SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sorry for your pain and trauma that you are dealing with.

Unless the boss forced your wife into this affair such as threatening her job or doing things against her will — she was a very willing participant for the past 6 months in having this affair.

You asked about Reconciliation.

Your wife needs to show remorse and should be willing to do anything to restore the trust in your marriage. It will take YEARS but she has to be willing to make the commitment to do whatever it takes.

She needs to quit her job. Immediately.

She needs to be willing to answer your questions and discuss the affair and that includes taking 100% responsibility for the affair. She needs to admit YOU have no part in her decision to cheat.

Your wife is not a victim. She is an adult who willingly engaged with another man. He didn't force her, she wasn't tied down, she did it because she wanted to and I know that is a harsh sentence to read but it is the truth

I'm guessing it's love that is telling your brain that somehow this is not 100% your wife's fault, but it is. The first time he said something inappropriate she had the ability to stop him in his tracks but she didn't.

It probably happened the same way most Affairs happen at work, casual conversation about what you did this weekend turned into maybe complaining about being unhappy with your partner which progressed into the first innuendo being spoken which was answered with an innuendo or a smile or a laugh and it escalates from there

Your wife made the conscious decision to violate the sanctity of your relationship for purely selfish reasons, giving zero thought to the horrible consequences of her actions. She enjoyed the excitement of the affair yet maintained the Safety and Security that you provided so for her she had the best of both worlds but married people can't have both

Your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a very long time and this is normal and you just have to ride it out but please believe me in time it slowly gets better. Eventually the tears slow and then stop, eventually the rage and anger and sadness and despair slowly minimize

It took me several months before I felt like my feet were back on Solid Ground, my head was clear, and I had confidence in my thoughts and decisions

If feasible I would make the demand that she leaves the job immediately. I wish I had that option but my wife's job provided the health insurance for our family so I had to deal with her leaving everyday going to work knowing her AP was there. Because I am a man who Treasures his children's well-being I had to just deal with that because it was in my children's best interest

Now, just because she leaves that job doesn't mean she won't have another affair at a new job and that's where the IC comes in. Your wife is broken and she has to be willing to do anything to fix herself, regardless of how long it takes, if she truly values the relationship and is willing to do anything to repair it

At one point early on my wife said placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault to which I replied I am not at fault, this is 100% on you. She tried to come back with all those years you didn't talk to me, you don't think this is partly your fault and I said no. I said years ago I asked you to go to MC with me so we can learn to communicate better and you were adamantly against the idea so I went to IC to learn how to communicate better, I tried bringing that home to you, but every time I tried to talk to you about a problem you just folded your arms, shut down inside, and responded with anger so no, this is 100% your fault. It took her months to finally be able to say the affair was 100% her fault and our R was stalled until she said this

Stay strong and reach out to us for support as often as you need. All of us understand because unfortunately we've been there

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:04 PM, Monday, January 19th]

My question for the forum is, for those that have seen progress or success in R, what does that look like?

No more lies, new job, taking responsibility for A, changing from cheater to good partner....

Also,b what are some hard lines or red flags to look out for in the process leading up to a R.

Blaming your for the A ('blameshifting'), TT (trickle-truthing - hilding the truth bacj to protect herself while claiming it's to protect you), minimizing, rug-sweeping (moving on without addressing her issues and without giving you time to process your anger, fear, grief, shame, etc.), refusing IC.

Divorce is very much still a possibility.

Good. You're 2 autonomous human beings. You both have choics and the power to choose.

BTW, for many of us, the lies are the most hurtful aspect of an A.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:07 PM, Monday, January 19th]

My question for the forum is, for those that have seen progress or success in R, what does that look like?

Look up the user named Pogre. Read all of his posts on how his wife is acting now, and has been sustaining it. There you will see what true remorse looks like. I’m sorry to report, that kind of response is very rare. Yes, it happens, but that doesn’t change the statistics.

You must first realize it will take 2-5 *years* just for you to RECOVER. That does NOT mean reconciliation. Recovery is the long amount of time it takes to adjust to your new world, where your reality has been utterly shattered by the willful choices & actions of betrayal your wife is guilty of. You thought your wife was X, and in an instant you’re utterly shocked to see your wife is in reality a person you don’t know. Actual successful RECONCILIATION, if it actually occurs, is a LIFELONG process. Not only do YOU need to understand that, your wife MUST be 100% on board with the very hard truth that even if you stay together, your marriage will NEVER be the same, and that her efforts MUST stretch forward FOR ALL TIME. If she’s not immediately onboard with that sobering reality, you have nothing to work with.

But here’s where it’s even harder: many adulterous spouses will at first promise almost anything while they’re in damage control mode, when their quality of life is threatened or some other selfish reason. It’s only watching her ACTIONS, over a PROLONGED period of time, will you even begin to see whether there’s even a CHANCE at true reconciliation. Ofttimes the mask will slip, and the adulterer will reveal their true self when months later they ask "Are you not over this yet?", "I made the choice to stay with you, isn’t that good enough?", "Do we really have to talk about this again?". etc.

Unless you see your wife doing what Pogre’s wife is doing, you have nothing to work with.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 6:17 PM, Monday, January 19th]

Sadguy,

All to follow is based on my experience, reading, and what my cheating wife has told me (which perhaps shouldn’t be believed). And thus may only apply to me and not a single other person on planet Earth.

Imagine with me, if you will, an attractive co-worker. You two have worked together for a while now, and have come to know each other, a little bit. You like her, and think she likes you.

But one day, unexpectedly and while no one is around, she comes up behind you, puts her arms around you, presses against you, and whispers in your ear, "Let’s get lunch." You feel her breasts smooshed against you, her warmth.

What happens?

Well, if you’re me, it’s an immediate erection. Does this mean I’m going to have sex with her, I want to have sex with her, I’ve been thinking about having sex with her, fantasizing about her?

It might mean all of those things. But it might mean none of them.

I figure I’ve had about 100,000 erections in my life. I’ve had sex maybe 2,000 times. This means my penis has gotten it wrong, been overly optimistic, 98% of the time. 98%! You’d think the thing would learn. It must be terribly disappointed with the rest of me; just can’t close the deal.

Why does a woman’s breasts against me trigger an erection, desire, arousal? I don’t know; it’s just the way I’m wired.

But in my example, while the little head down there is all in, the big head, on top of my shoulders, is in conflict.

The reptilian part of my brain (the majority of it, I suspect) is yelling, "Do it, Do it, Do it."

But what I’ll call the intelligent part of my brain (a tiny bit, I’m afraid), my character, morals, integrity, honesty, will power, love for my wife, is also yelling, "No way."

And the intelligent part wins. I tell her, "Thanks, but no thanks." And I start thinking about limiting my contact with her.

I think an analogous thing happens with some women. When they sense they are desired, are being hunted, the equivalent of an erection happens, arousal, and desire. And the same battle between the reptilian and intelligent parts of their brain occurs.

In your wife’s case, the reptilian prevailed. The dopamine shots were too great for the intelligence to overcome.

Was that because her character is weak? Was it because her dna wired her for huge dopamine shots? Who knows.

Now, the aftermath.

There are two important questions.

The first is, how do you feel safe with her going forward. You don’t want to live your life worrying she’ll do this again, that she’ll leave you, wondering why she’s late from work, nervous when she goes to lunch with the girls.

Number one, she has to get away from the dopamine shots; she has to get away from this man who is hunting her. New job, absolutely no contact of any type.

And she has to avoid dopamine shots in the future. You already know which side of her brain wins that battle. This means limited contact with other men. No lunches with colleagues. No chatting with the neighbor, or the little league coach. She won’t like this, it’s demeaning, but it has to be.

Number two, maybe she can strengthen the intelligent side. Maybe this experience, seeing the consequences of her cheating, what she might be losing, will do that. Maybe therapy, to find and repair the holes in her psyche.

And the second important question; the tough one.

I said above that one of the factors that would strengthen the intelligent side of my brain, was love for my wife.

But I wonder why my wife didn’t have enough love for me to resist. And maybe you wonder that about your wife.

A lot of experts say that cheating wives are more likely to have left the relationship, and they often don’t come back. They blame their husbands for forcing them to cheat by not meeting their physical or emotional needs. And they despise their husbands for this. No one wants to be the villain in their own story.

They may physically stay, for the kids, finances, security, religion, reputation etc., but not for love.

Having said all that, there are examples of cheating wives who have reconciled on this site.

But it never happened for my wife and I.

Best wishes.

Sadnanxious - yes it's very common for superiors to prey on their juniors. I've experienced it several times and seen it several times. Reported it for myself and others - one intern of mine had her boobs grabbed in the elevator, she was hysterical when she saw me. I went right down to HR and raised hell. They did nothing. Unfortunately that often happens. For me, NO was usually enough but I had to report one to HR (these were different jobs)and they DID do something (I think he had priors). So it varies. It's not that I'm so breathtaking....it's that this is very common. It's about power. I've seen women, and even 1 guy who said yes, and it was always about power. So when I see someone who is having it on with the boss, it's because they want something. It may be something that the partner can't give on the job - like raises, promotions, benefits, things that are not only financial but that support the ego. A lot of it is about self esteem and the ego - the boss chose ME - I'm special.

SadGuy, I hope it works out for you, but I warn you against being too optimistic or trusting because I suspect there are things here that you don't know. I don't think you really know your wife. You have to really understand WHY she did this....and why she wouldn't do it again. If you never really understand why, and she doesn't correct the need for that, then this could crop up again with someone else...and no, these guys are not preying on someone or bullying her. They're testing the waters until they got a bite. He got a bite for some reason....you need to know why. She has to be honest about her own motives as to why she allowed this to happen and why she wanted it and kept it going for SIX MONTHS. She probably is also covering her tracks because people at work know about this - they usually do. We could see it. She should not be working at this job or ever see this guy again. There should be things she should give up to try to win you back again and convince you that she is the person you used to think she was. Because right now you don't know who she is and you have to find out. To me, that is perhaps the worst part of cheating.....you think you know someone inside and out, like you know the palm of your own hand, and then something like this happens, you would never expect it, never think they could do this, I know I was shocked - my husband didn't seem like the "type" but....you don't know them. When this comes out, you don't really know them, and I don't know if you can get back to that point where....you really feel like you do again. After 10 years, I still don't have full faith in my husband. I stayed out of financial necessity and health issues - people do stay for practical reasons, but they have to be aware of the possibilities.

It's been 5 days of non stop crying and anger. My wife has been with me and next to me the whole time. I've abused her verbally and show a sad shell of a version of myself. I'm even ashamed of that. But she won't leave my side, and keeps telling me that she is willing to do everything and put me first. She's been consistent. She's made an IC appointment. Phone passwords are availed. I don't trust her and have wavered back and forth on whether I can take this journey on or not. I've told her I want a divorce and she deftly explains why it's premature. I've been cold and combative and she remains and listens. Her remorse and tears are daily. I'm trying to navigate...

Give yourself time to heal. You’ve suffered a real trauma. Become stronger for you. Her not being defensive as you travel the emotional rollercoaster is a good step. Watch her actions. Is she removing herself from the workplace near her AP? Is she being transparent with her phone and devices? Is she answering your questions about her A? Watch her actions not her words.

For you, exercise and pursue your activities. Get checked for STD’s. Understand that you will be fine regardless whether you decide to R or D. Always value yourself.

You are in the early stages of Betrayal Trauma. Your brain has been physically impacted. There is a definite process to go through, make sure therapy is with a Betrayal Trauma Specialist.

Make sure other Betrayed Spouse knows ASAP. Doing that in and of itself will help you a bit, shows yourself you will take an action. It will give the other spouse agency in her life. It will shed light on darkness.

Check out Joke Porter on YouTube, you can get some nice help from those videos.

The book "Betrayal Bind" by Michelle Mays was very helpful to me in beginning.

And last but not least. Seek God who is able to help you navigate this tragedy.

Unfortunately, this is something that has left a permanent scar on you. You'll never forget about it. It may in time hurt less, and you may eventually reach a point of acceptance that this is who you are now. You'll always know it happened, but the pain will feel further away.

The question you have to ask yourself is if you can ever get past what she did. That's why everyone advises you not to make any decisions right away. The dust has to settle. If in a few months you're still where you are now and the pain isn't fading, then divorce might be the right option for you to heal, putting distance between you and your abuser. If you feel progress is being made and you might be able to one day truly forgive her, then you can kick that divorce can down the road a little further and reassess again at another benchmark.

You don't ever have to remove divorce as an option. You can fully commit to reconciliation and still find out a year or two later that it just isn't working.

Take care of yourself for now, call in friends and family for support. Don't sweep this under the rug or pretend it didn't happen. It needs to be made public so she'll never be tempted by him again.

It sounds like she is suffocating you. This is why the 180 is such a critical step. You need to get your head to stop swimming.

I've told her I want a divorce and she deftly explains why it's premature

I think one of the more illogical sentences uttered is "I want a divorce", as if they come gift-wrapped or require permission. If you want a divorce, you simply go and file. A spouses reluctance can delay the process but not stop it.

Can she define what would not be premature as far as breaches of the marital vows goes? I can imagine that filing for divorce because you don’t cut the grass as well as her dad did, or the meatloaf doesn’t taste like mom’s would be premature reasons to file, but infidelity is about as high as they go as a reason to end a marriage.

Not saying you should divorce. If the two of you want to, you can reconcile. But she needs to recognize that this is like stabbing you repeatedly in the heart, and calling her affair a "premature" reason to consider divorce is like offering a band-aid to cover the stabs.

Is the OM still working around her? Still working at the same place?

You mentioned he was caught in another affair at work. Did that have any consequences for him?

If he’s still there despite his track-record then it’s time your wife got another job.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:54 PM, Tuesday, January 20th]

It's been 5 days of non stop crying and anger. My wife has been with me and next to me the whole time. I've abused her verbally and show a sad shell of a version of myself. I'm even ashamed of that. But she won't leave my side, and keeps telling me that she is willing to do everything and put me first. She's been consistent. She's made an IC appointment. Phone passwords are availed. I don't trust her and have wavered back and forth on whether I can take this journey on or not. I've told her I want a divorce and she deftly explains why it's premature. I've been cold and combative and she remains and listens. Her remorse and tears are daily. I'm trying to navigate...

When I first started posting here it had been about 4 weeks since d day, and I was told that 4 weeks is still very fresh. I was in a state of shock for the first few months. It's going to take a long time and a lot of consistency from your wife for you to begin to feel your feet back under you.

Infidelity is very traumatic. Most people, including myself, really underestimate the damage and devastation it brings. What you're going through is very normal and expected. Unfortunately you're going to be riding this emotional roller coaster for a while. For now, don't listen to what she says. Her actions are what counts. Take your time. Don't beat yourself up. You're allowed to feel this way.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I know how you feel. I really do.

To be clear, Sadguy, you did nothing to deserve this. The challenges that you faced were perfectly normal and expected for a 15-year marriage with children. Your wife told you about her concerns with the marriage and her feelings for this other man, you responded with your expectations and-- as a loving and devoted husband would-- you did the work that you needed to do try to meet her needs and make her happy.

Instead of recognizing your efforts and stepping up herself to make the marriage better, she blew it up with an affair. In fact, based on what you described, I think the affair was already in progress long before you found out about it and occurred more frequently than the one time you were out of town. The fact your wife telegraphed her interest in this man instead of hiding it gives me the impression that she fully intended to sleep with him and expected you to forgive her if (or when) you found out.

Although people who have never experienced infidelity might be inclined to think that people "jump to divorce" upon learning that their spouse cheated, the opposite is actually true. Your knee-jerk reaction is to agree to reconciliation immediately, sweep everything under the rug, and try to get back to "normal" as soon as possible. That urge is natural but it's one that you must resist at all costs if your goal is to get out infidelity, whether you reconcile or divorce.

Here is some practical advice:

-Do not commit to reconciliation immediately, even if that's what you want most in the world at this moment. More likely than not, you don't have the full truth (and therefore don't know what you're being asked to forgive) and your wife needs to understand that trust is something that she has to earn and the marriage is not something to which she is entitled. At a certain point in this process, your anger is going to kick in and you need to allow yourself to process it.

-Your wife needs to get a new job as soon as possible. She can't work with the other man and work on the marriage. It's one or the other.

-Tell your wife that you want a full timeline of the affair and a full disclosure of what happened (you can decide what degree of detail you require). Make it clear to your wife that this is her only chance to tell you everything. If you learn anything new later on (whether it's tomorrow or years from now) the marriage is over. Most importantly, "I don't remember" or any variation of selective amnesia is not acceptable. I can't stress how important this step is. I've seen so many betrayed spouses languish for years because they don't know the full story or are tortured to death by trickle truth.

-Get tested for STDs and hold off on sex for the next 6 months. The reason for this is twofold (1) You haven't just been having sex with your wife; you've been having sex with everyone she and OM have been having sex with. Some STDs don't show up in a panel right away. (2) You need to keep a clear head while you make decisions, and chances are, your wife is going to try to love bomb you and sex bomb you into submission. Although "hysterical bonding" can help you feel closer and salve pain, more often than not, it's like popping opiates instead of tending to the wound.

-Consult with a lawyer and find out what your future outlook would be if you were to get a divorce. Sometimes the idea of divorce is worse than the actual reality. Also, even just learning that you consulted with a lawyer can be enough to drive home the point to your WW that she has really fucked up and the consequences are real, not theoretical.

-Based on what your lawyer says, I would then advise you get a postnup as a requisite for even considering reconciliation. In order for it to be enforceable, it would need to be fair and she would have to have her own lawyer sign off on it. I think you'll learn a lot about where her head is at by how she reacts to your postnup request. If she's as sincere in her remorse as you think she is, she will jump at the opportunity to put her "sorry" in writing.

-Get yourself an individual marriage counselor; do not jump into marriage counseling at this early stage. You need to focus on your own healing with the help of a professional who is fully committed to the best outcome for you... not what's good for the marriage. Unfortunately, many (if not most) MCs are reluctant to hold wayward spouses accountable for their actions and will try to push BSs to "accept their part" in the failings of the marriage, which can set back your healing and make your wife feel validated in her choice to cheat on you.

-Inform the other betrayed spouse (OBS). Many people are afraid to do this because they're afraid of retaliation or the idea that the AP will be free to pursue their WS if OBS divorces them. The thing you need to keep in mind is that the OBS is probably just like you... loves her husband, wants to stay married and preserve her family, and maybe doesn't understand why he's less interested in her and so unhappy in the marriage. She deserves the truth, just as you do, so she can make informed decisions about her life. And if she divorces WS and he runs off with your wife, then let the trash take itself out.

Last but not least, if the above advice seems overly harsh or draconian, there is a popular saying on SI that you should always keep in mind: sometimes, you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. The people who act swiftly, decisively, and don't accept excuses or blame are the most likely to have the best outcome with reconciliation.

I would keep the divorce option on the table and make sure your wife knows it is there and is not going anywhere

You do need to be checked for STDs because it's not unheard of for WS's to lie about having unprotected sex. Demand that she gets tested as well and you get the results, not just her telling you everything is okay

It takes a very long time to process trauma. The one person in your life who is supposed to be there no matter what, the person who is supposed to have your back, the person who is never going to hurt you, or crush your soul, or destroy everything you believed to be real and safe and secure is now the person who hurt you in a way that no one else could and it was done for purely selfish reasons

It took me several months before I felt like my feet were back on solid ground, my head was clear, and I could have confidence in a decision

If she is truly remorseful and willing to do anything to try and save the relationship she will do whatever you ask. A full written accounting of the affair would help. And once she has done this ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph. If she instantly says yes that's a good sign, if she stalls or questions it, that's a bad sign

It took me a long time to accept that I did not need my wife to complete me. I was already complete and she just added to it but where is she to go away I would still be complete. There would be a period of adjustment but I know I would go on but it takes a long time to get to that level of understanding so please do not be in a rush with the R.

If you need space tell her I need space to think, go away. If you want her to put her arms around you then tell her. I understand the desire to lash out with harsh words but that doesn't help, it may feel good momentarily but in the long run it doesn't help

Find an IC who specializes in trauma because infidelity is the worst kind to deal with

Keep posting, keep venting, ask for advice if you want it, we are here to help and support you

Great advice here so far. I would also strongly suggest at least a temporary separation. Why?

1. For you. You will not be able to process this with her smothering/love-bombing. A separation gives you the chance to really think this through more objectively, without 1000 units of cortisol getting injected into your system every time you see her.

2. For her. A consequence of her evil choices. This is NOT a "punishment". Her actions 100% threatened the future of your marriage. A separation gives her a preview of what life would be like without you. Any adulterous spouse who encounters no consequences - the natural outcome of their choices - will have an extremely low likelihood of getting motivated to start the enormous & sustained work of transforming their character. This will give her time & opportunity to deeply consider the harm she has wrought, and, hopefully, begin work on a solid plan to reform herself.

I will say that the remorse is there and she has given "full" account of events and answered all my questions, including highly painful details about physical activities, so she wasn't holding back. I have episodes of grief about 10 times a day. I'm talking very regularly to my spouse about things. The long weekend afforded us alot of time. Work starts again tomorrow. It will be a challenge for both aof us as the boss is still there. However, I have spoken to the boss directly and given him some guidance and potential reporting repurcusions should be chose to not leave the workplace immediately. He was very accepting of my terms. Wife had also volunteered accounting of her time, location, and regular checkins. It's all been exactly what one would hope from a remorseful spouse, I expect. The issue is the follow through. Like gr8ful stated, it's gonna be the actions. We shall see...

I have a few thoughts on your situation. Please know I’m sharing these because I want you to be in the strongest position possible, even if they’re hard to hear.

​First, I understand why her remorse feels like a lifeline right now, but try not to let it be your only compass. Remorse is a start, but it doesn't undo the past or guarantee the future. Many people feel genuine regret but still fall back into old patterns. Would you have forgiven anything as long as she looks sad afterwards?

​I also noticed you frame her actions as being 'manipulated' or 'innocent.' While that might make the betrayal easier to stomach today, it can be a dangerous rationalization. If she truly is that easily manipulated, it suggests a lack of personal agency that makes trust very hard to rebuild. If she isn't, then viewing her as a victim of the situation might be a way to avoid facing her actual choices.

​Most successful reconciliations I’ve seen on this forum don't start with words or promises—they start with tangible consequences. If you want to reconcile, you owe it to your future self to ensure this isn't just swept under the rug. You need to know she is staying because she has done the hard work, not just because the 'fog' cleared temporarily.

What actions can she take to make this better? Think on it. For me, nothing puts the toothpaste back in the tube but different strokes form different folkes. Make a list, hold her to it.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 7:26 AM, Wednesday, January 21st]

This is one mid-level manager talking to another mid-level manager...

I seriously doubt negotiating with him will have any result whatsoever. From what you share this is a known womanizer, was having a "pretty open affair", and having "another affair at the office". Since that was posted before you knew the extent of your WW involvement, I take that as a third known instance (the pretty open one, the "another affair", and your WW). That’s blatant behavior and doesn’t indicate following rules and expected behavior.

The more likely outcome is that he delays, and if you persist, he get’s rid of your wife using some business excuse; downsizing, performance, attendance... Or the threat of this blowing up and becoming common knowledge – the wife of the Sadguy who managed department ACME had sex in the mail-room with OM.

As a mid-level manager you KNOW this behavior is frowned upon by management. Any one of the three women he had affairs with is now a possible liability for the company. Imagine there is a demand from the board for downsizing, and one of the three is terminated... Each and every one of them has relatively good grounds to file for sexual harassment, with the following cost and loss of reputation for the company. The burden-of-proof is so much higher for the manager and company to establish that a) the workplace is safe and b) the manager did not pressure them or reward them with overtime and benefits. When one steps forward, another steps forward, and with his track-record it’s going to be expensive for the company.

Over the decades I recall some managers who thought more with what was between their feet rather than what was between their ears. I remember one who was outright fired after complaints of groping. I remember three who were caught having sexual relationships with women they managed. Neither infidelity – all participants were single.
One talked to his superior manager and HR and reported that he and his subordinate were dating and that it was probably going somewhere. Still work with that guy, and they are now married.
The other two – Both were taken aside and given warnings. Both got passed over for promotions. Both noticed they no longer were selected for tasks. Both resigned within a year of "the talk". This is the solution companies generally want – that the problem disappears.

Imagine what happens if one of the other two women talk to HR.
Based on his past actions, there will be a next woman, and one after that.
When HR or the legal department start preparing for the sexual-assault charge... and discover that the manager superior to OM – Mr. Sadguy – had knowledge of the behavior but didn’t report it... Friend – you are placing yourself in the firing-line.

You really need to report him to HR. As a manager, not necessarily as a husband. Heck... as BOTH.

Finally:
Workplace affairs... One of the most common myths about them is that the participants are 100% certain nobody knows. They think they are so secretive and discreet. Yet I am willing to bet my favorite fly-rod that your wifes affair with her boss is common knowledge at the workplace.

However, I have spoken to the boss directly and given him some guidance and potential reporting repercussions should be chose to not leave the workplace immediately. He was very accepting of my terms. Wife had also volunteered accounting of her time, location, and regular checkins.

If you truly believe that your wife was a victim of a predator, then she needs to get out of that workplace immediately, the boss needs to be reported to HR, and his wife notified. Anything less than that and you're setting yourself up to be betrayed yet again and for this man to do the exact same thing with another woman in the office.

Also, your wife is a grown-ass woman, not a child. You swooping in and dealing with the boss directly is reinforcing the idea that she is not accountable for her actions and choices, isn't required to set her own boundaries, and isn't responsible for absorbing the negative consequences of her own behavior.