SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to talk with you all, Betrayed and Wayward partners, because I am sure we all have a ton of unanswered questions that we might have always wanted to answer but were too painful, shameful or difficult to ask when we went through the betrayal.

No matter if you were on the receiving end, you were the cause, you reconciled, are trying to R, or decided to split. You had for sure many emotions going on before the Affair, during the Affair, during Discovery and it's aftermath.

Maybe some of those made you question your partner and your choices.

Maybe some of those made you question yourself.

They might have changed you forever.

They might be still transforming you or blocking you from further growth.

Or it can be simple curiosity to understand better the psychology behind betrayal. You may be wondering if you were wearing your partner's shoes:

- Could I survive it if I was the BS?

- Could have I done it if I was the WS?

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal?

- What was going on with me before?

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too)

- Why did I feel that way?

- Did it change me?

- How did the betrayal change you? (to the other party)

- Did it make it me/you stronger?

- Did I lose / gained something from it?

This kind of questions, I am sure we asked them many times, perhaps answering them alone in honest or edited ways.

But we all share common patterns:

Betrayal cuts deep on both partners, it even cuts differently on different genders, the wounds all take a long time to heal, maybe they never heal fully, we want for sure to know if those we suffer healed for others and if we can heal from those as well, or in our case they cannot.

We might want to know what out partner's wounds (before and after) are and if they can or cannot heal

And the most important thing yet:

We all find it easier to go on the positive emotions, the good moments and the precious aspects of our relationships, whether we had them, rediscovered them, or are rebuilding into a new bond.

But can we do the hardest thing? Can we look into the abyss of the lowest, most shameful and tainted flaws and emotions that brought us here? Can we still admit them and ask them and bring them out in the open?

We are anonymous here, is the place where we can share things that we still feel as foul secrets. Because those are the shadow that made it happen. Because we likely did not share with our BS / WS the darkest things, memories, emotions we felt not to hurt them.

But they never go away until you face them.

I like for this to be a space to ask the other side and have some self reflection on us, it is important because the unthinkable already happened. Something triggered it. Even if we mended our wounds, it can happen again. For some, already did.

Only facing our shadows and looking into the other side's can make us, if not understand, acknowledge and accept the reality, that we can hide under the rug but never quiet. To understand if we are truly ready to move forward no matter the risks.

Please ask to BS/WS or freely express what you feel, felt, and need to feel to feel whole again. Even if you still have pain or shame in it, even if the answers from the other side are hurtful, let's go with honesty and respect those from the other side even if their answers are not comforting but distressful.

It's a self help space, but not necessarily a comforting one, a space of truth no matter how harsh, will help you in the long run.

----

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:29 AM, Monday, January 12th]

Since I kicked the wasp nest I start with myself, the first thing and emotions that comes to my mind.

Before my partner betrayed me I was deeply connected to her, we had long distance relationship but I felt since the moment we met, she is the love of my life.

She has low self worth issues, we were extremely intimate to an emotional level I never experienced in my life. Because I was closed and traumatized myself, I felt I would always be walled to the other gender and gave up of finding a true connection early in my life.

She knocked those walls to dust. Her low self worth made me feel deep fear of loss. She feared she was inadequate and at some point I would realize it and move on. I feared her afraidness would make her flee. I was terrified of not having her in my life.

In the beginning I was able to elevate her, make her self confident, feeling beautiful, fulfilled. But she was co-dependant on me for her self worth validation, she was not doing her own work.

Did not understand this, but I "felt it". My own insecurities and fears made pick the other route. I became safe, available, agreeable, apologetic. I dulled my edge to make her feel superior to me, and it worked initially, her fears of me leaving her started to fade. But it also started to slowly kill her attraction.

The problem with low self worth is the validation you give it is only temporary. The problem with lowering your self worth in a relationship is your partner will resent it at some point, your own self will feel shame for backtracking instead of growing, your nerve system will start to believe your worth is truly lower, their contempt will reinforce this, you spiral.

And the validation being temporary, demands further hits of validation from perceived "higher value partners". So once she felt my worth fading her feeling were no longer of uplifting because her low self worth was resurfacing. And my validation was no longer enough. Because I became "low value".

So she looked for validation outside, had an affair, replaced me, and that completely destroyed me. (It was the tombstone on the spiral I myself started out of love for her. And I was complicit into it)

It lasted only few months, she came back, but the damage was done: I established myself inside as "low value", and she came back

full of regret feeling even "lower worth" because of the betrayal, and because once replace she realized quickly what she gave up for this OM.

So again the pattern restarted, we R, I was deeply hurt and tried to establish my boundaries, but they were never true, because they were just an echo, a shadow of my now dead old confidence and self respect (I could fake it, but my identity was now the one of unlovable, discarded, low value man, not the "cool guy" she fell in love with and was proud of, so the charade was doomed from the start).

What did I feel during?
I "felt the affair" the very night it happened. We were 1600 km away, different countries. I still felt it, like something takes a dive in your chest and stomach. I lived the weeks before I met her, confronted and broke up, in a state of cognitive dissonance and denial.

You have a voice screaming inside you with desperation the truth. Your mind fights it with all itself to deny she could ever do such thing, especially to you.

That's what then set me up to develop PTSD on DDay #1.

What did I feel for her after the first R?

it was a mix of emotions.

- Initially relief, even joy, but mixed with pain and nostalgia for her coming back.

- Deep anger, murderous rage, hate. On her at first, then it moved on the OM, because I could not look or think of her without the rage. Because I needed to direct it at someone and at the same time it could not coexist with the love I genuinely still feel for her. She still needed to be my innocent girl, not the dirty one. So I projected it. Then it turned inward towards myself, because I knew deep down it was her choice. It eaten me alive for years.

- I detached from my emotions of the betrayal to be in a relationship with her. They were all there, but I compartmentalized so the storm was hitting me alone, and she was in the safe box, where no mention or memory of the betrayal should ever taint her.

- But in intimacy all came back. Everytime we were sexually intimate I felt dirty, her body belonged to the OM, it was a battle between love and desire and disgust, no matter how I tried, I could smell the OM on her and wanted it to finish as quick as possible. I felt sick, disgusted, needing to vomit, then guilty for feeling this to her and ashamed of myself for desiring and loving her at the same time. There was the connection, but was forever tainted with the betrayal and I could not force me to tell her. She was happy. All while I started sinking alone in the abyss again.

- Silence breed secret, resentment, humiliation, nourished the pain, the joy from R begun to leave room to those emotions, and I quieted them, took most of my focus and energy. Because I was truly grateful to have her in my life again. But I could not forgive myself for what I felt. All negative emotions and intrusive thoughts started to be addressed against myself once more.

- I felt we Red but my soul was lost forever and could not breathe. So I kept silent

It's a preview of memories and emotions, in freeform, feel free to ask if you feel like.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:09 PM, Monday, January 12th]

My answers:

- Could I survive it if I was the BS?

I’m the BS. I have asked him what he would have felt if the roles were reversed. He said, "deep pain, anger, and a need to get away". That’s how I feel, so I guess he nailed it.

- Could have I done it if I was the WS?

Because I now understand how these things get started and develop, I know I am vulnerable to infidelity because I am human, and right now needy and weak. Yes.

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal?

He had lost his mother to cancer a couple years earlier, and that left him the only person from his FOO still living. He talked about that a lot, that he "had nobody left". It didn’t seem to help when I mentioned he had me, his kids, his nieces and nephews, his cousins. He has told me he was using porn a lot leading up to the affair, and also that he was secretly drinking quite a bit. COVID put him under a lot of strain because I was working in healthcare and had to be out every day. Meanwhile he was alone working at home all day. Loneliness definitely played a role, including in increasing use of alcohol.

- What was going on with me before?

I was having to work daily. Long hours. Additionally, I was having a medical issue that caused very painful sex, so that aspect of our life had decreased. I was very in love with him, and thought he was happy.

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too) At one point, I was cured of my medical issue, and invited him for intimacy. He just looked at me and walked away. Right then I knew something was wrong. I had no idea.

- Why did I feel that way?

Only one other time he had turned me down. It was when he was having an affair.

- Did it change me?
I looked into it, asked, etc. He made excuses. But it still hung on.

- How did the betrayal change you? (to the other party)

This is huge as a question. I think he sees me as fragile right now, and works hard to understand how I am doing every day. I am distrustful now. I am on edge. I randomly cry. I am much quieter around other people. I’m depressed.

- Did it make it me/you stronger?

In some ways, yes. I don’t accept anything from him that remotely sounds like a lie or attempt to blameshift. Our dynamic is different, because he has always had the "power" in the relationship, but now always defers to me. I don’t like it. I want an egalitarian relationship, and this isn’t it. We are talking about it as it relates to his feelings of guilt and making amends.

- Did I lose / gain something from it?. I lost my deepest abiding love for him. I’m struggling to find it again. It’s going to take a minute.

5 decades thank you for the heartfelt sharing.

I have a curiosity because a perspective is missing from me. I am man, so I miss the female perspective of how betrayal impacts you.

I believe that the process of discovery and betrayal itself is pretty similar no matter if you are a man or a woman, from what I read we all go through the same pain and reality shattering trauma.

Also the betrayal that broke me was 7 years before our marriage, she did not have any PA since our wedding, but the wounds from before were just hidden, not healed. With the caveat that afaik I still do not have the proof if she had any PA after marriage (unsure yet, so the instinct assumes the worst case scenario as default, until she regain enough trust at least), later DDAys were recent when she opened up, but I knew it in my guts. So I 'technically' miss the perspective of betrayed spouse, perhpas it feels different, perhaps no.

But I am curious about the aftermath, when you try reconciliation.

I know she does look up to me for being her safe center, the person she can trust and crush when emotions overwhelm her, she feels safe when I take the lead and basically make her feel every day as "I got your back". Feeling that by the way I lost towards her, when she "had my back" she stabbed it, when I needed her the most she was not there, and when I was in the abyss of trauma, depression and PTSD she had contempt and disgust.

It is normal for a woman who loves you to feel that way and hope you are there for her everyday. Her emotional wiring requires it to feel safe.

I wonder if betrayed women have it worse when in reconciliation: can you still "look up" to your man and feel this kind of safety? That "he has your back" and your nerve system can relax with him?

---

Since I asked that I could also give you my understanding of how the betrayal feels from a masculine perspective (other BH could add to it or feel differently) but it might be of insight for BW and WW who are trying to R:

Men have a biological programming of 'mate protection', when you commit to a female that kicks in, is the only way nature had to ensure your offspring was yours so this is something written in our biology way before words and rational thoughts even existed.

This is also the reason why, while we are happy to have sex with as many women as possible when single, we find it hard to commit to one (aka falling in love). The first one is biology and survival strategy, the second is even more important because you 'vet' potential 'partner for life'.

Only when a woman makes your instinct "feel safe" that she is capable of exclusive commitment with a single partner (you) and able to give up other sexual encounters, then your nerve system allows for you to attach emotionally and fully commit to her.

When you commit to her, she is always considered a "high value woman" to your emotional and nerve system.

That is "falling in love" you form a bond and your natural polygamous drive gets suppressed and you are driven towards monogamy (from 'spread your genes' to 'form and protect your tribe' biological programming).

Is both nature and psychology, we are neither as a baseline, circumstances allow one state or the other to emerge.

-- this may shed some light on the general confusion many women have about male behavior, because we work differently but is very predictable when you know it--

(I suspect the above could also be a factor contributing in the behavior of some Wayward Men, once faithful. Not the only one but in some instances. I do not know, I will let them to pitch in if they feel like it matters)

So you committed and she betrays you, she has sex with another man or wants to.

The natural pain of the betrayal we all universally know well is obviously here but there is more. I will try to explain it in a way that might help feminine understanding. Several things break in your masculine identity:

-- Existential and genetic survival -- you immediately lose the security of your offspring, present past and future. Your 'mate protection' failed, so your body and instincts immediately put everything into question. If you have children they might be not yours. If she is expecting most definitively you feel is not yours. Your future plans for children disappear. She may still carry your baby one day, but it will be forever tainted with the shadow of infidelity and doubt. It is not rational, even if you have DNA proof the instincts will forever scream that doubt in your heart. Since that moment, that core pillar of the relationship is dust emotionally. Gone forever.

-- Loss of hierarchy and status -- Male social circle works through instinctive boundaries and direct competition.

You face other men directly, establishing what is yours, theirs, what are the borders, and who has the strength and fight to take and defend their "territory" and "tribe" (we speak of biology and primal instincts here, obviously in the civilized world that means 'belongings' and 'family', but all human society stems from those basic principles).

So when men meet there is always an open confrontation, it can result in 2 outcomes: one is mutual respect, even friendship, when you respect or even feel the pull to protect the other men's boundaries and 'tribe' (or even "join it" in the case of friendship). The second is rivalry, competition and overt fight (each one tries to conquer the other's boundaries. Still, often there is some level of respect here too).

It is a primitive anthropological description, we still see this everyday. It's part of the human animal, this how men move through life.

That's also why emotional containment is biologically very developed in males. Sense of humor and de escalation or emotional neutrality are a healthy requirement for survival, or else we would be fighting and killing each other at the first misstep of crossing or even touching another man's boundary (no matter if intentional or not, humor serves both as a warning and a de escalation tool).

No matter the direct competition, there is always an unwritten rule that describe male's "honor" in this field. It must be open, clean, at the light of the sun.

Treachery, lies and backstabbing is frowned universally because that is how weak men act to 'steal' from 'higher status' men. You consider those men disgusting, unworthy, cowards, they are not even men, they are rats and worms.

You will see no problems with 2 single men competing for one woman, as long as it is open and out in the clear, they are both rivals but they will respect each other even if only one will win her heart.

But when you are betrayed, the sting is different and devastating: the OM acted cowardly, he is a rat and a worm not a "worthy rival", he is the most disgusting weak thief. And she chose him over you.

She is your mate, the one who you are committed to. She is not just another woman, but an extension of your 'self' the nucleus of your entire world and future. Ans your nature feels this: she preferred a 'low status weak man' to you, to replace your offspring with his. This makes you 'lower value' you lose your place in the universe, your entire hierarchy is gone, your status is gone, forever lowered below the OM (see below).

-- Low self-worth -- You lost your status because she, an extension of you established it by betraying you with the OM.

The natural consequence from the above, is that you emotionally rearrange your entire understanding of your place in the world as lower than the lowest (the OM, as perceived by innate male psychological social structure). That's the psychological driver that crushes you on every aspect of your life, in addition to the pain your reality, all your achievements, all your drive, you identity, everything it once was "you" dies in that moment along with the rest of the emotions. You might become numb, you definitively become emotinally unstable, you lose your masculine center, emotional containment.

-- Injustice and primal rage -- - When your chosen woman betrays you, in her mind she is treating you as an option, but in yours and the OM mind something else is going on.

- The OM feels an ego boost because he conquered someone else's partner, so he feels 'elevated socially' (he is not, this is universally felt as predatory, disgusting and untrustworthy, but he still feels like he won, because she chose him over another man). He may ever treat her as a trophy or disposable trash. is a spite towards him more than her.

Men generally do not look to other Wayward Men very highly, because the act of betraying your woman is 'bad' but are prone to understand that they might have slipped or had a moment of weakness, so it is 'excusable' to some extent, as long as they plan to start walking straight (if they do not, then their status perception is lowered), but when it comes to comparisons with the OM in a betrayal is night and day. The OM is instinctively seen as a worm, a weak, treacherous thief. There is no sympathy because this is and act of weakness and the deepest treachery a male can do to another male (not even murder is perceived so lowly, he is lower than the low, on par with rapists and child abusers).

So She replaced you with this OM and elevated him over you (or crushed you below this guy). Along with the pain and grief, a primal rage for the sense of injustice is emerging and exploding inside you. She, the person that you elevated above any other female, just decided that you are worth below the scum of the Earth. Your dignity can't just take it, you feel a primitive pull to restore justice (the primal instinct towards the OM is homicidal, tribal justice, no matter how civilized that pull is ancestral). Since we are beyond the barbaric era, that pull will have to be suppressed (even if sometimes still happens) and the anger will linger and eat you alive.

-- Emotional self projection-- - she does not get off the judgement and the anger, you know IT WAS HER CHOICE, so all these emotions are resentment get naturally directed on her. But that is temporary, as it is in conflict with the deep feelings of Love and commitment you have for her. They do not go away so easily. So our psyche does something that gives you the final blow and kills you for good:

She is your beloved partner --> you love her no matter what she did --> you cannot hate her as you feel --> you trusted her, you felt it, that was real it was not wrong --> she must have seen you have become extremely weak, disgusting, unworthy, that's why she drifted instead of leaving you first, she lost respect for you --> you are the cause of everything --> you deserved it, you allowed it to happen by becoming worthless --> you collect or the feeling of anger and injustice addressed to her and redirect it at yourself, projecting it against you --> she gets 'partially forgiven' you are now the main culprit --> the spiral begins.

There might be more but this is how male psychology self-sabotages you when you get betrayed. Being left and heartbroken is bad enough, but acceptable and allows you to move on. Betrayal fucking sucks because you go through this hell already at the start of the A, or when you D.

And that's just the beginning, then there is the rest we all know following up. You can get over these wounds, I am not sure they can ever completely heal even if you R though.

Hopefully this perspective helps the other sex to feel what it feels like, and to help your partner overcome it.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:37 AM, Tuesday, January 13th]

I knew the night he was cheating. 6 hours late. Not answering my calls or texts. Walked in the door at midnight.

I was brave enough to ask "so what’s going on?" I knew the answer. He was honest and admitted he was with the OW.

I survived his affairs. The last one made ME change. It didn’t break me. It didn’t leave me devastated. It made me stand up to him and his selfishness.

I no longer lose an argument. I stand my ground. I don’t back down. I don’t fall prey to the tactics for him to get his own way.

Living my best life. Very happy. Still married.

But I come first now.

And yes I can tell his "why" and how it came to pass. But that’s not important any longer.

Because now he fears I will leave him!

I no longer lose an argument.

I don’t think there are supposed to be winners and losers in marital disagreements… Just the two of you figuring out the best direction for the both of you to go with.

I don’t think there are supposed to be winners and losers in marital disagreements… Just the two of you figuring out the best direction for the both of you to go with.

When one person gives in or backs down to avoid arguments, that person becomes the person who has given up some power. And the opposition counts on it and knows it.

Here is an example. We had 1 car and I needed to be at an event at 3 pm. My H knew this. As he left to go play golf I reminded him I needed to be somewhere at 3 pm. He was still on the golf course at 3:30 pm. When he got home his first words were "I didn’t know you had to be there at 3 pm". He knew - it was just an act.

So I was never in that position again. Fast forward to his birthday weekend and he gets invited to a wedding. After I made plans for his birthday. He basically harassed me for days to get me to backdown and let him go to the wedding with the promise from him "he’d be home before the time of the dinner". Swore up & down he’d be on time.

Now this was during the affair. And I was convinced he was going to meet up with the OW at the wedding. I obviously could not attend as I had plans for his surprise party that night ( he thought we were only meeting 2 friends for dinner). But it was a party.

I refused to give in. I would not back down. Lesson learned from years before - he’s chronically late and you cannot count on him.

Unfortunately there are times when one person gets their own way. That’s life. You cannot compromise on things sometimes.

My H has learned not to push me or try to manipulate me. It may have worked prior to his affair 12 years ago but not anymore. No means no AND end of discussion.

And he’s no longer late. He realized how disrespectful he was.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:33 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

** Member to Member **

I'm still active on SI 15 years after d-day because I'm still working something out. I just wish I knew what it was. Your questions are relevant, IMO, so here goes:

- Could I survive it if I was the BS? Um ... yes.

- Could have I done it if I was the WS? I have little doubt that I could cheat; however, as a road warrior I never took anyone up when they made offers, no matter how attractive they were. I'm sure I would have survived if I had cheated, however.

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal? late/mid-life crisis? Met the wrong person? The fact is: my W cheated. I do know she looked sick at heart when she revealed her A. She had stuck with me when I was in lousy emotional shape, and I thought I owed her some allegiance - sickness and health, better or worse from the standard English language M vows.

- What was going on with me before? I hated my job but was in line for something I really wanted. I was in good-to-great emotional shape.

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too) anger, fear, and grief due to lack of connection. I saw the signs of an A but since past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, I thought something else was going on.

- Why did I feel that way? too much evidence that my W was not cheating.

- Did it change me? What do you mean by 'it'? I changed in realizing I had to prepare to live without my W, deal with D, change lifestyle, and other practical issues. I knew I had to deal with immense grief. But I had learned to process feelings, so I knew I could heal, too.

- How did the betrayal change you? (to the other party)

I can't answer for my W or her ap.

- Did it make it me/you stronger? If 'it' means 'the A and its aftermath', I don't think so. rather, the A made me realize that I had to use my strengths in ways I never expected to need to.

- Did I lose / gained something from it? Sure. Both. But that doesn't matter to me.

******

BackfromtheStorm:

Throughout my experience on SI, I've reacted very strongly to certain intellectual errors. Unfortunately, you've committed a number of them multiple times, and I have decided to speak out.

First, you claim to speak for 'men'. I'm a man. Do not presume to speak for me.

I'm 15 years out from d-day. Until that day in 2010, I was more hooked on my W - after 45 years together - than I was on our wedding day, and I got hooked on her just about exactly 2 years before our wedding day. in fact, I loved her more each month over our entire relationship - and often more each week. In other words, I was still limerent after 45 years.

I knew I wanted to R, if my W earned back mt trust. At the same time, I also knew I was not going to let her ruin my life - if she wasn't committed to R, I'm pretty sure I'd have dumped her. On d-day I immediately started to prepare myself to be alone if my W was unwilling to do the necessary work to R. I knew enough not to take up with other women until I was free of my W. I knew enough not to sweep my W's A under the rug, which you appear to have done until recently.

As you can see, our experiences are so different that you can't speak for me, nor I for you. Please stop.

Second, you write numerous generalizations about gender, status (WS, BS, etc.). They simply don't hold water. Given the way you state your generalizations, a single exception disproves them. I know many people to whom your generalizations do not apply. Consider this: if you can't make your point without a generalization, maybe your point isn't valid.

Third, you claim some of your ideas are supported by biology. In fact, they are supported only by suggestions or hypotheses about biology, not by anything near scientific consensus. Any of your assertions about connections between biology and behavior can be equally well described by culture. I particularly take issue with the proposition that men want to protect women. Throughout much of history, a lot of women would say, 'Men want to protect me out of everything I own.' In other words, if you can't make your point without biology, maybe the point is invalid.

Sisoon thank you fo the feedback.

I have researched extensively because I faced this thing alone, went through therapy, and I researched further.

The things I reported here are not my generalizations but are taken from the research and publications I researched.

As a matter of clarity I can add the sources (Pubmed etc) to discern what is my interpretation and my personal take and what is coming from research.

I have no interest in talking for a 'group', you will learn I have deep conviction that each individual is a universe of its own. We are also humans and we share patterns and behaviors that have been studied extensively, understanding those in our situation (couple dealing with infidelity and trying to understand the other sex or reconcile) can be useful to help our partners.

We do share a traumatic experience but often we do not fully understand what our partner is going through (or even what we are going through) because our psychology is so different.

I will work on providing the scientific sources anytime that I refer to something that could feel "generalized".

As a BS

- Could have I done it if I was the WS?

I definitely could have done it. I now know how these things happen and how people can wander into it. That makes it worse for me though because I had the same reasons and didn't. I am not above cheating, I am human. I just CHOSE not to.

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal?
Somewhat of a mid-life crisis. Lost two jobs in the previous two years through no fault of her own one of which was a long term career defining job. Felt like a failure and worthless. Like she could not succeed in life. Then here comes POSOM to tell her how great she is, how beautiful she was and put her on this pedestal when she was feeling her lowest.

- What was going on with me before?
I was drowning trying to keep up the finances. Burnt out trying to maintain a job and a business and a family while my WW was falling deeper into depression. I broke down and was running on fumes but had to keep going because she was barely making it and had taken a job that paid decently but was not what she wanted. I felt that if I could keep it going and hold on a little while longer everything would work out. Boy was my world shattered on DDay.

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too)
Because I was so busy trying to maintain the life we built I sensed nothing. I was caught completely off guard. Of course that was used against me in the initial aftermath of Dday. I was told I wasn't paying enough attention, and was emotionally unavailable. Even after my WW getting to remorse and understanding how hurtful it was, I still carry resentment.

- Why did I feel that way?
I believed that men do what ever they have to do to carry the burden of providing for a family. If it meant working more, taking on more household work, whatever. You just did it because of your love of the family. To then turn around and see how she fawned over and chased after a loser who did literally absolutely nothing for her while I was running myself into a grave broke me.

- Did it change me?
Yes. It changed my whole worldview. Now I am nowhere near the man I was. I don't really care about anything. The beliefs I once held dear don't hold the same weight.
I no longer care if what I do is right or wrong.
I no longer value being seen as a good husband or father. Hell all that got me was cheated on anyway so why does it matter.
I no longer believe in the good of people. I just see people as avatars of what they want to do. If it is wrong they are just going to justify it and do it anyway.
I no longer believe people operate on character or integrity, just selfishness.

- How did the betrayal change you? (to the other party)
Honestly I don't love her the same. That is different than saying I don't lover her, but it will never be the same. The good in her is tainted by the A. I no longer see her as a "safe" partner. I think she does safe partner things but in the back of my mind I know what she is capable of and it will always be there. I no longer believe in her.

- Did it make it me/you stronger?
In some ways yes. I have my eyes wide open to her and the world. I am naive no more. I am hardened to people and sob stories. I now see that everyone has them and they are mostly full of shit. It also made me realize I don't have to be perfect. I don't always have to sacrifice myself, or care about everyone else's feelings above my own.

- Did I lose / gained something from it?
The thing that I lost is my view that the world can be a good place. I no longer subscribe to that.
I feel like i have a new understanding of
2 Timothy 3:2
New Living Translation
For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred.

I have learned to much about affairs and infidelity and the prevalence thereof to believe that anyone is truly good. It seems cynical to me to think that way but that is part of the change in me.

This is a reflection from the perspective of someone who chose not to pursue reconciliation (R) after a betrayal.

1. Could I have done it if I were the Wayward Spouse (WS)?

I cannot envision a circumstance where I would choose to betray a partner. If I ever reached a point of such profound unhappiness, I would leave before the betrayal occurred - If I still loved them, I couldn't do that to them. If by some unfathomable set of circumstance it was to have occurred, I wouldn't stick around long enough for anyone to find out. To me, integrity is the cornerstone of self-worth. While I am far from perfect—and often prone to over-flagellation for minor mistakes (a byproduct, no doubt, of a Catholic upbringing)—I perceive infidelity as an unforgivable breach of character. I view betrayal as a form of abuse, and I would feel exactly as an abuser should. Since I couldn't live with someone I hate, I could never be that person. This stance is rooted in my history: witnessing my father’s infidelity and the permanent emotional toll it took on my mother taught me that "not cheating" isn't an achievement—it’s the baseline requirement of a decent life.

2. What was going on with my partner before the betrayal?

We were navigating a high-pressure transition: a new property and simultaneous career changes. These stresses acted as a catalyst for a jarring internal shift in her. As she entered a professional circle adjacent to cosmetic surgery, she underwent a profound transformation—moving from "quirky hippie" aesthetics and indie music to crop tops, miniskirts, and "girly pop" commercialism. It was a rapid descent into a materialistic and shallow worldview that I found fundamentally incompatible with my own "experience-forward" values. While she critiqued me for becoming more "conservative" due to my work environment, the truth was simpler: she was chasing status, while I was seeking substance. We weren't just arguing; we were becoming strangers.

3. What was going on with me before?

I was aware of the disconnect but chose to compartmentalize it, channeling my energy into the "logistics" of life—renovating our home and excelling at my new job. I viewed our distance as a natural "ebb" in the long-term cycle of a relationship. Having experienced a similar emotional lull the year prior and successfully worked through it, I assumed she was simply in a waning phase that would eventually wax again. In hindsight, I was blinded by my own optimism. I overlooked her history of similar behaviors, mistakenly attributing her past red flags to "naivety" rather than a settled pattern of character. I was busy building a home; she was already checking out of it.

4. What did I feel during the betrayal?

As the evidence mounted, I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. Because I was being heavily gaslit, I lived in a state of terrifying cognitive dissonance—trapped between what my eyes saw and what the person I trusted most told me. This trauma was magnified by playing out on a public stage within our social circle, adding a layer of humiliation to the confusion. It felt like a desperate battle for my own sanity until the evidence finally reached a tipping point and the truth became undeniable to everyone.

5. Why did I feel that way?

The "insanity" I felt was the direct result of a calculated effort to undermine my perception of truth. They weren't just lying to protect the affair; they were actively attempting to weaponize my support system against me to save their own reputations. The pain wasn't just the betrayal of my heart, but a betrayal of the mind—the cruelty of being told I was "crazy" for noticing things that were actually happening.

6. Did it change me?

Yes, and predominantly for the better. The betrayal forced a complete "system reset." In the aftermath, I adopted a "Yes Man" philosophy, intentionally opening myself up to experiences I would have previously declined. I channeled the emotional fallout into radical physical and mental discipline: I reached peak physical condition, fell in love with martial arts, and immersed myself in psychology and self-improvement.

This process forced me to get crystal-clear on my non-negotiables. I stopped merely accepting what was available and started actively seeking what I actually wanted. Most importantly, I can now confidently say that unwavering faithfulness is the overarching principle I require in a partner. It is the gatekeeper of the relationship; only when trust is absolute can other characteristics even be explored.

I’ve come to believe that faithfulness only exists when it is omnipresent. It is not a status that can be broken and then renegotiated; it is a binary. It is all or nothing. Without that foundational constancy, the rest of the relationship is built on sand.

7. How did the betrayal change the other party?

I have maintained almost total "No Contact," save for a brief, clinical email exchange regarding the house. To her limited credit, she signed over full ownership without a fight. From what I gather, she has traded a stable, growth-oriented life for one of stagnancy in a dilapidated part of the city, repeating cycles of dependency with a partner whose history suggests volatility and possible abuse. While I am ultimately uninterested in her path, it serves as a stark reminder of the "cycle of betrayal" that some people are simply unwilling to break.

8. Did it make me stronger?

Indisputably. There is a unique, hardened strength that comes from having your reality shattered and discovering that you possess the tools to rebuild it better than it was before.

9. What did I lose or gain?

I lost my "inherited" trust—the naive assumption that most people are inherently honest or capable of change. I now believe that while some can change, most don't. However, I gained a profound level of self-awareness and a high-resolution understanding of my own boundaries. The only lingering "scar" is a recurring, intellectual fascination with the mechanics of betrayal; though the wound has healed, the subject remains a point of interest that I continue to navigate from a safe distance.

As a final reflection, it is impossible to ignore the divergent lessons we learned from our childhoods. I grew up watching my father’s life crumble as a direct result of his infidelity. To this day, his existence is a cautionary tale of isolation. This past Christmas, he spent the holiday at his former AP’s (Affair Partner) parents' house, solely to be near her "affair baby" because no one else in his original life wanted him around. The irony is staggering: his AP cheated on him, and he has now been reduced to a peripheral figure in a life that isn't even his. To me, it is the ultimate picture of emasculation—a man who traded his integrity for a seat at someone else's table.

In stark contrast, her father also committed infidelity but seemingly flourished. He moved to a scenic part of the country and built a life that appears happy, peaceful, and unburdened by consequence.

I don't believe this is a coincidence. We both entered the relationship with a blueprint for what happens after a betrayal: I saw a life destroyed by a lack of character, while she saw a life upgraded by it. I witnessed the wreckage and learned that infidelity is a poison; she witnessed the "success" and likely learned that it was a viable path to a new beginning. We were operating on two entirely different moral maps.

Dress it up anyway you like, people need dire consequences to learn.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:25 AM, Wednesday, January 14th]

- Could have I done it if I was the WS?

I just want to point out that if I am the WS, then I’ve already done it. 🙄

More seriously I don’t doubt that there’s many a WS that after they’ve semi-mindlessly taken that step, ask himself what the hell have I done?

We in general assume way too much rationality and consistency from humans. Humans absolutely do irrational things all the time. They absolutely can hold to conflicting opinions on things.

You can see that in a BS. They can simultaneously say that we wish they had never married their WS, and also say that our children (who came via the WS) are the greatest joy of their life.

Those two things conflict.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:54 PM, Wednesday, January 14th]

- Could I survive it if I was the BS?

Nearly a decade beyond discovery, I have more than survived, life is as good or better than ever.

- Could have I done it if I was the WS?

I grew up a very black and white thinker, I also thought infidelity ONLY happens if one person is DONE being in the relationship. My take evolved pretty quick after discovery — some more black and white and conversly, a great deal of empathy for my wife’s life overall.

That said, my boundaries were pretty good, but I absolutely understand how quick someone can push inside those boundaries if there is any kind of mutual attraction or respect with another person. I think I stayed faithful because I recognized the pain it would cause — I somehow saw the risk/reward wasn’t worth it.

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal?

My wife was as low as she had ever been, suffering from postpartum depression, and was a perfectionist who had done every single right thing in life, and was miserable anyway. She never missed a day of school, a day of work, a day of church and we had moved to get away from her un-loving family. The move away from home made her feel even more isolated as she wasn’t great at sharing her feelings on any of it.

All that and NOTHING ever excuses the choice to cheat, IMHO.

I just know she was more vulnerable than before, for a person who previously showed no vulnerability at all.

- What was going on with me before?

I was a young father, working two jobs. I was gone a lot, including many weekends. We were beyond broke and every penny counted, I thought I was doing what was needed, and when you add my 70-hours away from the house every week, it added to the aforementioned isolation for my wife.

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too)

I knew something was wrong, and we struggled. Financial struggles, two toddlers are not easy, we both worked, it was uphill both ways. To this day, I’ll not understand how she had the energy to pull it off — family friend AP was also a father of two and worked (but same company as my wife), but pretty darned busy as well.

- Why did I feel that way?

We were best friends in addition to husband and wife — there was definitely distance we hadn’t experienced before in the M. Again, I knew something was off, just not that far off.

- Did it change me?

A much wiser man than me noted, "A man never steps into the same river twice."

Life is change. So, yes, I changed as every other life experience has changed me, and infidelity offered some welcome changes for me.

Before the A, I accomadated or acquiesced to family, friends and my wife — but I became the priority after the A.

Building my life around what I want and need is far better than building my life around what I hope happens (as I used to do).

It makes me healthier and happier and in the long run, a far better partner as well.

- Did it make it me/you stronger?

I thought I was pretty strong before, former US Marine, coaching American football for 20-years — I found I can take a physical punch far easier than an emotional one. So, yeah, a unique kind of strength was discovered on my road back.

- Did I lose / gained something from it?

I think my M lost the sense of innocence it had, the youthful naiveté we had definitely gets wiped out.

I personally didn’t lose anything from her worst days, her worst choices.

Infidelity hits harder than anything I’ve been hit with, caused a massive amount of pain, and yet, while it is the most personal thing ever, it also had very little to do with me at all. Pain yes, shame no. I only ever operated with the knowledge I had at the time, I just loved my family — no shame in that.

My wife never set out to hurt anyone, she was escaping her existence (her childhood, her responsibilities, her life) and I was definitely a part of her responsibilities she was avoiding. So again, super personal and also not on me at all.

I can’t make anyone cheat.

I also understand people fall and fail everyday.

I have failed in my own ways over time, and while I didn’t fail the same way, I ain’t perfect. That allowed me some space to see if my wife learned from her fall or not.

Ultimately, I never even knew R was a thing. See above, I thought when people cheat they were automatically opting out versus poor coping skills or other not fully formed choices people make to avoid reality (say alcohol or gambling, etc).

- Could have I done it?

No, there's no way I could have done what he did. I couldn't (and still can't) stomach the thought of touching/being touched by some other person in an intimate way. I had always established strong boundaries socially/emotionally because I was a female engineer working in tech, surrounded by males since college.

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal?

Covid had shut everything down, and he was working from home and missing the camaraderie of the office, especially the woman on his team that he'd grown close to (in his head, he called her his "work wife"). He and I weren't intimate as often because I was sleeping in a separate bedroom on weeknights due to migraines and his very loud snoring. I had also lost some libido due to perimenopause.

- What was going on with me before?

Aside from some minor health problems, nothing unusual. I'd just thrown him a huge birthday party before the shutdown. I was frustrated that he wouldn't take action to reduce his snoring, and I didn't know what I could do about my libido, but I did my best to make sure we were still having sex 1-2 times a week.

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too)
- Why did I feel that way?

"During" lasted 2 years, and I cried alone, I cried to him, we had several long talks after he cut me off from sex and cut me out of the bedroom permanently with no good explanation, bought a car without consulting, started drinking daily, and was either irritable or tipsy whenever he was around me.

I felt lonely, confused, and hurt. I didn't understand why he was acting so distant, and he gaslit me multiple times, including saying "that's silly," when I brought up that my therapist wondered if he was having an affair. The only reason I even had a therapist was because he no longer discussed things with me. It got to the point that I barely spoke to him other then grocery lists or logistics. I didn't even talk about my concerns regarding our child.

About a year into his affair, I became chronically ill and eventually disabled. He was supportive physically to a point, but when I was having nightmares and begged him to spend a few nights me, he refused and said he was often working in the middle of the night and didn't want to disturb my sleep. It was cruel, and he admitted after dday that he felt guilty and uncomfortable around me.

- Did it change me?

Yes, I'm very cynical about love now, and very skeptical of people's words. I'm hypervigilant to actions not matching words and to people not doing what they say they'll do.

I also suspect that my disabling chronic illness is due in part to the emotional toll of the past 5 years.

- Did it make it me/you stronger?

No, far from it. I will always wonder if I would've recovered more fully from being sick if the person who was supposed to love and care for me hadn't been busy giving that to someone else.

- Did I lose / gained something from it?

My heart is broken, and I find it hard to feel love or attachment to anyone now, including my child and my parents. I feel close to them, but my walls are up.

I've gained a lot of knowledge about grief, betrayal, and human nature that I never wanted. Thanks to the upcoming divorce, I have better control over my financial security (I'm the saver, he is the spender), and I will be spending more time with my parents, which is good considering their age.

On balance, at this point (3 years from dday), I can't see anything good in all this. I'm about to be a divorced, disabled 50ish woman who is going to move in with her parents. I expect to be single for the rest of my life. My child will have to split her time between two households for the rest of her life. My stbx ruined what was a good thing with his LTA and subsequent false R, lies, and selfish behavior. At this point, I regret marrying him, I regret having a child with him, and I regret wasting the best years of my life on him.

All that said, I am much happier away from him than around, I have friends and a freelance career that I work on when I can, and I'm in a smaller space that I can manage alone.

Your question "How did it change you" is poorly worded, as it suggests passiveness in the process, lack of agency. Better to ask "How did you change in response" or something similar.

You have choices, you control your healing (unless you try to outsource it to the WS). You can decide to at least try to take a path that can cause you to grow in a positive way from the adversity.

When one person gives in or backs down to avoid arguments, that person becomes the person who has given up some power. And the opposition counts on it and knows it.

I mean, that’s definitely not a healthy relationship dynamic, either. I’m struggling to understand why there is such a power struggle here. Why is he seeming to need permission from you to do things? You’re not his mother.

Do you guys ever just… calmly discuss an issue and come to mutual conclusion that you’re both okay with? Yeah, sometimes there are things that can only go one way or the other and compromise isn’t an option. But at the end of the discussion, you should both agree that the decision you came to is the best one. Both of you should feel like winners.

Like if my husband and I were in your shoes, he’d probably be like "Hey honey, is it okay if I took the car golfing today?" (Good to check in so he’s not inconveniencing me, if we only have one car, I suppose.) And then I would probably say, "Do you have time for that? I need to be at X at 3, which means I need to leave by 2:30. How far away is the golf course from home?" And then he’d run the calculation and know what time he had to leave if he was going, and whether that was enough time to do his thing. If it wasn’t, he would simply not go, and if it was, he would go having had that conversation and having a "leave by" time in mind. Then there can be no doubt that he knows I need to be somewhere because we had that detailed conversation.

If it was getting close to the time he was supposed to be leaving and I saw he was still golfing, or if he had a tendency to forget, I would call and remind him, and he would either assure me he’ll be home on time, thank me for the reminder if he forgot, or apologize if he was running late… No power struggle, just working
together, having patience and respect for one another, and acknowledging sometimes people make mistakes. I know when I have a bad habit like being late, he’s willing to be patient and help me overcome it, too.

- Could have I done it?

No. I viewed marriage as a sacred union and never thought about divorce, assuming I would have a life long relationship with this man I completely trust just like my parents do, still holding hands on their walks in their 70s. I called off an engagement when I was younger because I found myself attracted to another man at a church retreat. Even though I never made my feeling known to him or others, I doubted whether I truly loved my fiancé. If I got attracted to other men after we got married it would be excruciating for both of us. I would not want that kind of confusion and pain on him or me.

- What was going on with my partner before the Betrayal?

Well my Dday was about a month ago. But last night I found a memo on his old iPad that he had A ten years back in 2015 and considered leaving me back then. It was shocking at another level. I tried to piece back what was happening at that time. He was not doing well in his job then and had to go through a major surgery during which time he was not paid. So I was trying take care of him and support household expenses on my income. I revised his resume and prepped him for interviews for new jobs which he started later that year. My memory is hazy whether his new job offer came before or after that A day.

- What was going on with me before?

I didn’t notice anything. I was busy with my work and trying to take care of him (who was admitted to ER four times a year followed by hospitalization) and making ends meet. Maybe I wasn’t paying too much attention to his emotional needs as I was too worried about practical matters like mortgage payment and medical bills. It never occurred to me with his physical condition he would find time and mental capacity to date other woman.

- What did I feel during? (Not just WS, BS often "know" something is up too)

I’m still in the during maybe early stage. For the Dday last month I felt him behaving different from the distant person as he had been for months. I was angry, and sad, and I have not told my parents yet because if we decided to R I don’t want my parents know about his affair and hate him. Now I think that door is shut. I feel bitter now, the last ten years I spent time and passion building was a house of cards. And what hurt me most was him telling me not to harass his girlfriend. He puts protecting her feelings above mine and made me feel I am just an inconvenience on his path to a bright future. Maybe this whole marriage thing was my illusion after all.

- Why did I feel that way?

I felt if he acted on his exit plan and let me go ten years ago when I was 40 I may still be able to find hope in relationship and love. Now I’m 50 and lost trust in men. I used to think despite his health issues he was a man with integrity and I was always proud of him. I was also very satisfied that we share our location and can check each others phone messages and have a transparent relationship. Now I know he was on AshleyMadison and drafted a pros and cons list and the pros list was very short but cons list very long.

- Did it change me?

I’m cynical now. When my friends say they know their husbands I would scoff in my heart and think no you don’t. He might have very dark places in his heart that you have no idea. I became the first person in my family that is divorcing. With a few cousins talked about separating from their spouses for years but never did, I think no one expected me to be the one and it’s progressing to divorce very quickly. Even though my husband moved out two weeks ago we could be divorced in a month or two.

- Did it make it me/you stronger?

Not sure. I do have more time to take care of myself and finally go on that Europe trip that my husband didn’t want to go. I just hope it wouldn’t be too much of a shock to my parents when I tell them soon. It breaks my heart when they asked how he is recovering after his neck surgery three months ago. I said he is doing very well now (apparently, taking his 25-years-old date to shopping trips).

- Did I lose / gained something from it?

I lost the soul mate I thought I had. I suddenly have a degree of freedom that I never thought I would have at this age. I thought I will be at this house till I retire. Have a few more dogs and walk them down the trail behind the house. But I was told by my husband yesterday that he would like to buy me out. And since I work remotely, I could move anywhere now. The options are so wide I don’t even know where to start. Should I move close to my parents or other family members? Should I buy a house near where I want to retire so it will be paid off when I retire? I don’t want to make this big decision as I am going through the process of divorce right now. For now I’m focusing on downsizing my belongings to what an apartment can hold. Hopefully when I come out on the other side my future outlook will be clearer and more optimistic.

[This message edited by Sadnanxious at 12:51 AM, Thursday, January 15th]

​GotTheMorbs

​Please don’t take this the wrong way (though I realize this may read as harsh), but while it’s clear you’re attempting to help, this feels like unsolicited advice. The1stWife hasn't requested a critique of her relationship and seems quite satisfied with her stance.

​There is also a bit of a "glass houses" element here. You’ve described how you and your partner argue, and it could be interpreted that your husband has historically "backed down" (as The1stWife might put it) too much.

​Could it not be argued that this was a factor in you believing you could have an affair and get away with it? There is an argument to be made that if someone cheats on their partner while intending to keep the marriage, they must, to some degree, view their partner as a pushover. Perhaps if your partner had been less compromising and had "put his foot down" at the appropriate times, you wouldn't have felt you could betray him and still preserve the marriage.

As much as account regale us with the metaphor of 'the fog' that they lost control of themselves during the affair. Or felt like they were watching someone else unable to control or stop themselves, I'm entirely convinced that having strong boundaries from the start of a relationship cuts out a solid chunk of affairs. Yes, you will still have a percent of people who cheat. Exit affairs will be unaffected but if everyone who ever considered cheating knew for a fact they would get divorced and lose half their assets upon discovery, I'm certain we'd see a solid reduction in infidelity.

​After all, you wrote that you'd bet even if you were caught, you didn’t think your husband would have divorced you. I can say with absolute clarity that my current (non-wayward) partner would not be under that same illusion. This is precisely because I have maintained firm boundaries and discussed how vital faithfulness is to me. Does this mean she will never cheat? Well I hope not but I least I know she will be aware that she will be packing her bags immediately.

​All of this is to say: you may feel her dynamic is unhealthy, but one could easily argue that a relationship where a spouse cheats and demands emotional openness after betraying trust—all without the threat of divorce— who still misses contact with their AP - is a far more unhealthy situation. I think it would have done you both a lot of good if he outlined heavy consequences of your actions to you.

​It is often recommended that Betrayed Spouses establish firm boundaries when attempting Reconciliation. Many Waywards see an inch and take a mile; it isn't until they encounter a firm boundary that they understand they won't get away with their behavior. This is how I interpret The1stWife’s actions and would recommend the same to your partner.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:13 AM, Thursday, January 15th]

Didn’t mean to start "something". Thank you Dr Soolers for explaining my point. Spot on.

If the interpretation that standing up for myself is anything other than standing up for myself, I don’t know how else to explain it.

Before dday2 of affair2 I was very willing to give in on things that I felt were not very important. Post dday2 of affair2 I don’t compromise on anything "major".

The reason being is that his 2nd affair started because he was angry with me because I refused to give in on something extremely serious and important. Something he readily agreed to.

Instead of him talking to me about how he really felt, he started doing things that were very disrespectful to me (and petty). When I would calmly say something he would refuse to discuss it. But then repeat, repeat, repeat.

Soooo…….long story short as a result of the affair, him kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW and his plan to D me, I have changed.

I’m good with him or without him. Living my best life. And if he’s unhappy he’s free to leave. No one is forcing him to stay.

And on the thread of being his mother, I am not playing that role and doing things I used to do. When I did the hard 180 after dday2 I stopped doing anything for him. And 12 years later I still don’t his laundry or his errands or cook his dinner 7 nights a week.

Like I said. Living my best life.

Enough of the thread Jack.

Would my H survive an affair if I cheated? Doubtful.

Do I know "why" his last affair started? Absolutely. See above.

Do I know why his first EA started? Absolutely. He loved the ego boost he got from other women. And the first OW was very very interested in replacing me and I knew it from the second I met her.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:44 AM, Thursday, January 15th]

Your question "How did it change you" is poorly worded, as it suggests passiveness in the process, lack of agency. Better to ask "How did you change in response" or something similar.

You have choices, you control your healing (unless you try to outsource it to the WS). You can decide to at least try to take a path that can cause you to grow in a positive way from the adversity.

Absolutely true. See it as an open question, it may affect you two ways. You might be passive and letting the storm hit you, or you can reclaim your own agency. The only thing we know is that (unless exceptions I missed) betrayal changes you.

Consider the questions as open questions, and also add your own most felt ones. This is an open mirror, each reflection might have something else to add.

I am very interest to hear from Wayward Partners, though I suppose it might be more taxing, there is no judgement on this thread, is self understanding.

I felt if he acted on his exit plan and let me go ten years ago when I was 40 I may still be able to find hope in relationship and love. Now I’m 50 and lost trust in men.

@Sadnanxious - I feel your grief and understand you. I think it is a natural part of the process to feel distrust for the other gender when our partner betrayed us so deeply. I can feel you are finding yourself and this show you can heal and find your peace.

I know these are words of comfort coming from a younger man, but I felt what you feel now when it was my turn, after this integration and finding your new self though, you might discover that you will have a deeper understanding of the other gender and from a place of peace you will be able to find a deeper connection too, since your scars will be able to notice the red flags and have clarity about what you want in a relationship.

I think age will be less of a factor when you will feel ready to open again. Mind this is no platitude or a virtual hug, I get it; just believe there are many people it there who are worthy and looking for the secure attachment of a real partnership.