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Tomorrow will be the first time my WH will be going out of town. Will he be honest for the first time and faithful or will he lie and cheat again? What scares me is that I may never know the truth. How can I know? He lied and manipulated me so much. To the point that I am still upset with myself for not figuring it all out sooner (I'm having trouble letting that go).

I am having trouble coping with his upcoming trip. I am tired of being the betrayed and hurt. How can I have a peaceful four days? I will exercise, drink a lot of water, and focus on my kid. And try to breathe.

I don't like living like this. I was a happy and trusting person. And now I'm trying to find the lies. I am trying to accept that I won't know what he does, but it's a tough pill to swallow.

Any suggestions? Thank you - you all have been incredibly helpful!!!

Hi, Shocked, I really feel for you.

I don't have an answer bc after my D-Day my WH did not travel for the longest time unless I went with him. He actually lied to his boss and told him there were issues at home that prevented him from traveling a great deal (he was usually gone every other week).

Has your WH given you access to everything, phone, social media, emails, etc? Can he facetime you several times a day?

If he is meeting with colleagues or anyone for that matter of the opposite sex, can he assure you he will never be one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex?

My WH actually found another job about 6 months after D-Day, when he did travel, he completely stopped socializing on the job for the longest time, no drinks, no dinners, ordered room service.

As a matter of fact, my D-Day was two decades ago, and WH STILL does not socialize with any female co-workers. He is polite but doesn't participate in any non job-related banter. Always keeps it completely on a professional level.

Perhaps you and your WH can have a discussion about the boundaries you feel comfortable with. His actions will speak volumes.

I am still upset with myself for not figuring it all out sooner (I'm having trouble letting that go).

It is certainly difficult to let that go. Take comfort in the fact that the majority of BS experience the same shit. We couldn't possibly imagine that our spouses would cheat. We missed the red flags. We didn't trust our guts. We talked ourselves out of our suspicions. We deceived ourselves. And because of all that, we berate ourselves.

It's so incredibly common that I've come to believe it's perfectly natural. We don't understand the wayward mindset for the simple reason that we don't possess a wayward mindset. It's not within our realm of experience and therefore beyond our ability to accept its possibility.

Don't beat yourself up for being human.

As for the trip and how to cope...

You can make a choice. There is absolutely no way you can know for certain whether he's going to cheat again. You can choose to embrace those fears or you can choose to remember that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

You can choose to use this time alone to relax, decompress, and just chill. You can use this time to focus on you, your recovery and healing.

Frankly, it’s really hard for a while after DDAY because there is no TRUST.

And since your WS broke the trust, he needs to fix it and take initiative to make this as easy on you as he can.

Must he travel? Is it possible for him to not travel for a while? He may have to let his manager know he has some personal stuff going on, but is it possible?

If he must, then HOW is he going to help you while he is gone? FREQUENT check-ins. Be where he says he will be when he says he will be there. Tracking turned on. Skipping the after dinner drinks or hang outs if that triggers you. Willing to FaceTime if/when you need it.

You need to tell him what YOU need to feel comfortable and he needs to commit to it and understand that you may be anxious while he is away.

And what you need to do for you is set yourself up for success. Have a plan if you get overwhelmed - hot bath, go to the gym, whatever. If you can schedule things to keep busy that may help keep you from spiraling.

It;’s hard - not going to lie to you. But you can get through it. Tell him what you need and then see if he ACTIONS match his words. It will tell you a lot.
Sending support -

Is he still spending 4 hours a day in the gym and 4 hours building his new company and applying for other jobs? Are you two still dipping into savings to maintain your lifestyle?

Frankly – if the trip out of town hasn’t got anything really concrete about a new job, then he shouldn’t be going anywhere… If he’s just going for a good time then IMHO it sort-of confirms what I see (based on your other posts, including the it’s not about you one…) some serious narcistic traits in your husband.
He is a HUSBAND and a FATHER and a MAN. I don’t subscribe to the theory that a man’s role is to provide for his family, but I do subscribe to the fact that a person’s responsibility is to meet the commitments one has made. Irrespective of gender or relationship-title.
Like the commitment to actively take part in paying the bills, mortgage, utilities, food for the family and so on. If he has time to go on some social event, that time could be spent on building his new company, or following up on applications, or door-dashing, or flipping burgers…

But… Assuming he’s going… The trick IMHO is to not put the power of doing right in his hands, but rather YOU establish what YOU accept and expect.
Like… BEFORE he leaves then let him know your concerns but that the longer you doubt, the longer you are constantly worried and the less he does to assure you the further you go along the road where divorce is your best option.
Let him know that it’s up to him to offer you security and safety. That if he strays now its inevitable that you find out, and combined with the present financial situation it’s more likely than not to push you to divorce.
That it’s UP TO HIM to step up – be that by sending you regular location and activity statuses, being clear on where he’s spending his money or whatever other assurance you need.

Why is he going out of town? Business or personal? If business does he HAVE to go or is it optional? If personal my response would be hell no, you're not going.

If the trip is optional I would suggest you simply tell him we are not at a place in our relationship where I am comfortable with you going out of town without me so the choice is yours, but if you go our relationship will take a major step back or it could end

It is not for work. He is now on the fourth year of not having a job. It appears that he spent that time in fantasy land - cheating on me in another world. He was supposed to be looking for jobs, looking to see if we can buy a business, and trying to start one of his own, but nothing worked out. I was hearing about what he was doing along the way. I totally believed him. Or he wasn't really trying. I don't know. But I am excited that he now has three promising interviews, so hopefully he is getting his life on track. He said he just hit rock bottom in his life and is trying to fix it all.

My daughter just graduated from college and needs her belongings moved. She became physically disabled at 17 and needs him to help. Yes, he is super strong and built from working out four hours a day for years. He lost a lot of weight and looks amazing. I probably should have noticed that he must have wanted more attention from cheating. He promised me he really works out and is not cheating at the gym. He is driving a van with her stuff halfway across the country. He will be there alone for three days until I catch up with him with another one of our kids. I have to be there for that kid because he is taking the SAT and that can't change. My daughter was thinking of going with him but then said that she can't bear to be in the van that long. She has severe pain issues that she is still working on.

I have learned a bit about the sex world. He can seriously click on "hot date now" on apps and have sex with anyone. Anywhere. He's done it many times. He says he won't because he wants the marriage, but I am so scared. Scared that I am being strung along and losing more of my life. I am not scared to be alone. I have been alone a lot. I just thought we were sacrificing for a better life at the end and that he was depressed.

I am thinking of asking him to fly back to me instead of waiting for me for the three days he will be alone. It will be expensive though and money is tight.

To make my worries worse, he is coping with his side of the family/his abusers. They did something cruel to him this week and he is coping. I am listening to how awful it is to be betrayed. I am waiting for things to be a little calmer before explaining the parallel of what he did to me. I am going to guess that he will need it spelled out for him.

I'm trying to accept that I just won't know if he cheats. I am now in the loop with our finances, but he could now have a secret credit card. He is really smart and is practiced at lying, hiding things, and manipulating me. Yes, I wasn't paying attention to our money because he had the time to do all of the bills. And he can also cheat for free. There are people who will have sex with anyone at any time.

I found it interesting that he said he took my phone about a year ago when I was sleeping. He wanted to see if I was cheating. He said he was surprised at how innocent I am. I guess I was projecting my trust on him and he was projecting his lying on me.

Sorry for the disorganized writing. My feelings and thoughts are disorganized too. I am sad because I don't trust him and if he cheats again with a complete stranger or his AP (he's had both) reconciliation will have to stop. It has been going really really well but I can't be in a cycle of cheating, working on the marriage, cheating, etc.

I might be writing a lot in the upcoming days!