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Double Betrayal

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jackie89 posted 5/1/2015 05:57 AM

WL,

I'm glad that you have decided to R - i tried many times, but I couldn't being me the only one putting in the work.

That being said one can't just put the blame on the OW, because that's all heard from you and the below posters "she, she, she". NO. what about your WH?

The way I FINALLY saw HIS part like this, he knowingly allowed HER to backstab ME, every single time we were together or they were together. HE ALLOWED this being done to you!

So you will at some point need to start dealing with that, and that's when the real work begins. Will you trust him not to backstab you again? Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I just feel like your betrayal is more about the OW doing this to you, than your H. He is who truly betrayed you, she was just there, available for him!

Hugs, to all of you, I was there for so long, still am sometimes!

WineLover posted 5/4/2015 18:48 PM

Jackie89,

I do realize I have channeled much of my anger towards the OW. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism, because I still have a hard time believing WH was capable of doing this to me. IC says my anger towards OW could be because my relationship with her is more expendable than my relationship with WH. We've had a long marriage, 3 kids, etc. I am taking it one day at a time...

SadButNotDead posted 5/5/2015 15:52 PM

I can relate, probably easiest to say my story closely resembles WineLover.

For the first few weeks after DDay I didn't leave the house, didn't speak to anyone (except WH and kids) as I tried to wrap my head around WTF just happened.

After a few weeks a mutual friend called for a general catchup and during the conversation asked after AP (having no idea what had been revealed). That's when I made my decision to protect myself and my children and not keep this dirty secret of the 6 month A. I needed The mutual friend and anyone else I deemed necessary to know so that myself and my kids would not be shamed by this secret. I personnaly told my mutual friends because I didn't want myself or my kids anywhere near the AP (bday parties, social gatherings etc).

Prior to this I had told a different close mutual friend simply 'the AP and I are no longer friends and I don't want to discuss it' thinking I was protecting the mutual friend from the fallout. She now knows why and explained to me when she didn't know why was the most worrying week of her life.

You see it's the secrets that you keep that keep you sick. My WH explained to the kids as approriatly as he could what he did and why we no longer see or are friends with the other family. The AP had gone to extraordinary lengths to infiltrate my home and systematically abuse (she is a predatory NPD) the trust of myself and my kids. My DD (7) has had the hardest time because she doesn't have the concepts of what an affair is only knows AP is not her 'friend' and never was. My hope is that being open and honest will ultimately be the long term behaviours We are modelling for our kids.

My need to not keep this A a secret has freed me from what I can only imagine would otherwise be a slow torture. We are several months out from DDay and I have had very mixed reactions from a variety of school colleagues, school administration and friends. Generally, mutual friends seem to be wanting to protect me and my kids from any school/social situations that arise. Several acquaintances who have raised the topic with me do so knowing it is not a secret. There has been mean, nosy , gossipy individuals who have questioned my oldest DS(9) regarding the A (I know right - some people should just be punched in the head) and thankfully he was as open and honest as he felt comfortable.
AP's BS made the family switch schools - thank goodness.

Essentially it is what it is! I can't change it. Que sera, sera.

I don't know if this has been the right approach or would suit everybody but there are times when I am clearly convinced it is. I don't have to spend anytime thinking about who knows or who doesn't.

BS18years posted 5/6/2015 10:32 AM

I was with my 12 year old in the gas station this weekend, when we saw one of the OW and her husband. (they have an open relationship, so both knew/asked my WH to sleep with the wife). My son said, 'look mom, it's so and so, let's say HI'. As he was waiving to them, I had to quickly explain to him that we were no longer friends with them. He didn't ask why, but proceeded to ask me why he couldn't still be friends with them and say hi to them. I did everything I could to keep from crying. I told him that it was his choice if he wanted to still talk to them, but that they were no longer me and WH's friends, so I asked him to please not call them over to us to say hi. He seemed to understand, wish it was that easy for me.

scorpioqueen posted 5/6/2015 16:48 PM

I too have fallen in this category. My husband started an affair with my cousin who was like a sister to me. She lived with us for 2 months with her 16 yrs old son while she was waiting for her apt to be ready. We have 3 kids of our own as well 19 .15. 12. My daughter the 12 yr old caught them cheating while she lived there and never said anything until her dad moved out. He had moved out and is living with his sister and said he was leaving my cousin since the kids aren't ok with it. I wanted to kill both of them. They are not worth it. I have no contact with ex unless it's about . I tried to be friends since he left 3/13 but it is too hard. I cannot be friends since there is too much answer and hurt right now. As for my cousin she is dead to me. All the family had taken my side on this one and she is all alone as she should be. One day at a time and keeping myself busy has helped tremendously. But the most helpful thing had been no contact.

Tootsieone posted 5/7/2015 05:08 AM

My H had an affair last year with my Ex-friend I have been doing great for the last few weeks and our R was going well, however I have so much anger and hate inside this week I feel like I could explode. I am trying to keep this under control. So though if I write it down it might help. So here goes;
I HATE MYSELF - BECAUSE
• I should have been stronger
• I should not of let him see how vulnerable I was
• I should not have believed the lies they told me on 1st DD
• I trusted both of them with my life
• I let myself be in her company after 1st DD and showed her my weaknesses
I HATE MY HUSBAND –BECAUSE
• He cheated
• He lied
• He deceived
• He screwed someone else
• He knew I was hurting and continued all of above
• He continued A after 1st DD
• He ruined my life
• He blamed me
• He has taken something from me that I will never get back
• I can’t stop loving him
I HATE OW – BECAUSE
• She was supposed to be my friend and had been a part of my family for years, she had been previously married to my uncle
• She showed compassion and support when I told her I suspected H was having an affair (before I knew it was her)
• She reported everything back to H
• She denied PA said she was supporting him because he was depressed
• I lost 2 of my best friends - my cousin (OW son) and his partner
• She had been cheating on in the past and I helped her
• She is still breathing and walking about telling anyone that will listen that she was the innocent party

xpavidusx posted 5/8/2015 14:38 PM

My now ex-husband cheated with one of my best friends of 15 years. She was married to one of his best friends. For some reason I'm more angry at her than I am at my ex, has anyone else experienced that? I'm wondering if its because I had closure with my ex through the divorce but have not spoken to the OW since it happened.

[This message edited by xpavidusx at 3:00 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

WineLover posted 5/10/2015 16:40 PM

TootsieOne -

I totally understand how you hate your husband and the OW, but PLEASE do not hate yourself. To be vulnerable and trusting is to be human.

The anger you feel is normal. I find it helpful to write down my thoughts as well. It puts the anger to rest (at least for a little while!).

bionicgal posted 5/12/2015 08:31 AM

Xpavi,
I think sometimes that it is easy to get angrier at the OW b/c they are the ones from the outside that violated the family. I think it is partly biological.

Also, and sorry to the men, but there is an unspoken sisterhood that sleeping with your friend's husband violates. I don't think men have this as strongly, but women are the nurturers, and we are supposed to look out for our families, and each other. Affairs are a huge violation of all that is beautiful about being female.

Also, women aren't driven by sex drive as much as men are, so when a woman is after your man, she is usually after something else -- often, your life!! Or, at a minimum, your husband. That is very threatening. I think it is much easier for men to have affairs and do it mainly for the sex/feelings of "love"/admiration, but without any thought of it being a future thing. I don't think women are wired that way, usually. Men generally just want something on the side, and women are more likely to want your life. I know I am generalizing, but I think this is largely true.

I know my H's affair had very little to do with the OBS, who he was friends with too. Actually, it had nothing to do with him. I don't feel the same about the OW. We were friends, and turns out I was in a competition that I didn't even know about. I never dreamed anyone could be so terrible - I was so, so naive.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:37 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

trustedg posted 5/12/2015 09:23 AM

there is an unspoken sisterhood that sleeping with your friend's husband violates. I don't think men have this as strongly, but women are the nurturers, and we are supposed to look out for our families, and each other. Affairs are a huge violation of all that is beautiful about being female.
I so agree with this. I think it is why I tried to deny that it happened, that a woman could do this to a friend.

I also think there was a sort of competition going on between me and OW but I didn't know it. Her H often complimented me on various things (cooking, etc, he was a nice guy) and he and I had interesting conversations about new scientific studies, politics, weather. OW didn't work, was not well read, had no outside interest. I never saw it then but now I wonder if that was part of it, she was jealous so decided to go after my H, all she had to offer was sex so she used it.

Lethealbegin posted 5/14/2015 14:31 PM

Oh yes I feel that when "friends" do this it is jealously!

They envy us, what we have, and etc... I believe that 100%

The have inside information about you. For example your character, what you stand for, what type of person you are, how other feel about you. I could go on and on. Since they know so much about your inner being, I really believe they want to be you. The funny thing is once they cross that line, they will never be able to achieve anything remotely like you. Lol crazy when you think about it!

See I know who I am! I love who I am! I care for others, I have integrity!

Edited this to add more!

[This message edited by Lethealbegin at 2:42 PM, May 14th (Thursday)]

foundoutlater posted 5/14/2015 16:28 PM

Also, and sorry to the men, but there is an unspoken sisterhood that sleeping with your friend's husband violates.

I think this is way off the mark. Even "men" with little honor have the "bros before hos" motto - it's not an unspoken thing. It's a well-known fact that – friends just don’t do this to each other. Whatever phrase you use - "bros before hos", "don't shit where you sleep" or any of the other common phrases you use it's the same. One thing I've learned here on SI - there is no specialness to the sisterhood or the brotherhood that puts one above the other. The bonds of friendship, like the bonds of the M are open to be fucked over by someone who is selfish. It sucks to learn that the friend did not belong there – they were not a friend at all.
In my case years of friendship and shared experience (OM) as well as a pretty hot romance and very promising future (future W and again when she was my W) had no relevance to them – me, my history and my well-being took second fiddle to their selfishness and sense of entitlement. Neither had any respect for me. I’ve come to learn how messed up my wife’s thinking and emotional health were because she has been here to work through this crap with me. The friend will not have that opportunity and that is his loss. But I’m sure neither had any respect for themselves.

bionicgal posted 5/17/2015 15:01 PM

I think this is way off the mark. Even "men" with little honor have the "bros before hos" motto

Hmm. We were friends with the AP and OBS, and my H did not have that kind of relationship with the OBS. (Obviously!) I think different folks have different kinds of friendships. No doubt OBS felt betrayed terribly by my husband, but it is different in our case.

humboldtmom posted 5/23/2015 16:07 PM

Hi, haven't been to this site in a long time. I am currently divorcing H, who previously betrayed me with my sister, also he attempted to seduce my other sister. They have since both killed themselves. Ugly past, double betrayal complicates the already sucky world of infidelity. So, hello, fellow sufferers/survivors.

nothingleft123 posted 6/1/2015 15:43 PM

I haven't been on here in over a year with my first post being the day after I found out that my husband had been involved in a year and a half (plus?) relationship with a man whose family and mine were best friends. Since that day, the other man's wife (my best friend) and I have kept our mouths shut, literally telling no one else, and have practically moved on as if nothing happened. My husband and I are together and the other man and his wife are still together and have even had another baby since (their 5th)....excuse my language, but what the fuck is wrong with me!? The silence and lack of action is taking it's tole on me. I'm so painfully lost in my own thoughts...our families are still friends...my husband and this man still talk and see each other (not romantically, or so I'm told). I feel like an idiot! A stuck idiot. If I ever try to bring it all up, I'm practically berated and told how "happy" I've been acting so it isn't fair to bring it up again...I just don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm hanging on for our kids (7,4,18 months) who I stay home with full time and home school and I'm afraid to give those things up which I know I would have to in able to support myself and our kids if I left. I feel so alone in this and just don't know what to do. My friend doesn't ever want to talk about it either, even though she's the closest person I have to knowing what I'm going through and the only person aside from my husband and the other man who knows...she just wants to move forward and I don't want to hinder that, but I just need someone who knows what I'm going through to tell me that it'll be okay...

Ginny posted 6/3/2015 13:45 PM

I am so sorry! You have a lot to bear right now. It sounds like there is a whole lot of rugsweeping going on.

I think you should probably start taking care of YOU, too:

1. Career: Is there a way to obtain skills or brush up on old ones while still staying at home so if something happens and you decide to move out you will have a way to support yourself? Maybe you could take an online class or get certified or licensed in a field you enjoy?

2. Network: I would find outlets that help you network with others so if the time came you were looking for a job, you would have a pool of people to give you tips and encouragement. Volunteering, civic organizations, churches, moms groups, etc may be good places to start. You will meet other friends and people to talk to.

3. Mental: Independent couseling for you seems like a MUST!

4. Physical: Definitely see a Doctor about std testing. It would seem hard to believe this were his first and only time to cheat whether it be with a man or woman. The Doctor can also help if you need ADs or anything else. My health tanked after the affair from all the stress on my body. Exercise, eat well and drink lots of fluids. Walk at least 10,000 steps each day.

5. Financial: Have you seen a lawyer to find out what your options are? You dont have to file for divorce, but it may be smart to have a free consult with a lawyer just to find out the "what ifs". Save some money each week for you to have access to should you need it in the future.

Best of luck to you, friend. You can do this, but please dont rug sweep. Things that are swept under the rug tend to come up again later. Trust me, this I know!!

Nexttome posted 6/3/2015 14:52 PM

I agree. The double betrayal hurts SO bad.

Sometimes I catch myself missing the OW who was my friend. She was a go-to for talking about problems (lol- I know she took advantage of that). It feels really pathetic when I remember that she didn't really care about me.

I was going through post pardom depression and I really needed that friend and my husband and they were too busy with each other.

(((((hugs)))) to anyone who can relate to a double betrayal.

jackie89 posted 6/3/2015 14:56 PM

NothingLeft

I'm so sorry you are here. You'll find great help in this site. Also post in Just found out forum.

Your situation is really hard, but in this case especially In my opinion it is NOT something you can sweep under the rug. If your husband has been having an affair with another man for over a year - then at the very least he has strong gay tendencies.

Is that something you can live with for the rest of your life? And I hate to tell you this, if he's still in contact with him, then most probably the affair has continued. You need to at least right now - demand that he goes NO CONTACT with OM immediately.

Do you want to live an authentic life? Living with this secret, not being able to talk about it even with your WH, is a horrible, horrible way to live, and it will do tons of damage to your soul, to your health.

Go talk to a lawyer, know your facts, know your rights. You have 3 children, you will get Child support - if you decide to divorce. You do not have to live this life - if that's not what YOU want.

Take your power back.

You are young. You are strong. This is not your fault. This is not your shame to carry. Please, please talk with people in real life. Go to Counseling. We are here for you too.

((( HUGS))))

UnwiseOne posted 6/7/2015 00:26 AM

I was really missing my XBFF too, but she did me a favor. A month or so ago, she contacted my husband. She called him (from a pay phone I found out later, as she knew her phone number was blocked fromWH's phone). WH did the right thing!! He texted me right after the phone call. She said stupid shit like she wanted to make sure WH and I were going to be ok.

I unblocked her number on my phone and texted her:

Why did you call WH? That is not remotely ok. I don't care that you never got to say goodbye. You forfeited the right to have any contact with him.

Really. You can call and talk to WH, but you can't call and talk to me?

What would your husband say if he knew? I'm trying to decide if I'm going to call him.

The rest of the text conversation was filled with lame excuses and things such as:

In my dreams your eyes were sparkling with or without your husband. It was you, who was at peace and the world was your adventure.

Is it ok with you if I heal and succeed at something? I don't know if there's anything I will succeed at but I know I won't even try if you need me to fail.


Anyway, her texts were bizarre. She is not the same person I remember.

She did me a favor. I will no longer miss her. She betrayed me a second time by contacting WH. Bye XBFF.

Nexttome posted 6/24/2015 14:46 PM

- knowingly allowed HER to backstab ME, every single time we were together or they were together. HE ALLOWED this being done to you!

I totally agree with that satement. I am so angry with him sometimes. He knows how much friendship means to me and how precious staying married is after watching my mother struggle as a widow and her kids enduring abuse from one of her boyfriends.

I caught WH and OW/BF kissing a the beginning of their "relationship" and they had passed it off as some drunken fluke- he even cried and said how sorry he was, even after they resumed the relationship. They literally fooled around behind my back- it is so sick what they did to me. And I hate that I didn't stop them.

I am dealing with very deep depression and I would love to hear something positive to get me through this. My counseler says things like "he picked you didn't he, the past is in the past, you need to decide to move forward..." and none of it is very helpful.

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