SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know there are no crystal balls, but I'm wondering if the majority of cheaters who leave end up regretting their choice. We had 28 years of stability and love that he left over a 6 week affair. I'm now alone in a house that's too big for just me. I haven't eaten since I found out 5 days ago. I can't stop crying. I just want to know that, one day, he'll come to regret leaving a life of love and stability, bc we were great. He even told a therapist (that he was seeing for unrelated reasons) immediately before this happened how incredibly good we've been doing for so many years. I'm just lost. He's rewriting history now and is very much so in the fog.

Yes he will regret it.

But he may never admit it to you (or anyone).

An affair is not based in reality. It’s based on a fantasy. The cheaters are living in a dopamine bubble where everything is "perfect".

No kids or bills or in-laws to worry about. No illnesses or serious work issues etc b/c they hide from it for the few hours they are together. Someone else is dealing with that stuff for them.

Why do you think second marriages often don’t last? Odds are stacked against them for a bunch of reasons - especially if the marriage started out as an affair.

One of them will most likely cheat when the going gets tough. And don’t be obligated to have sympathy for him when he gets dumped.

Thank you, 1stwife. I'm hurting so badly and just want to know that, at some point, it'll be tossed right back to him. I just can't believe he did this to me after so long together and after telling everyone how happy we are. It makes no sense to me no matter how hard I try to make it make sense. I'm devastated.

I don’t know how old you are but it could be the typical (cliched) mid life crisis. I lived through one of those.

I had a similar experience but mine was out of the blue. One night - 💥 boom! He’s having an affair. Next week I find out he’s kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW. No fight or drama. Just - he’s bored, he’s aging, he needs validation from someone other woman and I’m out.

We did survive it but barely.

Things changed b/c I changed. I stopped being a doormat, kicked him to the curb and planned to D him.

Suddenly he’s begging ME to reconcile. It took me a year to actually believe he really meant it.

I strongly urge you to find some professional counseling for yourself. It saved my sanity and helped me get my exit strategy together just in case.

You may need a good lawyer too. You will survive this. We all do. But right now your life is upended and you need support.

Not from the cheater btw.

Read up on the 180. Do what you can to protect yourself.

Imagine this:

You begin a relationship based upon lies, fantasy,pretending and betraying and lying to another person.

Do you think there is a human being out there that can have a serene outcome after that?

Not even sociopaths are, they might not care about bonds but the mere fact that they are the person who lies and betrays gets projected on every next relationship for the rest of their lives.

Because we mirror what is our inside world.

And yes, in that case the reflection they found is exactly what they project and did to you.
So betrayals and a desert of emptiness and paranoia is in their future.

That’s what they come to regret, not what they did to you, they don’t care for you, but where they stepped in to.
It’s an ocean of mud and everything will be tainted by that.

Is selfish regret, not atonement, but yes, they always regret it.

I’ll tell you what happened to my parents. My dad cheated on my mom with multiple women, and finally got caught in their 40th year of marriage. He left her at the age of 62 for this younger woman. It’s now 20 years later. My dad is basically estranged from my and my sisters. He barely knows his grandchildren. He lost all of their mutual friends. I asked him, some time ago if he regrets it and his answer was, and I quote, that he "wished some things had turned out differently." He is certainly unhappy about much of what happened, but he won’t blame himself, he’ll say that my mother manipulated everyone against him, that his kids are disloyal and unfair, stuff like that. I don’t know if that’s representative or not; but when I think about it, I think that he can’t let himself say he regrets it. It’s too hard for him. It would mean he shredded his life for a mistake. If he were the kind of person who could be honest with himself about it, he probably wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

But my mom - she’s doing great. She’s healthy, happy, active and all around in a great place. Let’s get you there!

Take care of yourself - you have to eat. Get some exercise. See a doctor if you need sleep-aids, or anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.

And reach out to people. Family, friends, whomever. Get their support. Tell them BH left you for [insert name here] after knowing her for 6 weeks. They will be there for you. And quite possibly they’ll see your pain and hear what he did and like him a whole lot less. It’s not the reason to do it, but you certainly don’t need to keep anything "private" for his benefit, and you DEFINITELY have nothing to be embarrassed about. If it has the effect of shining a light on who he really is and costing him relationships, well that’s just too bad isn’t it.