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Double Betrayal

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Gemini71 posted 10/20/2014 00:22 AM

It's been about a year of complete NC with my xBFF of 30+ years. We were closer than sisters. I Put her away to deal with later.

I've dealt with Dipshit STBXH. He is unrepentant SA and we are divorcing. While I'm still recovering, I am DONE trying to be anything other than polite strangers with him.

Now my question is, how do I deal with xBFF? I've known her longer than Dipshit STBXH. She was an important part of my life. How do I deal with that betrayal? I don't think I can just ignore it. I haven't made any new friends since D-Day, and I don't want to. I don't trust anyone beyond my small circle of supporters.

I've taken care of the knife wound to the heart from Dipshit STBXH. Now what do I do about the knife sticking out of my back from xBFF?

BrokenheartedWif posted 10/20/2014 09:13 AM


Double Betrayal hurts a lot. My SAWH had at least a 16 yr LTA with a supposed friend that I've known for over 30 years. He can't remember what year it started, and she lies through her teeth. She still blames her BS and Me for them f**king. She is one twisted attention whore, who if what my husband said about their first encounter, is also a SA.

If you haven't found it already, I highly recommend SANON. http://www.sanon.org/ I've put the link in this, hopefully that isn't a violation for this web site. I'm seeing people that experience joy again, who have been through some of what I have, and understand the myriad of emotions. They are safe for me.

girlpower posted 10/20/2014 09:26 AM

tlhyde - that was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you. At first they admitted to 2-3 months, but since was told by OW that it was 1.5 years. DH is like - well you know I had an A, why does the length of it matter?

Thank you - I am printing that one out and putting it on my desk.

tlhyde posted 10/20/2014 16:43 PM

well this is what happened today!!

My son was confronted today by OW daughter on the bus as to why we all don't hang out anymore. Last year they were kind of an item....as much as 14 and 15 years olds can be...everyone thought they would get married one day... :(

My son said....it's because your mother slept with my dad (They are 14 and 15 btw) and my mom walked in on them when she came home from work early. She called my son a liar and he said, "why would my mom lie about this and besides my dad confessed it to me" She was going home to confront her mother and her step dad because she could not believe her mom would do that to me because apparently her mom "loved me" and was her "BF"

I am just so sad that my son has to be involved with this...but he is fifteen and figured stuff out quick. This makes me so mad. She most likely will lie and tell her its not true or something.

Its just so devastating that kids are the collateral damage of this crap. My WH is moose hunting with the guys (lucky him to get away from all this for awhile)...yet I am here dealing with my son's issues with telling the girl he really cared about nasty things about her mother.....I just want him to see the damage this has caused by being a monster/cheater/liar

UnwiseOne posted 10/20/2014 17:27 PM

Ugh. The pain keeps going and going. "it's the gift that keeps on giving!"

A couple of days ago my 19 year old daughter went to our neighbor's house to talk to her about house sitting. xBFF was the one to introduce my daughter to this woman. My daughter said that the lady asked her about how she was doing regarding what had happened between xBFF and her dad. Sigh.

I hope she doesn't try to turn my daughter against her dad. Sadness. It really isn't this other lady's place to say anything.

bionicgal posted 10/21/2014 19:10 PM

Gemini - Are you in counseling? I'd get help for that kind of betrayal. My H's AP was a social friend for only 5 years, and it still hurts like gangbusters. We weren't confidants really, though.

Gemini71 posted 10/21/2014 22:27 PM

Yep, I'm in counseling. Just brought it up with my IC today. I think it's just a matter of grieving the old friendship like I did the marriage. Maybe I'll be aquaintances with her again (a lot of common friends and our families were close), but that's it. Just like STBXH, my xBFF "died" and I'm let dealing with their creepy twin.

Lalagirl posted 10/22/2014 07:11 AM

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

I like this method of thinking, tlhyde. It is xOW to a friggin tee. She never liked me, only used me to get to FWH. And part of my initial anger was toward myself, because I trusted her and felt like a fool - I ignored my gut.

What you stated above (as my IC said something very similar to what yours did, but added something to the effect that xOW is a train wreck )is so true. She was a very insecure person, lots of FOO issues, an alcoholic, etc., etc., and I was grounded and a good person and did not need "saving" from a KISA.

Hugs to all of you who are dealing with the "special kind of hell" of a double betrayal on top of infidelity.


trustedg posted 10/22/2014 08:11 AM

Yep, double betrayal, the gift that keeps on giving....

I decided shortly after DDay that the OW, a "friend", could not have really been a friend. A friend does not purposely hurt a friend like that. She made a conscious decision to hurt me.

And further, I don't think any good woman would never sleep with another woman's husband, it is a sort of code between women.

I still struggle with the entire situation including the double betrayal.

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

Yep, that about sums it up

girlpower posted 10/22/2014 11:04 AM

My number one fear is the children talking at school - they are young, they don't deserve this and those types of images (mom hurt daddy or daddy hurt mommy) can stay with them very long time.

I'm so sorry that it keeps coming up - Life is a crazy thing and I know we can't protect them from everything bad. I hate that it is splashing up on the children. Its awful for them - I guess counseling even for them is the best option if they start to grasp whats going on.

wolf_heart posted 10/22/2014 19:50 PM

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

Amen. Neither were the so called friend who knew about the A. She seemed more upset that WH didn't have one with her. After all they had an EA going on in a sense. They even talked about a PA and decided not to. This from a friend of over 30 years.

What I hate is the way people almost condone A's and think it is okay. There is no reason ever for anyone to ever have an A. No form of treatment, lack of sex, lack of affection ever makes it okay. So, why the heck do people think it is okay and will actually cover up for WS? They are not people I want to know or have in my life. Ever.

tlhyde posted 10/23/2014 10:46 AM

Speaking of the witch....(the enemy). apparently her response to being asked about the affair is that She was not the only one having an affair, implying I was too. This is a lie and an attempt to take the heat off of her. Does her deception have no boundaries?

There is a billboard outside of town in every direction with her pic on it. "Century21Bitch, for all your buying and selling needs" Has not sold a house since everyone found out....there is some consolation I guess.

I want to deface it so badly. Everyone would know it was me though.


girlpower posted 10/23/2014 11:36 AM

I have found that people like that love nothing more than a reaction - the best revenge is no reaction and not saying a word. F em

tlhyde posted 10/23/2014 15:53 PM

OMG girl power....I think you just paid me back for my earlier comments to you. I had stopped on the side of the road to type a text to her asking why and what did she think she was going to get out of it. I did not send it....it's still sitting here and I debated and thought I'd wait until kids went to bed to send it so they would not see me crying when she sent a message back.....

I am so glad you reminded me NOT to contact her...it was so close.......I AM GOING TO DELETE IT....NOW

beyondbelief13 posted 10/23/2014 19:48 PM

OMG, So glad I read this tonight!

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

I just found out my Professed 'friend and prayer buddy' has been trash talking me at her church... OUCH

girlpower posted 10/23/2014 21:21 PM

way to go thyde

That made my day - I was always the one to get the last word, etc. During this ordeal - the "no reaction" has been the ultimate defense and the particular thing that makes everyone go nuts.

Save any reaction for the things that are vital and important.

Good luck :)

UnwiseOne posted 10/24/2014 10:37 AM


I feel like you may understand my level of confusion and hurt regarding my xBFF. Not only was she my best friend for over 20 years, but she was the one who prayed with me when I gave my life to Jesus. She has always been my wise, godly friend. How could she choose this path, turning away from her husband of 20 something years, and betraying me, my children... He is my husband. WTF?

Why didn't she stop this over a year ago when my husband started changing the tone of their text conversations? She could have told me my husband asked her what her favorite sexual position was. (supposedly, this was the first text that really crossed the line). She supposedly did not answer, but ignored the question. That would have been the time to tell me! Ugh!!!!

CluelessWonder posted 11/6/2014 19:51 PM

I've been posting for about a week now and just found this forum/post.

We were practically best friends for 25 years, since high school. Of that circle of friends, he would do anything, he was unbelievably loyal. Only once did we ever see him mad at us. It's ironic to think about it now because it was because me and another friend gave him the cold shoulder at lunch because he BETRAYED a dumb school secret that made us look foolish. He told his freshman girlfriend about this stupid club we had.

Fast forward 25 years. We actually ended up being next door neighbors. My exGF and I were always having issues in our relationship and she'd complain about me to almost anyone that would listen. But this summer she started complaining to him. And the fucking piece of worm shit scumbag commiserates by complaining about his fucking wife. "Oh we have so much in common! Fuck me now!" He doesn't tell me shit.

I looked at early texts and it's quite clear he was fishing. She told me she kinda caught the vibe but didn't responf in kind because she thought it couldn't be true. Gee thanks slut, so you were into him but didn't chase because you thought you'd get rejected? Assholes.

So she dumps me because she wants to try this. Seriously, I give her credit for that much consideration. The fucking guy sneaks into my back door one night while my baby sleeps in her crib and fucks my X with no condom. She left the fucking dirty sheet by the washer. So thoughtful!! Stupid bitch. His family and 2 kids slept blissfully unaware about 20 feet away. Slut says they had intended to wait 3 months before sex. They made it about 3 days. That's when the dumbass thought his divorce would final. I never realized how dumb he was.

I can forgive her affair. If it had been a dude from her job that I didn't know, this would be more tolerable. But him?? I'm trying not to waste the energy on hatred. I like what was posted above: he is an enemy. I hope he suffers until his dying breath and that I outlive him. I will not visit his grave even to spit on it!

I'd still take her back but that feeling is finally starting to wane. I think he is 10x worse for what he did. A guy doesn't do that to his friend. And I don't like that bro code, man card bullshit. You just don't do that.

They continue today on until whenever it implodes. I give it until January. He calls her his girlfriend. He thinks I want to be his friend again someday. This is even after his face took a beating. I can't believe him. I think he's insane. I believe in the affair fog but he must have a brain tumor. I hope he doesn't because that would kill him too quickly. I want him to suffer horribly until he's 100.

This is beyond unimaginable. Fortunately, among us, his former closest friends, he stands alone as a complete failure. He peaked 15 years ago. He is the worst human being I have ever personally had the displeasure of knowing. He doesn't give a shit about his poor children who stand to suffer immensely once they tell them about the pending divorce.

They are "in love". No, they are addicted to the most ridiculous fantasy. At least she told me everything pretty much right when I confronted her. Now, of course the coldness with which she told me speaks volumes. But the asshole denied it for a week. He never even had the courage to approach me with his story. Not until my xWGF made him. Chicken shit asshole. I have never gotten an apology. No explanation. I have only heard from his own BS that he blames us!!

If I could ensure his eternal suffering, I would. But I can't and I'm not going to waste more time on him. If he goes back to his W and she actually takes him in, he will live forever with his tail between his legs. And if he goes through with the divorce, I know he'll have no lasting relationship with my Ex and he will see less than half the money he earns for the next 15 years while living with his parents. A doormat mother and a cheating father. Fucking losers.

[This message edited by CluelessWonder at 8:01 PM, November 6th (Thursday)]

Lethealbegin posted 11/15/2014 08:34 AM

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I totally get how you feel. It hurts to think your friend would do this to you. Yes your friend should of had your back. Do not let him meaning your anger stop you from living your life. I know that is hard to do. Remember you are a better then him! You will get through this. It is a shame that some people have no integrity and will try to blame others for it! How stupid is that. Crazy crazy not normal thinking. They are the ones that are sick in the f'ing head. I hope this helps you!

UnwiseOne posted 11/16/2014 20:25 PM

The thing that has helped me "a lot" is being distracted the fact that my husband has had 4 other other affairs. Before I could only think about my husband and best friend because I thought that was it. It wasn't.

Now I am at a loss.

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