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Recently I've noticed my BH is asking me if I "have plans" whenever I ask him questions about his schedule. For example, I asked him what days next month he'll be out of the country to visit his daughter at university, because my mother and grandma were wanting to come keep me company while he's away, and he asked me then. (This can be verified through my texts with them, and also if he were to call them directly and ask about it. I plan on sending him lots of photos of us all together in the hopes that will reassure him that I'm not up to anything nefarious in his absence.)

Another time, we were leaving from someplace in separate cars to head home, and I turned a different direction than he did, and he saw a car that looked like mine turn into a restaurant I had mentioned wanting to go to, and he called me to ask if I "had a date." I told him I was on my way home and that I was anxious to get there to care for my animals. (Could be verified through GPS location, which he has of both my car and electronic devices at all times.)

We have a function to go to this weekend for my work, and I asked him which nights he was spending with me, because I worry about my aging MIL's ability to care for our youngest and the animals for too long while we're away. I think he was suspicious that I was trying to plan something else then, too. (He has all my passwords and everything and he can check my devices at any time without any pushback or judgement from me, though I realize one could go to extra lengths to conceal secret communications, so maybe that's not actually reassuring... side note, not to pat myself on the back tooo much, but I am pleased that there's a voice I my head going "Omg that would be SO exhausting to do. I don't even want to think about it," rather than it's usual "Ooh, we're not going to actually do this or anything... but how would we do it if we were?" Clinging to every small bit of progress that I can, apparently.)

I understand completely why he's being like this and I'm not frustrated by it or anything like that, by any means, but I am trying to brainstorm about ways to alleviate some of the anxiety. I did ask him myself and he said he'll think about it, and I said I would too. I hope it's not lazy to try to crowdsource ideas from here, as well; I just don't want to overlook anything that might help.

I'm trying not to sit in the car by myself anymore for long (even though it's literally the only place for me that's completely peaceful!) because I was sneaking out to the car to talk to the AP when the affair was going on, so it's triggering for BH now. He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed. He told me that I have a habit of locking my phone and putting it face-down when he walks up to me, which is understandably suspicious, so I've been trying to be mindful of it and either leave my phone unlocked and face up, or let him know that I'm locking it because I want to focus on him in that moment...I didn't come to bed last night until 3am because I was up trying to catch up on housework, which I don't feel like I can avoid at the moment if I want to ever catch up and reign this house back in from it's current chaos spiral. But hopefully I can stay on track and quit doing that too. I'm going to try to preface schedule questions with why I'm asking, I think.

I'm sure it will probably just take time, but I'd love to hear any recommendations if you have them for me. Maybe the BS have things that made them feel more assured that they'd be willing to share? Thanks in advance.

Additional edit to add: I also want to start taking better care of my body and appearance, both because I feel like a schlubb and because I think my husband deserves a good-looking wife, but I worry he'll think I'm doing it for someone else... and now that I've typed this, I also worry that he'll think I'm playing 4D chess and trying to cover my ass since I know he reads my posts... What a mess I've made!

[This message edited by Ghostie at 6:09 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

Smile at him. A lot.

It sounds like you are being transparent, which is all you can ha do. It’s going to take time to earn trust back, his reactions are normal. Just remember that they are normal and be patient and keep being transparent. That’s all you can do.

The only other thing I can think of is to send a no contact message together to the ap if you have not already done so. And that would only be if he wants that step taken.

He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed.

I do not understand why you are sleeping with your daughter if he wants you in the bedroom?

Also yes I get the housework issue but he is the priority over that. Do it while he is traveling or at work?

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:32 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

The questions about you having plans or have a date is pretty much par for the course. For you, you need to realize he is seeing things from a different lens than you are. While may be doing everything right, be careful that you don’t take for granted that he sees that. His lens in the relationship is that you made vows, and although I don’t know your story, you probably were able to keep your affair secret. He knows this and although you may tell him you are just sitting in the car for peace, or on the sofa to rest, or are going to meet friends, he will trust none of that. Not forever, but for a longer time than you think.

Many WS, after the initial storm subsides, tend to think things are going really well, but in the BS head they are still thinking in the what are the really doing in the car, or are they really meeting friends. You might have kept things hidden, and he will be on edge trying to figure out if you still are. Even if you are 100% above board.

As to looking good, its great. My WW went straight downhill after her affair. This was for various reasons. Me berating her didn’t help. Nor did menopause or way too much wine which packed on another 15 pounds on her. The last reason, which an old timer pointed out to me was probably a layer of protection that if she wasn’t as attractive that guys wouldn’t hit on her, and I wouldn’t question why she was so dressed up and what was she up to. She looked beautiful for her AP and spent lots of time on grooming. If she became more dowdy due to weight gain it solved the problem of me questioning and guys hitting on her. The thing was she became unattractive to me as well.

By all means look good for him, but again look through his lens. Dress great for him, but if you are going out with girlfriends or even to the store (which he may think could be a hotel room) don’t go all out with tight clothes, perfume, or makeup.

What level of trust do you think he has in you at this point?

The most you can do is be transparent about your schedule and whereabouts, non-defensive about questions, and show a consistent pattern of truthfulness over time. You're already doing the first 2 things but the third one could take years before your husband can rest easily-- if he's able to at all.

In some respects, I think the oversharing-- tracking devices, sending pictures and screenshots every time you go somewhere, etc-- can actually have the opposite effect because instead of feeling reassured, the BS starts thinking of a million ways that you might be sneaking around in other ways, which seems to be the case for your husband.

You really can't manage your husband's emotions and cope with his anxiety for him; that's the part of the recovery work that he needs to do for himself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:44 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

Smile at him. A lot.

Noted

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I do not understand why you are sleeping with your daughter if he wants you in the bedroom?

Also yes I get the housework issue but he is the priority over that. Do it while he is traveling or at work?

Because she is little and she won't be little forever and so I want to soak up the snuggles... One night I had a nightmare about a prowler outside her bedroom widow (which is at ground level) and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I went and laid down in her bed and passed right out. (Cue BH searching the house for me in a panic and missing me under the comforter and a large stuffed bear.) Also sometimes she demands that I sit with her in her bed until she falls asleep, but she'll take so long that I fall asleep too. And there is not enough room for three people and a couple of dogs in our own bed. :(

I'm doing the housework at every opportunity right now just trying to catch up. I would much rather be going to bed at an appropriate time with him, but I just don't think it's going to get done otherwise.

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She looked beautiful for her AP and spent lots of time on grooming. If she became more dowdy due to weight gain it solved the problem of me questioning and guys hitting on her. The thing was she became unattractive to me as well.

By all means look good for him, but again look through his lens. Dress great for him, but if you are going out with girlfriends or even to the store (which he may think could be a hotel room) don’t go all out with tight clothes, perfume, or makeup.

What level of trust do you think he has in you at this point?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Normally during the day I am dressed in sweaty athletic clothing, warm and comfy oversized clothing, or clothing covered in dirt and/or bird poop, so I'm just trying to time my shower well and put on nice clothes before he gets home! Only other time I really dress up is for church or date nights with him, so I think I'm good on that front, lol.

I have no idea how much trust he has in me at this point; that's a good question.

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In some respects, I think the oversharing-- tracking devices, sending pictures and screenshots every time you go somewhere, etc-- can actually have the opposite effect because instead of feeling reassured, the BS starts thinking of a million ways that you might be sneaking around in other ways, which seems to be the case for your husband.

You really can't manage your husband's emotions and cope with his anxiety for him; that's the part of the recovery work that he needs to do for himself.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't! It sucks... It's hard to feel like I have so little control over the process.

Ghostie,

The little things that help me the most are when my H acknowledges moments of uncomfortableness instead of ignoring them hoping I won't say anything.

For example, when we are watching a movie or listening to a song and cheating comes up. He will ask me if I am ok and will offer to switch the channel or turn the radio off.

Or he'll see me physically tighten up or go quiet and instead of ignoring it he will grip my hand and/or ask me how I'm feeling. It's just those little things that let me know that he hasn't forgotten and that he's aware of my pain. He's paying attention and that makes me feel seen.

Your husband is most likely still suffering from hypervigalence. He's watching and questioning everything you do. I had it BAD. It was horrible. The anxiety that comes with it was overwhelming at times. What made it worse was that my exww used to travel frequently for work (she cheated during a work trip).

One of the things she did to help was installing apps on our phones that allowed me to track her movements (or at least her phone). She'd take lots of photos of her, where she was, who she was with, etc. That helped. When she traveled we'd leave Skype open all night sometimes.

As waited noted above, this will likely go on longer than you might think. I hated feeling like that and hated it even more for how long it lasted.

I think what helped me more than anything was my ex telling me how she felt about what she'd done to herself. Sharing her thoughts about her regret, her anger with herself and the deep shame she felt, that she never wanted to put herself in such a position ever again.

I don't know if he's ready to hear all of that from you. However, for me, her sharing of her own struggles eventually eased some of that anxiety.

At first I rebelled, accusing her of throwing a "pity party." I didn't give a fuck. I was angry, spiteful, and honestly believed she "should" feel like shit. But she didn't give up. She took the hits and came back for more, tears and all.

I'm not suggesting that you put up with abusive behaviors at all. Just be patient and bare in mind how difficult it is to recover from the trauma that infidelity causes, that he's scared, confused, and not all together himself.

He'll get there, eventually, I hope, for his sake and yours.

Ten years ago, I couldn't have read this thread without feeling extremely angry. Today, after all I went through, I can honestly say that I have a tremendous amount of empathy for wayward spouses who are trying. It might even surprise you to know that I consider a couple of WW to be good friends.

Hang in there, Ghostie.

My wife won me over with her relentless, tireless effort to show me that her changes were real, and her intentions were backed with consistent actions.

That takes time.

After the trauma of it all, it sure takes time to buy in.

The early stages of shock, that turn to sadness, then anger, then numbness -- only to rinse and repeat those steps more often than I thought possible was most of my first year. Year two was trying to believe in us again and the start of year three I let my walls down and started working on my own "all in."

My wife lost patience with me....twice in those early years. Mainly because she leaned into the "no matter what I do it will never be enough" phrase (which I understand).

Then, she kept trying anyway. She kept working to show me she wouldn't give up on us.

Infidelity is kind of giving up on an M, so it takes quite a bit to believe the shoe isn't going to drop again.

The cool part is, now we both work at the M with the same energy and strength my wife did in the early days of R.

R became the the relationship.

I love how hard we both worked to get here.

I'll never be happy the A happened, but I am proud of the work we did to overcome it.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 1:06 AM, Friday, November 14th]

Ghostie,

You have received amazing advice in the above replies. I’d like to add that in my mind, a wayward is better served if they embrace their betrayed spouse’s anger as if it is a best and useful friend. It is in those moments of rage that you can begin to see and understand the depth of pain caused to them, by decisions they did not make.

During this time the betrayed will most likely think in black and white ways and imagine things that are not accurate. For waywards, it is tempting to try to correct their spouse or defend themselves during this normal transition time. I believe most of us would say that to do so is a grave error. In a later time, the need for accuracy on the part of a betrayed becomes important to the process of reconciling but that can be a year or more down this extremely unjust, agonizing, swerving road you paved. Right now, any defense or correction you make, most likely will be perceived as another gaslighting and dismissal of your betrayed spouse’s perceptions, jetting the reconciling process off a cliff.

I commend you for reaching out to betrayeds for their thoughts, it does appear you are trying to earnestly become what you weren’t, a trustworthy, safe partner. Time is not your adversary it is your comrade.

Asterisk

I'm doing the housework at every opportunity right now just trying to catch up. I would much rather be going to bed at an appropriate time with him, but I just don't think it's going to get done otherwise.

Figure out a different plan. I get sometimes our kids want us to stay until they fall asleep and sometimes it’s unavoidable.

He is saying he feels anxiety when you are up and he is not, I think prioritize going to bed with him as often as possible. Definitely do not prioritize the cleaning over that. He is telling you how he would feel more regulated you need to not be dismissive of that.

I am not saying that you never stay up or you never stay with your daughter if she needs you. But I would show your husband his wants and needs matter and that you are going to try to help protect him too. That’s my two cents on that.