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Double Betrayal

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Lethealbegin posted 11/5/2015 13:09 PM

Sorry you had to join this club. You are in great company and we all try to help in anyway we can.

Just know this is not about you meaning you did not cause any of this. She is a broken person and needs help. As for the OM he is a predator and Selfish sob!
I wish you well!

SheWiz posted 11/17/2015 01:15 AM

RideToSurvive. Like you, I am new to this topic and very glad to find this particular part of SI. I'm usually on the JFO or General, but this one related to me and I haven't talked about it much. It can be so depressing to read, every single day, of somebody new joining our depressing club...but I try to help where I can.

When I finally discovered the H's affair was my best friend, I couldn't fathom it. I loved this woman - we wrote, texted and phoned daily. Right up until he took her on a romantic 1st class trip across the country, and that's when I caught them.
After months of playing marriage police.
In fact, I still can't fathom it!
It went on 3 yrs.

Her and I had confidences about general bitchy stuff about husbands. You know, girl stuff. And, according to the X, she used all that against me to the end and he said she said horrible things about me. (WHY would he tell me that, anyway??) That was pretty hard to take. I mean, I spent nights at her house just prior to finding out, since we were showing dogs together.

Anyway, I don't seem to hate her. She is nothing - NOTHING to me. I sent her one email after I caught them. You know, one word. C**NT - not a word I like to use, but only one I could think of at the time. Now - she's just garbage.

Lord help her if I ever run into her in a grocery store. Or anywhere else. I wouldn't hit her but I can make a loud voice and would say all these fantasies things to her I've been dreaming of. Hey TRAMP - how do the carrots look today?
Or, yanno - pick up a scoop of bulk peanuts and accidentally dump them over her head..

I still have enough evidence to ruin her relationship with her daughter and granddaughter, but I'd never go that far for innocents.

It was nice to vent tonight - thanks. And, at first, I thought I couldn't trust either gender after all this lying and fucking and lying some more between the two of them. But, I've found myself dipping my foot back into the g/f's, and I have great ones I trust, but I don't really think I want new ones. They all liked the X over me anyway.

DItto on any men. EVER AGAIN! The hurt is like throwing yourself into a wood-fired pizza oven. Who would try that again, I wonder?

SheWiz posted 11/17/2015 01:20 AM

RideToSurvive - I didn't see your story on General but I read your profile. It said, 'you wanted to turn her around'. I'm sorry, but you do not control her and cannot control this situation. Only she can turn herself around, and unfortunately, I found out immediately after many years invested that the X did not want to turn around.

Yeah, it hurts when you realize they no longer love you.

So sorry.

SheWiz posted 11/17/2015 01:38 AM

Makes me question my entire marriage. Has it all been a lie? Have I been played for a fool? I don't feel I know my wife anymore.

RideToSurvive. This is exactly what I went through and am still struggling with. We had SO many great years together. The only fail was when he met HER, that I know of...groan.

For a long time, during my most painful times was, yes - it was ALL a fake. How could it NOT be? What could I believe at this point? I mean, if you can play for 3 yrs behind my back and I know you better than anybody (ha, right), I should have picked it up earlier. But, he got good at the game of double cake-eating.

I really don't think he knew what he was risking. Maybe he's still in love with the promiscuous harlot and may have a STD for all I know, but I wasn't about to wait around to see.

It wasn't the sex, as we say, it was all the back-stabbing, lies and deceit that do these people in.

I have a clear conscious. I can lift my head high in public. He has since gone underground and not even his family hears much about him. I think he's very ashamed. Maybe he's finding God.

And, as far as the witch goes, I'm sure she's brewing a new batch of stew for the next guy..

Geez...suddenly my blood is boiling. lol - tea time.

TopsyTurvey posted 11/19/2015 11:56 AM

I think this is the only place I can put my feelings out on this situation of the double betrayal. Please read my profile for the gory details. A dear friend of ours, he was the best man at our wedding 42+ years ago died and we went to his wake and funeral the next day. Well, we're at the wake and I'm talking with people and lo and behold I look up and there she is. I removed myself and went to an area where I could be alone. I found my husband and he must have seen her also because he said "let's go". He did see her and went to find me ASAP. The next day we went to our friend's funeral service and there she was again. She sat a few rows ahead of us and neither of us made eye contact or spoke. I am sure we were both aware of each other's presence. So, I think I did the right thing, keep your dignity and say nothing. I told my husband I thought she looked pretty haggard, he said he didn't notice anything because he didn't want to even look at her. So, that's what happened when I ran into my former friend and husband's AP. Absolutely nothing. Thanks for listening.

gianta posted 11/19/2015 22:36 PM

I am a new member, last year I found out my brother and my wife are having sex or an affair. I felt something was wrong and had a lot of mixed signals that made me suspicious, but when I found out the truth and had what you all are calling the d-day I have never been the same since. I could write a story of 1000 pages of what a nightmare my life has been since I found out and the ramifications to my family have been a disaster, my children, parents everyone I ever loved destroyed by their selfish, demented actions. All the thoughts of the man I loved the most in the world and trusted my whole life and the mother of my young children doing this right under my nose, playing me for a fool. I am desperate, I can talk to no one about this, the best parts of my days are the parts where I am so distracted and I don't think about it.

Lethealbegin posted 11/21/2015 09:16 AM

Dear Gianta
I am so so sorry. Do you have a therapist?

I am so sorry you find yourself here. You are not a fool. They are the fools. I used to wonder how people say would be cheated out of their life savings. When you really think about it you realize the victim is not a fool at all. The victim is a good person. The offender is evil and always comes under the disguise of some one or something good. They are sometimes so good at it they should of been in the movies. They will be your best supporter or your cheerleader while behind the scenes they are master minding the evil plans. So please please know you are not the fool by any stretch of the imagination. You are good they are the fools. I wish you the best. Therapy has helped me a lot. I am and so are you a great person. You did not cause this to happen.

livinganew posted 12/24/2015 12:44 PM

Gianta...

...playing me for a fool. I am desperate, I can talk to no one about this...

I note this was your only post. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you posted. I pray you are still reading, getting therapy, taking care of yourself.

I feel your desperation. While each situation is unique, my feelings were/are similar--that I was an absolute, desperate, rejected, abandoned, and unloveable fool. Please, you must accept that your brother and wife's evil choices have nothing to do with you... They just don't.

That is its own agony--that our WS and OP weren't thinking about us BS, at all; only themselves!

We're all broken; each in our own ways. It was their brokenness that led them to do what they did.

Unfair as it is, your heretofore unfathomable pain and trauma is your path to navigate now. I invite you to consider that the depth of your horror simply is reflective of a good person trusting his spouse and brother. Shit, who wouldn't do that?

I could go on for many pages with my story, too... Suffice it to say that I was in shock for eight months after DDay; lost weight I didn't have to lose (below my high school weight) and could do nothing about it. It took another two years to get to some understanding and acceptance with what happened. Still hurts three years out; just not as intensely as it did.

Now, I'm mostly sad when I consider what happened. But I've also grown from the pain--I'm more compassionate, loving, empathic, stronger, have more faith, etc. I already had these qualities, but leaning into and accepting my pain has enhanced them, to the extent that I'm increasingly grateful for everything in my life that gotten me to this point, here and now, writing to you.

Right now, your life is up to you. You need take care of yourself. Only YOU can do this. I hope you make that choice. Are you getting therapy (i.e., individual counseling "IC")? That was a God-send for me; still do it at some level. Find others to talk to; my sister was my rock.

I'll end with how I started: I pray you are okay, still on this site reading and learning, amongst others who can at least begin to appreciate and understand your horror.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 10:03 AM, December 25th (Friday)]

Zinnia8 posted 1/25/2016 21:02 PM

Reading this thread though has made me realize how (relatively) easy I have it because some of your stories are so much worse.

About six weeks ago my fiancé had a one night stand with my friend. They were both very drunk. He is a binge drinker and once he has had a few drinks he can't stop and will have 20 or 30 drinks. He only drinks once every six months or so, and it's always chaos, but never involved even a hint of infidelity. I was out of town and he showed up in a bar to have a few beers with mutual friends, and after he had a few, my friend started buying him shots. Long story short, they had sex.

He admitted what happened, told me everything I wanted to know, sent her a NC email without being asked to, gave me all of his email and social media passwords and seems very committed to making things right. Since it happened, he has been going to AA meetings and has vowed to quit drinking forever.

Anyway, I am completely devastated. I cry every day, often in public. I blame the one night stand on his drinking (but I blame him for drinking, though, so he is still responsible for what happened) and I blame my friend. She is fat and desperate and always on Tinder and was buying him shots for crying out loud.

We live in a small town and she has been going all over town telling everyone how sorry she is and how she would do anything to fix things. I am obsessed with her now, and trying to figure out how I missed this massive defect of character in her. Why did she do this to me? Was it just because she was drunk or did she feel competitive with me or want to hurt me or take what I had?

So I have decided to send her a letter explaining what I want her to do to fix things, which is move to another town. I know that she probably won't, but I also know that her reputation is toast, and once this gets out more (and it will) it will cost her professionally. So maybe she will move, I don't know. I just feel like I need to say my piece and tell her what I want rather than just hoping she will read my mind.

I know this is sexist, but I guess I can understand what he did. I do believe that he was blackout drunk (which again, is entirely his own fault for drinking that night) and I have seen so much true remorse from him. He is disgusted with himself disgusted by her, and truly ashamed. He is willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to repair our relationship. But I can't understand what she did at all. I am 99% certain just from knowing both of them that she was the one to initiate it. I always thought there was a girl code or something -- I would never dream of hooking up with someone that was with someone else, even if I didn't know them. And for breaking the girl code, I hate her. I feel like not only will I never trust my fiancé again, but I will never trust my female friends again. It's such a horrible feeling.

[This message edited by Zinnia8 at 9:04 PM, January 25th (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 2/3/2016 09:09 AM

Zinnia- Hugs to you. It sucks. My H's affair was also with a friend, and it was 2.5 months long. And he wasn't drunk! Which is good and bad -- he doesn't have a drinking problem, but he was (sort of) in control of his faculties.

I also felt blindsided by my "friend." I honestly never dreamed anyone would do something so terrible to me and my family -- especially someone I thought cared about me/us. What I have come to learn is that she was just really a very broken, needy and insecure person. A really damaged person who used my husband to try to make herself feel better. The same is probably true for your friend. I do think there was some level of comepetition/jealousy going on there, but it was just because the AP felt so shitty about herself. So, it has taken me 2+ years, but I am finally getting to pity for her, after a lot of anger and honestly, hatred. I have never hated anyone before.

I try to look at it like this -- how awful would I have to feel about myself or my life that this would seem like a good option? And honestly, I do think it is different for women than for men. We tend to be more self-protective and to protect our families if we have them. So, something has to be really broken there, I think. Hopefully you will learn to not take it personally. It wasn't about you.

And I hate to say this, but I would spend a few more years before you decide whether Mr Zinnia is a good bet to marry. The alcohol thing, and now this, are both big, red flags. Take your time.
Hugs to you.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:11 AM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

LaVoie posted 2/6/2016 14:00 PM

I told my WH this week that the worst thing for me is that it was with her!! I am so angry and hurt. I keep on tearing up. Today has been bad. I dont know why...maybe because I got the phone records yesterday and he phoned her cell 12x in January, he also phoned her work number and her home number several times. Now I'm still not sure they are in NC. At least they can't see each other...live far apart. But still just thinking of them still discussing everything and me behind my back, just makes me sick. I keep on suspecting him of still texting her...I avoid bringing up the subject of passwords etc, because I don't want a fight again. How do I get it from him without a confrontation? I am so tired!!!

SadMom75 posted 2/15/2016 20:17 PM

These are hard to read, but I see it's very common! I have a similar story. I had a party for my husbands 40th. I drank too much and went to bed. While I was sleeping my husband got a blow job from his BFFs wife. My BFF heard it all and he begged her not to tell me. (So that's their story anyway...) 3 weeks later my BFF, my WH and her husband go away for a week for my 40th., and I still don't know a thing went wrong at his party. After we came home my BFF and WH started texting, which lead to sexting. In that time he was still sexting his BJ girl too. So she goes from being upset my husband got a BJ from another women to joining in my devastation. Wtf?

I don't blame myself, but I should have seen this. Not the BJ girl, that was out of left field, but my BFF. We've been the best of friends for 28 years. Throughout the years she has become someone I don't respect. If I met her today, I'd never give her the time of day. Multiple affairs, ruination of more than one marriage because of her plus addiction problems, etc... I allowed our friendship for a few reasons. I blamed her bad decisions on depression. But mainly it was because there was nothing she needed from me. All of her other friendships are based on need. Someone to take/buy pills with, or drink with, or sleep with. But our friendship was based on what I thought was a mutual love and long history. I never thought the sordid details I told my husband about her would make her appealing. I thought he was going to ask me to stop hanging out with her, actually. How wrong I was.

So betrayed by 3 people close to me. There isn't much worse that could happen.

DailyReprieve posted 2/29/2016 08:38 AM

Mild freak out last night. It's been almost 19 months
since DDay and she's done about everything one could hope for to reconcile. Last night as I climbed in bed to have sex with her, out of nowhere I could feel the presence of my brother aka her primary affair partner. Slowed things down, we talked a little and it worked out but damn...just when I think I'm out, it pulls me back in.

AshleyBST posted 7/12/2016 11:18 AM

I am sorry to have to join in on this one. I'm new and only found out ten days ago, but I feel reading this has helped me with some perspective.

I am dealing with two double betrayals, or maybe it's a triple? Wife had two ongoing affairs with two of what I thought were my good friends. They are brothers... she was good friends with one of the wives, and that wife, myself and mywife all work together. It is one giant cluster mess. It has just shredded my ability to function, I'm just a mess. Here's to looking forward to one day being happy again!

Marathonmumof4 posted 7/12/2016 16:23 PM

Welcome. Double betrayal is a special kind of hell. I'm 3 years out and reconciled and happy ( most of the time - triggers suck )
I think that you will have to re think your work situation. The other betrayed spouse and your wife shouldn't be working together especially with you in the middle.
Has no contact between your wife and her APs been established?

AshleyBST posted 7/12/2016 21:37 PM

Has no contact between your wife and her APs been established?

Marathonmumof4

No contact was established. I've communicated with both the wives of the other men (the wives are sisters in law).

One of the partners (the "main affair"), he has a strong wife and I think he's come clean about all and she is giving him hell.

The other partner (more sporadic affair, fewer instances etc) has literally come unglued. Denying everything to his wife, until I provide the proof I found one piece at a time... lie after lie. While my wife has deleted him from his phone, he is texting her, at first accusing her of lying, calling her insane for dragging him into this, and basically borderline abusive texts. We haven't reply, but here's the gist of what he has said (censored):

"What the frick is going"
"Are you fricking insane???"
"I don't know what kind of mess you created but I can't believe you drag (my wife) and I into your shit"
And the newest today: "After everything else you fricked up you are still working at (same place as his wife)! Are you trying to win the award for stupidest person ever? You are a piece of crap!"

I don't know why I feel really defensive and want to protect my wife from him after all she's done (she has really messed up) but his escalating texts has me worried....

Marathonmumof4 posted 7/13/2016 08:39 AM

I would be worried too. Keep a record of the texts don't delete in case you need evidence invade ghjngs escalate. He's showing his true colours isn't he
At least your wife is seeing him for the piece of work that he is and its unlikely the affair has gone underground. Couldn't your wife block his number from her phone or even change her number. That's what my WH and I had to do in the end to ensure NC
Hang is there. Don't let these text distract you from the issue in hand which is your wife's betrayal

bionicgal posted 7/13/2016 15:01 PM

Um, she needs to block his texts -- like, yesterday.
Block.
NC.
And wow -- what a cluster. Don't let your wife go all victimy on this -- she knew he was a volatile piece of work when she got involved with him. It was all fun and games until she had to "man up." She needs to do that, dear. Not you.

Brothers? Holy hot mess. Look, I am normally all for reconciliation and empathy, but that seems a little off the charts. I would need to see evidence of some serious therapy, etc. before I'd consider being with someone with judgement that poor.

Sorry -- don't mean to kick you when you are down. Something about this post jangled me. But regardless - she made the mess. She picked the guys. So, she needs to find the strength in herself to fix things.

Lethealbegin posted 7/13/2016 15:32 PM

I am so sorry AshleyBST
My x friend lived across the street us. I highly suggested to her that she had to move out of the neighborhood. I prayed and prayed. They did move but it really was because she thought everyone in the neighborhood would be friends with her still and hate me!😳 She actually told me that! We all had young kids who played with each other. I know every time you see these OM your blood may boil. Just take a deep breath and take the high road. It is bad enough this is happening don't lose your dignity going to this guys level. In my situation my xfriend had her husband call me and blame me for her not having friends and etc.. Yikes!!! I never responded to him about any thing she through my way. See she wanted me to make a scene so she could play victim. She was trying to play the victim anyway but no luck. I was the victim not her. I held onto my integrity and dignity. It was not easy I wanted to take a billboard out with her photo telling all the women in my town who she really was.

I wish you well.

Gixxerman posted 7/16/2016 07:54 AM

My wife had an affair with one of my close friends. It started when I was posted away from home. He started hanging out with her the moment I left town as his wife conveniently worked afternoon and night shifts. My wife capitulated about 10 days after I went away.

[This message edited by Gixxerman at 12:42 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

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