"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

NoOptTo posted 1/6/2019 13:07 PM

Quick points to make. If she doesn't request to come home .... do not offer it! Thos will help your you gain more custody. Document all her behavior and it's good your recording it. Keep VARs around the house if she chooses to return home. Take all of her belongings out of your martial bedroom. She killed the marriage. She can find someplace else in the house to sleep and stay. Not your problem. Put a lock on your bedroom door ASAP. And do not engage with her besides for talking kids and finances. Once the talk is over, only communicate via email or txt so all communication is documented.

totallydumb posted 1/6/2019 13:09 PM

Do not move out of your home until you discuss this with a lawyer. Get legal advice, in some cases it could be claimed you "abandoned" your children and this could hurt you custody wise in the future. Especially since you are doing other things (separating finances etc.)

During your discussions today with WW, remember she is an accomplished liar. Don't believe anything she says that you have no way of verifying independently from another source.

Sending you strength C!

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 13:18 PM

Okay guys, quick update.

The talk was interesting. I felt level-headed, cool, and calm the whole time. It went down like this.

I started and began saying that I don't just want to talk about the kids, and that I had a list of things. She said that she had something to say too and started talking. I stopped her and said that what she had to say isn't more important than what I had to say. I felt like that set a good tone for the coming discussion.

I had a spiel about her lying, gaslighting, deceit, etc. I said that I was going to ask her questions about the affair and that she could either answer honestly or lie, but to keep in mind that I already know the answers to many of my questions. She wound up answering everything and a lot of what she said lined up with what I had already uncovered in the texts. Either she was being truthful or she wised up to what I knew, but either way I got it all recorded.

She gave me the details of how it started. Who initiated, how it began, what she did. It broke my heart and I wanted to scream HOW COULD YOU but I maintained composure. I also asked about the other guy. Sounds more like an emotional affair, and she hung out alone with him a few times but claimed she never did anything physical. Could very well be a lie but I don't have any evidence on that one.

I allowed her to say her part as well. She came across as genuinely remorseful today, which was nice. She said she feels like she has been battling postpartum depression since our daughter was born and it not only made her feel like she didn't love me, but didn't have any feelings at all. No shame, no remorse, just nothing, empty. I truly do feel bad for her in this, I really do. She also apologized multiple times.

I didn't say much to any of this. I let her talk, and then moved back on to what I wanted to discuss. I'm sure I was extremely cold. She attacked me a few times for different reasons (being controlling, etc) and I told her that I refused to be on the defensive and wouldn't engage with her. Steered things back to where I wanted them to go.

She admitted she emailed OM yesterday and he asked her to try and convince me not to tell his wife. I don't remember the exact wording but she posed a question to ask me to not do it. I said I wouldn't commit to that. Her eyes widened and I could see panic. And I had a few other words about how she keeps talking like this happened "to" them and I am going to be responsible for ruining his and his kids lives.

She asked me if what she did was a deal breaker. I said I didn't know. I used the phrasing of a helpful member here and said that she had 12 months to indulge in an illicit sexual affair while I agonized at home and tried to make this work. And now I have had only 3 days to digest this information and didn't know what I'd be doing with it.

Then we went through my living situation and my kid proposal. She got very indignant when I suggested that I have more time with the kids than her. I let her go off a little bit and she talked about it being not fair. I said what wasn't fair was that the kids had a cheating mother who chose to have an affair. She warned me that she'd be fighting for them, I simply acknowledged it and said that I see how it is going to be.

And that's pretty much it. She tried to drag me in a few times and I resisted. I feel awful right now and I wanted so badly to comfort her and tell her what she wanted to hear. That's just the person I am. But I didn't. I reminded myself over and over that she's my adversary, and she isn't the person I knew. I thought of her agreeing to go back to his hotel room with him the first time. How the person I thought I knew would have never done that. It helped me stay strong. But I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Oh and we also talked a bit about the work situation. She feels that she can continue to engage with him professionally. She brought up the fact that she didn't want to ruin either of their careers, blah blah blah. A switch flipped and she became terrified and hostile when she realized I could bring this to HR. She tried to put me on the defensive and I diverted the subject.

Now I'm going to drive to Best Buy and get a motion-sensitive camera. I'm going to pick out a few spots around the house to stash it when I'm either away and want to observe, or at work while she works from home and I want to see if she is video chatting in my bedroom with OM.

totallydumb posted 1/6/2019 13:19 PM

Once the talk is over, only communicate via email or txt so all communication is documented.

In keeping with the theme of the 180, keep all your responses to her communications

calm
without emotion
short and to the point

If it doesn't have anything to do with the children or finances, no response is necessary.

I found these responses work best:

* I am not okay with that.
* I see things differently.
* That is interesting.
* It is unfortunate that you feel that way.
* It is hard to hear your words when your actions speak so differently.
* You do what you feel you have to, I will do the same.

TimSC posted 1/6/2019 13:38 PM

If you have made up your mind to divorce her, I would not contact HR. Use the threat as a tool to get a better settlement.

Also, look into changing your life insurance to a trust for your kids. Most people forget about that.

Finally. She is so adamant about not contacting his wife. You should investigate if they live in an at-fault State. Your info could be gold to OMW in her divorce.

Freeme posted 1/6/2019 13:48 PM

Sounds like your meeting went well. It's not time to tell the OBS. One of the main reasons SI tend to push that issue is because it's can be a game changer as far as the affair goes. You could find out the OBS and he are in marriage counseling, that the reason they separated was because this affair has been going on for years... that it could help her position in the divorce...that OM has an STD, that OBS knows more about the affair than you do... the list goes on and on. The problem with waiting one more day, is that it ebbs into another day, and gets harder and harder to do.
Do not say anything to WW about it just do it.

Marz posted 1/6/2019 13:53 PM

Oh and we also talked a bit about the work situation. She feels that she can continue to engage with him professionally. She brought up the fact that she didn't want to ruin either of their careers, blah blah blah. A switch flipped and she became terrified and hostile when she realized I could bring this to HR. She tried to put me on the defensive and I diverted the subject.

If they have contact the affair will continue. Sounds like you let her move back in and want to R.

Currently she isn't R material. No remorse, will stay in the affair, etc.

Being a warden is not how you want to live your life.

It's time to have a talk with his wife without warning yours.

If she's moved in you will now be knowingly living in infidelity. A real bad place to be.

They will stay in contact. Get a couple of voice activated recorders. One for her car. You'll find out soon enough.

Mene posted 1/6/2019 14:13 PM

You have the smoking gun my friend. Tell the OBS. He was supposed to and rescinded. There is a good reason for that. Blow his fucking world apart. He had no qualms in doing that to you when you did nothing to hurt him. Please do this. For your wife to react strongly to you to not tell his wife is giving you information that is invaluable. He should be petrified because now he isn’t in control. You are. For a long time he was and so was your wife. Now, you are in control and that makes him nervous. Put him out of his missery and tell his wife so he has to deal wit the shit he created. What’s really fucked up with these cheaters is that they never want to take responsibility for their actions. Like everyone else has to wear their adultery and cheating ways. It’s insane thinking. One of entitlement. Show him that he can’t play with people’s lives and families and not expect to get burnt in the process. Fucking prick. Weak bastard.

[This message edited by Mene at 2:15 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

Mene posted 1/6/2019 14:16 PM

Cheaters are weak people.

Butforthegrace posted 1/6/2019 14:51 PM

In this post, you say:

Sounds more like an emotional affair, and she hung out alone with him a few times but claimed she never did anything physical. Could very well be a lie but I don't have any evidence on that one.

In your first post you said:

Oh boy, I found so much. She had been having an affair with somebody from work. He lived in a different state but they worked on the same team. They traveled to the same locations and would have sex in a hotel. They'd regularly take breaks during the day to call/sext/video chat with each other. She sent him pictures of herself masturbating. Talked about how she fantasized about him, thought about him and his....it was all very graphic. Very graphic. I forced myself to read them all to pull back the curtain and make sure I knew everything about this affair that I could.

Is she now trying to suggest she never had sex with the asshole? That is almost certainly the product of WW and POSOM collaborating over the past 24 hours to get their stories aligned and going on deleting sprees to get rid of evidence.

How did the conversation with BOW go?

NotInMyLife posted 1/6/2019 14:52 PM

You really nailed it -- 180 all the way!

I'm going to pick out a few spots around the house to stash it when I'm either away and want to observe, or at work while she works from home and I want to see if she is video chatting in my bedroom with OM.

Explanation please. When is she supposed to move back in? And please tell us that you didn't cede the master bedroom to her.

So now you need a new list for your busy morning tomorrow: contact lawyers, arrange for new bank account(s) for yourself, use the gym...lots of things to do.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 2:56 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 14:54 PM

Is she now trying to suggest she never had sex with the asshole? That is almost certainly the product of WW and POSOM collaborating over the past 24 hours to get their stories aligned and going on deleting sprees to get rid of evidence.

Sorry, should have been more clear. I was talking about the 2nd guy

collapsed posted 1/6/2019 14:56 PM

Explanation please. When is she supposed to move back in? And please tell us that you didn't cede the master bedroom to her.

No, I didn't. Like I said I'm agreeing to let her stay in the spare bedroom at least through the week and then we can figure out where we go from there.

Unfortunately I'm still going to need to leave the house and work at some point. Master bedroom is where she used to have her calls with this guy. That's why I was going to put a camera here. To catch it if it's still going on after I leave.

ChamomileTea posted 1/6/2019 15:05 PM

Actually, I'd get the settlement signed in my favor without informing OBS or HR. Never, and I mean NEVER, intimate that there's any extortion in play, but hey.. if she doesn't sign the first time you ask her, call the OBS and expose. That will leave her wondering who you'll call next time.

Yes. I know and I agree that the OBS should be told. But not until you've extracted whatever value you can in terms of settlement.

NotInMyLife posted 1/6/2019 15:10 PM

You might want to get a voice recorder to hide somewhere in the guest room too. Or perhaps stuck under her car seat with velco.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 3:11 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

totallydumb posted 1/6/2019 15:12 PM

Unfortunately I'm still going to need to leave the house and work at some point. Master bedroom is where she used to have her calls with this guy. That's why I was going to put a camera here. To catch it if it's still going on after I leave.

Sorry Dude, if they are still in contact at work, even if you catch nothing on camera it is still going on.

annb posted 1/6/2019 15:24 PM

collapsed, whether you want to believe it or not, the ball is in your court right now. She is no longer driving this bus, and her career and the OM career are sitting in the palm of your hands. I don't mean to sound cruel, they put themselves in this hole, the two of them are trying to figure a way out with the least amount of damage, getting their stories straight so they can survive this unscathed.

She understands you can go to HR even though that's not in the cards right now, hopefully it will be an incentive for the two of them to be professional on the job. Having said that, there's a good possibility the A will continue as the two have not faced any real consequences yet, affairs thrive in secrecy.

Cheaters know no bounds until they are hit head on with a mack truck. What it will take in your situation is anybody's guess, but keep dangling that carrot of control you currently have, they are squirming and colluding behind your back. I'm glad you understand that your wife is enemy #1 at this point, you are in the fight of your life to protect yourself and your family.

Kudos to you for keeping your distance, around here we say NC=No New Hurts. Had you followed your instincts and tried to comfort her while she more than likely was trying to manipulate the situation, you would have felt 10x worse when she left the home knowing she would probably be contacting OM immediately. Seems she is more concerned about protecting him/his family than she is about protecting her own.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, you will get through this. Lean on trusted family and friends for support, and keep yourself active with the kids and exercise.

oldtruck posted 1/6/2019 15:25 PM

Exposure is not about revenge. It is about telling
the OMW that her WH is cheating on her.

This results in the OM getting pressured to end the
affair because your WW is not worth the price. All
the OM has to do is go NC with your WW, let his BW
calm down to where she is no longer watching like a
hawk and he just finds a new WW to bang.

You are wasting precious time. And remember you can
not believe what comes out of your WW's mouth. They
only say things that will help them or not create
new damage.

Notice how your WW is still in contact with the OM,
still trying to protect the OM?

Stop wasting time, being taken for a fool by WW
and the OM and get this PA exposed.

Bigheart2018 posted 1/6/2019 15:36 PM

Dear collapsed,

We at SI can only give you our opinion but the decision resides at your hands. I will now offer my thoughts. Your WW and the AP had no consideration for you and your children’s. The possibility of destroying your home wasn’t even an afterthought. Consequently, your steps should only focus on you and your children.

Therefore, I would consult your attorney for advice in the following areas.
1.) I would contact the spouse of AP and inform her of everything that has transpired. I believe the betrayed spouse has a right to know. When you found some pieces of evidence of the affair, you tried to uncover every rock.; therefore, give the OMW the opportunity to investigate to govern her destiny.

2.) I would contact the HR department of their employer. This is a controversial discussion via SI with an opposite opinion. In some states, the potential earning of a spouse will weight heavily on the amount alimony (if any) given to the spouse. Again PLEASE take the advice of your attorney on this issue.

3.) I would consider calling the affair partner because of the message he asked your WW to deliver to you. Only if you desire any additional information.

It is my opinion that your wife is not in a fog but checked out of the marriage. I believe consequences must be issued.

This is only my opinion.

Best,
Bigheart

ShutterHappy posted 1/6/2019 15:49 PM

So there were two confirmed OM. Could there be more? Do you know the second OBS? You will need to contact that one too.