SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well this was never on my bingo card. Husband and I have been married for 25 years this past May. Overall, enjoy each other's company (no one else I'd rather spend time with), two teen boys, stable careers etc.

So two nights ago, I come home from a work trip to my husband acting sort of weird (although I chalked it up to it being his mom's birthday - deceased for 9 years). Oh no. He proceeds to confess (via a written document he reads from his iPad) that he has not been faithful over the past 9 years through visiting massage parlors / escorts 4-5 times a year, having intercourse 4 times over the past 9 years, including last week (without protection). And basically this past week was his "rock bottom" with the no protection encounter and decided he needed to tell me (in tears, apologizing, etc.). He said he had suicidal thoughts and called a help line -note he was in counseling a few years ago but stopped going, has said he feels like he has anxiety, etc but never does the things to help himself (definitely find that frustrating, but he has to do it for himself).

So I processed a bit, had a total f-bomb rant at him, told him that he needs to get on the STD testing. He started going to a counselor yesterday, and is now trying to overcompensate by doing all nice things around the house that I get annoyed with that he never does.

And a few days later I guess I just feel numb. And pissed - I have demanding exec level job and had a board meeting this week and he springs that on me - he said he felt so much better telling me, which pisses me off even more because I can't focus, I'm hurt, feel betrayed, but also I feel nothing at the same time? Like I am not processing all the work that will need to be done to try and get to a new normal state of marriage (which he says he still wants but needs help to understand why he was doing those things). I stated that we needed to do counseling together. And I also don't know what to do now.

Thanks for reading. Just felt good to type it out.

You two do NOT need counseling. He does. That behavior sounds like an addiction. You did not cause it. This is his mess to clean up. What was his relationship with his mother? She died nine years ago and he got crazy nine years ago. For nine years he’s been doing this? There is a lot to uncover there and I’m guessing it extends from childhood. You can’t fix it. If he’s been doing this for nine years, then this is who he is and what he does. Yu need to look after your own health, which means making sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, and if necessary, get yourself on some temporary medicine for anxiety and depression. Do not try to step in and help him because you can’t do it. You’re not a therapist you’re his wife. He needs to get on the phone ASAP, and set himself up with therapy with a possibility of sex addiction as the basis.

You two do NOT need counseling. He does. That behavior sounds like an addiction. You did not cause it. This is his mess to clean up. What was his relationship with his mother? She died nine years ago and he got crazy nine years ago. For nine years he’s been doing this? There is a lot to uncover there and I’m guessing it extends from childhood. You can’t fix it. If he’s been doing this for nine years, then this is who he is and what he does. Yu need to look after your own health, which means making sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, and if necessary, get yourself on some temporary medicine for anxiety and depression. Do not try to step in and help him because you can’t do it. You’re not a therapist you’re his wife. He needs to get on the phone ASAP, and set himself up with therapy with a possibility of sex addiction as the basis.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're hurting. If you haven't read the posts already, there are some really good ones posted to the top of the forum. There are some other great posts that aren't pinned, and you can find them by scrolling & looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. Bonus points if they also list infidelity as one of their treatment specialties.

I can't focus, I'm hurt, feel betrayed, but also I feel nothing at the same time

This is the effects of betrayal trauma on your brain. My concentration was shot and I had a hard time focusing for longer than 15 minutes. Your emotions can be all over the place and change without notice. We will make reference to the emotional roller coaster and it can pick you up at any time.

If you need to ask your doctor for meds, please do so. You may not need them forever, but they can help in the short-term. Plus, you should get tested for STDs, too. There are some nasty things out there that can turn into cancer.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short book and is a nice blueprint to help him get started. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (Feel free to read them, too.)

He needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. It's his job to figure out why he has been doing this. It wasn't a mistake and he didn't goof up. He has made deliberate, conscious decisions to cheat and then lie.

Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH did. Generally, we recommend IC for each. When you get where you feel that you're healed enough, then you might want to try MC (marriage counseling). Many MCs aren't equipped to deal with infidelity. They're there to help with the relationship.

Sorry that you're joining us.

It is noteworthy that this started when his mother died - 9 years ago. He needs to explore this in counseling because again....this is not your issue, it's his. Yes, he dumped it on you, but this is nothing you've done, deserved, were involved with....this is his on him. Why do you think he confessed this? Have you checked out his phone or computer or financial records? Don't worry about snooping, there is privacy in marriage but NO SECRECY. This obviously directly affects you and if it were me, I'd try to confirm what he's saying. Speaking of which, I think you should get an STI test too as sometimes what they tell us isn't all there is. In some way, he sounds to me like he hasn't grown out of little boyhood.

How awful. I guess at least he confessed (after 9 years). I lack any sage wisdom since I'm new here myself (47M BS) other than this: I went straight into IC before speaking to my WS or even a lawyer. Get help for you. The feelings are impossibly overwhelming. I am at DDay+35 and cry uncontrollably most days, hiding in the disabled toilet at work if necessary. I don't want meds because i think I need to process the pain but you do need somebody to talk to any you may not want to share this with people you know (I am too embarassed even though the shame is really my WS).

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. As an update, I started IC this week. WS is also in IC. And we will start marriage counseling but this is going to be a process. I have stopped feeling like I contributed to this so yay for that. Small wins.

My counselor suggested I start journaling which I've never done and that has been a bit helpful for processing all the conflicting feelings.

WS is sharing what he's learning in counseling, although I'm still not really ready to do so. I've told him my recovery is going to be on my schedule - you cannot control it.

Ma'am, first of all, Im sorry you are facing this disaster of his making at this time in your life. I cringed reading it and cant imagine your pain and anger when he dumped his secret debauched life on you. Gently, if his account follows the historical precedent of many like situations, probability is high that what he confessed is the tip of the iceberg.

I am going to take a different tack in my recommendation. Doing what you do in your line of work, you are probably adept at problem solving after assessing data, establishing a plan of action and enacting that plan. A doer. A driver. Top performer. So, you now encounter a huge crisis in your personal life and may be tempted to do what you do after unloading on your own personal traitor, you put together a plan, line up resources (IC & MC) and execute. BTW, I agree with those who say to not enter MC for quite a while. You dont know yet where your BH will land as far as being reconciliation material. Right now, he is very very far from this imo.

My advice is to wait on any marriage repair efforts. HE needs massive amount of work and the suicidal thoughts are a sure sign of his instability. He may need in-patient care, at least to start. That said, this is his cesspool to deal with. He needs to fix himself. I advise that you encourage him to get the help he needs but you cannot be part of that help. You will need a level of self care that you may not have had need of in the past. Focus on yourself in the near term.

You said:

he said he felt so much better telling me, which pisses me off even more because I can't focus, I'm hurt, feel betrayed, but also I feel nothing at the same time? Like I am not processing all the work that will need to be done to try and get to a new normal state of marriage (which he says he still wants but needs help to understand why he was doing those things). I stated that we needed to do counseling together. And I also don't know what to do now.

Your feeling and lack thereof are completely understandsble. You are still in shock. Give yourself time to process. You may then determine that its just not worth it. That you wish him well and want him to get healthy but are not going to be a part of that journey. I guess what Im saying is dont jump on the assumed reconciliation path right now. Stay neutral for now and keep your options open. This may include separation to reduce triggers, clear your head, stabilize emotions and make more reasoned decisions. You may at that time opt for divorce and thats ok. Its not failure. It may be the path of health and freedom you need. Truth is that the pair bond has been severely damaged, possibly to the point of severing it alltogether.

Again, give yourself time and space.

Full disclosure, I rushed to try and fix it, saw divorce as a personal failure, and just stretched out the pain and agony for additional years before it all ended. It was only then that I was able to move on and build an amazing life with a worthy woman. I deeply regret not doing what I am advising you to do.

Strength, healing and clarity to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:45 PM, Friday, October 10th]

IDK ... if he confessed out of guilt, I wouldn't see confessing as praiseworthy. Confessing out of guilt strikes me as yet another short term fix, just like going to a massage parlor or hiring a prostitute. It might start him on a healing path, but it may be the start of something he won't finish on his own. My reco is to be sure to explore that early in MC.

IMO, MC soon after d-day can be very helpful if the MC addresses the infidelity first. Lots of MC training is based on system theory. The cheating is treated as a symptom of a(n) M(arriage) problem, so the MC treats the M. An A(ffair) is an M problem, of course, because it causes an M problem, but the source of the problem is the W(ayward) S(pouse).

If the MC starts by asking how you're feeling and what you're thinking and whatever led your H to cheat, and follows up by knocking down every reason your WS gives that smacks of blame-shifting, minimizing, or gaslighting, you may have found a competent MC who will help you and your WS heal.

It's probably too early to decide on D or R. My reco is first to figure out what you want.

Have you considered telling your boss what's happening. A good boss will cut a new BS some slack, because that's usually a better option than paying severance (and sometimes unemployment), and finding a new staffer.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:16 PM, Friday, October 10th]