SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today is my daughters birthday. She had to work at 5am and left before 4am. I have been running ragged the last few days trying to get Christmas, birthday stuff wrapped and done.

The dog died almost two weeks ago and the vet called yesterday to tell me his ashes are there.

The power was out last week for two days and I lost all the food in the fridge, which cost a small fortune to replace.

I have been so damn tired lately trying to find some Christmas spirit and my daughter is still grieving. She wanted no cake as she normally took a photo with Jeeves by her side as she blew out the candles. I barely have any bulbs on my tree, when normally I've have elaborate hand made ornaments. My theme was Grinch for last year, and I couldn't find any of the ornaments.

I got up at 5:30 am to make a roast, potatoes, carrots which is one of her all time favorites so we could have a special family dinner all together. I have 3 of my 5 adult kids at home and one bonus which is her boyfriend. I was at the store when it opened to get balloons, and got roses and put them in a vase. I took it all to her work and she was delighted. I then went shopping for additional potatoes and goodies at Costco.

Now comes the death knoll for me. Her other brother calls and informs me that their dad wants to have dinner with them at 2:30. I opted out as lately he's been hostile toward me, especially after he forced me to hire his new girlfriend. She's a former meth dealer that went to prison and is on probation for 3 more years. She's a real winner. I can't stand her and want nothing to do with her. I never want to meet or talk to her. She's the 3rd woman he has forced me to hire in two years that he's dated. Now all my plans to have a special birthday with my daughter are ruined. We normally watch the 1960's Grinch and Rudolf together.

My daughter tells me that he told her if I go he will leave his gf at home, but if I don't go then he's bringing her. I'd already opted out due to his hostility toward me in general. My daughter said it was a free dinner and they'd eat the roast later for "dinner" with me. They aren't going to want to eat till probably after 6:30 or later, and I had planed the food to be done around 3:30 as she went to work so early.

Now I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm in a nose dive. My ex's gf isn't family, she's just the newest one he's hooked up with. I'm family. It's MY DAUGHTER not hers. Why is she even there? He and his gf are having dinner with my daughter and his gf made the reservation for lunch, and didn't invite one of her brothers. He would think not being invited was intentional. My daughter makes a call and he's invited, and is none the wiser.

I feel so alone right now. I have to wait to eat with them later after they come back so that some bimbo can have lunch with the child I gave birth to. This isn't right, it's not supposed to feel like this. I can't describe what I'm feeling, but I can't stop crying, and I don't want to do this anymore. I give up. I can't make this feeling go away.

How can he pop in at the last minute and act like he gives a damn? The world stops to accommodate him and I'm left in the cold. I feel like going to bed and not bothering to eat with them when they come back. This has ruined my day and I don't feel much like trying to make it special anymore.

You’ve been heard. Sending hugs and support. You are valued and a person of integrity. You are a source of strength and comfort for your children. It hurts when they take your efforts for granted and seem to reward a Disney parent who only drops in infrequently. Are your children aware of his awful, intentionally hurtful behavior. If not you should let them know how he treats you. You can do it in a calm, matter-of-fact discussion so they can understand they are being used and manipulated to hurt you. They are old enough to understand.

While you are still in this seeming prison-type relationship with such a vindictive individual understand you need to develop a way to steel yourself against the hurt. Think of what a pathetic, juvenile individual needs to deliberately force his Ex to deal with his current dates. He truly is pathetic. Enjoy your children and Christmas. Good luck.

Muggle, that is all really awful, and I can see why you feel hurt and despair. You put so much effort into making it a special day, only to have your horrible ex jump and disregard all your plans. And of course you don't want to drag your kids into the middle of it, so you swallow your lumps, but the lumps are made of thorns and they hurt going down. Your ex is utterly inconsiderate and selfish.

I know we're all advised to protect our kids by not divulging all the terrible details of what has happened to us, but it is REALLY HARD sometimes, and it's unfair that we're the ones who end up suffering on top all the other pain we've been through.

I hope your day got a little better in the evening and that dinner went okay.

What a disappointment and yet another example of your XWS being an inconsiderate jerk.

I’m so sorry you had to eat that shit sandwich. I hope when you all did get together that it was wonderful.

(Also, did your kids know how much work you put in to the special dinner and what time it was planned for? And I agree that they should have some understanding of how horrible your ex has continued being to you.).

Holidays are hard — I hope that today is better for you and a little of that Christmas magic comes through.

Our "kids" are adults ranging from 24-28. They are all fully aware of all the vile things he's done. They've lived it too, they have trauma but not the same kind I do from it. They can choose to interact. I'm stuck in an endless loop of feeling like I can never get past the fact he's treated every woman after me better and they made all the years I was with him pointless and a waste of my life.

He did for them all the things he wouldn't do for me, spent time with their kids but not his own. Took them places we never went, made time to spend with them, remembered special occasions. He treats them like they are the center of the universe and I was some black hole. This makes it feel like swallowing razor blades that I got all the crappy years and they come in at the last moment and take all the rewards I never got. This on top of hearing my daughters bf tell me that all the workers know they're together, as they call each other "lovey" and end each call with "I love you". I don't want to sound shallow but this woman isn't an upgrade. She's bottom of the barrel, the easy catch. Both of them are broken and probably no one else wanted them, but still they found each other.

He's the type of "Disney" dad that shows up for other women's kids but not his own unless it's convenient. He left our daughter with her step sister, (his adult daughter that has nothing to do with him) and her siblings in a Denny's 8 years ago so he could go outside to talk the the 2nd to last affair partner about buying her tampons. He was outside long enough for everyone there to finish their meals without him, and his daughter cried through the whole dinner.

When his daughter last year made Father's Day plans with him, he blew her off. She called to find out he was at Great Wolf Lodge with the woman he was dating that was 33 years younger. He spent it with her kids and acted like it was no big deal, they could reschedule another day. Her own father did that.

This year when she called her father after she had a car accident two hours from home, looking for him to come help her, he was too busy babysitting young kids from another woman he was dating. He told her he could tell her what needed to be done.

If I won the lotto I'd move and never look back. Nothing there but pain. I found out yesterday that the new gf quit her job and will now be working full time for him. She's stepped into my shoes without the blisters, or the trauma. He makes concessions for her that he doesn't for others.

I don't know what God's plan is, but I'm at the end of my rope. I'm going to start documenting everything in case he tries to eliminate my job.

He made another stab a couple of days ago to get me to help him with his text message retrieval for his sexual harassment lawsuit. I had told him no, that it makes me uncomfortable as that was a woman I also worked with and I don't want to read or see their texts. Her attorney's are asking for more money than I received for 25 years together, which seems absolutely unfathomable.

As always the IRS is looming, so is his lawsuit, he has her to lean on for the fun stuff, and he thinks I'm going to step in and save the day like I've always done because my job depends on his staying afloat. Karma is taking it's sweet time if it's coming.

Hugs (((Muggle))). You need a few. You are a great mom. You don't deserve any of this.

I went through something similar and I eventually learned to stop facilitating everyone. That meant my child too. Your STBX is a jackass, and if your grown kids are aware of that as you suggest, then shame on them for giving him first dibs on holiday time at your expense. You have a right to tell them they've been inconsiderate to you, and you are hurt.

This is not about putting your kids in the middle of your divorce or asking them to choose. This is about kids being respectful of their mother and the incredible efforts you've made for their happiness. He operates like you and your feelings don't exist, and just plans what he wants to do. It's time you start doing the same.

You will get through this. Eat when it's ready, and when you want to. If they show up after their day with him, tell them where the left overs are. They're grown. I assume they know how to operate a microwave.

Merry Christmas Muggles.

I think they are surviving and trying to navigate shark filled water. They all gravitate toward me, and have minimal contact with their dad. A dinner here and there that most times they have to make first contact. He shows up occasionally when needed but only briefly.

He really did trade his family in for a new one years ago. I've been the backbone and sole person in their lives and they come to me for most everything. I believe they want to try to appease us both, and tried to make it work by meeting him for "lunch", even though it was later in the day. I was disappointed and felt robbed of the time I had planned out ahead of time.

The genuinely annoying part is he never makes any plans, he shows up at the last minute. He can plan a date with whatever woman he's chasing, but can't plan ahead for his kids, is seems. I'm tired of him getting a participation award for minimal.

Stay out of my lane if you aren't going to drive is how I feel. He left me with 97% of all the burdens and heartache, and prioritized booty call over being present.

Last I checked there wasn't a course teaching us how to navigate after being thrown to the curb, betrayed and emotionally destroyed. No one tells you how to breathe, function or do all the things you have never done in your life that a man or woman did for you for decades when they were your partner. The reality is it's a crash course on top of dealing with all the emotions, anger, grief, at the same time. You feel empty, but none of this was your doing, but you are suffering and they aren't. They may suffer in time, but for the moment you are alone in your anguish. All the moments you are an inch from giving up, tapping out or completely unable to cope you still have to. I wish they could feel what they've caused in it's full force, but some will never face the music. Some will and we may not be there to have the satisfaction of knowing it comes full circle back to them.

For anyone feeling alone, neglected, invisible you are seen here if no where else. You are showing up and getting no reward for it. You are being a good parent, are still a good person. Your views on life may be jaded for a time, but I'm hoping that won't last forever. I really do believe he is NOT a good person and I've been seeing him in his true form for some time now.

Even a serial killer can appear nice some of the time. I need to remember he is a creature of habit and the cycle will likely repeat in time.

He’s probably going to die alone.

Formerpeopleperson ( member) posted at 5:41 PM on Thursday, December 25th, 2025
He’s probably going to die alone.

My real nightmare is him realizing she is his last call so to speak. I'll then be forced to sit ringside for 4-5 more years having a constant reminder and view in my daily workday until I'm old enough to walk away and retire. It would be nauseating, and a constant reminder that my hard work and decades of my life benefited her and she received what I earned.

My gut still tells me she has a shelf life of about 2 years before things really start to fall apart. I discovered yesterday that my Facebook messages he sent me no longer all show up on my computer. I think he's deleting parts he doesn't want her to view. Entire conversations. This is a big red flag that he's already shielding her from the truth. She knows only what he's told her, and we all know from experience that's going to be an altered version of his true actions. Can't be a hero if your life is full of ugly things you've done. They always rewrite history to be in their favor.

He may well die alone. On some level I think I'd like him to feel every bit of the pain he's caused. I want him to get what he deserves, and a happily ever after isn't one of those things he deserves.

Muggle, I couldn't imagine working with my stbx and watching him date and hire girlfriends and such. I'd be desperately looking for a way out. Is there no other option for you? Living on rice and beans might be preferable to your current situation. Can you lean on your adult kids for financial help to get yourself free of this man?

One of the big friction points with my stbx over the past 5 years (3 of which were affair years) was how much he spends. He decided to take up a new hobby recently, and after I told him I wanted a divorce, his spending went into 5 figures (yes, on a hobby - while he's unemployed!!) and I had to watch because I've always handled paying the bills. He paid me back all the money as part of the financial settlement, but it still stressed me out. Now that I don't have to see it anymore (he handles his own bills now too), I'm much more at peace.

I really hope you have an exit plan or can find a way out of your miserable situation.

Muggle, I couldn't imagine working with my stbx and watching him date and hire girlfriends and such. I'd be desperately looking for a way out. Is there no other option for you? Living on rice and beans might be preferable to your current situation. Can you lean on your adult kids for financial help to get yourself free of this man?

When he bailed out in 2018 he left all our kids for his new family. I've had them all since 2018. He takes no responsibility for any of their expenses that weren't court ordered. He has done some car repairs and random things but it's a one and done type thing when it happens. He's what another poster called a "Disney dad".

Due to the cost of living, two out of our three still live with me. One son moved out recently and started a six figure job, and is supporting himself now. My daughter was joined by her bf in 2019 as his home life was unstable. My adult son from before we had our 3 children returned after decades of being in drug addiction and a prison sentence. He's been sober 5 years and I had him when I was 20. He can't find a job due to his charges. This child was part of the two I had prior and WS one prior. They are all on their own. His daughter from prior has ZERO contact with him. She hates him.

My daughter works a full time job. Her bf works for my WS occasionally and has no car or license. We live in a rural area, no bus, 14 miles from town. My other son has some emotional issues and hasn't worked at all in years. He's in his late twenties. It's been an uphill battle trying for him since 2018.

The prior son, works for my WS as he can't find work, has no car, no license in 15 years and he has a lengthy criminal history due to the drug use. He's doing exceptionally well other than having no real future due to mistakes made more than a decade ago.

I'm the only income, and that income comes from the business I used to be in with my WS. I am approaching 63, and no real significant SSN built up as I stayed home to raise kids and supported his career. No alimony as our 25 years were common law. I have a paid off house, WS lives in a rental and hates that I got "his house".

I can't see a path where I can financially make it without this income. It's $4200 a month, but I have a car payment of $558, and all the bills. My daughter was paying rent, but is trying to move out and had a car accident and totaled the car she had. It raised my insurance rates, and she lives paycheck to paycheck. She does cover all her and her bf expenses, but nothing left over for rent or utilities.

I just need to make it till 67 and then I can retire, if he doesn't decide to yank the rug out from under me again. I think he knows better than to mess with my job. He can make me miserable at work, but ultimately he lost his ass the last time he messed with me in the divorce. I know where all his skeletons are and I would not hesitate to expose them if he does me dirty and fires me. I would have an employment attorney on speed dial and I would roast marshmallows on the bonfire of his life.

I have no intention of doing any of that if he leaves my income alone. I agree it is horrible, and it makes me sick sometimes watching it happen.

He gives other employees bonuses and not me. He treats me far worse than any of his other workers, but he's not a fun boss on the best of days. He has a high turnover rate, has tantrums, and generally treats people great if it benefits him, but the minute that changes then he's hating them and looking for ways to fire them. He depends on me for an enormous amount of things in his business. I'm the keeper of secrets, the one that watches his back, and the one that has saved his business and ass a dozen times over.

He's always angry at me and hates that he owes me money. The last round when we were together I kept his business afloat, paid his employees, loaned him money and he still owes me roughly $24,000. How he could be angry that I saved his business is beyond me, but he rationalizes that he "lost it all" because I hired an attorney and stole his assets from him. He really figured he could give me what he wanted and live happily ever after, and that didn't happen when we divorced.

I hope in time I can sell the house, and move. IF he stays with the "low rent" gf he has now and he financially recovers from the IRS, business taxes and personal taxes he owes, he plans to move back to "home" which is either 3 doors down or 1.5 miles from me on the land that was my parents he got in the divorce. He wants to build on one of those properties, and that would be an entirely different nightmare to navigate.

Muggle, sometimes you just have to accept reality. Your ex has less morals than an amoeba. Who he hurts needs to get over it as far as he is concerned.
Type this out and make several copies to paste wherever you feel sad. This appeared years ago and helps bs understand who the ws really is.

The Narcissist Poem

That didn’t happen
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad
And if it was, that’s not a big deal
And if it is, that’s not my fault
And if it was, I didn’t mean it
And if I did, you deserved it

Pretty much sums up why dealing with self centered people get us nowhere.

Muggle, that all sounds really hard, and you are clearly doing your best under difficult circumstances. You're a very good person and good mother. I'm glad you have an exit ramp, even if it's 4 years away. I really hope you find some peace after that. In the meantime, we're here when you need to vent.

He invited our kids to his house for a Christmas party tonight. Seemed his gf's family and friends were there. Our kids stayed a couple of hours. He gave everyone/employees their paychecks 2 days before Christmas. He met our kids on Christmas Eve (daughter's bday) in my town, at the restaurant we used to go to, that he now occasionally takes his gf. He gave our daughter's bf his check, and our oldest son his check. He "forgot" to bring my check, and my other son's check.

Yesterday he said he would then give our checks to our kids to bring home at his Christmas party tonight, and he claimed he "left them at the office". No checks for us.

Last year he gave me a Christmas card, chocolates, $200, two tshirts, and a gift card for a restaurant. We still buy gifts for each other for Christmas, although not as elaborate as when we were together.

Tonight they came home with my gift for me, It was a $22 bottle of caramel whiskey. The same one we used to drink together occasionally. He put a gift card in there for the employee party I missed due to him stating he was taking his gf to the same restaurant. He spent less on me than he did his employees. He bought my daughters bf a $100 gift card, and $75 for the restaurant.

For some odd reason his "gift" really bothered me. It was telling, and cold. Not that I expected him to be warm and fuzzy, it seemed like he intended it to hurt my feelings and let me know that's that he considers me nothing special at all.

I had an AI book made for him that included our kids, him with a reference to me working with him and being his ex wife in a sci fi theme about NASA and going to Mars that he is interested in. It was funny and lighthearted, nothing nasty or serious. It cost me close to $70 and I thought that was something he would genuinely enjoy. I wrote a note inside that was from the heart, and quoted a Star Trek quote he loved.

Guess I know now that he's making a statement, and I got the message. Time to stop making him feel like he's worthy of gifts for the future. I'm not materialistic at all, if the gift had been from the heart and worth $5 I'd have been happy. I think it was intended to have a specific impact, and now he can Live Long and Prosper far from me. Live and learn, this lesson was one I didn't see coming.