SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just as the title states . My wife has been forth coming with some information but I find it hard to believe. She says she doesn't believe he had feelings for her which I also doubt. Is it worth contacting my wife's AP at this point ? I'm only 4-5 days past D-day and my mind is spiraling.

If you need to take some time to get some stability under your feet, then definitely do so.

You will be given several reasons to inform the Other Betrayed Spouse, but the one that resonated most with me is that I believe strongly in a person's agency. Your wife inserted herself into the OBS's marriage without her permission, and most likely, she still doesn't know the truth. Right now, with the information that you have at hand, 3 of the 4 integral people know what has happened. That 4th person has every right to know what has been going on in her own life.

That is why I will almost always encourage telling the OBS. I believe that it should be done compassionately and respectfully. Inform her of only what you know, not what you suspect, and let her draw her own conclusions. She may not wish to speak to you again; she may ask to converse with you to share information so she can make as complete a picture as possible. Either way, she will no longer be in the dark.

What advantage is there for him to tell the truth?
Why expect the truth from someone that doesn’t respect you?
What damage can he cause by telling you whatever he wants to tell you?
What are you going to do if there are discrepancies? Whom do you believe?

Like... if he says they met 10 times for sex, and your wife says it was only twice?
Like... if he tells you how she squealed and moaned and called him the best lover ever.
Like... if he says your wife called you micropenis.

IMHO there is so much more to lose, and so little to gain, from talking to the OP.

Now... if you could talk to his wife... another matter altogether.

BTW – what assurances do you have that they are not in contact?

And the 2nd chance, but no third stance... does that also apply to the self-admitted abuse you showed your wife?

I really don't see any positives for contacting a spouse's AP. You'll never know if you get the truth, and frankly I'm not sure if I could refrain from breaking fingers and facial bones.

Even if he says "No, I didn't catch feelings her," then what? Are you going to think "Phew, at least he only used her for sex. I feel so much better now?" I doubt it. You're still very fresh and reeling right now, grasping at anything to make sense of it. I wanted to know how deep my wife was in, and only she could answer that. Getting the truth is another matter, but if she wanted to remain married to me it was a prerequisite. Between her words and the communications I saw between her and her friends I'm pretty confident I got that. I couldn't give a shit about how her AP felt. If anything, I hope her kicking him to the curb destroyed him.

I do think contacting the OBS is the right thing to do. His wife deserves to know. You deserved to know, right? How would you feel if she knew first and didn't attempt to warn or inform you? It's the right thing to do for her, and if it makes AP's life hell and gets him permanently out of your WW's life that's just icing on the cake, imo.

I'm sorry you qualify for membership here. Just know that you can heal. Life can be good again.

At this point, I think you best bet is to take care of yourself- drink water, no drugs, eat and sleep if you can, attend to your feelings, think about what you might want, move your body, give yourself time to process your WS's A. When I'm hurt or sick, I like to withdraw and marshal my resources. My reco is to do what you normally do when you're hurt or sick, unless it includes drugs - drugs provide false release.

At this point, it's normal to be disoriented in major ways.

Not many people get good info from aps. Even if they're single, they helped someone cheat. If they're not single, they've lied and cheated, too. Especially if they've lied to themself, it just seems likely that the ap will lie to you, IMO.

Bigger wrote:

And the 2nd chance, but no third stance... does that also apply to the self-admitted abuse you showed your wife?

I'm wondering about this as well. How are you handling yourself with her during this tumultuous time? I hope you've done the work to change and stop with the verbal and emotional abuse. If you were doing that pre-affair, how are things post-affair?

You'll see pretty much everyone say there's no excuse for infidelity, and I agree. You'll also see us say there's never an excuse for abuse either. Even with an affair. I was furious. I ranted. I raised my voice. I let my feelings be known, but I did not resort to name-calling, threats, harassment, or emotional abuse. You need to, more now than ever, rein that in and stay in control of yourself. If you're still abusive I would advise your wife to leave.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing now, I have no idea, but I hope not. Infidelity is not a green light for cruelty or abuse. You're still responsible for your own actions.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:52 PM, Sunday, March 8th]

I need to make clear , her AP is younger then she is and single. No marriage or family to destroy on his end , just ours 😭

Also , the anger and abuse I have caused which is self admitted, has been controlled. I used to fly off the handle on a whim. Between quitting drinking , anger management and my independent therepy which I am doing , I have learned to control myself in very good ways. I will say with full truth , hand on the Bible , I have not shown my wife ahy abuse. Maybe asked her too many questions in the last 4 days for her comfort , but I have asked everything with respect. I haven't raised my voice , haven't name called at all or degraded her for her choices. I don't agree for a single second with what she has done but I'm really pushing to be the better person here. My kids are always within ear shot and I don't want them seeing or hearing the old version of there dad. Regardless we work out or don't , I don't want my final days to be of disrespect or abuse , I want them to be respectful, understanding and as calm as I can be. Even if it doesn't work out , I would feel better knowing I was respectful and kind until the end. I do think my wife is waiting for me to explode , but right now I don't see that as a possibility and maybe it's stupid but I bought a professional punching bag today to put in my garage . The garage is seperate from the house and has a good stereo to drown out anything so if I do feel anger coming on I need to release, I'll be in the garage punching it out on the bag . My family doesn't deserve the old version of me back. I want to consider the old version of me as dead as what our old marriage is now.

Mustang30685 wrote:

I need to make clear , her AP is younger then she is and single. No marriage or family to destroy on his end , just ours 😭

My wife's AP was single also, which just made it worse. The prick could have hit on anyone he wanted that was single.

So there's no OBS to contact then. That said, I don't think you contacting him will produce anything productive or constructive. I understand how you feel right now, tho. Sorry you're in this boat. It sucks.

I'm almost a year out, and things are better. The pain is still present, but not as pronounced, and the mental images and mind movies have calmed down quite a bit. I can make it through a day now without dwelling on it. You'll feel better with time. It just takes longer than anyone of us wants it to.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:00 PM, Sunday, March 8th]

Mustang30685 wrote:

Also , the anger and abuse I have caused which is self admitted, has been controlled. I used to fly off the handle on a whim. Between quitting drinking , anger management and my independent therepy which I am doing , I have learned to control myself in very good ways. I will say with full truth , hand on the Bible , I have not shown my wife ahy abuse. Maybe asked her too many questions in the last 4 days for her comfort , but I have asked everything with respect. I haven't raised my voice , haven't name called at all or degraded her for her choices. I don't agree for a single second with what she has done but I'm really pushing to be the better person here.

Good man. That's what I was hoping to see.

Stay strong, stay in control, and don't slip into that again. I hope you guys can work it out if thats what you both want, but it's gonna be a long, bumpy road, and infidelity is pretty rage inducing. Stay in control of yourself and continue handling this like the better man you're working to be. I know this is hard. Boy, do I know. That's why, given your history, I raised some concerns.

I think anybody would and should raise concerns about my past and the effect in my household now. I can appreciate that and welcome that . So right now it's day by day. To be honest , with my wife's mental issues she is working through, she is very hard to read . I truly don't even know if she wants to be with me anymore or not. It's truly a struggle. If she is doing it for me and the kids or if she truly still does want us to survive. She keeps talking how she can't afford to be by herself and how she could end up homeless etc etc. I'm in a position with a good job where I could buy her out of the home but right now I don't want to even think about that road. I just don't want to be a paycheck and know she didn't want the marriage and stayed in it for comfort. I made that very clear to her already in the last 48 hours That I won't be a backup, a runner up or a choice . I'm not going to accept the feeling I've had the last 2 years of having to compete with her. I told her to cut contact with this guy and she said she has done That, time and her actions will truly show the story going forward. Just sucks to feel how I feel. Having my own issues and underlying marriage issues , this just feels like 2 step forward 20 steps back and I'm heartbroken .

I had an ex do this to me in college , I told my wife flat out leave me before you cheat and she knew the whole story , what I went through and why I felt like That and low and behold , she didn't .

IMO?, no it’s not worth it.

I’ve never heard of an AP being honest when it comes to offering information, they tend to lie….a lot, it also makes them feel powerful I think too, you are going to them and they have something that you want (information).

Also keep in mind that your wife’s story is her lived experience and the AP’s story will be his, they could be completely different because of the things they tell themselves and honestly that can be mind blowing for you.

The only person you need to talk to is your wife, if there’s something you need confirming that you think is something you can’t live with then I’d suggest having her take a polygraph.

I’m so sorry that you’re here, take good care of yourself.

Mustang,

I am fine with everyone and anyone that is improving their lives.
A great first step is acknowledging one’s shortcomings and failings, and then working with intent to fix them, change and make amends.

I’m a former cop, and domestic violence was what maybe shocked me the most. It’s something I am really passionate about. Great to hear you are dealing with your issues.

However... Be constantly 100% aware that no matter what you did or how you behaved in the marriage it leaves you with absolutely NO accountability for her decision to cheat.

The punching bag is a great idea to release your built up emotions. Use it. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for quite a while. It’s something you just have to go through. Time will help. I took the high road as well and you will look back and be glad you did. This is a great place to vent. Keep posting.

The AP is someone to be avoided.

Because until you are in complete control of your emotions (and you are not) chances you rip him apart are high.
He already destroyed your relationship, do you really want to take the risk to destroy your life?

Not that I care for the well being of a worm, but a worm is not worthy what it can happen.
There will be no justice from betrayal nor retribution, you will feel it, so avoid.

You life is worth more than this parasite.

I think the only time you see useful information come from the AP is when the wayward lies to them about relationship status. Telling them they’re separated or going through divorce or outright single.

Not the case here. That leaves you with your WW as your main source of information. Give her a copy of Joseph’s letter from the healing library here. You can edit it to fit your situation and you may also want to remove anything that leads to this site if you want to keep it as a safe space. Then tell her you need a written timeline of her affair that includes any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. After it’s done tell her it will be verified by polygraph and ask her if she needs to make any changes. Even if that provokes more details follow through on the polygraph.

I don't see how you would benefit talking to him because even if he does talk to you he'll probably just tell you what he thinks you want to hear just to make you go away and after the conversation you will mull it over and over and over trying to decide if what he said is the truth or lies or combination

I had a face-to-face conversation with my wife's AP four days after D-Day. I went to the school they work at and had a 20 minute conversation with him. The goal of my conversation was to see the devastation an affair causes and I hope it would get him to change his ways so that another husband wouldn't go through what I was currently going through. And hopefully he would stop fooling around on his wife.

But he just stood there listening probably hoping that I went away quietly so that it didn't get back to the school administration or his wife or his CO in the police department. But my words fell upon deaf ears because after my wife he moved on to the social worker and ended up banging her in his car and on her desk, in the school, while school was in session.

And this happened after I told his wife what was going on. Turns out this was his third known affair. I have talked to his wife several times in after she found out about this latest she swore she was divorcing him and then she went radio silent so I think I have figured out that no matter what he does she has this mental need for him that overrides anything he does and he knows it so he will just continue on

My suggestion is you do not talk to him because I only see it hurting you especially if he is just very nonchalant about what you are going through

[This message edited by WB1340 at 7:49 PM, Monday, March 9th]

Mustang,

In my case it was, they tell some truth even when they lie.

More data is better data.

I arranged for my WW to "accidentally" meet OM about 30 years after the affair and it was very telling for me. I was off to the side watching.

I also spoke to OM a year after that.

You might also try to contact OM posing as your WW, you can even do this 5 years from now, or when he is married even better time to blow his world up.

Save your evidence.

Even if he's single you can contact his parents grand parents siblings and etc.