SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m going to give you the benefit of my experience with a cheating spouse.

Just a bit of background. My H had a 4 year in person EA that he refused to admit to. I knew it was going on. Finally ended. Rugswept 100%.

Years later it’s now a typical midlife crisis affair. He’s kicking me to the curb after 25 years of Marriage to be with the OW.

My smartest move was choosing an amazing counselor during this nightmare.

My worst move was doing the pick me dance. I didn’t know about SI during the affair so I made some typical mistakes.

It took me 6 months of being on an emotional rollercoaster and dday2 to finally stand up to my H. During the 6 months between dday1 and dday2, I was smart enough to get a plan B together.

Long story short — when I found out he was still cheating — I had a very calm rational 1 minute conversation. My exact words were this: I am divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but you have left me with no other choice. This marriage is over and you are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose.

I left the room. I did not give him an opportunity to speak.

He then starts begging me to R. Dday2 when I found out he was cheating he had (for the millionth time) demanded a D. Of course I was shocked and blindsided because a few days before he was all in on reconciling.

I said no to R. I then told him he had to leave.

He still thought he was in control.

I told him I was filing for D after the holiday season. New year. Fresh start. I had the mediators lined up and ready to go. I had a plan and was executing it.

He was stunned. Never expected it. Thought he could sweet talk his way out of the mess.

He saw a side of me he never expected. I did the hard 180 and did everything to protect myself.

In short I saw signs of potential and held off on filing for D. It was on a day by day basis initially. I required a post nup to even consider reconciling w/ him. And for the first year of R it was very difficult.

We are one of the lucky ones who have happily reconciled. But only because my H changed.

Welcome to SI, Glad you found us but sorry you had to. What she is doing is trying to control things through manipulation. She isn't controlling things going forward. You need to go hard 180, be willing to lose the M, the outcome isn't clear at this point but the direction for you is getting you and your kids out of infidelity hell. Some of the advice will seem counter productive but if you take back control over your life and family, she will be outside looking in.

We are one of the lucky ones who have happily reconciled. But only because my H changed.

Wow, The1stWife, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so glad you guys are still together.

Some of the advice will seem counter productive but if you take back control over your life and family, she will be outside looking in.

I appreciate the kind words from everyone.

Although I do regret doing the pick-me-dance (heck I even read about it early on and STILL did it). Like you all know, when you have young kids and actually still do love your wife, it feels like the ONLY thing you can do at the time.

Anyway, I think waiting has only emboldened her belief that I'm the problem and her affair was justified. On the other hand, I think she was so infatuated early on that she would have gladly had me walk out as soon as possible so she could get on with her fantasy life.

Seriously, before this happened I could have never told you what an emotional affair was. Now I can't believe how powerful it is. It's like I'm living with a totally different person.

Although I do regret doing the pick-me-dance (heck I even read about it early on and STILL did it). Like you all know, when you have young kids and actually still do love your wife, it feels like the ONLY thing you can do at the time.

I get it I did everything to "save" our M. I danced for months and it only got worse. It wasn’t until I let her go, and went 180 that reality hit her. I was done and headed for D, I was taking control of my life and family, she was free to go. She begged for R and followed every requirement.

She wasn’t perfect, but she was very committed to a successful R. I am thankful, because 3 years later, our Minor Son was hospitalized for nearly a year, She was by his side the entire time. Staying at a hotel hours away from home while I continued working and caring for his twin. I would visit on the weekends. I didn’t have any triggers or gut feelings about the distance, she had built "trust" back and together we made a great team for his care.