SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very direct:

1. She is lying to you about cutting contact
2. You have to immediately speak to legal counsel. Like today. I am not suggesting immediately filing papers but you one billion percent without question need to see one now. There are tens of thousands of people who have been through exactly what you are going through and there will be 100% consensus that you need to go asap. GO ASAP!!!!
3. Get an account she doesn’t have a password to and forward anything you have in there. Phone bills and montly bank statements. Pictures of her gps history if she has one in the car. If you have a shared computer grab every file off of it and see if any accounts are logged in.
4. You need to have all facts and her current affair partner’s details are critical. You’ll probably be able to find him in reverse if you can find his number. A PI if you can afford one. You may need to do some digging but every second you spend on this will be a second not wasted. He’s married or your wife wouldn’t be hiding him so thoroughly. Guaranteed. Like I’ll donate $500 to the charity of your choice if I’m wrong.

Want to start by saying your profile describes a very typical marriage. Financial issues, division of labor, time-restraints, power-struggles… this is all something I venture 99% of all marriages go through. Some end in divorce, some make it through.
I also want to emphasize that her decision to have an affair has NOTHING to do with any of the issues you mention. All these issues could justify a demand for change, or a demand for divorce. But NOTHING justifies the decision to have an affair. This needs to be so very very clear. Imagine you two make it through this instance, and 11 years from now you go and buy a Ford when she wants a Mazda… Would that justify or explain why your actions "made her" go sleep with the man next door?

At the end of the day – IF you two are to reconcile – there has to be a point where she totally acknowledged her blame in the affair. Totally on her – no excuses or justification.

Her definition of an affair is way off…
It’s a bit like tossing grandpa into a grave because he’s old and will die soon anyways. Might as well use this conveniently located ditch you found…

I think some factors need to be in place for reconciliation to be possible. Some are required from the start; some can wait for a few months.

First of all: If there is any contact at all then reconciling is going to be as successful as an AA meeting in a bar. Until you have assurances that it’s over, then at best you are in a holding pattern.

Second is the realization that there is something worse than divorce. Imagine you two don’t divorce. You carry on meeting a MC where he maybe rightly blames you for not helping with the household chores and the two of you find a way to cohabit. You think everything is fine and dandy. Only two years from now there is another unplanned, unpaid visit to the "beautician" … What is infinitely worse than divorce is remaining infidelity. I call it sharing a wife, and I think sharing a wife is infinitely worse than losing a wife.

I want you to contemplate this: IF divorce is the absolute worst outcome from this situation, then why risk it? Why not pretend to believe she’s having her nails done for the second time – and for free – this week? After all – if she returns home, there isn’t this talk of divorce and all that… why risk the "marriage"?
If that doesn’t sound good then really think long and hard about what it is you want to save, and only put the effort into it if you are offered what you want.

Then there is something I believe ALL marriages need. It’s the realization that there is really only one reason people should remain married. Namely because they want to. Not forced to, not obliged to, not an option… but because they want to. You want it and she wants it.

Right now, she’s talking as if the marriage was over and the only thing left was have a divorce and get a new lover. Well… in her mind not in that order…
But she hasn’t filed, has she? She doesn’t need your approval or permission. Divorce is always easier and better if both work at it, but no matter how you resisted then if she wanted, she could be half-way out the door.
So why hasn’t she failed?

As counterproductive as it might sound, then I suggest people peel away the layers of excuses for not filing. I can share that my wife and I did that some years ago during a rough spot and we decided that we wanted to remain married because we wanted to.
Have kids? Research after research supports that coming from homes where divorced parents do amicable parenting and show mutual respect irrespective of the former marital status do better than kids raised in households where parents are cold and emotionally separated. Your kids will then model their future relationships on what they see, and if that is a dad who never hugs his wife, a wife that never brings tea to her husband and places an arm on his shoulder, where there is resentment and bickering… then that’s what they will expect.
Can’t afford to divorce… again… an excuse, about as valid as the one that since there is a convenient open ditch in the garden you might as well dump grandpa into it…

IF she stays you want it to be for the right reason. That reason is because she wants YOU. As-is it sounds like you two are in an indifferent holding pattern, and it’s not a sustainable one.
Your MC is correct in that you can’t force her to decide, but at the same time it’s like a car headed towards a cliffs edge; at some point you need to decide if you are changing course or driving off the ledge. All you can possibly impact to delay that decision is the speed of the car. Maybe your MC is correct in that there are still some yards to the ledge but just keep in mind he’s not sitting beside you in the front-seat. He won’t be experiencing fall with you.

I am not stating all the above in some Jedi-mind-trick move to convert you to a divorce mindset. But I do want you into a get-out-of-infidelity mindset.

My so-called Sandwich Speech has been mentioned.
To nobody’s surprise I’m going to suggest a version for you:

Wife – I acknowledge that there were things in our marriage that are totally my fault. I should have listened to you and taken you seriously when you talked about issues that bothered you. Irrespective of how our marriage goes, I’m sorry and I apologize. I will work on improving my relationship and communication skills irrespective of what our future will be like husband and wife. I wish I had been more understanding, and we had gotten MC to fix those issues.
However, I have had an epiphany: Right now I don’t really have you as my wife. At best I share you, and I don’t share with you. Losing you is a terrible thought in my mind, but even worse is sharing you and knowing that you are with another man, both physically and emotionally. I can’t pretend to believe you are at a beautician when I KNOW you are with him. Although losing this marriage is hard, it beats having to share with you.

Therefore, I am setting you free. Seeing as OM is separated you can go be with him, spend time with him, date him, stay at his house… whatever. There is nothing I can do to prevent you from doing this anyways, and it’s better for all if you do what you want to do. Only you won’t be doing this as my wife.

I simply assuming you have chosen infidelity over the marriage and acting on that to get ME out of infidelity. It’s not somewhere I want to be.

I am starting the process of emotionally and practically ending our marriage. There is no drama, no rush. There is no me trying to get everything or anything like that. There is a known process that we can follow and be as amicable as possible on that path. We should focus on being able to coparent as well as we can. There is no rush per se. I want to take a few weeks simply learning to emotionally detach, and we can start the preparation of separating finances, finding a custody schedule and all that.

This isn’t how I envisioned us. I would do a LOT to save this marriage. But I won’t share with you.

If you want this marriage or want us to try saving it there are some requirements I need. You have a short window of opportunity to let me know if you want this marriage. The requirements are that you clearly and verbally let me know you want us to work on the marriage, no room for ambiguity. I also need verifiable proof that there is no contact with OM – remember I’m giving you the freedom you want to be with him so if you can’t give me this then don’t bother working on our marriage. I also will eventually need to know what happened.

This was a tough decision for me, and I have been contemplating my options for quite some time. It’ not what I want, but it’s what I am realistically being offered as my only path out of infidelity. The further I go along this path the more content I am with my decision.

"

And then you go make a sandwich.
(The sandwich is simply a term to show that you go about life. There isn’t any need to talk things through, have drama, shout and scream… Live goes on while you start on your journey out of infidelity. All that basically remains to be seen is if she joins you or chooses OM).

If she comes and tells you that she had to cheat because you didn’t value, her your answer is "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then this is something we would need to address, but seeing as you are committed to your infidelity then there is nothing to be gained by that"
This is your standard answer to ALL her reasons for why she cheated. There really isn’t any need to argue over ANYTHING. While she doesn’t commit to marriage, you are committed to your only real option, and that’s ending the marriage. At YOUR pace.

Or you can give my 30 second "speech" which I said to my H the day after dday2.

"I am D you. I have nothing left to give to this marriage. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose."

And I left the room. I had a plan B just in case Reconciliation didn’t work. And how could it work if he’s still cheating and lying. So when I found out I just knew I had no other choice. It was not a threat. I meant it. I had everything lined up for the days after NYE to file. I also told him to leave and find a new place to live.

We have reconciled and we are luckily one of the happy couples here at SI who survived. Bigger has great advice — as do others — and I urge you to realize that we all speak from experience.

Someone who continues to lie and cheat is not ready for reconciliation.

She denied it saying she used a separate account, she'd turned her phone off not to be disturbed and went to a different place. And now she said I'm controlling and monitoring her, so she's turned location sharing off her phone now.

IMO, she is lying, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Currently, she is not a candidate for reconciliation. She does not understand the gravity of her actions. She had an affair while she was married, she cannot redefine what an affair is.

After my husband's affair, I knew where he was and who he was with. Complete transparency. He stopped socializing on the job and gave up his passion he had been involved in for three decades.

Please do not do the pick me dance and implement the 180 asap.

On my way out, lots of great advice here from members who have walked in your shoes.

I can’t add anything because you’ve already got the best advice possible in these posts. All I can say is they are all right on the money. Read and reread it and implement it. Don’t be one of those people who suck it up, stay in limbo and destroy all their self worth in the process.

Metronman

Your wish to reconcile is clear to all.

I want to assure you that the posts 1stWife and I are suggesting are intended to create the conditions for reconciliation – if R is really an option. The only difference is the wording.
I used a car-driving-towards-a-ledge analogy to describe what your wife and MC are offering you right now. We are suggesting you switch seats… No longer a passenger, but rather the driver who determines the speed, the direction and the destination of the trip. No guarantee it won’t lead you to a ledge, but then it’s a ledge of your choice towards a landing of your choice.

To divorce basically only one criteria needs to be met. Namely that ONE of you wants to divorce. You can divorce with no willing cooperation from the other. Just adds to the time and complexity.
To reconcile, several criteria needs to be met. BOTH of you need to want the marriage, you both need to have some initial goal or expectation. NEITHER can be doing something that knowingly harms reconciliation. For example; if your wife says she wants to reconcile she can’t be seeing OM. If you say you want to reconcile you can’t be ignoring her need for better communications.

There are all sorts of theories and common beliefs regarding infidelity. This site does not condone generalizations, but one common theory is what’s called the exit-affair, and it’s often stated that women are more likely to have an exit affair than men. Ever heard about suicide by cop? Where someone intentionally create a situation that leaves cops no option but to shoot them? That is what the exit affair compares to. It’s when a WS has an affair to create conditions where the BS is likely to divorce them.
MAYBE your wife had an exit affair, and maybe she’s still hoping you do what she doesn’t dare do and pull the trigger.

But then – we also have one very common human behavior, even more common than the exit affair/suicide-by-cop. That is when you do something that you KNOW is wrong in so many ways and then justify it with retrospective explanations, rewritten history and slanted points of view. You hold on to that stance, that defense and those justifications to make what you did "right".
Like someone that robs a bank might explain how their dire financial straits left this as the only option, and that it’s OK since you never intended to use the shotgun, it was unloaded and the banks have insurance that covers their loss. Actually nobody was hurt or lost any money per se, therefore what you did isn’t really THAT bad and necessity made you do it.

I actually think your wife falls into the later camp.
After all – the affair is out. It’s common knowledge. IF the marriage was over in her eyes, if she doesn’t want this marriage… why isn’t she over with single, divorced OM? What’s holding her back? If she’s so unhappy with you, then why remain and be both unhappy with you and unhappy with not being with OM? If you are the problem, why spend time with MC?

I truly believe that if you take the initiative and start controlling the direction YOU are going at the pace YOU are OK with… she will follow.

If not – if this is an exit affair, if she’s determined to do suicide by cop… Well… if an end to this marriage is inevitable you are better off knowing in the next 3 months than the next year or years. Discovering your wife had an affair is painful. Discovering she "had her nails done" ten days ago is even worse. Discovering, once you think it’s all over and everything is calming down, that she’s AGAIN getting some beautification done four, six, ten, one hundred… months from now… THAT is devastation.

Ps. If you haven’t already realized – few if any of us think she was at a beautician.

Metroman, could you explain a bit more about your family dynamics—the children's ages, your financial situation, where you live, etc.—so we can understand you better and why you are holding on so tightly to the R?
Last year, I read a couple of books by Michelle Langley: *Women's Infidelity I: Living in Limbo* and *Women's Infidelity II: Breaking Out of Limbo*.
They might help you a bit with what your WS is going through right now. Don't take her statistics as reliable (they aren't scientific; they are biased), but the books can offer some interesting insights regarding female self-image (ideal vs. real) and the rewriting of history—though not all women accept that concept as valid!
...and regarding what Bigger mentioned: "Exit Affair" and "Suicide-by-Cop."

Your wife still does not believe she had an affair. She has taken zero accountability and the strategy you have employed is just empowering her to act the way she is.

The only chance you have if saving the marriage if that is what you truly want is to hold her accountable. Start to read people into what is happening and clearly define that she cheated and she has not taken accountability. Deciding the marriage is over in ones head does not mitigate their behavior or allow them to duck accountability for infidelity.

Hire a lawyer and prepare for divorce and lay our strict boundaries. She is either dragging her feet hoping you will pull the plug or letting you twist till she decides if the marriage is worth saving.