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Double Betrayal

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Furious1 posted 1/19/2015 08:23 AM

I understand about no longer having close female friends. I have major trust issues as a result of all this mess. My best friend from high school lives right across the street from me, yet we don't hang out or even talk regularly. It's common knowledge that she is messing around on her husband just as he messes around on her. When she first moved in, she had asked me what my WH was like in bed. The fact that she was even curious about that was a huge red flag for me. WH has since admitted that she let him know that she was interested in fooling around with him. As a result, I am always on my guard with her.

Lethealbegin posted 1/19/2015 15:51 PM

Oh my goodness my prayers are with you! How sick of them! You know I understand that you may not want to hurt your children. Although they are not healthy people for your kids. And you for that matter. You should speak with a therapist about how to handle getting you kids away from them. If these people your mom and sister were really getting help they would excuse themselves from family functions. They did this to themselves. You are in my prayers!! I am so sorry about what has happened. I am also happy you have not taken you life. Just think if you did you would mess your kids up but also leave your kids where these horrible people can do more damage on them! I am so sorry!! Girl you are a stron women and should be proud!! I am proud of you!!!

Tootsieone posted 1/22/2015 05:49 AM

I am in the same situation as many on this thread. My WH had an affair with my Cousin's Mum who was also one of my friends.

BACK GROUND INFO
My H and I have a holiday home, my Cousin his partner and his Mum also have 1 in same location. We spend many happy times together, parties, BBQ etc so we all decided to go on holiday last April, big mistake. Innitally I didn't think anything of it but them seemed to be chatting more but we were all friends. Then in May he started acting strange, phone never out of his hand, going for walks on his own, etc. I started getting suspicious and started keeping a closer eye on him, thought he was having and affair but did not suspect her. Things continued to be strange so in June I set up a recorder at home and taped a phone call between them, heart breaking. I confronted both of them but they denied anything physical which I know if a load of crap. But said they would not continue. Then in August we went on holiday (just the 2 of us) and I followed him 1 day to a phone box were he called her. I told him that was it I was leaving as soon as we got home, this really shocked him and he begged forgiveness. So we are working at R I do believe there is NC now but I still am deeply hurt by this double betrayal. I still have unanswered questions, and it is getting close to the holiday home season and I know we will see her. Sorry for the long post but could do with some advise on how to address things.

wolf_heart posted 1/23/2015 10:45 AM

You will notice that these predators will usually drop subtle hints and clues of what they're about to do. You just have to be paying attention.

This is so true and they are predators.
I actually had one friend tell me once that she could have my WH any time she wanted, but she wouldn't since we were friends and she had been cheated on. Well, she wasn't the OW, but she and I stopped being friends.

You know truthfully I never told the details of our sex lives with anyone. It was more of our lives together details. If asked about the sex I just gave a blanket statement that it was very good and we are a perfect fit. That seemed harmless. Not anymore. If someone asks I will be asking why do they want to know and that just that question is a friendship breaker for me now. No intimate details even of just the fun stuff we do. They get the public knowledge version of our lives if I can open up like that again.

Tootsieone- Welcome to the club. Wish you didn't have to be a member.

Here is one of my fears. My WH had the first A when I was on strict bedrest with our second son's pregnancy. He sent me to his parents because the stress of me and our toddler was too much. Plus, he couldn't care for our toddler and I was on bedrest. So, in a sense I was sick and he had an A.

The second A happened when I was on the wrong medications and they were making me depressed and made my illness worse. So, again, sick and he had an A.

I am waiting right now to find out if I have cancer or not. I am facing either a very complicated surgery that will remove one of my ribs or radiation therapy. Not to mention what else they decide to do. So, again I am sick in a sense.

I am terrified. He keeps telling me he will stick around. He is attentive and takes off work to go to my appointments. Which with his job is very difficult. He is being the nicest he has ever been to me other than our first year of marriage when we had a still birth. However, I can't shake this deep rooted fear that frankly has me more worried than anything the doctors have told me in the past 3 months. I don't know how to shake it other than him proving over time that it is not true.

Meanwhile, I don't have a lot of friends to call and talk things out. I don't trust one of them to not try to take advantage of the situation.

I am really hating life right now.


trustedg posted 1/24/2015 15:52 PM

You will notice that these predators will usually drop subtle hints and clues of what they're about to do. You just have to be paying attention.
It is amazing how many do seem to follow the same pattern. OW Predator in my case. a "friend", gave some hints and clues before, and after (that is how I found out.)

Freebygrace posted 2/4/2015 22:51 PM

On the topic of predators dropping clues and hints:

I didn't notice until Dday, but the OW ( my friend) kept asking me questions about sex with my husband. I am generally just an open book, so I'm just chattering away about how great he is in bed.

I even told her about an ex girl friend that he had who smelled like fish down there, and this fact made the OW go and douche before sex every time.

And the OW's mouth is how I figured it out also. She invited my husband to come over with all our kids to play games in her garage while I was in the hospital recovering from having a baby ( Like wolf heart, my WH cheated while I was basically sick and needing him). Then she said to me the next day, " I just want to find a boyfriend that I can play games with and have fun". My 8 yo had told me that they went over there to play games, which I found odd. And I thought "WAIT, my HUSBAND is the one you are playing games with!" But I waited until the kids were in bed that night and then I asked him. Stupidly, I thought maybe they had kissed at the most. I never would've guessed they had been having sex for most of my pregnancy.

Why didn't I divorce him that very day?

tobeanant posted 2/13/2015 13:05 PM

I just feel so friggin messed up about this. My WBF cheated with an ex from years ago, who was a family friend and recently married. This woman pretended to be my friend, hung out with me, invited me to her house for a party... My BF had dumped her for me years ago, and part of me thinks this was her revenge? Or something? But she has an awesome husband. My WBF and I were together over 10 years.

During their affair he even took her along to buy me presents on repeated occasions. I just can't even imagine that. Like, what in the world?

After another one of their "meetings", she came back to our apartment and I fed them both food, she was really friendly and chatty, knowing that she had just effed around with him. I know I wouldn't be able to show my face to anyone if I had done that.

For some reason my WBF still seems to think she's a good person. One clue he dropped on me about his involvement her is that she was "always being so nice" to our dog. I found out about their affair via recording them one day in our living room, heard them before, during and after. One thing that stuck out to me was that at one point my WBF left the room and she yelled at my dog- not so NICE after all. It just seemed like she was putting up this act to get him to like her more.

I just don't understand people at all. I always had a weird "I think she might hate me for no reason" vibe from her, but I ignored it, thinking I was just being insecure. I can say I will never, ever ignore my intuition again.

Lethealbegin posted 2/16/2015 15:47 PM

Sorry you are here. Did this just happen or years ago. That makes a big difference in what I would say back to youR post. One thing I can tell you is that if he is saying that he is in la la land! The fog is way to heavy in his parts of the world.

5454real posted 2/18/2015 20:04 PM

Bump

tobeanant posted 2/19/2015 23:50 PM

Lethealbegin, not sure if your question was directed to me- but either way this was all very recent, about two/three weeks ago.

Lethealbegin posted 2/20/2015 19:26 PM

Yes Tobeanant the question was for you. Sorry I did not make that clear. :) He is in what we call "the fog" I am sure you are learning more about this horrible thing that is called infidelity!! I am so sorry this has happened. Have you looked in the healing library?

girlpower posted 2/21/2015 20:52 PM

I am curious how many in double betrayal actually make it to R?

I am so stuck in the hearing her name, seeing her around town etc that It just makes me sick. Especially when I know how they were BOTH playing me, mind F-ing me, screwing with my mental state for so long.

Can anyone really ever get over double betrayal?

Lethealbegin posted 2/22/2015 06:15 AM

Girl power! You can get over it! She is nothing more then a peice of garbage! I totally understand how you are feeling and why. Although she does not deserve the space in your
Head. By having her in your head you are letting her
Still "play you" Again she is scum, cum dumpster and etc..
Bottom feeder. She does not deserve head space on your
Pretty head! Do you go to therpy? Sorry you are here
You will make it out of this.

girlpower posted 2/22/2015 20:30 PM

The daily grind of life brings the OW in front of me, involved with children etc. Its tough.

I wonder - why am I even trying? I can't escape this - every which way I turn I am still just so enraged that my personal life, my children's life, my professional life, my friends - everything has been affected. Can it ever truly get better?

livinganew posted 2/22/2015 21:40 PM

I am so stuck in the hearing her name, seeing her around town etc that It just makes me sick. Especially when I know how they were BOTH playing me, mind F-ing me, screwing with my mental state for so long.

Can anyone really ever get over double betrayal?

girlpower, I hear you. You are in shock and trauma right now, and know that you WILL make it.

I felt much of what you described above--to the point of sickening nausea with how I felt treated by two of the people with whom I was closest in my life (at the time). I was in shock for 8 months; my weight fell below my high school weight and there was nothing I could do about it.

Around 8 months post D-Day, I felt my body start to relax, and knew I was going to start putting the weight back on. Slowly, I did.

I then spent the balance of two years from D-Day, trying to understand what the hell happened. Only now have I started to regain my enthusiasm for life and challenges.

The bottom line is that, for whatever failing I may have had as a spouse, their mutual decision to do what they did says everything about them--and NOT me. The truth is, they weren't thinking about me, AT ALL.

At some point, I decided that I no longer was going to live my life out of others peoples' judgments... That I am a complete person who no longer values THEIR behavior and selfishness, over my integrity and honor. You will get to that point.

I'm not saying any of this to belittle or diminish your pain. On the contrary, I get it. My XWW's and friend's 5-year double betrayal was the most shattering experience I've ever had, and not by a little bit. It was 50 times worse than the death of my mother.

It'd have been infinitely better if my XWW had just died--there is no deceit in death.

Now, two years out, I'm actually grateful for my ordeal; grateful for the gifts it has given me: my more meaningful, compassionate, and loving life.

I'm alone, but not lonely. I have a deep, strong peacefulness in me, integrity, honor, a much deeper relationship with God (which grew tremendously via this ordeal), and like who I am.

My perspective on what happened has completely flipped. Instead of feeling that it was grotesquely unfair that my XWW could simply leave me in a shattered heap to go be with my "friend," I now believe (and this may sound weird) I am the lucky one.

I'm the one who got stronger, more compassionate, loving, and focused on what I want out of life and my mission in it. I have a deep happiness with myself, and am increasingly grateful for ALL of my life that has lead to where I am right now; penning this post.

And them? They get to live with their evil, selfish choices for the rest of their lives, that blew up two families.

I wouldn't trade my choices and life for theirs, for anything in the world.

You are the one who behaved rightly; you are the honorable one; and you are the one who in the long-term will be enormously happy with, and grateful for, your life--exactly as it is. Believe it.

Blessings, LA

livinganew posted 2/23/2015 00:00 AM

girlpower, your WH is still in the picture, right? (And from what I've read of your posts, he's less than 1000% devoted to your healing...)

I tried to "nice" my XWW back after D-Day (a pitiful failure, of course), but did insist that she couldn't simultaneously work for AP and stay with me. So, she quit her job and waffled with me for four months, then decided to go back to him. She moved out six months after D-Day and filed for divorce.

That closure was a big help in my healing. While my trauma continued, I at least had some clarity as to what was going down.

Closure and clarity provide energy. Healing is immensely more difficult without them, IMO. Maintaining NC with my XWW and AP added yet more clarity and closure.

So, that's a question I have for you... Would clarity/closure help, and if so, what would that look like for you?

Blessings, LA

jackie89 posted 2/23/2015 07:13 AM

Girlpower - I don't know how you do it, seeing the OW around town, staying with your husband - who shows no remorse and does not "get it".

I know it's early still for you, and trust me, I felt that I was the one "in the fog" for so long, trying to save the family, trying to make sense of it all, in such anger at the OW (friend), in denial that this Jerry Springer life - was really happening to me, you know?

For me - my healing started, when he finally left for his own place, and then when a year later when I sold the marital home, only then did I really start to feel like my old self again, like a weight had been lifted off of my heart. Him, the house - were triggers for me, and it constantly reminded me of their betrayal.

Girlpower, it's impossible to R with someone that "doesn't get it" doesn't understand your pain - "why aren't you over it, why are you still talking about this, I'm no longer with her, she's not a bad person", blah blah blah -
You can't R with this type of person- trust me - I tried, many many times - to save my family, and because I still loved this man so much, but I finally, finally got it - I had to love ME now - and I knew that staying with him, I wasn't loving ME.

My STBXH is very regretful, but he is not remorseful, doesn't "get" my pain, and he certainly does not love me ENOUGH - to make changes in himself - in order to save our family.

What steps are you going to take to LOVE yourself?


girlpower posted 2/23/2015 10:40 AM

Those are some of the most beautiful posts I've read yet and really have me thinking . . . thank you so very much.

CH

Lethealbegin posted 2/23/2015 17:03 PM

Girl power I can tell you this. My healing did not start until my WH stopped being and ass. Until he started working on him. Until he really faced what he did. It was not an easy road. Also about your xfreind I totally understand how hard it is. My friends would bump into her and would tell me every time. Once I realized how everyone hated her and were disgusted by her presence. Did I become free. Let's face it she is not a happy person. She may want you to believe she is but really she is misrible. She really is! She is a disgusting person that no one wants to deal with! She is gutter trash and always will be. You girl power can hold your head up high! Nothing you did made them to do this. They did it all themselves and do not let anyone tell you otherwise! When I go around town I have a smile so wide and my head held up high. She may of wanted my life but ha ha she will never ever have it! You know why because I have intigaty She will never have that!! Ha ha ha the OW is pitiful excuse for a human! Gutter scum, trash and a cumdumpster!! You have class and are proud of who you are. She will never have that!! Take that to the bank girl power! As for you WH he needs to get out of the fog!! Hugs girl

girlpower posted 2/23/2015 23:04 PM

Thank you - I really needed to hear all these words. Thank you!

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