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Double Betrayal

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hopefulkate posted 10/27/2017 19:25 PM

I have no idea if this is the best way, but I explained it pretty matter of factly. Kid age 5-7. It's been a process and this year - age 7 - he was able to really understand. Here is what I said:

Not everyone in the world will like you. You will not like everyone else. And that's ok! There are 7 Billion people on this planet! Plenty of friends to be had. But, even if you don't like someone, you can still be kind to one another.

Some people though, some people can be mean, and [this kid's] mom was so mean to me, and so mean to daddy, that i can not stand to be around her anymore. I will work on forgiveness, and i hope that she can change, but for right now, it is my job to protect you, and keeping you from mean people is my job.

Does that mean that everyone is mean? Of course not! (Listing all people who love and adore them...). But, if you find a mean person, you don't have to be friends with them, and you don't have to like them. It is ok to feel this way.

Unfortunately, you are small, and being friends with her kids would require me to contact her. This does not keep you safe, and it does not make me feel good. So for now, we just won't have them in our lives for a while. And I'm so, so sorry you have lost a good friend. I know how much you liked them. We can talk about this anytime you feel you need to. And, it's also good to focus on all the new friends we have made since moving! Especially since we can't go back to that place any time soon, right? Life is pretty great here, with some pretty great new people.

It is ok to be sad about this. I am too. We will get through this.


Love love blah blah....reassurances throughout about love for kids being unconditional - friends and toxic family members do not get this.......we don't talk to my WH's family at all too....so it was a big deal to discuss the changes and the WHY's of our choices, without letting them know the details of how we got here. (Abusive family, affair....those are not things we chose to talk about right now.)

Not sure if this helps, but that is what I did and it seems to have helped him. He still misses his friend, and 2 years later calls him his best friend, but no longer asks to see him. Heartbreaking? You bet it is.

But the take away is to let him know that even though I did decide not to keep these people in my life, that he will always be in mine. THIS is the big one I think.

BrokenheartedWif posted 10/28/2017 06:13 AM

((hopefulkate))

I applaud you for the way you handled it with your son. My daughter lost her best friend (adultery co-conspirator's daughter), and for the most part only, friend via the double betrayal. Unfortunately she was an adult and had a relationship with the adultery co-conspirator and thought of her as an aunt/friend also. My daughter found out about the adultery and some of what had occurred, but she doesn't know the breadth and depth of the betrayal, deception, selfishness, and pure evil. After all one of the willing participants was her father.

ReliantRobin posted 10/29/2017 15:08 PM

That was an excellent post hopefulkate. Thank you. I haven't had the talk yet but you've certainly given me a good place to start from.

I hate that my children are being hurt by two people both they and I trusted. They definitely deserved better.

MotherofBoys posted 11/7/2017 12:25 PM

Can somebody please, PLEASE explain to me how this can happen? How is it even possible? I can't understand it from any angle. And the more I look at it, analyze it, dissect it, the more it hurts.

He constantly encouraged me to be friends with her. STRONGLY ENCOURAGED. I really didn't want to. She's several years younger than me, doesn't have any kids, and we didn't really have much in common. I was also really uncomfortable being around both her and her husband because they had such a dysfunctional relationship. But a few things happened to help her weasel her way into my life: both of my very close friends moved away, she and her husband were both really good with my kids and my kids really liked both of them, and she kept doing really nice things for me and my family. So eventually, we became friends. But WHY??? Why in the name of all that is good and holy would she WANT to be my friend? If she is screwing my husband behind my back, wouldn't she want to put as much distance between me and her as possible? Wouldn't HE want to put as much distance between us as possible? Why would she pursue a friendship with me? Why would he encourage it? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY (Just to clarify: they were co-workers and "friends" first. They started having sex around the same time that she and I were becoming friends.)

It doesn't make any freaking sense. Why would she buy me gifts? Why would he go golfing with her husband? Why would he invite them over for Christmas dinner? Why would she accept? Why would she offer to keep my kids for the weekend and let them sleep in the bed where she fucked their dad? If anyone can explain this to me please chime in at any time.

But here's the part that really makes no sense. I found pictures of a naked woman on my husband's phone. All from the neck down, so I couldn't identify her. He told me it was someone else -- a stranger. But they both knew I had the pictures. They both knew that I could discover the truth at any time. They both knew there was other evidence out there and that if I found it (which, of course, I eventually did) that it could ruin them personally and professionally. So you would think they would put as much distance between each other and between her and me as earthly possible. But no. It's one thing for them to continue talking, texting, emailing and whatever else they were doing with each other, but it's a whole other messed up nightmare that made her keep coming around me and my kids all the time. And she was more than happy to keep complaining about her crappy marriage while encouraging me to work on mine. She and I never directly discussed that I knew my husband had been unfaithful, but obviously at the time she was aware that I knew, and even though I didn't know if was her, why would she continually put herself in my line of sight and risk my finding the truth?

Even as I type this I think I'm starting to see part of the answer. Back me up on this if you agree . . . obviously, they're both fucking morons. They thought if they kept up the "friend" game it would distract me from the truth. She thought I would never suspect someone who was being such a good, supportive friend. And he thought if he just stuck to his original story long enough I would accept it and move on. And I probably would have if they hadn't made so many mistakes along the way. Really stupid mistakes. Which takes me back to the fucking moron observation.

But still . . . why the friendship in the first place? What were either one of them getting out of her and her husband being our friends?

And finally, someone on another thread told me to go completely NC with this woman because I will never get the truth out of her. That's good advice because up until this morning I was sending her texts, making accusations and calling her names. I couldn't help myself. But she continues to lie. Even though I have audio and video proof of their affair and he has finally confirmed all of my suspicions, she continues to deny and lie about it. And I don't know why it bothers me so much or why it seems really important to hear the truth from her. Just like that other poster told me, I will never get the truth from her. What reason would she ever have for telling me the truth? But it's driving me crazy anyway. I want the truth. I deserve the truth!!

I never felt such anger and hatred towards another person as I do towards her right at this moment. If she was standing in front of me I would repeatedly hit her in the face with a brick.

Evolving posted 11/7/2017 13:23 PM

@motherofboys...itís so so ugly. In my case we were all friends first and the OW ramped up her friendship w me just as the A started. Iíve had a lot of time to think about it and I do believe she thought if she kept me close then I️ would never suspect. Itís narcissistic and cruel and I donít think they even give a thought to how much worse it makes an already horrendous situation. Until it all comes crashing down.

BrokenheartedWif posted 11/7/2017 13:40 PM

((Motherofboys))

It will never make any sense. They are completely delusional and selfish beyond belief.

I never felt such anger and hatred towards another person as I do towards her right at this moment. If she was standing in front of me I would repeatedly hit her in the face with a brick.

She's not worth any jail time at all. Why risk possibly going to jail for someone who willing choose to become nothing but a cumdumpster.

I so get the anger and rage, working on relegating the adultery co-conspirator to the worthless shite pile she choose to slither out from under. As far as I know, the one who slithered into my life, is still going through life not seeking any healing, nor accepting any responsibility for the selfish choices she made to commit Adultery with my very broken SAWS. They are very broken people and they really hurt others.

Lauren1717 posted 11/14/2017 10:38 AM

I definitely belong here, sadly. My WH has been having an affair with the recently divorced mother of my sonís teammate and WH is the head coach. Heís 41, sheís 29. Iíve known her and her XH for 2 years now, they got divorced this summer and the affair started this summer. Divorced because sheíd cheated a couple times (with other guys, but H). Sheís been to our home, including the month it supposedly started. Our kids (mines 10, hers is 11) played together all the time even outside the countless sports games. The two of them have been at get togethers with my son present, mid affair although no showing it. How she could sit near me or speak to me knowing what was going on, just makes me sick. DDay was Oct 19 and sheís been love quote gushing and happy ever since. WH and I will be getting a D, heís rewritten our marriage back 1, then 2, now 4 years. But the gushing post on our 16th anniversary this year told a different story (and in sick twist, the OW loved that post and not less than 4 months later was sleeping with my H.) Heís said OW and he have put their ďrelationship on holdĒ until itís done. Neither one had any consideration for the kids, mine or hers.

On top of that, his assistant coach & wife encouraged and helped coordinate the affair, OW is their best friend. Itís almost like a triple betrayal. And other ďfriendsĒ are condoning what he did by still interacting with her and believing the venom heís spitting out about me. Iím trying my best to be strong for my kiddo, but Iím s stay at home mom with a WH that controls 100% of our finances. And he wonít leave the house, in guest room. Iím planning on getting temp orders to force him out if I have to.

[This message edited by Lauren1717 at 10:50 AM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

tigerlilly posted 11/16/2017 17:25 PM

I'm sorry Lauren1717. It sucks. I wish I could speed up time for you. Stay strong. You will get through this. And, believe it or not, you will thrive.

smilethrupain posted 12/21/2017 15:26 PM

MOTHER OF BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could have written your post nearly word for word!! My WH encouraged my friendship with OW (his coworker) when she found out she was pregnant 1 month after I did. They were just friends at that point so I get that. But 1 year after our sons turned one they started sleeping together, and I'm sure inappropriate flirting way before that. But she continued to be my "close friend" and confidante. I would open up to her about personal stuff under the guise that we were friends and in the new motherhood trenches together. I confided to her about my marriage WHILE she was fucking my husband and we were all (her husband and son, and my husband and son) spending weekends and holidays together.

I can't get over the fact that they ruined so many memories. So many painful realizations like "wow, I hugged her. welcomed her in my house. All while she was plotting the next time she could spread her legs for my husband". It kills me and feels so evil and cruel. She should have stayed the fuck away the second she knew she wanted my man. The second she knew she had stock in the dissolution of my marriage and family. That she didn't is unimaginable. And don't get me started on my own husband. That he didn't protect me, my memories, my weekends and holidays at the very least is disgusting. He allowed and encouraged all of it but now claims innocence like he didn't know how devastating it would be for me later. That they separated friendships from the affair and didn't think they were doing anything wrong. I call bullshit.

I told him: "Evil or stupid? Pick one. Evil or stupid". And then I said, "I know you're not stupid."

MotherofBoys posted 12/24/2017 21:42 PM

@smilethrupain

Evil. No doubt about it. Evil and selfish. And heartbreaking. And so many other words that I donít have to type because you know them.

And now itís Christmas Eve. And my heart is broken. I donít want to celebrate. I want to crawl under the covers and wait for a new year to begin. Because this year has been the worst of my entire life.

Merry Christmas to all of you. I pray for our healing.

DoubleBetrayed9 posted 1/23/2018 08:16 AM

I'm not sure how often this thread is checked but I'm putting it out there. I miss my friends. I miss dinners and game nights. I miss going out to grab a drink to celebrate a promotion or birthday.
My FWH had an A with our best couple friend W. We had a very tight knit social group and it's all ruined. My FWH can't stand to be around anyone because his guilt and shame take over.
The thing that really makes me angry though is AP (former friend) still hangs out with the group. Granted I've heard it's awkward and they don't care for her, OBH gets to have his friends together. There's a wedding coming up that I'll miss because of his actions.

DebraVation posted 1/24/2018 13:37 PM

Hi DoubleBetrayed, I understand that sentiment. My WH and his AP wrecked our main social circle. We used to regularly go for nights out / camping weekends and so on with all our kids in a big group. I am still friends with the group and I still go on nights out with the women but none of them want anything to do with WH (out of loyalty to OBS) or AP (out of loyalty to me. I completely understand their stance, but it does make things awkward.

We have all managed a couple of weekends away since but I went on my own with the kids so it wasn't the same. And if I do that too many times the kids will start asking questions...

I really hate that he had no foresight at all of all the problems it would cause. There is damage everywhere I look. I guess he must be either selfish or stupid (or both).

I don't make friends easily and that was my main group. In any other circumstances (i.e. he hadn't chosen to shag one of them) they would have been the people I'd have been turning to in this situation.

Double betrayal stinks.

Thescreaminside posted 3/18/2018 14:12 PM

The AP was my BFF.
Know each other since we were 3. Bff since teenagers - more history than me and WS.
The depth of that betrayal is staggering. I want the world to see who she is. But I donít want to justify trying R with WS. I donít want to hurt her mother who is so devastated by her daughters betrayal of me and her behaviour. If the church community knew.....
How could they?
How could it end and they pretend for 8years nothing had happened?
The questions are endless.
How do you trust other friends now. If your bff could do this, if he could go there with her Who can I trust...

We went away with friends this weekend and I found myself wondering about the other wives.
WS stayed home with sick DD the first night. I didnít want him to go and me stay home because I could Ďt Trust him but leaving him at home was tough. My mum lives with us so I knew that was the safer option.
I feel sick that I now doubt perfectly decent people because of the A.
It has tainted every interaction I have with everyone.

Onlyjustgetingby posted 3/21/2018 15:47 PM

My ww had a 2.5 year affair with my exbf. It destroyed our social circle. I feel like I can't get close to any of my other friends anymore because I simply don't trust anyone any more. How can I when then person I trusted the most shat on me from a great height. It's like I have to change the way I used to do things and the things I used to enjoy doing because of their fuck up. I can't even go into town for a few drinks because I know if I see the OM I will kill him.
Completely changed my whole outlook on life.

Betrayed spouse club - the roller coaster ride none of us wanted to go on.

litost posted 4/20/2018 00:34 AM

This thread looks inactive, but I wanted to post here because it is where I learned the term for what happened to me.

My XWH got with our mutual childhood friend's newly minted ex. This OW and the friend had just broken up, and the friend had intended to marry her. It ended because she was a serial adulterer. The four of us had been extremely close, best friends even, for many years.

My XWH was so staggeringly selfish that he just went with it because this former-friend of ours fed his ego. He was oblivious as to why his true friend and I stopped talking to him after it happened. Incredible idiot.

Early on, he thought I was being unreasonable about asking him not to hang out alone with this liar. Oh, but they had so much in common and he starting becoming like her. Such good friends; he told her his secrets that he didn't share with me. They reinforced each other's stunted, self-destructive behavior; how dare I want him to get help! I was a baby for not accepting his violent anger! She was just like him, what a dreamboat, match made in heaven, etc.

Well, I hope it was worth forever losing the two people who genuinely cared.

XWH ruined our marriage, hurt our families, destroyed old friendships, and basically continues to think only of himself. He even thinks he is the victim.

I tried to empathize. Yet, I just arrived at the conclusion that I don't want to understand. I'm a decent person, and he's simply not. No one capable of such things could be.

My condolences to everyone who has endured the double-betrayal. In the end, I guess I am lucky that I saw them for what they are so I could eject them from my life. There is no happily-ever-after for someone like that. They are incapable of true love.

[This message edited by litost at 12:38 AM, April 20th (Friday)]

ewg5564 posted 4/24/2018 19:30 PM

I guess I get to sadly be in the double betrayed club. I have a little of my story in my profile and just posted a longer one in the general thread. I'm just struggling so much right now with being betrayed by two people who were supposed to care about me.

How do you deal with it? I was mad at my friend at the beginning, since she initiated and WH didn't say no. Obviously still mad at him, but kind of blaming her more, which I know isn't right. Then I didn't focus on her much at all and now I'm back to being so angry and resentful and feeling so betrayed. How could she do this? How could he? How do I somehow learn to live with this? We've cut her out of our lives, but it's so hard. She was my friend and I just want to talk to her, to hear her side of the story, to show her how much she ruined my life. But I know it won't help anything and I actually think she won't care. But it's eating me up inside.

Nycountrystrong posted 4/29/2018 21:14 PM

I haven't checked this topic in a while but wanted to let the newer people posting know that they have been heard, and that there are many here who have faced this pain too.

I lived through a double betrayal, went through 4 years of false R and am now divorced. My wife's A.P's that were supposed to be my friends hurt more than the ones I didn't know well. Hell I confided in the one friend at the same time my wife was messing around with him. If that's not a big F you I don't know what is.

I'm sorry you are facing this double betrayal as well and wish you well on the path in front of you. Whatever direction that ends up being for you.

littleAvocet posted 6/13/2018 09:46 AM

The thing that really hurts about the double betrayal for me is the fact that this was the two people closest to me. The two people I thought knew me best. And they are the two people that did this to me. It plunges all sense of self worth into nothing. My fwh says he loved me the entire time, but that love obviously weighed nothing when put against some fumbling in a dirty car and some cheap hotels. It was all about what they wanted. She never cared about me. Once I realised that some of the weight lifted. But he had no excuse. He was married to me and he went after her like some horny teenager. It makes me despair. If my little girls and I are worth these crappy encounters, is his love really good enough? We're working on R. I've only been a member of this club since April 25th 2018. Sometimes it just scoops me out and leaves me with nothing. I feel like I'm worth nothing.

strugglebus posted 6/13/2018 09:49 AM

littleAvocet - if two people throw a hundred dollar bill in the trash it doesn't make the money worthless, it makes those people idiots.

I know how you feel. I felt that way too. That feeling is a lie. You are worth everything and more. Look at your kids, they know your worth let them remind you. Take care of yourself and focus on your healing.

SleeplessKnight posted 6/30/2018 00:56 AM

I don't think I will ever understand. I gave this friend a place to crash when not getting along with his parents. Guy code, right? Don't mess with your friends wife. I mean, really?? I have 3 kids here.. that look up to him. Screwing my wife when I am home? You just don't do that. I had a few opportunities when I was younger to get 'with' my friends wives/gf... BUT DID NOT. In fact, lost a few friends when I told them I was being hit on by their girl friends. I am not some 'hot' guy, just a nice guy. Apparently too nice.

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