SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've not posted here in well over a decade and honestly hadn't thought much prior to a month ago about the events that greatly shaped my life back then. It's a memory and I've come to terms with it.

My wife had a brief excursion from our marriage towards the end of 2011. It was short and discovered quickly. We stayed together through many painful years and like all things, it faded. She never even thought about straying after that. We rebuilt our marriage and it was stronger than before. It was a learning experience for both of us and we moved on.

After we rebuilt our marriage, it was one of abundant joy. We were genuinely happy with one another. I really can't overstate how much we enjoy each others company and how big of a smile we bring to each others faces. It's really great.

A few weeks ago my wife was diagnosed with a incurable terminal illness. It is fatal in 100% of cases. This is life and we are not immune from bad things happening. The one thing she can't seem to let go was how badly she hurt me and the fact she did it with intention.

After our reconciliation we never talked about it again. I've recently learned that this has absolutely haunted her ever since. This has probably caused her more trauma than it has me. She just can't seem to forgive herself even though I did a long time ago. This is just miserable for her and I'd take it away if I could.

I just wanted to put this out there. If you are thinking about straying, understand the damage done may be to you and it may last a lifetime. The brief joy you might get will never outway the damage you may cause.

I'm so sorry about your wife. I wish you both peace during this time.

Sorry to hear about the illness.

Maybe I'm jaded but I think all WS's should be forever haunted with the trauma and destruction their selfish choices inflicted upon a relationship. Maybe it will help them honor their relationships in the future.

I’m saddened to hear of your wife’s illness.

Unfortunately your words are true but will fall on deaf ears. Most cheaters are selfish and choose to cheat despite knowing they will cause pain and suffering to the betrayed.

I think most cheaters think they will never get caught. And if they do, it’s "no big deal" and the betrayed "will get over it" after a few weeks or so.

The cheater has no idea of the impact their affair will have on the lives of the betrayed, kids, families, etc. Nor do they care at the time they make the decision to cheat.

Early on I asked my wife What did you think would happen if I found out and her response was I never thought about it. It was about four months into R that she finally admitted she thought I would just get upset but didn't think I would get this upset

She just assumed no matter what I would just sweep it under the rug and get over it

That made me look at her in a totally different way. It made me realize that she could be cold, deceptive, manipulating, secretive, unfaithful.

That made me look at her in a totally different way. It made me realize that she could be cold, deceptive, manipulating, secretive, unfaithful.

I think it makes your cheating spouse the common ordinary cheater. One that doesn’t consider consequences or if they do, they don’t care about anything other than satisfying their own needs. And to hell with everyone rise lol.

My H made a comment after dday2 that he wished someone could have sat him down and told him what happens to people and relationships when you cheat. How wrong but is and what a bad idea it is.

I asked him "would you have listened?" He was honest and admitted that he would not have listened.

And it does change your opinion of the person you should be able to trust the most.

My Friend, thank you for posting this heartfelt experience you are going through. I am so glad you have healed.

I want to offer you something that I trust will help her. It is related to he Gospel of Christ. Of course I have no clue about your beliefs, but I have been saved by Christ. Over time I have come to a better understanding of the depth of the Gospel message. Here is what can help us be free from our horrible actions. When one trusts Christ, and repents, there is a mysterious but real transaction that becomes evident. It is this...it is becoming aware that when Jesus died for sin, somehow that old person we were which was able to do those horrible things, actually received justice...it was as if we died there rightfully. On the other side, the new person we are, is actually because we have Christ's righteous life. It is an amazing exchange.

So if your wife lays hold of this, she can gain some sense of peace that that old person she was is actually dead, receiving rightful justice. But the new her, the one who turned is here now.

Of course she will still mourn hurting her love...that is part of regret and consequences as you said. But the gospel takes the sting out of the justice aspect of our sin. God provided a way make us right with Him, and that is in Jesus Christ.

Peace my friend. May God comfort you both in this journey you are facing. ❤️🙏

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 2:08 PM, Sunday, January 18th]

I'm very sorry about this diagnosis. If we can help over the next months, you know you can post for support, right?

IMO, the WS hurts themself more than they hurt the BS. All we have to do to heal is process the pain. WSes have to process their own pain, account for hurting their BS, their ap, OBS, kids, and change from cheater to good partner.

I also think that your W looks like a remorseful WS. I'm sorry she hasn't healed fully. (Mine hasn't, either.) I hope she can find peace and take in your love.

IT is very sad.

Unfortunately betrayal "kills" the BS, but the WS pays with a piece of their soul.

People can grow and change become better. Your wife did.
The fact that she in this moment thinks about that, proves how much deeper and mature she has become.

And that's what matters. That you are close to her and let her know you both love her and how great she could rise up and become the woman she was meant to be.

Even forgiveness is not as valuable as the gift you both had in growing up to be two fully and whole and loving partners.
This is what matters, and I hope this will give her peace.

With you in spirit and sympathy

So sorry to hear of your wife’s illness. Sending you support in this challenging time.
But also happy to hear that you were able to reconcile and have many happy years since the A.

I hope your wise words help even one WS or soon-to-be WS make a better choice.

So sorry to hear about your wife's illness, but happy you managed to successfully reconcile.

I think this is something for BS's in reconciliaton to think about, too. Life is short, and tragedies can happen. I'm imagining if this would have happened to my wife without me ever telling her she's been forgiven. I get it. It's hard. It's an unforgivable act, but I would feel pretty awful if something were to happen to her right now and she never got to hear the words "I forgive you." I'm hurt. Incredibly hurt, but I do still love her.

Your wife knows she's been forgiven. That's an incredible gift and she got to hear it. I hope she can learn to forgive herself before it's too late.

It's an unforgivable act, but I would feel pretty awful if something were to happen to her right now and she never got to hear the words "I forgive you." I'm hurt. Incredibly hurt, but I do still love her.

It is touching, I would like someday to see such progress.

This is only from my perspective but the meaning is the same for a wife who truly changed:

For me betrayal is unforgivable, it killed the relationship, everything that is, that was, everything that will or that could be, full stop. But if she truly grows and changes (as OP wife seems to have been capable to do), she 'does not need my forgiveness'

"You became a different person, you grew, you are no longer the person who could do that. You left that person behind forever, and to you, I have nothing to forgive because today's you, never done or could do that to us."

In my case that may never happen, but is nice to see evidence that is possible. OP's wife managed to do it. She deserves praises.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:32 AM, Monday, January 19th]