SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For the record, I believe that the General Social Survey out of U Chicago now provides the best statistics - but they know some people lie on face to face interviews, and that's what the GSS is or used to be based on. We also know people lie on anonymous, questionnaire-based, non-face to face surveys.

I once saw a small survey based on both face to face interview and anonymous surveys. IIRC, 6 times as many people admitted cheating on the survey as admitted cheating in the interviews. If that ratio carries through to the GSS, about 150% of men and 100% or women cheat.

@sisoon I'm not sure I understand, but I wasn't referring to the proportion of people who cheat, I meant how well satisfaction within the primary relationship can predict who has affairs.

I asked AI for a better explanation and it gave me: "Low relationship satisfaction is one of the strongest interpersonal predictors of infidelity, yet it explains only a modest portion of the overall statistical variance. Across psychological literature, dyadic elements—such as relationship happiness, romantic love, and overall quality—typically account for roughly 15% to 21% of the variance in who is unfaithful, with notable nuances between genders and relationship types."

You are absolutely right that people's self-reports could be untrue for all manner of reasons, but even if we accept self-report at face value, relationship satisfaction is a very poor predictor of who will have an affair (as I guess we all knew already, but somehow much of couples therapy seems to approach the issue as if that is not the case).

@StrugglingThrough you mentioned that you were resistant to the idea that attachment type has an impact on the unfaithful's actions, but may I inquire if you know what attachment type your husband is?

I wouldn't say I am resistant to it, but I don't think the evidence for it is very strong.

You are absolutely right that people's self-reports could be untrue for all manner of reasons, but even if we accept self-report at face value, relationship satisfaction is a very poor predictor of who will have an affair (as I guess we all knew already, but somehow much of couples therapy seems to approach the issue as if that is not the case).

Which is why we're so cautious here about couples therapy shortly after infidelity is discovered. Many focus on an unmet needs model, when unmet needs have little if anything to do with the choices a cheater makes. That has a way of implying there's at least some fault to be laid at the feet of the betrayed.

Marital issues and unmet needs should absolutely be addressed, but when you introduce infidelity into the mix it creates a whole new wound that overshadows pretty much any preexisting issues.

I look at it as if a couple is in a triage room. The cheater might have a broken leg, but the betrayed spouse is lying on the floor bleeding out from a gunshot wound to the chest. The broken leg needs attention for sure, but you have to stop the bleeding from the gunshot wound and get that person stabilized first before dealing with the broken leg.

It's a very good point. Sadly the fact remains that many of these therapists are continuing to operate from this or other restrictive types of models, to charge a lot of money for it, and to cause harm. Some publish information in books, online or on social media along the same lines which I'm sure also harms people.