SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my wife of 12 years was having an affair on 5/1/26. She had a weekend hookup with the guy she had an affair with two years ago. To make matters worse, her birthday was on Sunday and I had gotten her diamond ear rings to kind of try to kick start the relationship again. She said she had to work and wouldn't be able to see me but she'd see me Monday morning. Long story short, she was busted dead to rights and still spent the weekend with him.

So now she's home and apartment hunting. We haven't really talked and she's spending the nights in the RV we have on property while I'm in the house. So we're stuck as scorned lover and soon to be ex-wife until she can find a place and she's not finding anything nice and/or affordable. I've known this woman since we were in 9th grade, that's 40 years! And overnight it feels like I don't know who she is and I don't know what to do.

Do I need to stop this? Do I need to watch her walk away? I'm having panic attacks and I'm crushed that I have to share the same space with her and at the same time having a profound sense of loss. It's like she died but is still in the house with me. The anger and shame that had spurred me to clean out the shed and attic in record timing seems to have abated and now I can only think of how alone I am and how hopeless everything feels. I'm absolutely not a danger to myself or other but I can't stop my mind from racing.

Am I supposed to be nice? I'm making diner tonight and said she could have some if she liked. I feel like I'm trapped in hell and I'm just waiting for the conflagration to begin and burn up everything that I've cared for and built in the last 20 years. What do I have to look forward to in life now? It really still doesn't feel real and I'm not sure what to do about the crushing anxiety that I'm having.

Anybody ever been stuck with the cheater as they try to figure out how they are going to get away from you for good? I'm at a loss and don't have any clue what to do...

Simply don’t do the pick me dance .

It never works, it actually helps the cheater not to feel shame and double down on the affair.

Hard 180, consider she is gone because you left her.

Simply tell her, you can sleep with other men, just not as my wife.

And speak no longer.
A traitor to not worthy of your time and attention.

Don’t show her your suffering now, she feeds on it for validation.
Indifference and act like you moved on with your life.

Also check yourself for stds.

I'm making diner tonight and said she could have some if she liked.

Stop this kind of thing. Immediately. Making dinner is what you do for a friend. She’s not your friend. You have a serial unrepentant adulteress. I’m not saying you need to go out and scream at her. Not at all. Read up and implement a hard 180. This is NOT to "punish" her. This is for YOUR good.

Your relationship is now a business transaction. Nothing more. If you haven’t seen an attorney yet, that is your #1 mission right now.

So sorry this is happening. the folks here have walked this path and will be helpful.

Take care of yourself. See your doctor if sleeping and eating are difficult. Get daily exercise- good for your body and your mind. Hydrate and avoid drugs/alcohol. Many of us needed anti-anxiety medication for a little while so talk to your doc if the racing mind continues. No shame is that game.

And she did die - or at least the marriage (M) did. So grieve it.

And please read up on the 180 (look in the healing library and the bullseyed posts a few pages back in the just found out forum). It will give you the detachment you need. Basically, she’s now some random room mate. Not your friend, not your lover. I know this is hard, but it gets easier.

Do you have kids?

Hang in there - you will survive this and thrive.

I understand your devastation and pain.

And inability to know what to do next.

When someone you love treats you like she did, your whole world is up-ended. It’s difficult to know what to do.

But here’s what you don’t want to do. You don’t want to let her continue to treat you terribly. You don’t want to live in the same space indefinitely.

You don’t want to live in limbo. And right now you are in limbo. You are waiting for her to find a place to live.

I think you need to set a deadline. She must be out by X date. You don’t need to be considerate of her another second. In fact, you are being too nice in letting her live with you at the same property.

Start packing her things. Get the ball moving and let her know her time with you is very limited. And it’s not a discussion. It’s the next logical step and it’s not open to negotiation.

Take back your power. Don’t let her call the shots.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I need to thank you in turn, BackfromtheStorm, I'm half-way through the NO SOLICITING so I understand the 'pick me dance'. I'll look up the hard 180 and try to implement as possible.

gr8ful, I know, thank you for reinforcing what I needed to hear. I have trouble getting into the mindset that moving forward is a business transaction but logically, there's no other way.

BearlyBreathing, thanks so much! I don't know why but it didn't cross my mind that my physician may be able to medicate some of the physical discomfort until my brain starts healing and gets out of the panics that it's been having. There were no kids. We had sat next to each other in high school (graduated 90) and went our separate ways to meet again in 2007. I'll definitely look up the 180 because I'm in serious need of detachment from the situation. It is so hard. Thank you for the encouragement!

The1stWife, thank you for pointing out I'm in limbo, I've just been calling it hell and hoping to make it though the night. We do have a plan, I'm going to take a break and go visit a college friend of mine in North Carolina while she finds a place and moves her things out. When I get back, I'll be back on the track to moving forward and moving on with my life.

Thank you again for your kind/tough words! I'll continue to make progress and will report back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:28 PM, Tuesday, May 12th]

So very sorry this is happening! Great advice so far. Always value yourself. Take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise, you have suffered a trauma. Get IC with someone trained in betrayal trauma if available. Implement a hard 180. Detach, detach, detach. Do not engage with her or argue. Become a gray rock. Do not give her ammunition to argue about or hurt you. Learn the response: "I’m sorry you feel that way!" It’s all you need. Be careful when you leave to protect your property and assets. Has she been served with D papers? Have you separated your finances to protect your assets? Have you been tested for STDs? You will get through this and thrive. Good luck.

Running

A lot of advice offered regarding infidelity is confrontational to the point of being argumentative.

I don’t shy from confrontations when required, but I don’t advocate being confrontational simply to be confrontational. There is no score in infidelity, and at the end of the day there isn’t any winner per se.

Like your wife… Simple fact is she is free to decide she doesn’t want this marriage. Or she is free to decide that she wants to be with OM. Short of chaining her in the home you can’t prevent her from seeing OM if that’s what she wants. All you can do is decide if you are going to accept it or not. Yes – it’s in immense bad taste to let you know she’s out by cheating and yes I can fully understand your emotions, anger and disappointment.
But… if this is what she wants and you aren’t willing to share your wife with OM… then divorce is inevitable.
Again – as correctly advised – view this as a business transaction. You just terminated your wife. Just like you might terminate an employee. Right now, it is a severance period. You don’t expect her to work, to make deadlines, complete tasks and sales. You don’t drive past her home in the mornings to make sure she’s awake and doing better at her new job. You simply wait for the severance period to complete, go through the arguments of due-pay and so on and complete the process.

So… Start the process of filing. Learn about divorce in your area, get recommendations for an attorney, evaluate if this needs to go head-on or if meditation is possible (basically – the complexity of assets/debts after a 40 year marriage), talk to the kids about what’s going on and so on.
Tell stakeholders. Not in anger but as a fact. Don’t expect people to take sides, and other than saying "we are divorcing because she has chosen her affair over us" then don’t go allocating blame or bad-mouthing her.

Do your best to be as neutral rather than sad about what’s going on. She’s expecting anger and rage, and that’s what’s going to feed her and justify to her what she’s doing. When she get’s met by determination, calmness and purpose… it’s going to throw a spanner into her plans.

Don’t argue with her about divorce details. That’s about as sensible as two laymen discussing an impeding brain-surgery. That’s what the pros are for. Instead – leave every argument you can because there really isn’t anything to argue over. She has decided to have her lover-boy, and you have decided to not share your wife.

Btw – those earrings? Return them and use the cash to retain an attorney.

These are givens…you can’t make someone loyal. You can’t make someone love you. You have to accept reality and work from there.

Given that this is someone she already had an affair with, I think it’s clear she’s not going to stop cheating w/ him.

She’s not marriage material. I say monogamy is not important to her and this, you know where you stand.

So sorry for you. You deserve better than this.