SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Going back to this idea of playing the recording to H - this is not going to accomplish anything like what you hope for. Debate aside, and taking it as granted that he is gaslighting and manipulating: people who engage in this behavior, regardless of the motivation, are not going to have the insight on it to be able to handle being confronted with a recording in a productive way. The sort of communication issues you've described here will require work in therapy.

Additionally, presenting the recordings to H is not going to result in any more truth about what is happening. Your play-by-play is more than enough truth for you. You're not going to know he gaslighted or mischaracterized more or less than you already explained. If anything, what you will get from that conversation is that he tries to manipulate your perception of the recording. If you truly believe there is a chance what you see in the recording is wrong, the place to take that is therapy, not the source of the alleged manipulation.

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"I'm sorry you're upset" "I'm sorry you feel like that's what's happening" are not actual apologies as they do not demonstrate the apologizer taking accountability for their actions.

torso1500,

I have decided to scrap the recordings and see how the study guide responses work out. You're right; they probably were not even going be helpful. I mentioned the one recording I did take, and very shortly afterwards found out that my H didn't know I was taking it. I thought he saw my screen when I turned on voice memos, but I guess not. He reacted with such anger and I hurt that I was like, "Oh. I don't think this is a good idea anymore." IDK, maybe that's what Pogre was trying to tell me earlier and it just didn't sink in until I was face-to-face with his reaction and out of must-protect-from-gaslighting mode. I've seen a lot of effort from BH to communicate better the past few days, and I'm so appreciative of it.

I'm not apologizing for other people ascribing tone and intention to my posts, and micro dynamics to the conversation, that aren't there. I know what my intentions and meanings were and I shared them honestly. Like I said, I am genuinely sorry that many of the posters here had the emotional reaction that they did. I know that's not fun. But their interpretation is not within my control, and they either don't believe me when I offer clarification, or they simply disregard it, so I'm giving up on trying to provide it. That's part of exiting conversations with people who are not interested in the fixing of miscommunications.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 6:51 PM, Monday, May 25th]

How do you explain why you were so out of touch with how your husband would feel about you recording your arguments?

I expected him to be angry, because I didn't think he wanted to be accountable for what he was saying. I didn't expect the hurt. I'm not even sure I understand why he felt hurt, other than him not knowing the recording was being taken..? I could see how anything that feels sneaky, nonconsensual, unknown and revealed later would be triggering after the infidelity. I wonder if there's more.

What also doesn't make a lot of sense to me is his reaction to finding out about the recording of the conversation, after he agreed to the recordings during the conversation, however out of synch his tone and body language were with the words of acquiescence, and after he refused to explore or express his reasons for dissent despite me asking him to. It felt like he was saying "you're forcing me into this," even though I wanted to make the decision together. I speculate that maybe he retained that mindset and felt forced when he found out the conversation was recorded? It's hard to keep straight.

I should find out though. I'll have to ponder your question a bit more later, I think. It's a good question.

Similarly, do you understand why people on this forum believe you owe some accountability for your past statements and blow-ups?