SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my husband for 14½ years. This November would have made 9 years of marriage. We've been having issues for quite some time and some of it had to do with him drinking a lot, then the issues started changing to other things, and recently the biggest issue was he had this co-worker who was a friend and he brought her into mine and my son's life and she also became my friend. However, their relationship just seemed too close and I confronted him twice if they were having an affair. Of course he said no and him and her gas lit me for months, almost a year. I finally got him to agree to couples therapy, where he then decided to share with me him and the friend have been having an affair for 2 years. They both made me feel crazy, like I was a bad friend, a bad wife, and I started making excuses on how things were even though many friends and family caught on they were too friendly with each other as well. There were rumors at their job that us 3 were in a poly relationship and I hate that now I can no longer show my face there because it's embarrassing that I was the fool. I was upset in the beginning and cried a lot, then I've been mad. I even was considering reconciling with him because of our history and our child, but he does not want to quit the job he works with her at, he only told her he needed space, they're running in a race together in October, he has no desire to not go to that or hasn't told me he will not see her there or try to avoid her. I asked him to get rid of this board he hangs all of his medals on that her father made for him and he didn't want to. He finally agreed, but it's still hanging on the wall. This all came out a month ago and I know it's still fresh, but I feel like I'm the only one stupid enough to want to fight for a man who clearly has no desire or interest to fight as well. It's just hard because we have been together since 17 and 18 years old and I am now almost 32. I have never dated really and I don't know how I am supposed to do all of this alone now.

First off...WELCOME to the BEST club you never wanted to be in (((HUGS))).

My gosh...your husband brought his adultery co-conspirator into you and your son's lives...that is HORRIBLE! To manipulate you and gaslight you like that...so SICK!!

I feel like I'm the only one stupid enough to want to fight for a man who clearly has no desire or interest to fight as well.

No Ma'am...you aren't stupid...you are a FAITHFUL wife whose feelings are REAL. Your WH(Wayward Husband) doesn't feel like he HAS to choose...so he won't. He THINKS he knows what you will do...or won't do...so he keeps doing what he wants.

YOU have choices though Dear Lady . If all you want to do is survive for right now...that is perfectly fine. When you are ready to do something else...then you can. This is YOUR life and you WILL make it...no matter what path you CHOOSE to go on. There are several threads that are pinned at the top of this Forum that may help you to get started . There is also a link at the main page called "The Healing Library". This has resources that may help you as well...especially with the abbreviations.

You can also write...rant...rave ALL you want on here...that will help too . This Forum is only for Betrayeds to post in. If you don't feel like having Waywards posting on your thread right now then this is the place to be ! The Waywards on here are on their own path to recovery as well...active Waywards don't post on this site. You may find that posting in the "General Forum" will help in getting perspectives from both. There is a thread in the "I Can Relate" Forum that is titled BS Questions for WS - Part 16. You can post a question in that thread if you would like an answer from a Wayward.

You will be given a LOT of advice on here . We are all here to HELP! Each of us are in different stages of healing...and someone's advice may not be the advice you feel you need right now...and that is perfectly fine too! It is often said on here that you can take the advice that works for YOU...and leave the rest .

Here's to you taking another step to HEALING (((HUGS))).

Pay attention to this:

BE A CHOICE! NOT AN OPTION! Get rid of your rose colored glasses and look at two despicable people who gaslit you for two years. You do not love HIM. You love the idea of him. The one you love never existed.
Talk to a lawyer tomorrow.
Sending a virtual hug!

You were no fool, and you can hold your head up high.

You were lied to by people you trusted, just like 100% of the people posting in this forum. You spend half your life with this man. You’re supposed to believe him!

IN FACT, it’s almost impossible to believe, right? What kind of person would introduce his AP to his wife? What kind of person would let his AP befriend his wife? What kind of woman would cheat with her friend’s husband? They capitalized on the fact that you didn’t think they were sociopaths. You’re not a fool, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You took your high school sweetheart at his word, and you didn’t think he was capable of this level of awfulness.

You have asked us the age-old question, what do I do? You are in a very common situation. You have a WH who will not stop his affair. And yes, he’s still cheating, let’s have none of this "he asked her for space" bullshit. They see each other every day at work. They’re going on a run together. The affair is not over.

There’s no known technique to get someone to stop cheating. If there were, it’d be the pinned post here. The one move that works the best is to set them free and walk away. Seriously, that gets more waywards scrambling to save their marriages than anything.

But it only works when it’s not a tactic. When you realize that you deserve better than to be treated like this. When you realize that you are the prize, and he’s the kind of person who would do all that he did.

You tell him that you will not stay married to someone who is cheating. You tell him that he’s free - if you love someone, set them free, right? He’s free to do whatever he wants with AP, just not as your husband. You tell him that you’re getting out of infidelity, and you’re not waiting around to see if he’s going to get rid of his ‘medal board’ (narcissist much? Are most of the photos in your house pictures of him running marathons and shit?).

Go see that lawyer. Don’t talk to him about your relationship until he proves his affair is over over. Which means going NC with AP, which means one of them has to get a new job.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating and getting exercise. Reach out to friends and family, don’t be ashamed of what he did, your loved ones will support you and you don’t have to do this alone.

I’m sorry you’re hurting MomLife26.

Look up how to avoid Ambiguity Aversion to get out of a bad marriage. If your spouse doesn’t come around then you will be off in the right direction.
SL

I am sorry you had to come this site.

Right now you have to pay attention to your cheating husband’s actions b/c they tell you everything.

He refuses to change jobs.

He won’t take down the board.

He is insisting he still attend a race (w/ the other woman (OW)).

These are all red flags and signs the affair is on-going.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library here at SI. It is not designed to stop the affair but designed to shield you from having to live under his "idea" of marriage— which excludes honesty and monogamy.

Find a counselor JUST FOR YOU — someone to support you. Not the marriage. Not in trying to Reconcile unless that is what you choose.

But right now you cannot reconcile w/ someone actively cheating. And IMO as long as he remains in a job where the OW is around and given his behavior — he’s lying and cheating.

Integrating the OW into your life for years is a whole other level of cheating. That is abuse IMO and maybe that type of evil is something you cannot live with or accept.

Only time will tell.

Get your financial life together. Prepare as though you may D. I suggest cancelling all joint credit cards do he cannot run up your debt and leave you stuck with it. Get copies of every important document - tax returns, retirement account statements, mortgage info or lease info etc.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:15 PM, Friday, September 11th]

Sorry you have become a member of the club that no one ever thought they would be in.

My advice is to call a few attorneys and make appointments for consultations and let your husband know. As someone else said, he is free to do whatever he wants, but not as your husband anymore.

It's common for a BS to feel like a fool, but we're not. We are people who loved our spouses and thought they were worthy of our trust and love. You have no reason to not hold your head high. You are faithful, he was not, he's the one who should be hanging his head in shame.

I would take down that medal board, bring it to his work, and hand it to his AP, and not say a word.

Look up how to do the 180. The moment you are able to turn around and take that first step away from the relationship, everything Will change for the better

I would take down that medal board, bring it to his work, and hand it to his AP, and not say a word.

I like that idea. I was so enraged when I first read MomLife26's post...and wanted to tell her to take that board and BURN it...medals and all. Let her WH feel what it is like to lose something he values! It won't even compare to what HE did...but it would probably give a little relief to not have that trigger be anywhere near her. But that would be vindictive.

I was vindictive when I first found out...and although it felt GOOD at the time...I went down to their level. I don't want to advise anyone to do that. But bringing that board to the adultery co-conspirator is pretty cool!

I don’t advise you giving the board w/ medals to anyone. At least not just yet.

If the co-worker is married or has a partner, I would tell her spouse or partner immediately.

If not, I would fly under the radar and not let the cheaters know of your plans until you make some firm decisions.

Our stories are very, very similar. I'd burn the medal board. In fact, I'd get rid of any remind in your house. But, I wouldn't show up at their work. If her husband doesn't know, let him know. I'm so sorry you're here. You'll get nothing but support here. Check out the healing library.

If he's not willing to make the changes in job, races, etc. Then you're getting your answer on whether or not he is worthy of such a trusting and faithful wife. He might not be. But, someone else will. You won't be alone, if you don't want to be. Even if you've been together for a very long time. If he wants to keep his family....he's got to be ALL IN. It doesn't sound like he's realized that yet.

Put on your bitch boots. Scorch the earth of any reminders of the A from your home and life. Lawyer up. Most of them will meet you for a free consult. Just learn what your options are if he continues to be the idiot that put you in this situation.

You're going to be ok. It will take time. It might not turn out anyway you planned, but you will survive. Take such good care of you and your kiddo.

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're here, but glad you found us.