SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We haven't even filed the paperwork yet, and he's ready to put himself out there. I mean, I figured this was coming eventually, and he told me in order to be honest/transparent about it, which okay, I'm glad for that, but wow, that was quick! Or at least it feels quick to me. Barely 6 months since he was fighting hard against the idea of divorce.

I always figured he'd be ready to date much sooner than me. He was in love with his AP and had nearly 3 year relationship with her, so he has recent experience with all that, unlike me who has had no feelings for anyone but him in 30+ years. Never mind the damage from having my entire reality destroyed. Honestly, right now, I don't want to date anyone and can't see myself becoming interested in it, but I know better than to say never.

I suspect he's been thinking about it or had met someone, because the other week he made a comment about how he's been "socializing a lot - with men, mainly, for now" or something like that, which clued me in that he must be thinking about women. I guess some part of me hoped he'd wait until we were further into the process, especially since we just told our daughter about his cheating a couple weeks ago, or that he'd remain single as evidence of being a changed person.

Ugh, this is why I dislike having hopes. They are continually dashed.

It goes to show that he is just trying to fill an empty hole in himself. And since he has not improved himself, it’s going to be a shitshow.

And yeah, totally sucks. But in a way dashed hopes like this will help to reinforce your resolve when you have those moments of doubt.

Sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:26 PM, Wednesday, January 21st]

Thanks, BearlyBreathing. You are right about him still dealing with that hole. I'm sure he's also just horny. /facepalm

I do worry that the shitshow will affect the divorce, but hey, I'm the one retaining a lawyer (so far). Still, it would be a waste of money and emotional energy if it turns into a fight.

My dad asked a while back what would happen if stbx remarries and whether our kid would still inherit our house, etc., and if there's any way to protect that for her. In a few months, it won't be my house anymore, and half the joint wealth will be his. I know I can't control what stbx does in the future (and there's no legal way to guarantee any kind of inheritance), but I really didn't think my dad's worries would be something I had to actively consider so soon! Sometimes I wonder if I should've put up with the marriage for our kid's sake for these kinds of reasons, but when I try to imagine it, I know it would've been unhealthy for me.

Try rephrasing and thereby maybe rethinking his statement:
I want to start dating

Instead of hearing this as some nail in the coffin of your marriage, as something that is killing off all hope, then rephrase it to:
I want to start dating, thereby confirming your decision that divorce was the only sensible and logical path forwards for you

And instead of thinking "there goes my last hope" think "Thank God for this confirmation that my decision is correct".

It’s a mental exercise. It’s like if you are caught out in the rain, you have a choice of being grumpy and all sad about getting wet, or skip along towards the next shelter while belting out "I’m singing in the rain". In both instances you eventually might get out of the rain, in both instances equally wet, but do so skipping and dancing and you might feel a little bit better.

--
Regarding the divorce. Don’t stall. Have your attorney set the pace – be it with instructions for you to carry on to WH or be it with formal letters and filing.
The 50/50 rule does NOT mean that he get’s half the house and you get half. You won’t take a chainsaw to the cars and you get the FO and he the RD. What it means is that the VALUE of all assets is calculated, the amount of ALL debt calculated, and the two of you leave with equivalent value in both.
Present day value can be hard to calculate. For example: if you have 100k in retirement it might only be worth 50k after taxes and early-withdrawal fees. At the same time, it could be calculated as 200k if left to grow for a decade. This is where an attorney can step in – finding ways to minimize items that are of value to you, and maximizing items you are less inclined to hold on to.

I want to second what Bigger said. I truly do see it as a blessing that my STBX started openly dating and stuff again as soon as I said I was done. Even before she moved out. She ensured I have no lingering, "what if" type thoughts of maybe if I gave a little more time she'd change. Nope. She's the same person, and she finally took the mask completely off. If she had like stayed single, taken time to heal from stuff and mourn the loss of our marriage, it might make me think she was changing and maybe I bailed out just a minute too soon after all the work and hell I've gone through since I became a part of this club. But she went right back to her married boyfriend and proved to me she is exactly who she is.

Bigger and 1345Marine, you are so right. At some level, I was looking for proof that he still loved me, as he claimed until not too long ago, but both in actions and words, he is telling me that's no longer true. I question whether it has been true at all since his LTA.

1345Marine, as you said, I was thinking that if he showed certain behavior, it would mean he's changed, and although I'm not attracted to him now, it would at least leave the possibility open in the future. His behavior the past few months was already pushing me away. This might well be the final nail in the coffin.

I will try to remind myself that he's doing me a favor. Regarding the divorce paperwork, I have been setting the pace, and my lawyer has reviewed the settlement agreement, and we're nearly done revising it. I'm hoping we can get it filed in 2-3 weeks, but then we have to wait for the judgement to do things like divide up the IRAs and transfer the house title.

Ugh, I'm so ready for all of this to be behind me.

If I were you and your husband said he wanted to start dating, I would have a hard time resisting the urge to say "And when did you stop?"

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:29 AM, Friday, January 23rd]

Lol, Bluer!

I think he'd say that he stopped from 2023-2025, but I'm having such mental whiplash at him being ready to move on from me after so much begging and crying last year.

In a way, this reminds me of my experience in 2021 with becoming disabled. I kept cutting back on what I could do, thinking "Okay, this is low enough, now I'll be stable." And then I'd have another big crash and have to cut back more. It took me almost a year to find my true baseline. Similarly, every time I think I can't be more disappointed by stbx, it turns out that I can! I wonder where the bottom really lies.

It is *wild* to think I had such a different understanding of who he is in my head for 30+ years. Or maybe he really has changed, but not for the better. I don't know, but it has shaken my confidence in my understanding of people and life in general. Every time I think about giving advice to my teenaged daughter, I second guess it. Who am I to claim I know anything about anything when I was so wrong about the person closest to me?