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Double Betrayal

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UnwiseOne posted 9/21/2014 20:23 PM

There were so many warning signs that I ignored. Because my brain couldn't even comprehend that this was a possibility on this planet for my best friend and my husband to have an affair, I ignored the warning signs.

I have learned I need to trust my gut. The impossible is actually possible. :(

I still miss my friend. We had no contact for about five days now.

Wiserallthetime posted 9/25/2014 22:48 PM

I definitely belong in this group, sad to say. (And probably long term A's, though I'll never know how long it has gone on.....and maybe NPD, as STBXWH seems to exhibit the signs....)

My STBXWH's AP was once thought to be my best friend of many years. We did so much together - church, dinners/lunches, holidays, vacations - we were practically "aunts" to each other's children. I have little to no understanding about my STBXWH having an affair and why; I have the same or less understanding of why one female would do this to another, and even less when the two are supposedly BFFs.... I mean, I would NEVER even think about doing such a thing - to ANY female! It simply wouldn't matter to me how much money the guy had (what I honestly think FBFFMOW is after here) or what he looked like or whatever... Fact is, any guy that is married but would still be interested in and pursue me in that way would make my stomach turn!!

She made it easy, though, to cut off things with her. Before I actually truly knew there was an affair, she was creating fights with me over "nothing" stuff. I took it in stride at first, without any true understanding of the background issue, but the fights tore apart and ended the friendship before I had the truth of her relationship with my STBXWH. I truly think she was ready to expose their relationship and STBXWH was not and she pushed the issue by her actions toward me. I think she was tired of hiding and wanted to begin their future together. (Yea, they seem to be planning one....) Unfortunately for her, both her divorce and our divorce is taking probably a lot longer than she thought to be final.

I comfort myself in remembering the things she won't ever have with STBXWH - she won't ever have being the first he ever asked to marry him; she won't ever have being the first bride he saw walk down the aisle to him; she won't ever be the first he said "I do" to; she won't ever have being the first to be introduced as "Mr and Mrs _________" with him; she won't ever have being there to celebrate his first promotion at work at his first job after college; she won't ever have being there for buying "our first car" or "our second car" or "our first house" or "our second house" or "our third house" and so on; she won't ever have being the one to give birth to his first three children; she isn't likely to ever have children with him at all; she won't ever have being there to help him through when his dad died; she won't ever have being there to start the company with little to nothing and growing it to the success it is now (though she may be the one to help destroy it at this rate); she won't ever be able to say she is the first to celebrate up to 23 years marriage with him (so far - divorce is taking so long it'll probably be at least 24 by the final); she won't ever be able to have been the first one to go to certain places with him, especially as husband and wife; she won't ever be able to escape nor lay claim to all the things my children with STBXWH will go through/accomplish as being "our child" doing it; and, last for me to list here, though there are many others, but absolutely not least, she won't ever be able to say he fell in love with her without him cheating on someone else in the process (well, not without lying anyway).

ukerzouker posted 9/26/2014 16:17 PM

Wiserallthetime: I'm so sorry you're going through this after 23 years.

Unwise/Bionicgal - I have also thought back over our friendship and realized how much of her flaws I glossed over. I met her because my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me with her, and we bonded over what an asshole he was. Another mutual friend's husband developed a serious crush on her, and I realize now she can't have been as blameless as she claims. Our circle of female friends was in an uproar a few years ago because of the way she flirted with their men.

I ignored all of it, deciding that she must be misunderstood. I see now that she is, to use a popular phrase in my social group, an attention whore. She doesn't care whether the attention she gets is meaningful or even appropriate.

veronique12 posted 9/27/2014 15:35 PM

Isn't it striking how often the BS glosses over blatant red flags re the AP in a double betrayal situation? I was just thinking about that this morning, how OW's behavior was so outrageously obvious, even to the point that I had said how screwed up she seemed to my H the first time I met her, but instead I just took a live and let live attitude with her. Was I truly being tolerant or just lying to myself and too afraid to confront this person who was obviously a real jerk? I don't know.

I have always thought of myself as fairly tolerant of people's flaws, but I think that's because I have always put up a wall around me so that other people's flaws can't touch me. I let you in, but not too close, so whatever you want to do doesn't affect me, you know? I don't have many close friends and while that sometimes bothers me, I can completely see that it's by design. It really gets me that I could see OW was off, but I decided to hang out with her anyway and considered her a new friend. But my view of her wasn't positive, so what the heck was I doing hanging out with her? It's almost as if I was seduced by the idea of having a new friend to hang out with. I guess I can't blame myself too harshly, as I was manipulated by a liar, but it does make me wonder about my judgment.

littleflower posted 10/5/2014 02:56 AM

@veronique12
I've thinking along the same lines recently - that really I knew about all the OW's extra curricular activity
But as long as it didn't effect me I never really thought much about it
Only now when it's ripped my world apart do I realize how tolerant I was of behavior that I really don't agree with

littleflower posted 10/5/2014 04:07 AM

And then what vexes me
Is that only one other of my female friends was actually friends with her too
No one else could be bothered with her dramas

trustedg posted 10/6/2014 09:07 AM

Isn't it striking how often the BS glosses over blatant red flags re the AP in a double betrayal situation?

YES
I think we believe that two people we consider friends (WS and AP) would never do something so cruel.

I saw flags but went into denial, it just could not happen, neither would do something so horrible.

Once out of the denial stage, and looking back over things, I realize the OW was always skanky, flirty with married men (friends of her H), and never taking any responsibility for her actions. I knew she had cheated on both her Hs but she always put the blame on them, never remorseful. I can't believe I listened to her complain endlessly about her H while she was screwing my H.

Wiserallthetime posted 10/10/2014 00:17 AM

Anybody here besides me have next to nothing in the way of acknowledgment of the A from their WS? As we are divorcing, I'll never have the truth I seek of the when and how and why and so on.... How do you heal without it? How do you figure out what was really the truth about your life? I mean, I'll never even know for sure when they crossed the line from truly a friendship to too intimate..... It makes me question things like when we started going on vacations together (both families), was it because of the two families being friends? or was it because the two APs couldn't stand to be away from each other that long? When he didn't come home as early as expected, was he with her instead? When he left me at home with the children, did he go to her? or did he go where he said he was going, alone? So much I wish I knew....

Anyone with words of wisdom other than "one day you'll find you just don't need it"? I am sure that is the case, but right now, I'm stuck with preferring I had those answers.....and feeling I really need them. I can't ask her or her BH, as there is an RO between us; I'm not sure she would tell the truth anyway, since she doesn't seem to know what truth is. I can't ask WH as he would either lie to hurt me or lie to "protect" himself (no, not me - that's not ever been his concern....).

girlpower posted 10/14/2014 17:30 PM

I have a small business, home office. H has a full time job, in sales and stops by house on occasion. A few months ago - something just felt off as I saw some emails on my assistants phone (who had become my BFF). She was letting him know she had bcc'd him on some emails, was trying to listen in on phone conversations and tell him what I was talking about. Very odd. I started looking more carefully whenever she left her phone around and then started looking on his. Something was very fishy, but I wasn't really sure what or why she was needing to share this type of "inside" information with him.

I kept watching looking - I became the darn FBI. Then I found some inappropriate sexual texts. There it was. But i was so scared maybe I was wrong, misconstruing something? So I set up my computer and left it on while I was away - I could hear her phone conversations while I was out of the office. She was definitely being manipulative and telling my husband things like "she gets info out of people by saying how bad your guys marriage is". I was enraged. I left for work at 8:30 am and turned on my computer. I could see it from my I pad from afar. Driving down the road for about ten minutes, I turned it on to see if anyone was there - and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine they would strip right down and do "the act" right smack in my viewing area. I had to pull over and throw up.

Its been about 10 days since I confronted them - I am still in shock and numb. Can't believe how I can be betrayed this way and how they both try to convince me that it was "just sex" and its done - and everything is cool. Somehow her husband didn't find out - and I am not pushing the issue as I think too highly of him as an upstanding guy and frankly am afraid of the danger my family would be in.

I feel so betrayed by all of the inside girlfriend talk / secrets confidant information I shared with her - that she used against me . I shut down anything either of them could access. H was horrified I would think he might be stealing or trying to hurt my business. Its been the worse ten days of my life. It almost feels like I am hit from every angle possible - my closest friend, my husband, and my right hand person at work. I am beside myself. I am glad i found this thread. Its been very helpful to read.

girlpower posted 10/14/2014 17:33 PM

wiserallthetime - I don't know what to tell you, but seeing it completely first hand was so alarming / scarring/ mind numbing - I wish I had not.

I honestly don't know which is worse.

Wiserallthetime posted 10/14/2014 22:33 PM

Well, gang, the old saying of be careful what you wish for rings true once again.... It's still being verified, but it appears I may have some answers I was seeking I noted in my last post above. I'm still processing, and not totally accepting of this as truth yet, so I don't have a clue whether this is better or worse than not knowing. Actually, it may be opening up even more questions....sigh....

If this info proves true, then there are two important items of note:
One, STBXWH, who he is now, is who he always actually was, and who I thought I married was all a lie, a farce....That guy never existed, really.
Two, STBXWH has already has experienced for himself, done to him, some of what he has dished out to me.... Judging by the reaction he is said to have had, I doubt it has built any empathy in him, though. I doubt he has ever had any; it seems to me STBX is only and always all about STBX and no one else.

One other thing, if this info proves true, I definitely then belong to the LTA group, too - most definitely, unfortunately..... And I think of all those things I did for MOW/FBFF in that time...all those birthday and Christmas gifts, all that helping with her kids, with loved ones' funerals, and on and on and on.....all that stuff I confided in her she was likely "pillow talking" about with STBXWH the whole time, too.... How could I have been so blind?? Why did I not see it so much sooner?? Sigh....

Be careful what you wish for.....

UnwiseOne posted 10/15/2014 10:17 AM

((Wiserallthetime))

wolf_heart posted 10/17/2014 20:36 PM

(((Wiserallthetime)))

I also go over every camping trip, every time we got together as families and as couples in my mind. Every time I wanted to do something with just us, but WH insisted we include them.

What the major consequence is that I now am having a hard time wanting to have any friends or do anything with another couple. I have major trust issues.

What happened with me was they both were gaslighting me. She was also lying to my WH about contacting me. She was making me look like a lunatic. I have no idea why. I think the whole reason she and I became friends was so she could be closer to my WH. I wonder if you can count a deep attraction and flirting as an EA. I mean if so the A was longer then 4 months. The physical and "I love yous" only went on for 4 months. They were attracted to each other, friendly and flirted for years however.

This sucks when the people you trust most and love the most betray you so completely and utterly.

tlhyde posted 10/18/2014 15:08 PM

hey everyone...I am with you here....We were a group of 5 couples.....all of our friendships have been destroyed....no one trusts my WH and everyone hates the OW. They still want to be my friend but have continued to do things without us and this hurts me more. I am trying so hard to be positive and spend time with my family healing, but Facebook pics of them all having fun and carrying on without me hurt.

I saw her for the first time since I walked in on them yesterday driving in her van with her H. I gave her the finger...:( how mature eh....I was shaking so bad I could barely drive.

BS - 43 Me
WH - 39
OW - skanky ex BFF
married - 14 years
D-Day - March 19, 2014 (lasted 6 months) - walked in on them in by bedroom :(

wolf_heart posted 10/18/2014 15:30 PM

I gave her the finger..
*giggles* I did the same thing. I turned my back as I was doing it. I felt good and ashamed all at the same time. Maybe immature, but it was a release and not harmful.

I would avoid FB and seeing things that hurt you. I actually left FB and all my friends behind. I am making new friends, but honestly it is so hard to make friends and it is noticeable to them that I hold back. I can't help it. I have been traumatized by a close friend and that kind of trauma you don't easily heal from.

tlhyde posted 10/18/2014 19:37 PM

Thanks wolf heart....Ironically on my way home from a nearby town she drove by me again tonight.....she might think I am stalking her.....lol

I live in a town of 200 people and one is her.....our kids play hockey together and soon as hockey gears up I will have to deal with her and those people on a daily basis as I am a nurse here....not so easy to make new friends as everyone knows our business...

Its almost like I am waiting for Karma to do its thing before I can move on..

I too look at everytime she was here at my house and question my husband constantly over silly little things that don't even matter...they slept together I know this...why do I torture myself with wanting the details..just to punish both of us...and she gets off scott free...apparently laughing and carrying on in public....while I avoid public functions....It seems I am the only one still suffering

I almost want to know those details because then I can measure what he did and said to her against our 14 years together so I can reason why he's still here....even though if he wanted to be with her he would be right instead of dealing with me and the hurt he caused. Right???

He is doing and saying all the right things....why am I not feeling it? I want to but I think I am beginning to like being the victim....which is totally stupid and wrong on so many levels....I am still mourning the man I thought he was...I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN......and not think about this every two minutes..

BS - 43 Me
WH - 39
OW - skanky ex BFF
married - 14 years
D-Day - March 19, 2014 (lasted 6 months) - walked in on them in by bedroom :(
R - trying hard...

wolf_heart posted 10/19/2014 01:44 AM

Of course you don't like being the victim. I know I sure don't. The deal is you trusted. Not only your WH, but a close friend. One you talked to about your WH. You told her things that she probably used against you. I am sure my WH's OW did. After all we had talks about lots of stuff over the 6 years of our supposed friendship.

I know how it is to feel like you are the only one suffering. I know I feel that way. I get told that the only time my WH thinks of OW is when I bring it up. So, I suppose I am not supposed to bring it up because it bothers him. I actually try not to because I can see his pain. Go figure. He causes this horror show and I am more concerned about his pain then mine. WHen the hell is someone going to be more worried about me and not him? I am sick and tired of catering to his moods. I need to break my people pleasing behavior. It is time for him to step up and be more concerned about me and my needs instead of his own.

Sorry, tangent there.

Anyway, you suffer more because you were the one betrayed. I think it is easier for them because all they have is regret and shame to deal with. We have to deal with our entire world being ripped away from us for something we did not do. Too bad you have to deal with her. We have stopped going to a group activity that was a major part of our lives due to this. It has changed who we all are, including my kids.

Good luck not ripping her head off when you see her at hockey practice. I can imagine the lovely fantasies involving her and hockey pucks you might have thought. How well can they imbed a skull I wonder? Yes, I have wicked thoughts. Good thing I never act on them.

bionicgal posted 10/19/2014 08:40 AM

tlyhyde,
I also shake when I see the AP. . . even when I think I am/will be fine. There is some pent up rage, there!

She works at a gym I go to, so I see her in passing every few weeks or so. We haven't gone eyeball to eyeball since d-day 15 months ago, but we run in the same circles, so a run-in is inevitable. (Most of our friends do not know.)

girlpower posted 10/19/2014 20:30 PM

finding out that my BFF, also my employee and H were engaged in an A for 1.5 years - I am just in total shock. All of the things I shared with her, all of the things I shared with her, all the things I helped her with - all the while paying her.

I am just sick

tlhyde posted 10/19/2014 20:51 PM

girlpower!!!

My therapist told me something like this. "she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

She also told me "this is the point where you have to put her away and deal with her later. You have bigger fish to fry, and she does not matter anymore. Your family and your husband matter, despite his actions you have a choice. But leave her out of it, put her on the shelf of useless things and start to work on you, not what she did to you...that shit is done...done....done"....

Now having said that let God and Karma be there judge, cause man normal people do not go around destroying other peoples' lives...your friend and employee is NOT NORMAL....how you're feeling is NORMAL!!!

I know you are feeling sick, and like you I had the horrific honour of witnessing it.... but....what kind of women does that to you AND I....a very sick, jealous, something is missing in her make-up kind of womAn....STAY STRONG.....because she is NOTHING and your integrity is EVERYTHING

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