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Long story short, FWS has always been much more extroverted than me & has FOMO. I'm very introverted, and very happy staying in and being alone (which rarely happens because we have kids lol).

We live where I grew up, and I still have friends from elementary, middle & high school that I see regularly (for a busy adult, so maybe I see each person 1-2 times a year). FWS grew up on the other side of the country, but the majority of his family lives in the suburbs 1-2 hours away from us, so we see them regularly, especially for holidays. FWS doesn't really have any friends here. We met through mutual friends, many who moved away over time. I'm still regularly in touch with these people, texting with the women on a daily basis. I've also always been involved in the kids schools, so I'm more familiar/friendly with parents there, and have organized a "parents night out" at a local bar on a couple of occasions over the years.

Ironically, even though I'm the introvert, I get invited to go out/see friends much more often than FWS. I don't always make these plans because I'm busy and tired, but also because FWS will inevitably make some comment along the lines of: "Why wasn't I invited?" "Why can't I come?" "I want to go out and do stuff." "No one ever makes plans with me." Which is... annoying. And makes me feel bad. And when I've expressed how it comes across as "sour grapes," he says that he's just being honest about how he feels.

I *do* invite him along to things, when appropriate, but sometimes it would be weird to -- like going out to dinner with girlfriends from high school, and no other spouses/partners coming along. (It would gives me Alex & Simon from RHONY vibes.)

And sometimes he comes and it's just... slightly awkward. Like I planned a playdate with some other moms & he came with me to the playground, and there was some half hearted conversation that eventually turned into talking about school stuff that he wasn't familiar with, so he ended up just wandered off to keep a closer on the kids.

Part of the problem is that he's not good about making plans (in general). He vents about seeing other people do stuff, and I've suggested things like, talk to X, Y & Z from work and see if they want to go out bowling -- sometimes if you want to hang out with people, you need to be the one to send a text and make it happen. Or, suggesting he text his cousins and plan a "cousins night out" dinner -- he'll say things like, "I see X & Y hanging out on instagram, they didn't invite me."

On the one hand, it feels like he expects me to make plans for him or that include him, and I don't feel like it should be my responsibility to attempt to make plans happen, so I don't. On the other hand, I recognize how hard it is to make friends the older you get! The majority of people I consider to be friends are people that I've known since I was a kid, and since he moved here, he doesn't have that advantage.

Despite the fact that I feel like he could and should be making more of an effort on his own, I feel bad for him, because I also know that making and keeping friends the older you get can be so difficult.

Any advice/tips/tricks for this situation? I don't think it's really my problem to solve, per se, but I also feel like I'm not being the most supportive partner because I know he struggles with this.

Edited to add: He has tried a couple of times to get involved in team sports, but for several reasons it hasn't been the right fit. One, he has some old injuries/chronic pain issues and it caused some flare ups. Two, they tended to revolve heavily around drinking during and after the games, which wasn't good, either. And, no closer friendships panned out once the seasons have ended.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 5:43 AM, Thursday, May 29th]

I'm interested in your responses because my H is similar although both of us are introverts. He often comments "I don't have any friends." Which is not exactly true - he had a couple but he didn't make the effort to keep in touch. That's on him, imo. Like you, it's not my problem to fix.

Good to hear from you, ibonnie.

I think you've got to talk about this and set expectations/boundaries for what you do and what your H does. W & I are both introverted, and I know I have to take care of my own wants.

I'm doing that, I guess, though at a very slow pace. Actually, I've really enjoyed being with W and her friends from HS and college. I'm less introverted than my W, so I give her protection from having to talk, so maybe you and your H would enjoy going together to these get-togethers. Or ... if you like your friends' partners, maybe getting together as a 4-some would be enjoyable.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:06 PM, Thursday, May 29th]

Both spouse and I would be generally be considered extroverts....however....both out jobs require constant interaction and being "on" that said when we are not working we prefer to nest and be very limited in interactions with others to the point that I have not made public my breast cancer diagnosis as to not have to deal with others unnecessarily.

So if he is feeling left out as an adult I would turn that back to him. It is 1000% his responsibility to increase outside interaction. It's not part of your role as wife to be the social planner.

An ambivert is a personality type that sits between introversion and extroversion on the personality spectrum, exhibiting traits of both.

Totally me…I was doing research on this during the first covid lockdown. I literally had no real problem not seeing people in person for weeks at a time. Which struck me as odd and unexpected, because like Tush my job is very people oriented. So is my now partner’s job.

We would both rather spend time at home, projects, music, Netflix, etc.

I completely agree that as adults it is difficult to meet new friends. I met three close GFs via church, meetup and Nextdoor. 1 introduced themselves to me, the other 2 I made the first move to engage with them.

It takes effort. I used to say when I first tried OLD, I didn’t think Mr. Wonderful was going to come knock on my door and introduce himself. I needed to put myself in situations to possibly meet others-I found him in a dance lesson!

If your H is lamenting about lack of friends at home and sitting on the couch, it is his responsibility to fix it.