SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Fairly new here, dday was under 6 months ago, with the trickle truths still coming more or less. Married for nearly 15 years, found out about affairs that started 8 years ago after the birth of my youngest and have been ongoing until dday. These affairs were all digital (allegedly), short term and consisted of 3 dozen women, all married, all via cheating groups, or forums. I am still completely blindsided but what's worse is finding out that the WH I thought wasn't capable of being thoughtful or putting effort apparently had no issues doing this with literally everyone else. This man let me take care of his parent/grandparents running myself ragged while still parenting our children as a full time working professional in a stressful leadership position and managing my declining mental health as a result but he couldn't be bothered to help because he was too busy chasing anyone who would give him attention? We are both in IC and MC but as I look at our relationship I would think someone was delusional if they told me this about their spouse and still felt that this could get better or be salvageable. He's technically doing the right things,and taking accountability but it's still very self centered driven in guilt. I honestly don't know what I am hoping for but reading so many other experiences about these one off affairs I just feel so lonely (not that either is better) I have no idea how to navigate any of this. Thanks for listening

Beachkoala,

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. You have found the best community possible to help you through this.

I’m glad to hear you’re both in IC, as that will help with your mental health. Be sure to take care of your physical health as well, by making sure you eat and stay hydrated. If you can’t sleep, your doctor can prescribe you something.

You and your WH should also get tested for STDs. It’s almost ubiquitous that waywards lie and minimize and given the scope of his infidelity, it seems highly likely that he’s still lying. To get to the truth people often have to resort to written timelines that are backed up by a polygraph test.

You should also consult an attorney so that you can get a picture of the future if you do decide to split up. You can get some dos and don’ts for what to do in the meantime while you decide.

You’re not alone here , and definitely not the only one who’s found their spouses to be serial cheaters.

Under Forums look for I Can Relate. Several places you might find others in a mess too.

Also agree you need to take care of your health. Dr can give you temp meds for anxiety. If you are having trouble eating use a drink like Ensure. The more protein the better.
Stay off booze and any drug except under care of a dr.
Get enough sleep.
Walk or bike to get some of your nervous energy out.
Most important use family and friends and us for support.

Hi koala,

Welcome to the club nobody wants in.

You will heal and grow stronger.

Now, I will just point you a red flag 🚩 and wait for you to process and allow yourself to share your emotions, because that’s the most important part at this stage.

He is not doing the right thing and feeling guilty from what you told.
That is shame, guilt is a very different story. Shame is selfish, there’s no space or healing for you in that.

He is trying to get out of this with a wrist slap from mommy right now. Not feeling horrible for the pain he inflicted by destroying your identity and attachment at the core level of your inner self.

You don’t know how to navigate this, also normal do not worry. You will find the way.

Right now what you need most is to be heard and let all the emotional chaos out where it can be received and understood.
Here is a good place for just that.

I hear you sister.
Is not fine, but it will be.

trickle truths still coming more or less.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

My opinion is that often times it is NOT the affair that kills the marriage but the behavior of the cheater after the affair that kills the marriage. And slowly providing the truth is like a long slow death to any trust or love remaining in the marriage.

I don’t know why cheaters do this. I often think it could be rooted in fear. I wonder if they believe "if my spouse knows this she will D me" as it seems there is a certain mentality that leads to the decision to try to "hide the truth".

It has been suggested that a very frank conversation is needed. Telling the cheating spouse that you are open and willing to hear all the bad news now and move forward. But if you find things out days or weeks or months later, it will have a detrimental effect on the marriage.

I don’t know if it works — as the cheater has to be open to the conversation. But it’s an attempt to stop the hits from continuing IMO.

Please continue to post here as you will get great advice and support.