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I am currently in a trauma center receiving intensive therapy, and there is a common analogy that I've come to love that I thought the people at SI would appreciate:

Colorado is the only place in the country that both cows and buffalo roam freely in the valleys between mountains. The climate of this area causes frequent thunderstorms that come in from the Rocky Mountains in the West. When the storms roll in, the cows and buffalo react in opposite ways: cows run East away from the storms, which prolong their exposure and suffering. Buffalo run West into the storms, which allows them to get through them faster and minimizing exposure.

My entire life, I have been a cow. I repressed painful memories of my childhood, I avoided conflict with people close to me, and I avoided telling the truth to people I hurt. Every single one of these choices resulted in prolonged suffering and pain, both for me and others.

For the first time, I am choosing to be a Buffalo. I am diving headfirst into therapy, facing all of my trauma head-on. I am relentlessly and unequivocally telling the truth to everyone in my life. I am choosing every day to live honestly, respectfully, courageously, and with integrity for the rest of my life, no matter how difficult, no matter the pain.

Are you the cow or the buffalo?

So glad that you are doing the work at such a young age. I am also trying to process the trauma I had growing up, but am in my early 50s. I recently disclosed an affair from 20 years ago that I intended to take to the grave as the shame and guilt was pushing me towards a nervous breakdown. I have found childhood trauma and avoidant behavior to be a common theme among many Waywards. I still struggle to avoid those tendencies and am very lucky to have a wife who is walking this difficult path with me. She has been amazing with her grace and understanding despite the terrible choices I made that are causing her so much pain.

Wish you the best in your treatment and you have a fan as it took me three more decades to have the courage to face the issues you are facing.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 8:36 PM, Saturday, November 29th]

FVL- I followed your story when you first began posting here, and I have rooted for you and Mrs FVL since. Sending you strength to continue your self improvement work, and praying for Mrs FVL to continue healing through this process. You, sir, are a Buffalo now

This is a really excellent analogy. I spent most of my life as a cow before I learned to be a buffalo.

Interesting analogy. I try to avoid conflict but realized I am more Buffalo lol.

My H, on the other hand, is a cow. Never realized it until his last affair how much of a cow he really is.

Example: I would try and discuss things about our kids in advance of situations do we could both be in the same page. Have a plan ready in case of X or Y or Z. His behavior was always "I don’t know" mentality and end the conversation. Walk away.

Then, as I expected, the situation would arise and we would nit be in the same page and not be prepared. He would rather bury his head in the sand and avoid a simple discussion.

Congrats on facing your trauma. It’s not easy but definitely worth it in the long run.

Heartbroken,

That is a wonderful, insightful analogy, one in which you asked us: are we a cow or a buffalo?

I sat with the question for some time before giving you an answer. I think I might be a different creature than a cow or a buffalo. I don’t know what species but one that didn’t run from or towards the advancing storm. Rather one that chose to stay in the storm, as if it brought me some type of false comfort or protection.

Asterisk

1stWife- I’m sorry to hear about your H. I’m not sure if everyone eventually learns to face difficulties head on, or if some people stay a "cow" forever. I hope, for your sake, he can really learn this lesson

Asterisk- That is a very interesting take, and one I relate with. I wonder (this may be wrong, let me know) if perhaps you grew up in a home of discomfort or danger, which leads you to feel comfort/love in an unsafe environment.

I know for myself, if I felt "safe", that meant something was wrong and something bad would happen. I was more content in misery or isolation because that felt safer- "the enemy you know" right?

Any chance this could resonate? Maybe something to bring up with an IC. If you feel safe, you might fear when that safety will end, so you choose discomfort instead. This could happen if you experience TT with a WS; you thought you were safe but then another bomb dropped, so now you expect that to happen every time you feel that safety. By sitting in discomfort, that feels like a protection of sorts.

I hope so much that you’re able to experience clear skies soon

Former cow here, but happy to report I’m a full on, headstrong buffalo now! 🙂

Heartbroken,

I wonder (this may be wrong, let me know) if perhaps you grew up in a home of discomfort or danger, which leads you to feel comfort/love in an unsafe environment.

It is understandable, from the way I worded my comment, for you to suggest that my home of origin was possibly unsafe. However, that really is not the case. My parents were devoted to each other and to their 5 children. They lost 2 of my brothers and 1sister when they were still very young. I was the youngest, so I think I got some extra love when I was a kid.

Now, in full disclosure, once I got married that all changed. My dad was great but my mom, she resented my wife and treated my 2 children poorly. My sister was no better. After several decades of trying to work things out, once my dad passed, I cut my mom and sister out of my and my family’s life. We never spoke again right up to both of their passings. But as a child, my parents and surviving sister were amazing.

In most things, I would say that I am a believer in grabbing the bull by the horns, digging in my heals and go for the resolve. But on this, with me clinging to the pain of my wife's affair as if it were a life-preserver, it is baffling. Even though I don't understand why I have been doing this, not unlike I don't understand why my wife cheated, I am working on discovering methods of moving forward and living in the current moment.

I appreciate your offering me suggestions.

Asterisk

Asterisk, sometimes when people tell their life story, they will share what to them seems like just "another piece of the puzzle" but will strike an objective observer as pretty big deals. Let me put two of your key pieces together to let you see what I mean:

After several decades of trying to work things out, once my dad passed, I cut my mom and sister out of my and my family’s life. We never spoke again right up to both of their passings.

and

...clinging to the pain of my wife's affair as if it were a life-preserver, it is baffling.

Don't you think the total alienation from your female blood family members only enhance your emotional investment in this marital partner, beyond what you might have otherwise invested in her? Just a thought...

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:59 PM, Saturday, November 29th]

Superesse,

Don't you think the total alienation from your female blood family members only enhance your emotional investment in this marital partner, beyond what you might have otherwise invested in her? Just a thought...

That is an interesting lineup of family events. I have never considered really two things that you have offered for my consideration.

1)Alienation from my female blood family causing me to be too emotionally invested in my wife.

2)Then my wonder; is it a bad thing to be more invested in my wife than I might have been otherwise?

I have never invested any thought to how my choosing to separate myself from my mother and sister might have created a negative dynamic with my wife. It is worth giving some really deep consideration.

I don’t want to be threadjacking so maybe in a different thread you might explain to me what else you have read that suggest that I am possibly too invested in my relationship with my wife. Honestly, I am not asking to be snarky, I am at a loss as to why any spouse would not want to be fully or "too" invested in their life partner. In fact, I would argue that the lack of being too invested in a spouse is one factor that leads to affairs. I have no doubt that I am missing something. Anyway, you have got my mind whirling. I do appreciate your thoughts.

Asterisk

[This message edited by Asterisk at 12:48 AM, Sunday, November 30th]

Quick response to Asterisk, so as not to t/j, I thought you might wonder about the way I put that word "invest." Guess I was not suggesting it is good to "hold back something" so much as to illustrate how the marriage part of our adult life affects our over-all life story that we look back upon.

Example: when my first M disintegrated when I was 31, I recall looking backwards at who I was trying to become before that marriage, what aspects of myself I had closed off by choosing to marry that particular man, and what I had deeply needed from my FOO (family of origin) that wasn't available. I suspect many people do that.

But to be a bit more prosaic, it's the mental accounting we subconsciouly make when we feel we have to choose "sides." (And we shouldn't HAVE to categorically choose between loyalty to our opposite sex parent versus loyalty to our spouse; any reasonably healthy parent understands this!)

So that kind of unresolved pain tends to get "forwarded," as the OP is exploring.

[This message edited by Superesse at 1:14 AM, Sunday, November 30th]

heartbroken12345...I have never heard of that before...thanks for sharing . I am most definitely a buffalo! Even to the point when someone asks if I want to hear the good news or the bad news first...I always say I want the bad news...because I want to get it over and done with. Then I can focus on the good news !

I am very fortunate that I had a pretty good life growing up. Good parents and pretty stable environment.

However I had a business partner that was raised in chaos. Hard to know what was the truth and what was made up (in their mind) but I can tell you that watching a grown adult self destruct for the 10 years (that I knew then) brings a few things to might.

I noticed patterns & trends and realized that left untreated, they would repeat. If things were going well there would have to be some drama. The partner always ranted about "stupid" people and hated people and had daily conflict with people.

Why? Comfort. Familiarity. Always starting a fight.

I applaud you heartbroken for seeking to do better. May this undertaking bring you closer to some peace.