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This was my second appointment with my IC from BetterHelp, and I’m wondering if she’s going to be any help to me at all. Today I explained the A I had and the situation BH and I are in presently, a couple months post D-Day. I got done describing what happened and she said "Oh, I see… So you never actually had sex with your AP?" And I was like, "Well no, but I intended to, and I definitely had an EA, and it’s been incredibly hard on my H…" (Edited for clarity: something about the way she said it made me think she was looking to minimize the infidelity as not a "real" affair because it was discovered before the intended extramarital sex was had.)

And she also asked multiple times whether my H has "forgiven" me. I explained to her that this has been devastating for him, and I expect it will likely take years before he feels anything close to forgiveness, even if he wanted to forgive me today, but we’re trying to work towards it. It felt wrong to have to do that; I felt like the counselor instead of the one being counseled. But I guess not every IC is trained in or experienced with infidelity recovery.

I’m wondering if I wait another week and give her another chance to help me with my issues, or if I should request to change ICs.

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 12:29 AM, Tuesday, September 16th]

Change counselors. She sounds immature.

It’s hard to know based on conversation if she was just asking for information or if she doesn’t get it.

I think the question about forgiveness is the one that raises red flags for me.

First you don’t "just forgive" someone a week or month or so after being betrayed. Forgiving can take years. But you don’t HAVE to forgive to reconcile. I was happily reconciled with my H long before I forgave him.

I think you should follow your gut instinct and look for someone who might be a better fit.

I would fire the counselor. Flirting, sexting, kissing, groping, sex are all forms of infidelity that destroy trust.

When I confronted my wife and asked what's going on with you and (her AP) her immediate response was WE FLIRT, THAT’S ALL, I HAVE NOT CROSSED ANY LINES Yes, she had the balls to become angry at me.

I wonder if the therapist is either trying to minimize what you did OR she wants to know everything you did. For some, repairing the trust because one person was flirting may be possible but not if there was physical contact. Had my wife engaged in anything physical such as kissing I would have been divorced for over a year by now.

I think it was our second session and our MC asked my wife "Did you catch feels for him?" and my wife said yes. The MC was a woman in her late 40s or early 50s and trying to talk hip. I took the question to mean did you develop romantic feelings for him and I walked around for three days agonizing over my wife'sanswer. When I brought it up to my wife days later she said she took the question to mean was she attracted to him, but she did not have romantic feelings for him.

At our next MC session I explained the misunderstanding and said "Can we use words that adults can clearly understand? I walked around for three days suffering thinking my wife has romantic feelings for her AP."

I fired the MC before our next session. Ask your IC why she asked "but you didn't have sex with him" and if she says or you get the impression she believes that the affair is not that big of a deal because there wasn't any sex I would reply with "You are fired. You obviously do not understand that relationships can be destroyed by acts other than sex"