SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sure. I understand about being C-suite, but way before you get there in those careers you are not. You are in the lower ranks. There is maybe a power imbalance at that time where you internalize that you need to control and protect yourself?

I understand what you are saying about not feeling attracted to the attention in that way. Really. I do. I honestly can't picture myself having an affair within a work/career setting. Do you think there's a difference in some way between us in experience or values or coping? I'm honestly curious. In the coping part, I just don't see how it helps the situation at all. That's from the outside though.

I could possibly picture myself having an affair if I weren't a mother with children. Your children were still at an impressionable age as young adults, even being out of the house. It's so hard for me to picture breaking up their family. Do you think there is a difference there?

I can picture myself feeling something and backing off and re-evaluating a marriage to decide if I would be happier with a divorce. I wasn't particularly happy. I have friends who are not now. Is it an evaluation of risk?

I think I understand what you are saying about being avoidant more clearly. I said I was at least somewhat avoidant because I read the descriptions of that. Yet I have taken more than one quiz that say I am securely attached. It might be different.

Still, I think all my close friends and family will tell you that it's hard to get to know me.

"I would never have an affair" is a weaker safeguard than people think for someone that is compartmentalized and avoidant... Most people who eventually have affairs probably believed some version of that about themselves right up until they found themselves inside the affair container where those beliefs no longer governed their behavior.

This. I had committed infidelity multiple times prior to the most recent incident and I still convinced myself that I would never do that to my husband. Isn't that a crazy level of self-delusion!

I could possibly picture myself having an affair if I weren't a mother with children. Your children were still at an impressionable age as young adults, even being out of the house. It's so hard for me to picture breaking up their family. Do you think there is a difference there?

I reasoned that I wouldn't be found out, and that if I was, then my husband would stay with me to preserve the family for our daughter's sake, after seeing what his previous divorce did to his older children... I think other WS don't think about that as a consequence at all, whether because they are absorbed with themselves and the affair, or because they compartmentalize.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 12:50 AM, Thursday, October 22nd]

I reasoned that I wouldn't be found out, and that if I was, then my husband would stay with me to preserve the family for our daughter's sake, after seeing what his previous divorce did to his older children

Yes. And this is a terrifying reality to a BS. You understand our dedication to our children and are willing to count on that in case of an affair being revealed. We would never do that. It means more to us. It just does.

My children are older now, and I will act differently. The difference still exists. I think he knew. He knew. He simply didn't care as much as I did.

We would never do that. It means more to us. It just does.

I don't think that logically follows... Especially considering some people can genuinely believe that about themselves and still end up cheating. *shrug*

I disagree.
By your own admission, you made a logical decision and calculation on the risk of having an affair based on what you knew of your husband and how the outcome would affect you and your daughter. Whether you were correct or not, it was still that. My logical decision, etc. would simply not have been the same as yours.

I am not making any predictions on whether you would or wouldn't commit infidelity based on how much you love, value, and want to protect your family.

I'm saying that moral conviction in and of itself does not guarantee prevention of moral failures.

I also think that it's impossible to quantify such characteristics in order to be able to meaningfully compare them, and even if someone may love, value, and want to protect their family as much as you do, that they still may not act in accordance with those values.

ETA: Personally, I also (however faultily) estimated that I (probably) could have my illicit relationship without jeopardizing my family, so it doesn't make sense to count that as evidence that I didn't value them as much as someone who hasn't cheated. That's not the same as thinking "This behavior presents a significant risk of breaking up my family, but I value the affair more and so I'm going to keep doing it."

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:09 AM, Thursday, October 22nd]

EDIT:

Ok. No. You edited in the middle of my post. The rest of what I wrote still stands, but i don't think I need to engage anymore in this discussion.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 2:27 AM, Thursday, October 22nd]