SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a few of you know, I’ve been holding back talking with my wife about my feelings and thoughts concerning her affair. As suggested, by some very insightful people here, waiting 30 plus years to talk was probably not the best plan. 😊

A back story:

In all honesty, when my wife disclosed, she was very forthcoming. She answered all my questions, as well and truthfully as possible. There were some details that I believe she hedged her bets and a few that just didn’t make sense, the math didn’t add up. However, she did supply me with enough information to get across the seriousness of the situation we were now facing.

For close to a year after D-day, my interrogation was relentless. Little new truths or corrections would gurgle their way to the surface which instead of soothing my brain would simply serve to activate more suspicious and questions. We ended up separating about a ½ year in, (My decision) because I couldn’t stop digging. The pain I was causing my wife was unbearable for her and for me. The separation was an agonizing 5 months.

Then a new tragedy struck our little family that had to take priority shifting our attention. It took us a bit over 5 years to come out from that darkness. By that time, we were demoralized and exhausted. The affair had been simmering on the back burner long enough that I think we had just gotten used to its temperature. I tried to turn up the heat and address it several times over the next few years and was met with a deafening silence. In her mind, she was over it and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t. I’ll never unhear her telling me I was keeping her in jail. She’d quip that things are so good between us, why are you bringing things to a boil again? Eventually, I turned the flame back down to a discomforting for me but comforting for her, quiet smoldering.

Sex for decades was a real struggle for both of us. For me the images during intimacies, for her the guilt. But putting that aside, we built a strong and caring relationship. We had become closer than ever, united over slaying two dragons. Then, without cause and without the sound of crushing metal to alert my wife, I internally crashed. I felt I had no right and was failing as a husband to be reintroducing into our successful marriage old crap that I should have been over years ago! So, to shelter my wife, while hoping to discover my way through this, I came here.

I have spent the last 6 months at this site much of the time spent pushing back against advice being offered, stating very logical reasons why I "can’t" talk with my wife about what I am dealing with. (Well, my idea of logic, that is.) That advice was, maybe, just maybe, I might want to reconsider and do something different, like risk sharing with her where my mind is currently stuck. I have assured my fellow betrayeds and a wayward each and every time, why it was not a great idea. (As if what I’ve been doing was a grand plan.)

It began to dawn on me that I was blaming my wife for not being allowed to talk with her. My blaming wasn’t without merit, but it still was cowardliness on my part. Anyway, after a lot of back and forth on several different threads I decided that I would relent on my stance and follow some wise advice, which was: to see my wife as she is today, not as she was then and risk sharing my struggles with my her, giving her a chance to prove she had become a safe partner.

One of the nice things about being over 3 decades post affair is that the intensity of the event isn’t so overwhelming and all-consuming. Anger was no longer hiding up my sleeve, waiting to be slipped out like a card shark’s Ace of Spades, a cheat move to win the round. And all the tears had been shed and most of the fears of new truths quieted.

This post is much too long so I won’t go into the details of the discussion between us for they are immaterial. What is important is that I took the advice to view my wife as I know her to be now, employ new techniques to redirect my mind when it begins to ruminate, and share openly with her my inner suffering so she might have the chance to comfort my still un-mended heart. It was a healing moment that allowed our reconciliation to turn up the heat, not of boiling water, rather passion.

It was suggested by one member here that knows I write poetry when hurting, that I should consider scripting a new poem that matches who we are now verses then. I’m working on it, my 1st, long overdue, love poem. Wish me luck! 😊

Thanks everyone.

Asterisk

When I switched from manipulating to communicating with my wife, it was a powerful thing.

There had been plenty of times in the past where I am sure I brought it up to punish her. Maybe I felt she was being too happy and needed to be brought down a step, or I just wanted to take it out on her. She caused this, and along with me she must suffer. That was a penance.

It was a minor epiphany for me when I read from this one book about how majority of human communication is really human manipulation. How so much of what we say is meant to get people to do things. In a way, well, of course we do. Plenty of times where it makes sense, but once I started watching myself and others, I realized plenty of times where it doesn’t really make sense either. Much more subliminal. Deceptive.

That is what I have been doing when I brought up the affair in the past, I was manipulating. Even when I thought I was just sharing with her my feeling state, the timing of it and the tone and all that…I was trying to push her into her own feeling state. Specifically into feeling shitty.

When I made a concerted shift to just communicating, into talking to her as if she was my current friend and spouse as opposed to the original cause, everything changed. She was obviously guarded at first, because there was a track record. But the shift mattered, and what had been a penance became a gift. The gift being I’m now allowing her to help me.

Nice post, Asterisk.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 12:47 PM, Sunday, November 23rd]

Good move. It was the best way to get out of your own way. Still, the result we all hoped for was not guaranteed, I'm very glad talking was positive for you and your W.

If you ever get any thoughts about this taking so long for you to see the value, it may help to tell yourself: I'm glad it didn't take a second longer! (That's what works for me. )

to see my wife as she is today, not as she was then

BOOM!

This is exactly the advice I have needed.

Quick recap: Met in HS 16/18 yrs old. M 5 yrs later. A 1 yr after M. DD 42 yrs later. A might as well have been yesterday.

Finding out you have been deceived your entire marriage is a whole other hurt. He was able to eventually figure out his shit, on his own, with no accountability to me nor outside help. Now I am having to travel down this road he built for the past 44 yrs and figure out what's what. Through yours and many other discussions it has dawned on me that I have been analyzing and ruminating and crying over things that took place decades ago from the perspective of a 16 yr old. Trying to make sense of years of our lives. It was not serving me well.

My next-door neighbor is 97. He tells me that while he may be 97 his mind still thinks he's 17. That is where I was at. I am not 20. He is not 24. I now understand that having a good work ethic and being fiscally responsible are not equivalent to emotional maturity. I married a boy. A selfish and immature boy. He is not a boy anymore. I need to see him as the 67 yr old man he is. This allows me to begin to enjoy what we have now vs continually resenting what could have been. I feel as if a weight is being lifted off of me.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. It has been a bit of an AHA moment for me. Allowing me to settle down and find some peace.

I am not a poet. :) You are able to give my thoughts life through your words. Thank you.

Can't wait to read your love poem!

You know I'm going to ask at least a couple of poinient questions, right?

How did it feel to be vulnerable with her?

Did you provide specific examples of things you've shared with us?

And now the $64,000 question: was she vulnerable with you?

I ask these questions, dear sir, because it's taken me years to really understand that being vulnerable requires courage and strength. It's not weakness, despite how twisted our contemporary version of masculinity may be.

I didn't understand any of this when first arrived here. I was in so much pain, so unhinged, it never even occurred to me how astonishingly vulnerable I was allowing myself to be. It was sheer desperation that motivated me.

HouseOfPlane,

When I switched from manipulating to communicating with my wife, it was a powerful thing.
There had been plenty of times in the past where I am sure I brought it up to punish her. Maybe I felt she was being too happy and needed to be brought down a step, or I just wanted to take it out on her. She caused this, and along with me she must suffer. That was a penance.

As much as I wanted to be the good guy, the understanding, loving husband, I am aware that my motives for revisiting too many times was about your description of "penance". Interestingly, I think, at this particular moment, it was more that I was internalizing it and not discussing it with my wife that it wasn’t as much about manipulating her, as much as manipulating me by reminding me that she wasn’t as perfect, or highly moral as I thought she was. In doing so, it kept me prepared for what might come next. Living a prepared life is not living a vulnerable life. Not living a vulnerable life is not living a loving life.

You have spent many finger motions punching keys in an attempt to help me see that I was approaching my wife as if she was still the person she was at the time of her affair. I could see the truth of it, but it took some time for me to incorporate it and then act upon it.

But the shift mattered, and what had been a penance became a gift. The gift being I’m now allowing her to help me.

I can see the wisdom of these 3 gifts you and others have been given me to unwrap if I so chose. Allowing myself to be "vulnerable" by approaching my wife "as the person she is now" gave her the ability to help give me the gift of "moving out of the past and back into the current moment".

Asterisk

Sisson,

If you ever get any thoughts about this taking so long for you to see the value, it may help to tell yourself: I'm glad it didn't take a second longer! (That's what works for me. )

Oh man, do I need to cling to that saying! I just wish….But wishing doesn’t help one bit, does it? I wish I’d…, I should of…, I could of…, If only I’d…., none of that is helpful just trapdoors into an underworld of pain and self-harm.

Asterisk

Trumansworld,

to see my wife as she is today, not as she was then
BOOM!
This is exactly the advice I have needed.

Through yours and many other discussions it has dawned on me that I have been analyzing and ruminating and crying over things that took place decades ago from the perspective of a 16 yr old. Trying to make sense of years of our lives. It was not serving me well.

You nailed it! In the process of our own reawaking, we often pass that gift of awareness to others. That is what is so important about this place.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

You know I'm going to ask at least a couple of poinient questions, right?

I was so hoping to skirt the particulars, but I was pretty confident that someone, which really is my soft way of saying, YOU would not let me get away with it so easily. (Does that remind you of a past thread? 😊)

How did it feel to be vulnerable with her?

My fussing with myself to drum up the courage to sit my wife down and share where my mind has been ruminating and self-punching for the past 6 months left me feeling like a coward and honestly, a shitty husband. Vulnerability doesn’t always feel warm and fuzzy.

Did you provide specific examples of things you've shared with us?

Yes. Though this example will not mean anything to those who were not part of earlier threads, I shared why I, decades later, found myself plunged back into a painful, unresolved issue. The discussion I had had with a friend when he was explaining what he meant by manscaping which took me back to the real reason not the lied reason for my wife’s full pubic hair shaving. And that reminder really sunk me into the depths of despair!

And now the $64,000 question: was she vulnerable with you?

Yes, very much so. I will give myself a pat on the back in the way I approached her. I lead into the discussion by confirming that neither of us are who we were then. That our marriage we had worked so hard at repairing was solid, loving and caring but trust, on my part, was lagging behind. Not a lack of trust in her possibly having another secret affair, but my fear of her retreating back into herself. I assured her that I had seen her growth in that area but I still carried deep fear that on this issue she might revert and retreat. I continued on by saying I was unfairly acting upon an old fear.

So, yes, she was completely vulnerable which, with me allowing myself to be vulnerable (which at 1st sucked!) led to a very healthy, productive discussion leaving us both desires.(Which took the suckyness right out of it.)

Asterisk

Trumansworld,

Can't wait to read your love poem!

Etched Into The Moon

If clouds were my pen and sky my canvas
I would swirl words,
My humble gift to you
Extolling thundering passions of tender affections
That no gale or lightening crack could erase

Oh, how if I could I would etch into the moon
The fullness of my love, capturing its romance
Using its glow to fill your heart
As it does the night skies
With a radiance forged from devotion

Give me the stars for my arrangement
And theologians will scribe for a thousand years
The chronicle of a mortal man who loved his goddess
Desire so pure his intensity so unwavering
The heavens allowed their space to become his opus

Whatcha think, should I give it too her? or is it too corny.
Asterisk