SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a question about affair recovery and whether a marriage can truly heal when the betrayal was never actually worked through.

I learned that my husband had been unfaithful about five years ago. Shortly afterward, in the pain and anger of what I had learned, I was unfaithful as well. Neither of us ever really went through a true disclosure or recovery process, and we never did the difficult work of addressing the damage, rebuilding trust, or understanding what happened between us. Instead, we essentially tried to put it behind us and move forward.

My husband has never really had a desire to pursue counseling or work through the issue. I did try an online affair-recovery group shortly after everything happened, but that was the extent of the work we did.

Five years later, I still feel stuck in a tremendous amount of grief. Sometimes it feels like I'm grieving not only the betrayal itself, but also the marriage and the version of our relationship I thought I had. I keep wondering why time doesn't seem to be making this easier.

Is it possible that the reason I haven't been able to move past this is because there was never any real healing or recovery? Can unresolved betrayal continue to affect someone years later when the wounds were essentially left untreated? And, realistically, can a marriage survive and heal after this much time if only one person is willing to do the work?

I don't necessarily expect you to tell me whether my marriage can be saved. I think what I'm really trying to understand is why, after five years, I still feel so much grief—and whether that means I haven't actually healed, or whether I'm holding onto something that may be telling me this marriage ultimately can't survive.

Neither of us ever really went through a true disclosure or recovery process, and we never did the difficult work of addressing the damage, rebuilding trust, or understanding what happened between us. Instead, we essentially tried to put it behind us and move forward.

Time doesn’t really heal. The truth is all of the above takes time.

Is it possible that the reason I haven't been able to move past this is because there was never any real healing or recovery? Can unresolved betrayal continue to affect someone years later when the wounds were essentially left untreated?

Bingo.

And, realistically, can a marriage survive and heal after this much time if only one person is willing to do the work?

You can’t drag someone else through reconciliation. The marriage can survive, and you can heal, but that’s not the same as healing the marriage.

Do the work to heal yourself. At some point you’ll have to decide if the marriage you have is the marriage you can live with.

I think you are stuck in a cycle of wishing what you once had. The marriage. The innocence of loving someone who didn’t betray you. The ease in which you navigated life as a couple - that no longer feels the same.

I strongly suggest you pursue counseling for yourself. Not for dealing with the affair but helping you to get back on track to living a happy life. Or at least feeling less pain about the betrayals.

Hard to make definitive statements about the mysteries of the human spirit, but after reading stories here for about five years I’ve come to believe that betrayal wounds don’t heal without proper treatment. People report after decades that it can still be present if they attempt to rugsweep it. I hope for both of your sakes that you face it and heal.

It took me a long time to figure out my healing was on me. And longing for what you had is really common here. You rugswept. We did it also the first time. Then 20 years later she did it again. So I'm not saying it will happen again but without some substantial change in both of you it's like a ticking time bomb. And you can't be loyal enough for two. So fix yourself. Maybe your husband sees your work and follows suit.

You asked "Can unresolved betrayal continue to affect someone years later when the wounds were essentially left untreated?"

Yes it definitely can and it has! My wife had an affair 33 years ago, I (we) rugswept and acted like it never happened. No one but the two of us know about her affair.

2 years ago we were traveling and went through the town where she had her affair, I was hit with the biggest trigger, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. This was 31 years of never talking about it! Yes, 31 years!

As soon as we got home I told my wife we are talking about it immediately, she knew I was dead serious. I had 31 years of mind games and was about in tears from the fear of what she would tell me. I asked very basic questions and she answered them. I needed to know but it hurt like hell to hear her tell me about having sex with a coworker to punish me for not paying attention to her!

She said she was afraid talking about it would just make it worse, I told her it would help me heal. We had another talk recently and she agreed to read "How to help you spouse heal from your affair" and after reading it she said she would talk to me if I felt I needed to ask more questions.

She won’t go to therapy, she said they would just make her feel bad for cheating on me.

So where does that leave my wife and I, she’s very kind to me and treats me well. Since I had that big trigger 2 years ago it started the pain all over for me. I wish so badly that we had confronted this when it first happened so that hopefully I’d be more healed than I am today.

We are best friends but I don’t know how to be a husband to her, she broke something deep inside of me when she told me about her infidelity. Maybe it’s easier to have my best friend betray me rather than my wife.

We have a good life but I will never recover from the pain I’ve just learned to live with it. A term we used in the Army was "suck it up and drive on" so that’s what I do. Sometimes I look at her and am still stunned that she did this to me!

Yes, unresolved betrayal can follow you for years, decades in my case. Please seek help getting this resolved asap, don’t let it haunt you for years like mine has haunted me!