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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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steadychevy posted 1/10/2019 06:53 AM

There is so much gold and platinum in your post, HeHadADoubleLife, it should be permanently preserved somewhere on this site.

I'll just respond to a small part of the essay. It's about being indecisive. I'm analytical, make decisions and evaluate. With my WW post DDay I drew so many lines in the sand and wiped them out and re-drew them when they weren't yet. I was not in R. I was trying to find out if R was even possible.

I verbally provided a short list of what I needed to her and by when. Nothing. (Not completely true. She got tested for STDs and booked and did a poly). I wrote out the list with dates to provide. Nothing. I wrote it again months later. Same result. I taught her that there really wasn't a hard line. She could just wait it out until I got over it. You have to be prepared to back up your conditions, collapsed, and not do what I did and drag things out so long. And remember D is a legitimate choice.

Collapsed, I am going to say again. Please tell the OBS. Do it out of compassion for her and her children. Let her know what the situation is. She deserves to know. You're the only one who can inform her.

Drumstick posted 1/10/2019 07:00 AM


Beautiful post. F’in beautiful!


P.S. Can we call you “Wise Grasshopper?”

[This message edited by Drumstick at 7:02 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Butforthegrace posted 1/10/2019 07:45 AM


Also lawyers always advise the BS to not exposed. This is for another reason than those already mentioned, they do not want to make their work harder. They want to do the minimal effort for the maximum money.

In fairness to lawyers, most lawyers work on an hourly basis, where they bill for the hours spent on a matter. To that end, it would be in the personal interest of lawyers to stir the pot and foment needless disputes so they can run up more hours on the bill: "make work". Some lawyers do this. But many don't. Many lawyers are actually concerned with, among other things, keeping the bill as low as possible.

The lawyer is hired only to handle the legal issues in the divorce. They are not psychologists nor counsellors, and they are not tasked with fixing their client's life. Their only task is resolving the bundle of discreet legal issues in the D.

To that end, all lawyers quickly learn that, no matter what the dispute is about, the smaller you can make an issue, the easier it is to resolve it. Lawyers typically advised against reporting to the BOW because it has the potential of fomenting additional conflict and making the dispute larger and more costly. This is contra to the goal of the lawyer of resolving the dispute efficiently, with as little cost as possible.

In this way, the lawyer's prudent advice for an efficient resolution of the divorce proceeding might be contra to the conduct that would help the BH heal at an emotional level.

collapsed posted 1/10/2019 08:26 AM


Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me in such detail and with so much thought and consideration. I am sincerely moved.

I have only had time to read about half of your post. I am considering taking the afternoon off from my job to read, digest, consider, and reply.

Again, thank you for taking the time to put this together for me.

Broken5152 posted 1/10/2019 08:45 AM


[This message edited by Broken5152 at 9:23 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 1/10/2019 08:50 AM


Beautiful post. F’in beautiful!

Amen! Good stuff!

Jimbob21 posted 1/10/2019 12:20 PM

Collapsed, I rarely post anything but have to for you. You are at war and you are losing. You will lose more time with your kids at this rate.

You have a golden ticket right now. Of you wait a few months it will expire and so will time with your kids and money.

I live in a massive female friendly state. We're my ex wife if we had 4 kids could have killed 3 and still got custody of the 4th. I got 50/50 custody no child support no alimony. She took her bills I took mine.

Why you ask she was in la la Land like your wife. She signed the first thing I put in front of her. Your wife would do the same right now to protect her and her lover. Pounce on that today. You can always get remarried if she proves she can change. Promise you wife you will never expose to hr if she signs and she will.

Once divorce is finalized then expose to the omw. I took 1 week from the day my wife signed to us being divorced. We didn't have to go in front of a judge or anything.

The longer you wait the more stable she becomes and more likely she get primary custody and you lose lots of money and time with your kids.

There is a small chance when the papers are in front of her she snaps out of this fog. There is almost no chance to save this marriage the way you are handling it.

[This message edited by Jimbob21 at 12:21 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Jimbob21 posted 1/10/2019 12:24 PM

If you are in a no fault state then the cheating will not matter in the divorce, judge won't care. The only thing you have saving you is for a better term blackmail. Use that, remember this is war and your wife and on is winning.

collapsed posted 1/10/2019 13:05 PM

You do you, Collapsed, and I'll still be here rooting for you and hoping for a positive outcome, whatever that may be in your opinion!

Thanks broken. Sums up my experience here perfectly.

Doesn't help that at this stage emotions and thoughts vary wildly across a wide range. Or that I literally don't log every event, thought, or feeling here.

All that said I'm extremely appreciative of the people who have offered support and advice. I think that it's a very kind person who is willing to surrender his or her time for the well-being of a total stranger.

HellFire posted 1/10/2019 13:07 PM

Telling the OBS is the single best thing a BS can do immediately after dday,for a plethora of reasons.

@Broken5152...I apologized that my post to you sounded harsher than I intended. I sincerely apologized. You accepted it, and said you knew it came from a place of good intention. Which, to certainly did. And,yes. I am indeed a REAL human being. With actual feelings and everything. Silly me. I'd thought you had forgiven my harshness. What was it you said about forgiveness being bitterly opposed on here?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:07 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 1/10/2019 14:02 PM

To recap. Somebody said that telling OMW will definitely end my WW's affair. All I did was point out that the line of reasoning makes no sense in this context. And it doesn't. Now you guys are pretending like I'm thinking illogically and I won't tell OMW because I don't want him to steal my wife away. ffs

Here's what you're not considering - it's not going to take a day for OM and OMW to D. It won't take a week. It will take months to even years. OM did not want the D so he will not just give up and immediately pursue your WW. He will be too busy dealing with the fall out from his BW and trying to get her to give him another chance.

Collapsed, we're not just talking out of our behinds in regards to telling the OMW. There are years of collective wisdom and experience here. Every single one of us has been a victim of infidelity at some point in time. Most of us have told the OBS and have had positive results from it. Most of the time, the OM drops your WW like a hot potato as soon as he sees that he will be risking his marriage and paying dearly for support and alimony. I've read hundreds of threads here and never once have I ever seen an OM use the opportunity to pursue a WW harder instead of dropping her.

BUT - I don't believe you should tell if your lawyer thinks that you shouldn't especially if D is the likely outcome. I think that you should follow your lawyer's advice and consider telling after the D. It's the only time I think that the OBS shouldn't be told right away because protecting yourself in D comes first.

DjDjani posted 1/10/2019 16:01 PM

Just call her already.

RocketRaccoon posted 1/10/2019 21:21 PM

Ultimately, you want to get out of this mess your WW caused. There are a few paths in front of you, of which, two are 'good' outcomes, and there rest will leave you screwed up.

The two outcomes are either R or D, as they have definitive conclusions.

The other paths all lead to limbo.... which is not a good place to stay for long.

If you are deciding on the R path, then there are some steps that need to be taken:
1. NC letter to OM from WW
2. Inform the other betrayed spouse (not for revenge, but as an act of kindness to her/him)
3. Total transparency of all modes of communication.
4. Ejection of any enablers:
- toxic friends
- friends who knew but did not inform you
- suspension of travel for work until you become comfortable with it again
- Boys/Girls night out
5. Both parties are committed to make R work
6. WS must have remorse. Not merely regret. Regret is not a sign of wanting to R.

As for the D path, the steps you need to follow are:
1. Listen to your lawyer
2. Listen to your lawyer
3. Hope your lawyer is good.

The D pathway is easier in the sense that you will have little to do with the WW after D is finalised, so it does not matter what the WS does. Not your circus, not your monkeys after the D.

The R pathway is the longer and more difficult route. Is it the correct route? Only you will know in the end, as you see the whole thing, whilst we just see a portion. The list for R above is not definitive, but they are the fundamental ones if there is to be any chance of a successful R.

All the best in what you decide.

Mene posted 1/11/2019 07:20 AM

What’s the update, collapsed? Have you told the OBS? Still wanting to not upset the luuuuuuv birds?

[This message edited by Mene at 7:22 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

NotTheManIwas posted 1/11/2019 07:56 AM


We are of similar temperament. That's not said to assuage your state. Think "paralysis by analysis." Stir the pot.

DjDjani posted 1/11/2019 08:02 AM

I dont see any reason why wouldnt you call OW. If you want to protect your wife and her boyfriend,than that is logical. But I cant believe that somebody would protect his wife s boyfriend. And most inportant thing is that there is a betraed spouse there,your wife is screwing with her husband,and you dont want to tell her that! That is prety cold blodded. Dont get me wrong,Im not attacking you,its your life,ypucan do what ever you like,ypu can even pay a room for your wife and her boyfriend,again its your life,but all I want to tell you it is that is morraly wrong not to teel OW what is happening with her life. She has every right to know.

Freeme posted 1/11/2019 08:22 AM

If you do take today off make sure to read what Bigger(thoughtful, knowledgeable, long time poster here) wrote in Austin's thread (DD 12/30/2018 - Followed my Gut and I was Right) on the third page. He composes an excellent template for getting out of infidelity regardless of if you want to R or D.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/11/2019 16:59 PM

. If you want to protect your wife and her boyfriend...ypu can even pay a room for your wife and her boyfriend...prety cold blodded. Dont get me wrong,Im not attacking you
Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

NoOptTo posted 1/11/2019 19:08 PM


Hope you take this weekend with loved ones and friends to heart. You do need your support system in this time. Do what is right for you. Though you lose certain advantages by procrastinating, you need to feel comfortable with your decisions. Take this weekend away, find some positive energy, come home and be there for your kids.

You may want to invest in a VAR, voice activated recorder. When you do serve your WW with D papers, dont be surprised if she starts to fight dirty and try claim a false DV,domestic violence, accusation on you to get you out of the house and away from your kids. We have seen it here before. Waywards do not think rationally. So you need to be one step ahead of them. Wish you the best through the shit storm your going through. You will get through it and as a stronger person also.

LifeLostLongAgo posted 1/11/2019 19:34 PM

Poor OMW.

Would hate to be in her shoes.

Its like she's being sacrificed to molech.

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