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Madhatters Only Thread

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exhaustedheader posted 2/11/2014 02:44 AM

I noticed something bout my posts,,,
I do a lot of this,,,
And a lot ot this... ... ... ... ,,, ,,, ,,,
Looks like morse code,,, get me off this cray zee train,,,
Sorry just venting...
Any way, NC with stbxw, d going along quickly, shes not asking for any support.
That will change im sure.
Ive read alot here last few days. Lots of hurt.
(((All madhatterz)))

Any excuse to use my favorite barfing yellow circle...

silverhopes posted 2/11/2014 04:21 AM

So the divorce is moving along, EH? That's good. Hope it goes smoothly for you all. How are the kids doing? They're probably needing lots of extra support right now. Is your W still going through the case with the possession charges etc?

exhaustedheader posted 2/11/2014 05:29 AM

Silver, yep, d going along. Oddly smooth, considering.
As far as criminal charges, its her ap who has charges,
Hes out o picture now, transferred to prison in texas.
He will not be a factor in anything anymore.
Other than letters.
Let her have the letters.
My kids r here with me, i dont even care bout her now.

Silver, hows your situation?

silverhopes posted 2/11/2014 12:04 PM

My situation is the best it can be right now. Mr Silver met more of his family this week, and that was a big step. He needs to know he's not alone anymore and that he can finally go home to people who unconditionally support him. So it feels like I'm doing my job by helping him reconnect with them. I felt sad most of the time we were there, because if/when he cheats again and finds the love of his life, his family will be happy that they get to form memories with the new girl - actually see Mr Silver get married, get another girl pregnant, etc, play the role of proud family - and it will hurt when they throw me away. These could just be paranoid thoughts but because he is unremorseful, I feel fear a lot of the time and wonder when it will finally happen, and that makes it hard to live in the present. So not dwelling on it has become my challenge. I'm taking care of my son and I. Mr Silver is trying to be thoughtful and that's very sweet. But since he's unremorseful and still has good memories of the OWs… I think he loves me now because he's successful right now, in school and in finding his family again, and he loves me for the support I'm giving him (not because he's particularly attracted to me). So trying to view myself as his best friend and supporter. I'll feel peace if I care about him and help him, because it's who I was before I became unhealthy, I was the person who looked out for people just because. That feels better than trying to strive to be his lover, when he rejected that part of me so many times. For the longest time, I wasn't even his second choice. Hard to believe I'm his #1 now. I just want him to be happy.

silverhopes posted 2/11/2014 13:52 PM

The other unfortunate major sticking point on my situation is that I'm the only adult in this relationship. He flat out is not being a father to our son, or rather not being a coparent with me. He'll make food for him sometimes, which is great - but discipline, playing, watching him, putting him to bed, actually spooning the food into his mouth, bathing him, potty training him, even helping me fill out the damn application for our son to go to preschool (which I'm stressing over right now and asked for help) - his answer is "I can't." And that sucks. Time to get my big girl boots on and be a responsible individual without him, I guess.

exhaustedheader posted 2/11/2014 23:31 PM

Last post, silver, was...unacceptable.
Not to sound harsh, but where the hell does he get this idea that he does not need to engage his family. ???
Ive not read the back story, i just got home.from work, i will read the back story from u and see if i have anything in my rotten madhatter brain that helps,,,
Back soon,,,

exhaustedheader posted 2/11/2014 23:35 PM

Sorry, to clarify, i mean as family, you and your child.
For heavens sake, man, potty train the boy!!!
Ill b bac...

exhaustedheader posted 2/11/2014 23:38 PM


I cant.

He says, i cant.

Pretty much says alot.
Dont it?

Ive heard this too.

silverhopes posted 2/12/2014 01:19 AM

Yeah… When he says he can't… That's the part that scares me. He can be so sweet to me sometimes, and others… I know he loves our son dearly, but… Anything to do with caretaking our son, and I'm on my own. And that scares me, not only because I need help, but more importantly because my son needs a healthy relationship with him. So it's very upsetting. I need to do whatever is in the best interests of my son.

silverhopes posted 2/12/2014 01:28 AM

On a good note, though… a long time ago, I posted here that my H was using weed and had claimed he would stop smoking "next year after his birthday". He stuck to his word, and I am surprised and proud of him. He's been clean for 11 days. He's never done this before and has taken steps to remove all his former drug paraphernalia from the home. There is nothing left. So I truly think he will be much healthier from now on. He does not want to go back. Next step: eventually he will probably try to quit smoking cigarettes. So… I want to give him that credit. He is doing the work for his health: finishing school, meeting his family, quitting pot. I'm very proud of him.

exhaustedheader posted 2/12/2014 05:12 AM

Quitting pot. Not easy at all. Was he a long time smoker?
I, being in denver, home of all thats 420, smoked from 14, thru
37 years old. My "weapon" of choice...
My wife put up with that dream and desire killler for far too long.
At this point, theres no excuse. Get in gear and engage your child, man. This boy will need to have a man to show him how to be a man. NO ONE in my messed up fam ever showed me, and my choices sucked for so long because of that.
In my teens, no one even bothered to ask where i was going.
Your husband will need to step up. Now.

Side hug for stranger....
Bear hug for da hubby
(((((Silvers hubby)))))

exhaustedheader posted 2/12/2014 05:24 AM

People at my NA meeting see me coming with a bear hug, and are not sure wat to do, im not a small guy. Theres no resistance. HHa.
Silver, with this info, give at least a month for him to level out the chemical imbalances.
I have a feeling he might turn round on this when the thc works its way out of his system.
Tell him a 6,4 225 pd guy in denver is comin at him with a thirty day chip and a hug.

All joking aside, time will change this.
One odd thing bout pot, after quitting as a long time user, he will have weird,almosg flashback type effects of still feeling super stoned even when not.
There is a real fog that lifts, it will be noticable to you..
All prayers and hopees for u two..

silverhopes posted 2/12/2014 12:55 PM

Thank you EH. I will definitely try to give him the strongest support and encouragement to stick it out for the first month, and see how much better things get afterward. In the first days he was so depressed. He's a happy guy and he just couldn't smile those first days. Since seeing his family (2 siblings and a cousin, and their spouses and kids), he's definitely had a mood boost but still lots of uncertainties. What you said about not having a family to show you how to be healthy - same with him. He was put in the foster care system when he was five and bounced around from family to family until he was 20 (and the very last family was the one who got him hooked on pot, since they smoked), at which point he became homeless for several years. Never had any positive role models at all. His sister only found him recently, and he's 32 now. He's the only one of his family who had to go through the system: everyone else was adopted right away and kept the same consistent loving family growing up and even now. I can't even imagine how painful that must be for him. In a way, he thinks of me and my family as another adoptive family, except that he married me. I've been trying to show him how to take care of our son. It's when he says he "doesn't feel like it" that I get frustrated. A person has to try. I get scared about my child-raising skills too, considering some of the scary things my family put me through (my mother's heroin addiction, physical abuse, sexual abuse by a couple of family members, abandonment - among other things). But his complete and utter lack of role models… I get why he's apprehensive. He didn't have anyone.

Thank you so much for your encouragement EH. It helps to hear from someone who was on the other side and made it. Definitely going to give him extra strength this month.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:59 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

exhaustedheader posted 2/12/2014 15:49 PM

Silver, the "i dont feel like it" sounds like the thc talkin.
Just my observation. Been there, yuck.
The family issues you both face sadden me to hear.
Does your husband talk at all bout counseling, help of any kind,? I really dont like na myself, but in the dark vortex of addiction, its ok. It does help. Do you talk to him bout whats goin on inside him with regards to his quitting recently?

silverhopes posted 2/12/2014 18:42 PM

He's been in therapy for several years, since before I met him - but he's been through so much of the system that he doesn't trust his therapists. They're assigned to him based on his disabilities, so he thinks they're looking for any excuse to put him in program or jail. It's really sad. I looked up some Marijuana Anonymous groups in our city and told him about it, so he knows it's out there. He's mentioned it a few times in the last year, so it might be something he tries some time. I looked up the information again for him recently.

That was something I found encouraging: he openly told me how depressed he felt, or when he feels sick, or sad, or tired, or when he needs food (and then I get some for him to help his mood, gently push him to eat so he'll feel better, and then he does). I've asked him to ask me when he needs something so I can help. He was gentler about how he expressed himself (another long term issue we've been facing is his temper. He believed that smoking would make him nicer and, in his words, "less of a jerk", but it didn't work that way at all actually. He still had a hurtful raging temper). A few times in the last 12 days he went back to yelling and saying hurtful things and slamming doors, and I called him on it. Our communication is getting gentler. Just a couple hours ago, he tried to reassure me that he wouldn't leave me or move on to another girl if something happened. Then he walked us to the bus stop. It feels like he's trying. So maybe it was the THC talking before.

I think we're going to have struggles, but it feels indescribably good to see him getting healthy.

exhaustedheader posted 2/12/2014 22:29 PM

EVERYTHING you described in the last post is EVERYTHING that happens wen coming off pot long term.
Deprssion, fits, etc. Its actually a good sign.
U let him know hes not alone. Ive been reading some earlier posts from u, i am pulling for you both.

silverhopes posted 2/13/2014 12:53 PM

I will definitely keep reminding him he's not alone. Thank you, and I'll check back in about how it goes.

mezmer posted 2/13/2014 21:39 PM

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:14 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

exhaustedheader posted 2/17/2014 00:08 AM

This sux.
Tonight, it hit hard.
Im at fault.
I had no morals.
I had no boundaries.
I tore her heart out.
Stomped it.

Well, i deserve this sht.
Dont i?

I wonder what mezmer posted.
Its driving me nuts.

exhaustedheader posted 2/17/2014 00:12 AM

Silver, ma'am, hows the sitooashun?

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