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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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MickeyBill2016 posted 1/8/2019 22:58 PM

Another question is if the OM primary concern is trying to save what is left of his marriage and family or continuing the affair with your wife. Is your wife his true love or a fun side piece?

Do you even know the true situation between OM and OMW? All you have the words of your wife who is covering her OM butt by asking that YOU not wreck his family, when she has had a huge part in wrecking his and your family.

You have time, figure out what the truth of the OM + OMW and what you want to do with your WW, reconcile or divorce.

Take a breath and decide what is best for YOU, and take some of the advice here and leave the rest.

collapsed posted 1/8/2019 23:03 PM

Thanks Mickey. Sometimes I get so swept up in the fervor that spikes up here about the OMW that I feel like stop thinking clearly

Another question is if the OM primary concern is trying to save what is left of his marriage and family or continuing the affair with your wife. Is your wife his true love or a fun side piece?
Do you even know the true situation between OM and OMW? All you have the words of your wife who is covering her OM butt by asking that YOU not wreck his family, when she has had a huge part in wrecking his and your family.

True, and I don't know. Literally all I have to go on is the words of my WW. Tonight she reiterated that it's over, that neither of them want to talk to each other. (...for now, of course).

You have time, figure out what the truth of the OM + OMW and what you want to do with your WW, reconcile or divorce.

you make it sounds so easy. lol. Right there with you though, that's what I'm trying to do. Figure out what I want and what's best for me. Trying to write it all down and organize my thoughts.

Take a breath and decide what is best for YOU, and take some of the advice here and leave the rest.

Thank you, sincerely.

On another note, I was looking at this. Offers some good perspective about disclosing to OMW. Hope it's okay for me to post a link here.

Edit: I took the link out because of your collective reaction to it. It was meant to bring up a contrary viewpoint for you to discuss. Instead we have most people being extremely angry about it and not actually addressing the "reasons why" that were listed. Most instead attacked the author (probably rightfully so, it does look like he was a douche)

[This message edited by collapsed at 7:55 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

Mene posted 1/8/2019 23:21 PM

When I told the OBS of her husbandís shenanigans, she was ver relieved I had done so. She said this all made sense to her. She said sheís thought she was going mad because her husband was gaslighting her. Do you who else was relieved? My wife.

Donít delay. Do it!

Mene posted 1/8/2019 23:30 PM

That article you posted is full of shit. Sorry for being so blunt, but the overwhelming number of psychologists would tell you to reveal to OBS. Stop protecting the son of a bitch. He never considered you or your family when he was was screwing your wife. If you fear that by exposing him this will only end his marriage for good and your wife and he will then run off into the sunset, you donít have a marriage anymore.

Ripped62 posted 1/8/2019 23:49 PM

I have read it before. It is wayward thinking and rationale. If you read other men or other women blogs you will find similar. It is bull shit masquerading as a flawed argument.

What is not pointed out is -

1. By not informing the OBS you will become an accomplice to the destruction experienced by the OBS. Protecting someone for yout own personal gain is morally reprehensible in my opinion. Informing the OBS is the right thing to do.

2. The OBS is living a false personal narrative and has been deprived of their agency. By informing them you are assisting the OBS so that they can restore the narrative of their life and make important decisions based upon the truth.

3. Disclosure of the affair sheds light on the adultery and halts future contact between the wayward spouses.

4. The author is a wayward spouse that has not done the "work." Without correcting the faulty thinking and behavior of an adulterer such crap about controlling the situation and manipulation of the OBS is expected.

I would defer to the membership here at SI including the wayward spouses that have done the work. You will find a very different perspective. The importance of honesty and transparency cannot be understated.

5. If one is empathetic to the OBS and projects themself into the OBS's situation I feel one would want to know the truth so that they can either divorce or reconcile after your spouse has taken the steps to heal.

It is very important to live an authentic life and not propagate lies and infidelity.

I suggest you remain open to other viewpoints and writings.....not just those that support your current position.

The discovery of your wayward wife's infidelity is fairly recent. In time you will likely feel very different about disclosure and gain a new perspective.

At some point the betrayal must be stopped. You can either become a party to injuring another in such a horrific fashion or not.

What type of individual one wishes to be is up to the them. I do not want to become part of the lies and betrayal.

Perhaps you should delete the link until you have had time to research the matter further.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:17 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

Unbroken78 posted 1/9/2019 00:06 AM

Flat out- ALWAYS tell the OBS.

It is the most cruel thing you can do, to fail to tell.

There are two kinds of evil in this world- Those who do evil and those who see it and do nothing to stop it.

You are a good man that has been forced into an evil world. Don't let it make you evil. Do what good men do and tell truth loudly and to everyone.

Would you want to know, if you were her?

NotInMyLife posted 1/9/2019 01:03 AM

The article you linked to is really awful; it's so self-centered. Like your wife, the author cannot imagine any motive but vengeance. Seeing everything through that lens and dismisses any other rationale.

What if the OBS in your situation had contacted you in August or September? You could have been spared months of self-doubt and feeling defeated. You have information the OBS doesn't and it would be a kindness to share it with her. Leave it to her to decide how important it is to her and her situation.

You really don't know what the story is with the OBS other than she already filed for divorce. You don't know whether she goes to sleep every night wondering if she's doing the right thing; thinking that maybe she's not given him enough of a chance to prove himself, etc. And if he's "told her" about your wife, what has he said? That it was only twice? Truth, matters.

When you do tell the OBS, be prepared for another tirade from your wife even though she is supposed to be no-contact now. Don't be surprised if he calls her and she rushes in to berate you for "ruining" his life. Which would be yet another indication that what happens to him is still more important than you and your feeling.

40YOSL posted 1/9/2019 02:04 AM

That article is a load of horse shit!

It assumes you are certain the affair is over. I really have difficulty understanding how the betrayed spouse can be so certain the affair is in fact over. Are they expected to take the word of their wayward that it is over? Suddenly they should take the word of the person who has been lying to them?? Even at 6 months, how many people are truly certain about anything? Has the affair gone underground? Is your wayward secretly longing for their AP?

The article does correctly point out that exposure is the best way to kill an affair. This is a compelling reason to inform the OBS. You then will have another motivated set of eyes to observe both waywards. That greatly increases the likelihood of the A being killed.

The OBS can also be an ally by providing info about the A they glean from the AP.

40YOSL posted 1/9/2019 02:04 AM

double post

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 2:05 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 1/9/2019 02:47 AM

Firstly, the course of action you will need to take, will depend on which path you will walk; D or R.

Exposure will always be a good thing if you want to end your WWs A, and you want to stay together. This is because there will be more 'eyes and ears' to help protect your M.

If you are certain of the D path, then keep all your cards close to your chest, so that it makes YOUR life easier as the WW might be more amenable to what you request for the D terms. You are right in that you would probably have to pay alimony if she loses her job.

What you do with the information after the D is finalized, is a different matter altogether.....

The fear of your WW running off to the OM if the OM divorces sounds logical, but if your WW does really do that, then she was not worth trying to R anyway, as she would have had another A later on. The test for the wayward is whether they succumb to temptation or not. If they succumb, then why bother to stop them. In fact, blessings would be in order. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Please note that your WW is not safe for you at the moment, as she is still protecting her AP, and her reply of:

"I hurt you deeply. I know that. I betrayed your trust. I know that. Because of these reasons I don't trust you because I think you would like to destroy my life like I have destroyed ours. I don't blame you, but it doesn't change the fact that I just don't trust you right now."

does not bode well. If she were truly remorseful, she would have ceded all decisions and control over to you, and take on the consequences to prove that she still wants to be married to you. She still feels entitled to do what will protect her, and her alone. You and your kids don't factor in this entitlement.

Your WW would also be investing at least twice the energy, effort, and emotions she used when chasing her AP. You deserve at least that..... it is up to you if you want to accept it.

As to forgiveness, yeah, it's a bitch. Little hint, you don't have to immediately, and it will not be for anyone else but your own peace of mind. You control if and when you give it. Just don;t give it now, as it will mean nothing, like 'sorry' from the WW. There is no sincerity in something given so quickly, as there is no thoughtful consideration behind it.

free2016 posted 1/9/2019 02:51 AM

Why would you take an advice of a cheater?
All the reasons given in the article to not disclose A are the 'conclusions' of the wayward who obviously is still angry with the consequences of the exposure that happened in his life.
It is him who became miserable, by loosing la la land and his position in M.
Exposure would speed up things, they might get together with very low chance of successful long term relationship, or he would make her a scapegoat for the demise of M and would not want to have her around. Cheaters need to blame someone and she will be the choice for sure.

Butforthegrace posted 1/9/2019 05:30 AM

There are dozens of threads on here (SI) where a betrayed spouse has contacted the other betrayed spouse. I think I've read one, possibly two, where the OBS responded with mild hostility (such as "don't contact me again"). That is the worst I've seen in terms of "bad" results from this contact. Oh, there was one where the betrayed was a wife, and the OBS was therefore a husband. When BW called OBH, he said he was going to beat her WH up, though he never did.

In the vast majority of threads, the experience of the poster is either neutral (the OBS thanks the BS for the information) or positive (the OBS and the BS share notes and help each other in terms of learning the scope and duration of the affair). There are a few that were overwhelmingly positive (the OBS and the BS work together to solve a particularly difficult aspect of the A), and there are one or two where the BS and the OBS actually end up together sexually or romantically.

That article you link to is written by a man who cheated on his wife, but then was exposed when his AP informed his betrayed wife about the A. He is a spiteful, vengeful asshole whose agenda is to protect cheaters from the repercussions of their actions. That whole "you're interfering in another family's life when you inform" theme conveniently ignores the fact that the person engaged in the affair, fucking another person's spouse, is in fact the one interfering in another family's life. When you inform, all you are doing to giving another person the gift of factual truth.

We are humans sharing this world. We owe one another a certain level of basic decency. If you see a stranger standing on a train track unaware of the quiet electric train barrelling down on her, do you say nothing because it's none of your business, or do you shout a warning? You know from the outset that your WW does not want you to contact the OBS. Therefore, you should know that everything she will say to you about the AP and his OBS is calculated to manipulate you into not contact them. In most cases, the reason your WW does not want you to contact is because she is still protecting the AP over you, and/or because she senses that the OBS knows things about the A that your WW does not want you to know.

What I hear from you is fear, some irrational fear of the unknown, of what you might learn from this. That fear is normal. That fear will also keep you stuck in your bad situation.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:06 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

Sharkman posted 1/9/2019 05:56 AM

I helped a friend that I met her expose. The OBS was a pretty little brunette girl, probably early 30s.

The reason I was helping the friend was he was, too, afraid of all of these things that you are.

It turns out that the OM has been beating the shit out of her and she was in and out of extreme counseling because of it. She had suspected he was cheating too but he responded with both emotional and physical abuse when she brought it up.

Why she stayed I donít know but once we contacted her, it was as if someone pushed a Ďclear away the abuse fog and let me save myselfí. She moved in with her mom later that week and her husband (the OM) was served soon thereafter.

Thatís a great example of the good that this can do. This site is over ten years old. I challenge you to search through it for any situations where exposure did not work. Youíll not find one. The best disinfectant is sunlight. This shit has to stop and unfortunately youíre the only one who can stop it. There are tool in addition to exposure that youíll need to use, but right now - at this stage in the process - exposure is the appropriate tool to be using.

jb3199 posted 1/9/2019 06:34 AM


I know that your posted like will probably be removed soon by the mods(unless you asked for permission to post), but you asked for feedback on those views.

Yes....most, including former waywards here, are strongly for telling the OBS. Some may be more passionate about it than others, but almost all will agree that it is the correct thing to do in most circumstances. My personal take on it is that I believe strongly in what positive contributions I, and my family, can and will leave on society. I work hard to try to provide for my family. I believe in helping another who is in need. And unfortunately.....MY WIFE had a role in hurting another person(and family).

I felt that I OWED that information to the OBS. Just as if one of my children did damage to someone else's property, I would make sure that they were informed that my child did this....and my child is accepting responsibility. Right vs. wrong--the other people at least deserve the information to make future decisions.

As for that blogger? Let me just post one of his responses, and you tell me if this is a person is a good diplomat for mankind:

The bottom line is this. Donít pretend youíre doing this because you care about the other spouse. Itís likely you donít even know them. You donít Ďcareí about them at all. You have no Ďdutyí to protect them. This is not rescuing a baby from a fire. They are adults and not helpless innocents.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/9/2019 06:51 AM

I agree it is good to notify, but...

I challenge you to search through it for any situations where exposure did not work. Youíll not find one.
uhhh, no. Thatís not true at all, and Iíve seen enough (although definitely not the majority) that went south in a big, big way to warrant serious caution here. More than a few BS have been sucked into another familyís drama vortex, which is exactly not what they needed.

Iíd say well over 50% of the posts in this thread are on the subject, and I am going to venture out on a limb and guess that Collapsed has received your message loud and clear.

Maybe people here can recognize it is his choice, period, and stop accusing him of being as bad a person as the OM (protecting, facilitating, accomplice).

If you are all that fired up about it, set up a fake Ashley Madison account, solicit cheaters, and then go about revealing them to their BS. You could probably average 10-11 per day if youíre industrious.

Collapsed, you are doing great.

Freeme posted 1/9/2019 06:55 AM

I have to say letting the OBS believe that he is "working" on their marriage while you know he is cheating is a kin to wanting to wait until after the wedding to tell the bride her betroth has been cheating so as not to ruin the wedding.

It sounds like you know it's the right thing to do so I won't add anymore to that.

It sounds like you don't want any part of (revenge) consequences for OM so I'll leave that alone.

I'm not going to address the link you posted because you've gotten enough feedback. Why you would focus on one WS message when you have so many experienced BS telling you the opposite I don't know. Yes, they have a different views but...they had a different view on their vows too.

I'm only addressing YOU and trying to understand why YOU think it would be best for your relationship with WW if you don't tell. Currently you've only stated

dude will be 100% free to try and pursue a relationship with my wife
as your reasoning. This makes it sound like the only hope you have for reconcile lies with OM not being available.
--WW isn't showing remorse or signs that she wants to reconcile because she has one foot out the door waiting to see what happens with his divorce.
-- With the extra time waiting for OM divorce are you going to try to "win-her-back"? Pick me dance has never worked.
-- do you think the fog is going to lift for WW while she is waiting for OM's divorce?
-- If WW really thought she had a chance with OM she would be pushing you to tell. So they could be together that much more quickly.
You are acting like it's a catch 22. That if you tell the OBS your WW will dump you completely but if you don't tell you WW won't work on reconciliation. The truth is, that she isn't working on reconciliation and while it seems far fetched telling the OBS might be the ticket that turns that around.

-- OM is going to be busy trying to fix or going through a much rougher divorce than focused on your WW.
-- OM might blame your WW for the problems in his divorce/marriage.
-- WW will finally see that they didn't have some fantasy romantic affair-- that they were just screwing up families.
-- The OBS could tell you some major things about OM. I doubt this was his first rodeo.
-- The OBS might make the OM quit his job so you won't have to deal with the HR stuff.
-- You will have someone going through the same stuff as you. Someone that you can get the truth from.
-- You will get to the point of knowing if reconciliation is an option much more quickly.
-- You will no longer be an accomplice. You will feel better about yourself for helping some woman that is trying desperately to save her marriage know the truth about what's going on.
-- If you are being truthful about doing this eventually, you will get it over. It's a game changer she will be angry at you at first but if she is reconcile material she will get there much more quickly too. OM is either going to throw her under the bus or pursue her it would be better for that to happen now than in 4 months so you can get on with your life.

If you have some other reason for waiting or not telling the OBS please let us know. We have seen this time and time again on these boards. Many that don't tell (because they don't want to hurt reconciliation) end up telling out of guilt 6 months later... and dredging up the affair all over again.

I'm sorry, right now it just looks like OM, WW and you are all waiting to see if he gets a divorce so you can decide if reconciliation is an option. It makes it sound like you are fine being WW plan B.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/9/2019 06:58 AM

I didn't have this site to lean on when my world was turned up side down by my WH behavior. But on the other hand, I wasn't going to keep any of his abusive behaviors a secret. I exposed, exposed and exposed some more. I considered my WH my enemy and I definitely wasn't going to protect him. He had already controlled my life and decisions long enough.

I feel your WW is still controlling and manipulating the outcome of your decision on whether to tell the other BS or not. I feel it is imperative that you tell the other BS and allow the pieces to fall where they may. By not taking this next indicated step shows weakness on your part and your WW is still in control because she doesn't want to upset her A and her affair partners life. Really??

Right now, you don't have a marriage worth saving, so expose, expose, expose. Quit protecting her and her A. You will be surprised at the inner strength you will gain by not allowing their affair to
continue in secrecy and taking a stand and begin to control your own outcome. TBH, in your case, it is not time to figure out whether to R or D. You are in the very early stages of finding out about the affair.

OMG, your WW is not your friend, your trusted faithful partner, your confidant in life right now. She is none of these right now. It's important to stay in the moment and to see things as they are, today.

Butforthegrace posted 1/9/2019 06:58 AM

uhhh, no. Thatís not true at all, and Iíve seen enough (although definitely not the majority) that went south in a big, big way to warrant serious caution here. More than a few BS have been sucked into another familyís drama vortex, which is exactly not what they needed.

WTF. This has never happened to anybody I've known IRL. I've been lurking and reading here on SI for a couple of years, and posting for about a year or so, and I've not seen any thread here on SI where that happened. Why the fearmongering? What are you trying to accomplish?

pearlamici posted 1/9/2019 07:28 AM

I stopped reading that article after "Thatís mean. Vicious. And a horrible betrayal of your Affair Partner, no matter what happens."

Ripped62 posted 1/9/2019 07:46 AM


collapsed requested feedback about informing the OBS hence the number of posts on his thread about the subject. Perhaps you should read his thread and the link he requested opinions on before giving yours.

Maybe you did read it all including the link and feel his request should be ignored. I do not know.

On another note, I was looking at this. Offers some good perspective about disclosing to OMW. Hope it's okay for me to post a link.

#$$%@@&^&!! (link deleted by me)

If any posters here have thoughts about the above link, I'd love to hear them. I think it offers some good counterpoints.

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