that are not perfunctory living and coparenting arrangements. Implement the hard 180 for your well being.

She does not need to know anything about you, your plans, your thoughts. Threats (like going to HR) are unnecessary, because they would only be useful if you were trying to elicit a response towards breaking up the affair, which is not a path I would recommend, as it will escalate her level of perceived threat from you, and she will respond accordingly. She lost the right to knowledge of your intentions when she destroyed your family. Realistically, anything you give her would be used and twisted against you as long as her emotional committment is still to him.

Wishing you strength and patience. You will get through this. Keep posting.

NotInMyLife posted 1/6/2019 11:01 AM

...because I don't want to risk my wife losing her job and me owing her alimony forever.
That's not going to happen. Most states have limited spousal support and even if your wife were to lose this job, she should qualified to get another to maintain herself. In any case, this is one of many issues you need to discuss with a lawyer asap so you get an understanding of your state's laws and an idea of what is likely to happen in your case.

What would be intolerable would be for her to be unemployed and living in your guest bedroom while you are divorcing. I'd definitely want to avoid that. Again, talk with a lawyer about the advisability and timing of informing HR. Regardless of if/when you go to HR, most people would heartily endorse having her served at work.

threatening it, and threatening to expose them to coworkers and bosses.
Don't make any threats today about any of this, just listen (and record) to what she has to say. In fact, making threats is generally pointless; just get your plan together and act. You are only 2 days away from being dropped down this rabbit hole; give yourself time to plan what is best for you.

Speaking of plans...are you ready for today's session with your wife?

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 11:06 AM

GMinor, thank you, that is what I needed to hear. I think we have a lot of similarities in our situation.

Thanks for the advice on avoiding threats. I will certainly do that. You're right, there's no point in trying to elicit some reaction from her.

She mocked me as well man. I saw some mocking in the text messages too. Fuck I don't think I'll be able to get over that one.

Trying to figure out how to wage a secret war here. She's already pushing to find out if I've seen a lawyer or not and she's panicking that I'm going to try and take her kids away from her. I have been trying to avoid answering directly but that may as well be telling her.

I feel like I need to move fast but I just don't feel like I have a clear vision of what exactly I want or how to proceed yet. I tend to be an indecisive person in general.

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 11:13 AM

Speaking of plans...are you ready for today's session with your wife?

I hope so, brother.

I wrote up a script last night. Studied the 180. Had I known there was another man involved, I never ever would have done the "pick me" behavior. Never, ever.

So she wants to talk about kids today. At least, that's what she said.

I wrote out what I want to say, word for word. It's about 2 pages long. I'm going to record the conversation and I live in a state where I can legally do that. First I want to talk about truth, being honest. I'm going to tell her that I'm in a different state of mind today and that I expect her to answer all of my questions, even the ones that I asked her on thursday. She can either be truthful or lie, but to keep in mind that I already know answers to the questions I'm asking, and being lied to makes me want to make this so much more difficult.

I also am informing her that she gaslighted me for 6 months about her affair. And I'm going to try to appeal to her sense of decency and respect for what we once had to see if I can guilt her into answering. Probably not, but it's worth a shot. The her I thought I knew before would have been affected by this line of reasoning. I don't expect much but I figure it can't hurt.

Then I have about 15 different affair related questions that I'm going to ask and record the answer to.

After that we can move on to talking about the kids. I'm going to propose a general schedule and some ground rules, both about how the schedule works and how we interact with the kids. I'm going to warn her not to seek emotional fulfillment from our children and that if she does, I will try to disrupt the entire thing.

Next I want to talk about living arrangements. Who stays where, set some ground rules, and set a timeline to discuss ideas for next steps at the end of the week. I am considering proposing that we get a studio apartment and take turns staying there when we're not with the kids. Kind of depends on the situation and what I discuss with the lawyers this week. But I thought that might be more cost effective than trying to get a full second place and a second set of everything for the kids at this point. Just an idea, and I haven't said anything to her yet. That's why I want to wait a week.


THANK YOU EVERYBODY for all of your help and your encouragement. I have cried a bunch of times just from feeling so thankful that I have people supporting me.

Edit: Sorry for typos and if this doesn't make sense. She's home now. IN the room playing with the kids. I'm sitting on my laptop in the hall, partially observing. We haven't said anything to each other yet.

[This message edited by collapsed at 11:16 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]

NotInMyLife posted 1/6/2019 11:46 AM

She's already pushing to find out if I've seen a lawyer or not and she's panicking that I'm going to try and take her kids away from her.

Tell her that she's known for 6 months that she was cheating on you, she owes you some time to figure how to deal with that. And if she wails about the kids, ask her if she was planning to take them out of state to be with her boyfriend. Keep her on the defensive and deflect her offensive attempts.

Getting a studio sounds reasonable but don't propose it in this discussion. If she pushes for more access to the house, ask her why you should house her after what she's done and that you are being generous to allow her to stay in the spare room while she gets herself together.

Do not disclose any of your plans or how much you know. Just stay in information gathering mode. If you have the guys name from the other affair you suspect, say something like "and how about [name], what happened there". She'll lie of course but she'll know that sooner or later the truth about that will come out too.

Note: How were you supposed to engage a lawyer between Thursday night and now? Tell her you need space figure out the best way forward for all of you.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 12:25 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 1/6/2019 11:53 AM

Sorry for.your situation. But do you really want to share an apartment with your STBXWW knowing that she can have her POSOM or any other guy there when you have the kids at home?

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 11:54 AM

Sorry for.your situation. But do you really want to share an apartment with your STBXWW knowing that she can have her POSOM or any other guy there when you have the kids at home?

Disgusting. Good point.

I mean he lives in another state but I believe he'll still be traveling to town from time to time. I'm sure they'll be getting together.

[This message edited by collapsed at 12:05 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

totallydumb posted 1/6/2019 11:56 AM

Something doesn't add up here.

Your WW doesn't want you to blow up her AP's marriage.

You find out he is separated/in the process of divorce.

This doesn't make any sense.

If the AP is in divorce process, he would not be too concerned about exposure, unless he is trying to reconcile?

Or he is lying to your WW?

Or your WW is lying to you?

We all know these people lie..... there usually is some sort of a reason why though.

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 12:00 PM


If the AP is in divorce process, he would not be too concerned about exposure, unless he is trying to reconcile?

Or he is lying to your WW?

Or your WW is lying to you?

We all know these people lie..... there usually is some sort of a reason why though.

Yeah, for what it's worth, here's what I was told. He is trying to make things work for the sake of his kids. Whatever happened before, his wife tried to divorce him and take full custody. It seems like they are trying to work things out and he wants to be involved in his kids lives.

So WW is worried about him losing his kids, and his kids losing their dad if this is all exposed and the mother goes through with the divorce or custody battle or whatever it is.

I take this all with a grain of salt because my WW spewed it out amidst a bunch of other lies. Who knows what's true and what isn't.

I'm going to call the guy's wife in a few hours after I talk to mine. Just waiting for the kids to go down for a nap.

hard_yards posted 1/6/2019 12:12 PM

hi collapsed, first off I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this nightmare.

There's a lot I could say, I'm nearly 20 years in at this stage, 2 ddays, years apart, 2 different OW, 2 different situations.

Seeing as your WW is in the home right now, this is what I'd like to suggest.

Don't engage in trying to get answers, as much as the questions eat at you, you already know she can lie to your face so you can't trust what she says. What ever spurious reasons/excuses she gives, they won't make you feel any more at peace.

As you've already decided on D, and I applaud you for this, then try to keep any conversation to one resembling the breakup of a business, no emotion, or as little as possible. She doesn't care about your heartbreak, if she did, you wouldn't be where you are right now.

Stick to finances, childcare and responsibilities while she's still in the house.

Don't show your hand, don't tell her your plans, don't tell her anything a lawyer has told you, it's up to her to find out information herself, you are no longer a team.

Move her belongings out of your room, she has another partner, she gets a different room. She has fired you as her husband, so act accordingly.

I know this all sounds tough, but aim for indifference, this is to protect yourself, and your kids. No arguing, no crying, no pleading.

Read up on the 180 and put it into action, it will be your friend.

She has forced change on you, but nothing says you have to make it easy on her. She will be expecting you to beg her to change her mind, throw her off balance by not doing that.

Immediately, separate out your finances, take half of any available cash and put it in an account she can't access. If you're on a joint phone plan, cancel it, get your own.

As for the OBS, tell her when you're ready, at the moment just concentrate on you and the kids.

It will get better, I promise.

Please be kind to yourself, and protect yourself, this is trauma like no other.

totallydumb posted 1/6/2019 12:14 PM

Sorry for.your situation. But do you really want to share an apartment with your STBXWW knowing that she can have her POSOM or any other guy there when you have the kids at home?


Or worse yet, when you are at the apartment she has POSOM at the house with your kids?

I think at this point the apartment idea should be shelved, but might be a viable option down the road.

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 12:20 PM

Yeah good point. I figured there'd be holes in any ideas, that's why I wanted to reconvene at the end of the week once I feel like I have time to order my thoughts and my finances.

Speaking of finances, I benefit from the fact that a lot of our online accounts are in my name and I control the username and password. I changed our savings account right away. I'll be moving 1/2 of the amount into an account as soon as I can get to a bank and open one on Monday.

Thanks again for the advice everybody. I'll post an update and a reply later. Game face on, the kids are going down for a nap. I've purged all emotion. I'm acting indifferent, almost positive. Got my crying done a few hours ago. Need to remember to maintain composure and try to think clearly. Wish me luck

and THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy