Not quite sure what to do with Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It can be hard to remake them, huh? Maybe it can help too to do some research about different things people do during them, maybe different traditions. You might find something you've never heard of before that sounds fun. Like maybe an interesting new recipe (we recently discovered squash-apple soup for Thanksgiving, for example), or decorations (or even meals) in a different room of the house.
Then I am conflicted, because the holiday season was the time of year when the affair was uncovered, and I found out he is not biologically my son. My head is still so very screwed up over that. And of course my son doesn't know. We pretty much wrap him in a protective bubble, and go about celebrating the holidays and give him a childhood of tradition and happy memories. In the meantime, I still feel like I am on the sidelines, dealing with feelings of hurt, isolation, abandonment, loss, and humiliation.
That must be very hard. I wish I had advice for you.
I'm really sorry to hear about your father. Are you still in contact with him in any way?
Not at the moment. He disagreed with my decision to start a family. We emailed back and forth for about three years (he wrote every three months or so), and then this summer my Nana passed away, and we saw him at the memorial service. He met his grandson for the first time. I haven't heard from him since, he hasn't responded to my emails. I think I'm trying to repress just how upset that makes me. I know intellectually the way I need to move through this - accept it, then stop dwelling on it and wallowing in it. I feel deeply upset, if I'm honest ANGRY about it and spend way too much time thinking about it. And he can't be part of the resolution because he's not here. This has taught me, more than anything, how individual healing really is. We don't always have the partners we need to help us through the healing. Sometimes they're there but not on the same page, and sometimes they're flat out gone.
I think Mr Silver and I might have a bigger problem than the science museum after all: our communication. We don't respond well to each other. A conversation goes something like this:
Him: We're out of wet cat food (which we use as an addition to the dry food). We have like 2 cans left.
Me: I could feed them the (meat) baby food.
Him: Baby food? *scowling* We feed them the baby food again, fuck?
Me: OK, you're right, we won't feed them the baby food.
Him: I mean fuck, what, you wanna feed them the veggie one now?
Me: *holding up hand* OK, I acknowledged you, I said I heard you and we wouldn't feed them the baby food. That's it. I won't mention it again.
We both have issues. I tend to be very dismissive of him, emphasis on the diss, and I get angry with him very quickly. He tends to be disrespectful and curses at me. We've had prior conversations where he's voiced his disapproval of feeding the cats meat baby food, so I should not have brought it up again. We've had prior conversations that I don't like him cursing at me, and he should not have cursed at me again. I'm wondering what I should say. Should I swallow my pride more? I think that should be the answer. So then what to do with the resentment that remains?
ETA the main problem... Control struggles: I will shut down conversations where I feel attacked by saying, "End of story" type statements. He will shut down conversations by leaving the room and slamming the door shut behind him. I'm guessing we both do it when we're feeling overwhelmed. So maybe the first step for me is to say honestly that I feel overwhelmed. Or maybe I should try to suck it up more often. He got mad at me earlier for saying I don't feel well (which I don't) because I say I don't feel well a lot (because, well, I don't). If I clam up, I'm shutting down further talks and also trying to win the power struggle by having "the last word", not to mention affecting our intimacy. If I say that I don't feel well too often, then he feels like I'm either overwhelming him or using it for an excuse. Maybe I need to either say it less or else vary what I mean: "I need a break from looking after DS, could you please watch him?" (and stop being afraid of him saying no) "I think I need to lie down for a little while, can we turn off the lights/can I leave the room for a while and can you be here with DS?" I'll try it. Don't know if I'm asking too much of him. Support vs. not stepping up to my responsibilities. Hard call. I *FEEL* like I don't have a lot of people I can turn to for support.
Sorry if I've written a lot. Sometimes it helps me to think when I write things down.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday!
[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:15 AM, October 21st (Monday)]