SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a long while since I've posted but I find myself struggling after several years of something more of an arrangement than R, but it worked. I wasn't worried about her having another A, and we were cordial most of the time. Fast forward, we never went back to MC because fww didn't think it did us any good. Unfortunately I would agree but probably not for the same reasons. Here I am in my 60s reflecting on my life and finding that I'm starting to struggle with everything as if I am going backwards in time closer to d-day. I'm physically sick to my stomach, the mind movies will not stop, my blood pressure is increasing.

I don't believe I can pinpoint a trigger out of the ordinary. I will say that as I am in my golden years reflecting on my life, I have been very blessed, except for this. It's as if I cannot let it go. Any advice for when the world starts spinning in the opposite direction?

Unless you have dementia, memory never go away. The things that happened to you when you were three are still in your memory bank. So your brain is still processing all the stuff that went on, but it’s all under the surface. Something is triggering you and I’m guessing it might be hormones it might be boredom. It might be a change in your relationship. It could be anything. I hope you’ve had a thorough physical exam. You might get your hormones checked to see if you are high or low. Don’t assume that it’s all mental. It might literally be physical. However, you probably never got a resolution that you needed and you have shoved it down over and over again and it won’t stay down. There is in human beings the desire for revenge. That’s the reason we love dogs because they forgive us unconditionally. Human beings do not. We might say we’ve forgiven, we might say we’ve tried to forget, but our good old memory bank is still full. If you are OK physically and your relationship looks the same then you might want to try therapy. And lastly, if you don’t have a hobby that takes up some of your physical energy, you need to find one. I’ve done a lot of studying these last few years and the one thing that just keeps hitting me in the face is the amount of energy a male body generates and often has nowhere to go with it.

I think we also have triggers that are subtle. Maybe she’s wearing a perfume she wore back then, or is acting in a way that is reminiscent of how she acted been then. Like how the smell of a cookie baking can bring you back to your school days… the mind is powerful.

One thing to try is to stop and acknowledge it. Name it, call it out. And then ask if it is happening now or in your past. Your fear center is activated, so you need to remind it that all is well. Tell yourself that that was then, and not now. And all is well now. Try "changing the channel" since there is nothing to fear now.

Have you told your spouse? Are they supporting you? This is like a long lost splinter that has worked its way to the surface and since she put it there, she should support you as it works its way out.

Lastly, things like EMDR can help you process out any residual issues that have been lying dormant if there really is nothing to fear.

Hope you find relief.

I'm fours years out from my ex-wife's affair. I never had the choice to reconcile or not reconcile, as she divorced me soon after I found out. I have thought about it every single day, and I figure I always will. I've been in counseling since it happened. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me, and it just keeps on hurting.

I feel your pain. Unfortunately, I don't have a solution.

It might be that you are in a place where you can now deal with all of it.

Think back to Dday (the day or days you found out) and everything that occurred. You are trying to stop the pain. You do everything possible to stop it.

Seeing as you registered here in 2011, it’s been 15 years and maybe something she said or did (or didn’t do) subconsciously brought it back to life.

Slow down the thoughts. Do you think I she’s cheating again? Is there something that feels familiar about her from the time of the affair?

Are you happy? Are you feeling good about your choice to reconcile?

Are you regretting your decision to reconcile? Did you not get to a place where you have addressed things and now you are feeling frustrated or dissatisfied?

Please maybe consider professional counseling to help you get past this.

Bro! Blast from the past from a good guy! I'm sorry you're struggling, really sorry. If you're in your 60s, all I can counsel is: face your issues. You have them - they don't have you. You can resolve them.

What keeps me going are my passions.

I used to love listening to music. Over the years, I put small Lexus money into my hifi system, and music was immensely right on it for years. Now I can't hear, although my new hearing aids may make music listenable again ... I'm afraid to check it out for fear of hearing crap again.

Sex was a passion; now it's really difficult.

Biking still works, though I'm slower every year. Still - it's a passion I can participate in. I know I might have to stop someday, but it looks like that is a few years out, and it stays a few years out every year. An e-reader has made reading essential and joyous again. Reading is just so much easier when I can sit at home and download books instead of having to get out to a library.

Media ... I have accepted I like TV and movies, and not just the great stuff. I can be very happy farther down the quality ladder than I like to admit. There are even commentators on TV who think critically and creatively and are willing to test out their thinking against reality, commentators who do a lot more than swallow what they're told.

I'm an introvert, so I don't do a lot with other people, but ... if you can't change your arrangement into R, how about making other friends? How about splitting so you're available to someone who will be a lot more compatible? What do you think about processing the pain out of your body - then you will really be able to accept the pain of life and find life's joys.

If none of the above in any of the posts resonate in good ways for you, what would feel good? 'Cause you deserve to feel good.

Something is triggering you and I’m guessing it might be hormones it might be boredom. It might be a change in your relationship. It could be anything. I hope you’ve had a thorough physical exam. You might get your hormones checked to see if you are high or low. Don’t assume that it’s all mental. It might literally be physical.

Now I’m feeling a little stupid… The timing of this struggle correlates with lisdexamfetamine that I was recently prescribed for a mild ADHD condition I didn’t even realize I had. There are some weird correlations with PTSD and ADHD too. Adding the mix from TRT in the last couple of years and trying to control the estrogen conversion must be exacerbating the issues.

Have you told your spouse? Are they supporting you? This is like a long lost splinter that has worked its way to the surface and since she put it there, she should support you as it works its way out.

Lastly, things like EMDR can help you process out any residual issues that have been lying dormant if there really is nothing to fear.

I have not spoken to my fww about this. This is a case where the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I have very little truth and have given up on details. Most days I can handle that, other days its not so much.

I’ll have to talk to an IC about EMDR once I get myself to that point.

I feel your pain. Unfortunately, I don't have a solution.

Hang in there Buckles. You can tell by the signature line that I’ve been around here for a while. It took me a LONG time to get to a point where I felt like I was as "normal’ as I would ever be. After seeing the replies, I am convinced this is actually hormonal for me. It might be worth your time to go see a doctor too. Whatever we can do to move on as individuals. We can’t change the past, but we can affect the future. I hope you find your peace soon as well.

Slow down the thoughts. Do you think I she’s cheating again? Is there something that feels familiar about her from the time of the affair?

Are you happy? Are you feeling good about your choice to reconcile?

Are you regretting your decision to reconcile? Did you not get to a place where you have addressed things and now you are feeling frustrated or dissatisfied?

Please maybe consider professional counseling to help you get past this.

I don’t "think" she is cheating again, but I didn’t think she was when she actually was. I am not as happy as I’d like to be. She changed jobs and is around a bunch of men every day. I gave up trying to babysit so I don’t try to manage her life. I don’t have the energy and that was a huge step for my sanity a few years back. Back in the "days" she was very critical of me and always trying to start arguments out of thin air. I always suspected that was her way to create justification.

Happy, yes with the arrangement most of the times, sad with a failed marriage and an empty heart. And, I have different financial goals for retirement, as in I would like to. Her, she couldn’t save a dime if it fell in a bucket of cement. That is a huge stress point for me right now.

If none of the above in any of the posts resonate in good ways for you, what would feel good? 'Cause you deserve to feel good.

Sisoon! I think I need to get this hormone thing on track and then move on to IC. I’ve been pushing my career and other passions along the best I can. There are a lot of other great things that have happened in my life and I am very grateful. This one was just very troubling. I plan to speak with IC as well about telling my adult children just the basic predicament, so they understand. So speaking of feeling good, I just want to de-stress my life as much as possible.

I’m working on trying to be the best version of myself on life’s final lap, so I am really glad I posted and very thankful for all the replies.