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Double Betrayal

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WineLover posted 6/26/2015 08:42 AM

Nexttome-
My Dday is close to yours so we are at the same point in this journey. Without question this has been the most difficult period of my life. The pain is still very raw, but I do think it has changed over time. I no longer think of the affair 100% of the time. I am able to spend quality time with my husband. When we share good times together sometimes I totally forget about the affair. Then something will trigger me and the hurt starts all over again. But I still view this as progress!

Are you sure the affair has ended?? Is he being completely transparent?

I seriously considered going on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication at one point. Have you ever thought about that? It might help you process things a bit easier. Hugs to you!

[This message edited by WineLover at 8:45 AM, June 26th (Friday)]

Nexttome posted 7/2/2015 12:02 PM

I believe the affair is over. I just have such a hard time believing that he really loves me the way I have always wanted him to after stabbing me in the back for 7 months. I have a hard time getting over the fact that I was in denial even though deep down I knew something was going on. I will be fine and then a memory or something will come up and it is like a slap in the face every time. I definitely feel extreme lows more now than ever.

I have thought about medication but I don't do well with medicine. I tend to react very strongly to side effects. It's a last resort for me but I am going to have to find a way to be happier.

Nexttome posted 7/2/2015 12:15 PM

I feel like they both (BF and WH) had pretty genuine apologies. I think he is sorry, but I know he doesn't like to talk about it. He gets mad when I bring it up because he said he can't stand to relive it. I obviously am having a hard time letting it go. I have had at least one breakdown a day for nearly 8 months.

humboldtmom posted 7/5/2015 22:40 PM

Next, you are not to blame for him getting upset about bringing up the A. He doesn't like to be reminded of what a jerk he was. That's not your burden. Just sayin'. You do what you need to heal and he will either help or hinder you. ((Hugs))

Cannondale posted 7/9/2015 13:11 PM

I can totally relate to this topic and how everyone effected feels. I too have been through the double betrayal scenario, triple betrayal in my case as at the time another so called friend was going on double dates with his girlfriend, my girlfriend and the friend of mine she was cheating on me with. A nicely cosy little foursome. To this day that third person doesn't think they did much wrong. Well if he ever ends up in my shoes I reckon he'd think somewhat different. If he ever went through the hurt they all put me through he would finally understand perhaps just what it felt like to be me.

What hurts the most for me is all these years later after this took place my so called friend who went off with my girlfriend has never even attempted to apologise to me. Never shown the slightest hint of remorse or sorrow or regret. I'd been friends with him for many years prior, i'd set him up with my cousin (whom i'm quite protective over) and after that introduced him to a friend of mine who he was with for a good few years. He came to a lot of our family parties and he was like a part of my family in many ways. He was like a brother at times.

Yet this person ruined what for me what was a really deep relationship in that I loved the bones off her. I caught him one night in a nightclub kissing my girlfriend. After a huge argument and a few days of them both telling me it was a mistake etc I let them off and tried to carry on as normal. Only for me to find out a couple of months later they were seeing each other behind my back.

Here we are years later and although I've long moved on, I guess I've never been able to find the peace and closure I need to truly put it to behind me. I'd give anything to just have a simple sorry.

That would mean so much to me.

Nexttome posted 7/9/2015 13:47 PM

I'm so sorry that you went through this and didn't get an apology from your "friend". I am very sad that my husband hasn't apologized to his friend and coworker- OW's husband- that was also betrayed. He thinks because the marriage was already irreparable that somehow the injury should be less- little does he know the psychological damage that is done to a wronged individual by someone they trusted.

I think most affairs are about the ego- and getting caught deflates that. An apology would be harder for someone seeking this sort of gratification- just my opinion. I obviously don't know him but I think whatever he used to justify what he did to you is probably still stuck in his not-so-moral mind.

Nexttome posted 7/9/2015 13:49 PM

I will add that I had sent a forgiveness letter to the OW/BF before I received a true apology- I still wanted her dead but it gave me closure. She said she had been too ashamed to contact me and then I got my apology.If you need closure that could work for you. You are already the bigger person.

Cannondale posted 7/9/2015 17:30 PM

I'm really intrigued by this forgiveness letter you've mentioned. What did you say to them?

Nexttome posted 7/20/2015 11:40 AM

The forgiveness letter pretty much said that I know I played a small part in what happened- at least in my marriage- and that I want to let go of what they did to me. I admit I was much nicer than I felt because I had said really horrible things to the OW out of anger and I didn't want her to try to be with my husband out of spite. I also wanted to feel like the bigger person, my self esteem took a big hit.

I really wanted closure and to let go of the anger and bitterness (still waiting for that to happen). Hearing that she was remorseful did help, but in my case it opened up the door for further communication and I ended up getting every detail from her about the affair to 'fact check' what my husband told me.

TopsyTurvey posted 7/27/2015 12:41 PM

Been having a tough time lately. It's coming up to the sixth anniversary of the double betrayal of my husband and our long time friend. Oh, how I wish I could stop running this over and over in my mind. My husband has given me no reason to suspect him of anything involving the AP. I am quite sure he has been NC since 1/2010. We're both retired now. I just wish i could be more trusting. I have no reason not to trust him. It's ME and I know it. He never talks about the affair. The AP contacted him through FB but he has not opened up the email and she has been blocked from both his and my accounts. Believe it or not, she sent a FB friend request to me but not my husband, the arrogance is unbelievable. We only live blocks apart but have been fortunate enough to not run into each other in the neighborhood. I keep wondering if I should go back to IC, or try to start a conversation with my husband about my feelings. That would be the best, I think. But, he's so ashamed. He has tried so hard but I, unfortunately, have become so hard. So, not like me. I was a kind, trusting, some folks call me a Pollyanna and I'm a retired RN which the word Pollyanna is not a usual description. Thanks for letting me unburden.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/27/2015 17:31 PM

Hi Topsy! I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of Dday, so understand how you feel! I was hoping by year 6 I wouldn't even notice when it comes around, but I really believe I will! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

I agree that letting your H know how you feel is a good idea! If your like me, the more time that passes,the harder it becomes to bring up the A, and my H never does! He says he hates talking about it, wishes it would never have happened, and doesn't want to relive it either. However, I remind him that sometimes it's just what "I" need!

I can't believe she sent a FB friend request to you! What nerve! My FWH AP was my brothers wife and they seperated several years ago but she just recently moved back in with him! I'm just thankful they live 500 miles from us!

I hope you are both enjoying retirement! Believe it or not, I went back to college in my early 50's to get my Nursing Degree! I felt so honored because they only took a certain amount of students & I got in. However I didn't finish because of a bad back & some other issues. I only lacked 1/2 semester getting my LVN and 1 1/2 to get my RN! I was pretty bummed! It had been my life dream! But the experience was still awesome! I bet you were a great nurse!

I hope you will talk to hubby and get that reassurance or whatever you need to feel better! Let me know! Hugs to you!

DailyReprieve posted 8/8/2015 12:33 PM

It was one year ago today that my ww told me that she had an affair with my brother. I guess it's been the usual infidelity roller coaster ride to hell and back. We have been trudging our way through R since dday. Much TT, and that's the hardest part now. While she has been remorseful and all about taking responsibility and changing, I'm troubled with uncertainty on whether she's told the whole story or left some details twisting in the dark ominous clouds of TT.

In the aftermath of dday she also admitted she had a substance abuse problem. She became involved in AA, which has gone a long way in aiding our R and in my ability to see true remorse.

The A with my brother lasted 5 years as best as I can figure. After that there were a number of ons and at the end of her run a largely EA but also PA that lasted a few months. I have forgiven but rebuilding the trust will take a long time.

As far as my brother is concerned I had to battle for months the urge to physically tear him apart. His own drug problem had cost him everything before the affair began. Aside from being attracted to him, my ww felt sorry for him. And soon he was her source for weed. I had helped him more than anyone and couldn't imagine him betraying me like this. It's still a struggle at times to let that anger go but it has gotten better. I'm grateful that when I first found out that I was working 500 miles away from our hometown for another 6 weeks.

Another item I've wrestled a lot with has been contact with my family. Mom passed away 5 years ago. I haven't had much contact with my youngest brother since even before then for a variety of reasons, and his response to learning of my wife's affair with our middle brother pretty much renders that relationship dead. In the immediate, immensely emotional aftermath of dday any contact with the betraying brother's kids or my adopted father was incredibly difficult. Made me distance myself as much as possible. And now I feel much guilt about not being more accessible to our father. I spend every spring-summer away for work, but I should call more especially now that he is rehabbing some health issues in a nursing home. It's all such a trigger. I'm torn between knowing I need to do what's best for me these days, and the selfishness I'm displaying by being distant from him.

Anyway, a year out it still sucks but it is a lot better than it was. Thanks for letting me babble on this anniversary. Reading SI has helped in many ways and because of that I'm so grateful to no longer feel like I'm all alone in this cluster#$+!.

Lethealbegin posted 8/10/2015 14:55 PM

I am sorry you are having to go thru this. Remember you did not bring this on yourself. As for your adopted father does he know? If so what is his thoughts? You have to do what is best for you and your well being. I have had to do things I wouldn't normally do before this happened. I even have had to distance my own mom who I love dearly! Not for any reason other then I can not take on her anxiety or her quilt trips she does to me to control me. She has no idea what has happened to me. As much as I need her to be there for support she would be a drain on me with all her worry for me and her grandchildren. It is a shame because my step father had This happen to him with his first marriage. He gave her another chance and the affair went underground. He would be such a great support for me since he knows how these wounds feel. But you can not take on certain things it is just not healthy for you. I am concerned about the quilt you have about your adopted dad.

You have so much wounds to heal I would hate for you to add this to the pile. I will say a pray for you. Again I am sorry you had to join this club!

DailyReprieve posted 8/10/2015 21:49 PM

Thanks Lethealbegin.

My father doesn't know, as far as I'm aware. I often thought that if I could tell him what happened that he would understand and respect my need to be distant. This sounds a little messed up but I didn't tell him for a long time because my wife was always special in his and my late mother's eyes. Him being older, alone and whatnot I just didn't want to bring him down. Now with him being sick & diagnosed with depression it even more seems like the wrong move to tell him.

As for my guilt, it's a work in progress. Thanks again!

[This message edited by DailyReprieve at 12:01 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

humboldtmom posted 8/24/2015 21:56 PM

i hate this betrayal that just keeps messing with my life.

[This message edited by humboldtmom at 11:32 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

OneFootFirst posted 9/25/2015 01:11 AM

Ugh. So many awful stories of family betrayal here lately. My heart goes out to you all. In comparison, I feel like many of the issues I've been having lately are pretty minor. Things in general are so much easier than they were in the weeks and months following Dday. WH and I are building a new relationship together and although I'll never know the full A story, I believe he is honest with me now and he is working to regain my trust and respect.
Be that as it may, I went from the occasional long distance spotting of OW/XF to seeing her up close and personal three times a week, since her kids and my kids are now on the same soccer teams. I know (before NC was initiated, she said outright) that she blames WH for the affair. She played the victim card big time post Dday and her BH appears to have bought it hook, line and sinker. She has implied to other parents that my children are difficult and that that's why we no longer spend time together. In short, I have gotten nothing from her, I expect nothing from her, but it continues to be hard for me to convince myself that she is nothing to me. Why on earth do I still care whether or not she feels guilty?

Marathonmumof4 posted 9/25/2015 03:32 AM

mrcpu
Not its not. I feel extreme hate and anger towards my friend who was OW. She showed no remorse or no regret even stating that "she had done nothing wrong" even though she was married herself at the time. Afterwards she spread lies about me, portrayed herself as the victim to mutual friends and still insists on turning up to mutual social events, holding her head up high , giving me filthy looks like I did something bad to her! I realise now what a dangerous narcissist she is.
My husband and I are now reconciled and have worked through my issues with his affair. I still feel hurt and anger but his genuine remorse, his action, his words help me work towards forgiveness ( not there yet!)
But the unfinished business with Ow/friend I struggle with badly.i can relate to your feelings.

Lavenderrose posted 9/30/2015 22:05 PM

Trust: I have no idea how to do that again.

WH had an affair with a mutual friend of ours.
I am so grossed out thinking about time I spent with her as a friend.
I don't know how long this was going on or many details. I am honestly afraid to find out.

He stayed out all night two months ago and I found them accidentally when I took my son to breakfast.

I don't know what universe he thinks he lives in.

Neither of them has shown any remorse or even apologized.

Mostly I have retreated from people because i basically have no interest in people now.

Nothing was as it seemed.

I really am not sure how to trust anyone again.

I have filed for divorce. This D day came a year after I discovered a different affair and
many years prior to this I saw messages between him and another woman.

So no more.
Still it is sad.

Lethealbegin posted 10/4/2015 11:55 AM

Dear Lavenderrose

I am so sorry you are suffering. I know this has shaken you to your very core. I want you to know that you will be okay. You will trust again although it will be different you will still be able to trust again. You will be able to do so much you do not even know you are capable of.

I was betrayed by a friend also. She felt she did nothing wrong and it was my fault and her husbands fault. Ha ha ha ha still makes me laugh! She also told me that everyone was going to stand by her and will be discussed with me. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha !!! Let me share something With you. You are a wonderful loving and caring person. Who has integrity, self worth and etc... See you do not want to play into her hands. She wants you to be in this horrible place. She gets a thrill from it. I know somedays are easier then others but be the best person that you are and you will rise above all.

Again I am so sorry you find yourself here. You are in good company. We truly understand you and the pain. You are not alone. Hugs

Ridetosurvive posted 11/3/2015 17:26 PM

Sadly, I introduce myself as a new member of the Double Betrayal club. I posted my (long) story in the General forum so won't repeat it here.

Second betrayal came 29 years after the first, but it is with the same OM. Makes me question my entire marriage. Has it all been a lie? Have I been played for a fool? I don't feel I know my wife anymore.

It hurts. It hurts bad.

Knowing I am not alone, and that I can share experiences and feelings with this group is a great comfort.

[This message edited by Ridetosurvive at 6:36 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

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