SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:14 PM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2025
So he's mad that you had a side "affair" when he ghosted you. (Psst. That wasn't an affair. You're single. That was just dating.)
He's gaslighting the hell out of you trying to make you think that you're the problem. It's working, evidently, because here you are, trying to figure out how to make this unavailable, manipulative, gaslighting man come back to you. It's not that he doesn't believe your story, it's that "not believing" it is a terrific excuse to remain distant and stay comfortably in his marriage.
He's a user. He was using you. Now he has to manipulate you into - and keep you in - a headspace where you're less likely to tell his wife. If he dangles just enough "I want you, but..." you'll stay on the hook.
You might be too close to see it, but that's exactly what's going on.
He's got you completely mindf*cked.
[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:19 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
torso1500 ( new member #83345) posted at 5:55 PM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2025
Seems to me that you are one of many affair partners, as far as the primary dynamic. I'm not sure following the usual advice for WS/BS will work with this "partner", because I'm not seeing much of anything to work on.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2025
First I commend you for posting and seeking help. It appears you are both waywards as the relationship started that way. I can't tell if you are married or not if it is the latter I would end this relationship as it sounds like it was never healthy and isn't healthy now. I sense a need to control from him and he also uses abandonment and silence to punish you both are abusive.
Were you broken up at the time you had your A? If so and if you are not married I honestly don't view it as an affair. Did he also keep cheating during your relationship? It certainly sounds like it. Is he actually divorced from his ex-wife?
It sounds like hell and not a very healthy situation for either of you.
I would make an appointment with an IC and get healthy yourself, learn from these mistakes and move on to a healthier situation for you.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:11 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
BuffaloBill ( new member #86029) posted at 6:45 PM on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2025
So these kids of yours are they from your first marriage? Do you share custody or were the kids just at school or something when you were getting high and watching TV with Z? Why did you cheat on your first husband and throw all that away, just to chase after your "soul mate"? Curious what kind of guy he is/was but perhaps that's irrelevant to all this.
