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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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NotInMyLife posted 1/5/2019 21:14 PM

Your wife isn't concerned about ruining the guy's life. She's worried that he will go into damage control mode and pull away from her. She doesn't want him to blame her for overturning the precarious balance of his current marriage.

I'm all in favor of notifying the betrayed spouse, it may be more effective though, to do it on the same day that your wife is served; provided you do that fairly soon. Two weeks or so would be okay, a couple of months would not.

Another alternative would be to let his know when you plan to serve so that she can coordinate hers to be delivered at the same time. The risk there though, would be that she might give her husband, and therefore your wife, advance notice.

Marauder posted 1/5/2019 22:41 PM

I know there is a lot of stress, anxiety, and pain involved here but right now you're handling one very important aspect terribly.

Yeah I mean I'll admit that giving him the opportunity to tell his wife may not have been a great decision. I feel worst that it might allow him to frame up how he tells his story, which obviously affects his wife more than me. I'm still going to try and reach out to her. Even if she doesn't believe me, I have physical evidence (pictures) of what I know.

This, right here. Is a huge mistake. It affects you very much. Because right now your wife has the OM in her corner, he's someone she can lean on, who supports and coaches her on how to approach this. It weakens your position, gives the two time to coordinate and double team you.

On Friday morning my WW told me she contacted him and told him everything, ended their affair, and told him he had to tell her. He apparently said he'd tell her on Sunday (tomorrow).

Why are you believing your wife at this point? She has lied to you, repeatedly. She's more concerned about the OM. All you're doing is being inactive and passive as these two are in overdrive trying to cover their asses as well as coordinating with one another. Stop this.

You're telling others you're not pandering to your wife but that's exactly what you're doing. You're turning from active, to reactive and being reactive by default means being one step behind and in the weaker position.

I feel like I'm being strategic

You are not. You're using "strategic" as an excuse for inactivity here. You gain nothing from being passive and handing them the initiative. What you gain from contacting her, beyond a clear conscience is to open a second front, likely knock out the legs from under the OM and destroy the support your wife is receiving from him. If you believe they're not in contact anymore, you're naive.

[This message edited by Marauder at 10:43 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

pureheartkit posted 1/5/2019 22:51 PM

Collapsed, I went through the same for two years, not understanding why my WS was angry and moody all the time. I tried and tried to fix it. While they are emotionally caught up in someone else its like they are another person. Its incredibly hurtful. Then you see all the love and attention they were giving to someone else and its crushing.

But none of it was ever your fault. You were the same loyal person while they lived a sneak around life. You tried to do the right things but it couldnt work while they idealized some fantasy. Believe me, that fantasy ends quickly when the truth is out. The joy gets sucked out really fast. They have to face who they are to the world and the magic evaporates.

So many good men, good fathers have come here and it makes me upset everytime a loving father tells his story. You are the one who has the right to demand what is best for your family. She cuts out this nonsense now. The lies stop now. The poor me excuses stop now. Shes got to see how shes taken her life to a dark and selfish place. She risking her childrens happiness. Dont give in. You had the right ideas, the right intentions all along.

You are going to come out of this and be an amazing father. Please dont be afraid, look after your health and think deeply about what you want your life to be. There are so many people who went through this, decided to go after the things that mattered the most to them, and now they are really happy. Their kids are happy and love that their dad is happy. This is your moment. Tell her she can get her priorities straight or not but youre not allowing one more day of nonsense.

Im one year out and it still hurts but I feel a control in my life I have not felt for a long time. When you feel your power, the fear eases. There is a feeling that things can be better than before. Its nervous while you are having all your emotions raw and strong but that will pass. Focus on what is right and dont allow any dishonesty like her blaming you for her own bad actions.

firenze posted 1/5/2019 22:55 PM

Okay I need to reflect on this because I feel like I'm being strategic, not pandering or lacking dignity. But I seem to be in the minority in feeling this way so I need to give it some thought from another perspective.

You aren't. You're giving your WW space and time to coordinate with her AP. Preempting them keeps them from selling the OBS and anyone else who might care a lie that makes it harder for you to do what you need to do. That's not strategic. The best approach when affair busting is always shock and awe. Inform the OBS, inform your parents, in-laws, and siblings, report your WS and her AP to their employers if they're co-workers, consult with an attorney, have divorce papers drawn up, and drop them in your WS's lap. The shaming, the sudden isolation, the prospect of losing the cushy life they've been taking utterly for granted, these things bring their sick little fantasy crashing down and put them in panic mode and you in the driver's seat. Plus, they need to know that their actions are intolerable and that they are disposable.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 23:08 PM

Thanks everybody, I am behind on a lot of replies so I'll just try to sum up what I think and what my plans are in regards to OMW.

As I mentioned in my last reply, I'll tell her tomorrow. Yes, I realize that this gives them extra time to plot and scheme and support each other, but it's still an assumption that me telling his wife at all would prevent that anyways. They are separated and she had already pushed for divorce and full custody of the kids. If anything, I think her finding out about the affair will be the last straw and will probably free him up from some of his current obligation to her. All we're doing is speculating at this point.

Lots of replies seem focused on getting revenge by blowing up their lives and the affair. It would feel great to know I tortured this guy a bit. My wife too. But to ignoring the fact that reporting her to her employer could result in her losing her job, and me having to pay alimony to her? How is that smart?

I'm not saying I won't do some of these things. Only that I don't think that they need to be done immediately. As in, tonight at 11pm.

Also, I'm not naive, and I assume they're still talking to each other. And I'm certain she's still lying to me repeatedly.

The OMW situation sure did cause a fuss and get people riled up. I felt like that is lowest in the priority list of things I needed to focus attention on right now.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 23:12 PM

Im one year out and it still hurts but I feel a control in my life I have not felt for a long time. When you feel your power, the fear eases. There is a feeling that things can be better than before. Its nervous while you are having all your emotions raw and strong but that will pass. Focus on what is right and dont allow any dishonesty like her blaming you for her own bad actions.

Thanks for the words of encouragement pureheartkit.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 23:15 PM

You will be fine.

The key is no contact.

You may have kids together but you can coparent effectively with text or emails.

I have three friends who use this method and they say it's the best thing they could have done.

It's funny how they want to be your friend after they blow you and the family up.

Don't fall for it.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 23:17 PM

They are separated and she had already pushed for divorce and full custody of the kids.

It would be naive to believe anything a wayward tells you.

They lie a lot as you've seen.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 23:18 PM

Tonight, you want to prep for the meeting with your wife tomorrow. Have you read up on "The 180"? If not, do so this evening. If needed, make up an index card with the 5 points from the simplified version.

Also, make up a list of what the two of you need to do right away: itemize all financial accounts, set up schedule for continuity of childcare, etc. Tell her that you do not want to hear from her parents again; she should tell them to back off. If you do decide to let her stay in the guest room, for how long and what are the ground rules?

You ask as much as you like about the affair. Just be prepared for more hurt and lies that will have to be re-visited later. And if possible, get a VAR to record it all.

Thank NotInMyLife. I'll check out the 180 tonight. I skimmed it earlier but didn't have a chance to read it in depth as I was still with my kids.

I've been trying to think of ground rules. It's hard, I've never had to consider this before. Also, I don't know that I have legal authority to force her to leave. Like I'm not sure what happens if she refuses to go. I assume in filing for divorce some arrangement could be made but I'm a little ways out from that happening (more consultations this week)

Definitely recording it. I recorded about half of our conversations from the other day once I had my wits about me.

So she said she wants to talk about the schedule for childcare. I'd also like to add the living situation and to give her an opportunity to come clean. I suspect, based on something else I found, that there may have been another guy at some point as well. Gotta try and find a way to make her think I know more than I do because she only seems to tell (a version of) the truth once I press her and say I have evidence. But I want to get all of this stuff spoken aloud while my head is clear and I'm taking notes.

She's changed most of her passwords now and I'm not able to get logged into her accounts anymore. I have pics of everything I could find, but I still wish I had some visibility.

Ugh, this all just sucks.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 23:20 PM

It would be naive to believe anything a wayward tells you.

They lie a lot as you've seen.

I discovered that one on my own. Found the OMW because she filed for divorce in their county. Found her address, it's different than his. Also found some text messages indicating he was given some time to have his kids over. Sorta fit those pieces together based on that info.

Edit: At least that's what I think. I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all here. Just going on the info that I've been able to uncover so far....I am sure I could be wrong.

[This message edited by collapsed at 11:23 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/5/2019 23:24 PM

She will do as she pleases and you can't do anything about it.

Controlling yourself is the key. You can do that.

Limit any contact. Answer no phone calls. Only communicate by text or email. Kids or business only.

As you've seen talk, nicing her back or doing the infamous picke me dance just lowers your stays even more while making her other man more attractive.

Go your own way and take yourself away from her.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 23:27 PM

I discovered that one on my own. Found the OMW because she filed for divorce in their county. Found her address, it's different than his. Also found some text messages indicating he was given some time to have his kids over. S

Nice detective work. I suspect you'll find out a lot more once you contact her. This isn't his first nor will it be his last rodeo.

Trying to paint him as a bad guy will avail you nothing. You will not be able to tell your wife a thing. Save your time and effort for what you need.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 23:29 PM

Make this a cold calculated business decision. That is what it is now. It'll be hard to keep your emotions in check.

Write it down and stay on track.

If you script it out first you'll do better.

Buster123 posted 1/5/2019 23:31 PM

What do you gain ? right now she feels empowered because she's got the support from POSOM and by doing as they say to appease them you look very weak, she may even become defiant during the D process, do you really think waiting a day or a month is going to make a difference ? they don't really want you to wait a day, they really don't want you to tell her at all !!!. However I don't see any problems about waiting a day, it's not going to make any difference, but I would just throw a wrench in their strategy, let him worry about a pissed off wife that's going to go for his jugular and your wife with an OM that would possibly throw her under the bus and show them that you really mean business and that the possibility of them being exposed to HR by you is REAL, that btw may be your biggest leverage during the D process.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 23:39 PM

You are correct that is her home too and you can't keep her out. But that means you have to live with a cheating wife actively having an affair. You think it's bad now. Wait'll you see her getting dressed up to go see him.

If it were me I'd make it conditional that if she moves back in while continuing her affair you will inform their HR department with evidence immediately.

You have cards to play but you must be strong enough and willing to play them.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 23:43 PM

If it were me I'd make it conditional that if she moves back in while continuing her affair you will inform their HR department with evidence immediately.

There's an interesting idea.

I have the benefit of this guy living in another state. So she saw him approximately 8 weeks in person over the last year, either while he traveled here or she traveled there. In general I wouldn't expect her to see him in person again before we have some sort of D arrangement in place and we're not living together.

I like the idea of threatening to take it to HR if their affair continues, and that I'd need access to her stuff to confirm that it didn't. BUT I don't necessarily want to show all my cards either. That one kind of feels like it's something I should commit to and just do, not necessarily dance around it and hold it over their heads. But I don't know.

Buster123 posted 1/5/2019 23:49 PM

Show them you mean business and expose them with OBS and tell them HR is next unless she agrees to your D terms which may include but not limited to: no alimony/spousal support for her, you keep the house (if any)and she has to move, you keep primary custody of kids maybe (60/40 in your favor) and she will have to pay YOU child support, you may add other things as you see fit.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 11:49 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

NotInMyLife posted 1/6/2019 00:07 AM

Also, I don't know that I have legal authority to force her to leave. Like I'm not sure what happens if she refuses to go
You can't force her to leave. You can ask though and be visibly resistant to having her stay. If you then agree, it will be on your terms; things like she moves her stuff out of the master bedroom into the guestroom because you aren't okay with a happy couple charade. She cheated, she gets what you let her have now. Think about chores and sharing common spaces. Make her feel the consequences of having stomped on your loving care for her.

QVee posted 1/6/2019 00:11 AM

I blew up my STBXs affair. I told the AP, the father of the APs child and outed two friends who knew about the affair for 6 months but did nothing. One of the best decisions Ive ever made.

Marz posted 1/6/2019 00:14 AM

IN house separation is not good for you. She doesn't care but you will. They will be in constant contact even in your home probably. Phone, email, testing, etc. extremley hard on you.

The HR info might get you what you need.

You would have to be firm. Better have a plan.

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