SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like Oldwounds, the main reason I'm still on SI is that I think I have something useful to say to people who have been hit by infidelity - namely: 1) one can live a good life after being betrayed (or betraying, too, for that matter); 2) the BS's best approach in almost all cases is to take control of their own life and their own power; 3) if one can't find their power, get help, because everybody has power, but sometimes they need help finding and enhancing it.

I agree wholeheartedly that a BS's best approach is to consider both D and R. Their best bet especially is to put aside all preconceptions and deal with the facts on the ground, including the fact that they probably have multiple options, and not to act on the basis os previous experience or reflexes. The BS's best approach includes choosing their actions mindfully and to the extent possible, choosing their own timing.

My basic point is that even if you reconcile (and I am a strong advocate of divorce, I think it is the better option for most people) there are gonna be times when you are triggered or feel down or the memories come back, often around holidays and milestones (birthdays, anniversaries) and people often blame themselves for feeling this way. Like they expect to have recovered completely, and there be no negative feelings or no regrets or anger. It's almost like they expect the recon to have wiped out the entire affair and aftermath and everything is hunky dory, and if it isn't, it's the Betrayed Spouse's fault for not forgiving enough or accepting enough, or maturing enough, or however people want to put it, I often see it expressed, to me, as a lack in the BS or some kind of failing or problem.

IMO, there's a big difference between blaming the victim and placing responsibility for solving a problem where it belongs. If a BS posts, the problem isn't the cheater's, even though the cheater is the failed partner and the failed human being. The poster is the only person who can solve the problem. They can't change their WS. They can't change their sitch except by changing themself. Many BSes come to SI without knowing that.

Reportedly there are WS forums, and WSes reportedly claim their problem is that their ap hasn't done what they promised to do. It's the WS who's posting, though, so it's the WS's problem, and only they can solve it.

Often BSes start by blaming themselves, at least in these pages. Blame isn't an issue, and blame rarely helps.

The issues, especially when BSes post long after d-day and/or after periods of apparent emotional contentment, generally come from unresolved feelings - but that's just a metaphor that makes sense to me and many others.

But I do think that the vast majority of folks who bring up problems are saying they have the problem, and that means to me that they - not someone else - have to resolve the problem the best they can.

*****

Also, I believe there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I especially disagree that leaving or actually D'ing quickly is much of a solution to the BS's pain. Leaving may give some immediate relief, but I believe leaving gives permanent relief only if the BS processes their pain out of their body.

But those ideas follow naturally from my basic belief: the person who complains of the problem is the one who has the problem and is the only on who can solve it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:37 PM, Saturday, March 21st]

On an important side note. You wrote in your original response to my post something that stung deeply. Not because it was unkind but because it forced me to address an issue I had been purposely ignoring. I thought it was important enough to make it its own post. I quote you there, but I did not know if it was within the guidelines of the site and okay with you to show your name so I left it blank. But your statement really struck a major chord and the vibration of it was painful as hell. (And honesty, I’m thankful.)

I'm not sure what that was, Asterisk, I'd have to go back and check. But it's always okay to quote me, I'm very blunt and direct. I'm the bull in the china shop. I don't mean to hurt anyone, certainly not you, but I often feel like it's easier to just cut to the chase. People, to me, anyway, seem to dance around issues, where I prefer to just nail it down and take a look. I don't mean to be hurtful but sometimes I think it's just better to look at painful things directly and try to get them over with rather than letting them linger and fester. It might anger people occasionally, but that's okay, anger is genuine and I'd rather build on the reality it discloses than making everything comfortable and fake.

So, my apologies if I hurt you in any way, I think you can see that was not my intent, and if I said something helpful, I'm glad. That is my major intent here, to be useful if I can. As an old person in mediocre health, I want to feel like I can impart something useful to others, what else is the point of being here. And you're right, of course, you and I see the world very differently and that's what makes it interesting, otherwise we'd all bore the shit out of each other.

OldWounds,

Some days, I think maybe it is my last time I log on.

I understand this thought and would support anyone who did so, but I’ll be honest and say it would be a grave loss to those of us who are new to the site. I expand that belief of loss to other long-haulers here as well. You, and they have been invaluable to my growth and change of processing methods. You and they have imparted to me new ideas of how to walk this path without always looking in the review mirror and interesting not looking way out into the future, fearing what might happen. You and they shared with me the importance of being mindful, a word that was not in my vocabulary until mentioned to me here. I’ve spent many hours looking into what the hell "being mindful" meant and the payoff is I now attempt to be mindful of this moment in time. (often failing but then returning to the present.) There are many, many other nuggets of golden truth that have been supplied to me. Some stung me to the core, some reassured my vanquished heart, but all helped smooth and shortened the pathway of this journey.

Asterisk

Sisson,

I'm still on SI is that I think I have something useful to say to people who have been hit by infidelity - namely: 1) one can live a good life after being betrayed (or betraying, too, for that matter); 2) the BS's best approach in almost all cases is to take control of their own life and their own power; 3) if one can't find their power, get help, because everybody has power, but sometimes they need help finding and enhancing it.

As I wrote to Oldwounds, I found reassurance in what you have generously shared with me in past posts. I have struggled over the past few months not to re-descend into that pit of despair that I fell into, or maybe better said, was pushed into, over 3 decades ago. Your second point is, to me, the most valuable. The importance of taking control of one’s own life is impowering.

IMO, there's a big difference between blaming the victim and placing responsibility for solving a problem where it belongs.

Yes, yes, shame blaming anyone, betrayed, wayward and I’ll add, affair partners, is a weighty load to carry. I’ve stated plainly that my wife is an easy target that I refuse to take aim at. At the same time, I have never excused her poorly conceived decisions concerning infidelity. Though she is 100% responsible for her actions, I took the approach on D-day that things do not happen in a vacuum and that it was imperative that I look in the mirror that I was asking (demanding) that she stop and review her reflection.

I especially disagree that leaving or actually D'ing quickly is much of a solution to the BS's pain.

If I left the impression that I thought a betrayed spouse could avoid the pain by quickly divorcing, then I have arranged my words poorly. There is NO escaping the pain, one must push through it and come out the other side wiser and hopefully happier.

Asterisk

BondJaneBond,

I'm not sure what that was, Asterisk

Can they change? Perhaps, but I think actual change is rare. If the stars align again and temptation presents itself, the possibility exists that they can do this again because...it's already been a reality.

That really set me back onto my heels forcing me to ponder my approach here at SI. There is a deeper explanation on my other post in the reconciliation forum called "Trickle Truth from a Betrayed". I’ve not been fully honest and your thoughts in the quote above gave me reason to reevaluate, not my position, but my approach.

I'm very blunt and direct. I'm the bull in the china shop. I don't mean to hurt anyone, certainly not you,...

And I admire your bluntness and am not asking for you to become a lamb in the China shop. I’m not sure if you heard me when I said I was thankful for your directness. I am absolutely clear that you and no one else here, wants to cause me or anyone else additional pain. That all said, the issue of infidelity cannot be discussed without pain being part of the equation. Please know, I welcome your ideas. I may approach my journey from a different perspective but not necessarily from a better one.

So, my apologies if I hurt you in any way, I think you can see that was not my intent...

It is important that I restate that you have nothing to apologize to me for. And you are correct I do know your intent is (and is) to be supportive and helpful. I welcome your prospectives, especially those that sting for that is a sign to me, that I have some more work to do..

Asterisk