SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There have been posts where the ws’ behavior is so atrocious that recommending R sounds ridiculous. Most posts are about ws who make decisions without any idea of the havoc the cheating will release.
My experience was typical young couple with young children and the father traveled for business. I was told but chose to rug sweep. I had two ill parents and siblings with their own worries. We moved he changed jobs and life went on. When I blindsided him one day he could not think fast enough and admitted it. Never discussed it again. We have a good marriage. I never even cried over it…but I also know I have a husband who cheated.
My hope is that some of the bs will pay attention to their health. It is taking a beating every single day that bs live in agony. That is why I stay on here. I don’t have a story of sorrow. I have one of moving on in life and being glad he is my partner. I do have a life long issue from stress from a job. Going to training and seminars helped me understand how dangerous it is to live with chronic/acute stress. Other than death of a loved one I cannot think of anything more horrible to have happen is being lied to, cheated on and abandoned. That is why sometimes I want bs to leave. I certainly hope they don’t drag it out. They pay a terrible price.

I dropped off the site twice.

Once as a new ws, after getting flamed on my first post by a fellow ws.

Once as a new bs because as distressed and disappointed as I was I could not stand to have others talk about my husband like they knew him. It was too tender. Add to the controversy of "well you did it first" and there was really no way I could have kept enduring those things in my state. I found some who really were good at supporting and I leaned on them, and stayed out of posting.

I would classify both times as "wasn’t ready for the truth"

But I think we have always had drop offs.

I had never read realitybites post before today (however I remember his support of me and it was always very helpful), but I think it covers a really specific, yet growing scenario of women who are late 30’s early 40’s who have affairs. I read somewhere, (and I take statistics with a grain of salt because I think often they are slanted with questionable sources) that women from 40-44 are the fastest growing group for cheating. Also women are the ones filing for divorce the most (like 70% of the time)And I could write quite a long post about all that. I do see so many correlations- maybe for another day.

However, what I think we could always do better is to be a little more patient with peoples processes. And less shaming of where they are. But I have said this since I have gotten here. We have had this same kind of post many times in the almost 8 years I have been here and I do not think any of us could really influence how others respond to newbies or otherwise. No one ever agrees on what the issue is.

II think we would do better to look at the person and try to encourage them to take the next step in their healing. If you can get someone to invest in that they will reach the right decision for them. I wish we could support them more on where they are in their process instead of shaming them or projecting our outcome or situation on them. And I fully admit I am mot perfect at this myself. I strive to get better though.

I think for those who don’t think many people successfully reconcile, you are probably exhibiting confirmation bias. And for those who reconciled, the same. Every situation is different, and still shares similarities.

But we are human, and even though I try I still fail at what I feel the ideal will be. But I do think, especially when dealing with newer bs’s in the trenches, we need to recognize they have a big journey ahead of them regardless of the outcome of the marriage. Most people are in a grieving process the first year and that first six months is nothing but denial and bargaining. They are not going to see "get a divorce" as a viable thing to just push the button on. I do think the "it takes two-5 years to heal" does sound scary but if you are in denial or bargaining you still have the attitude "but I can get my life back". And 99 times out 100 that’s what they will focus on until a later stage. It would be great if we didn’t make them feel so foolish while that is transpiring.

They are the victim. They need a little time. As they progress, I think maybe they will be more ready to deal with the idea that normal they were hoping to get back to isn’t returning. I think gentleness should be exercised always, but we are all in different stages and have different capacities and approaches to what that means.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:09 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

Echoing many others here, I believe a significant reason for individuals dropping off in these real-life situations is their potential unpreparedness to face the truth.

Regarding the tone used with newcomers, I'm less concerned. It's challenging to discern who requires a firm wake-up call versus gentle support. Both approaches likely have merit and resonate differently with various individuals.

Personally, had I arrived here immediately after my experience, I would have craved validation of my anger and a collective condemnation of my ex, perhaps more than practical advice.

However, a pattern I've observed, and I'm curious if others share this, is a correlation between the severity of the betrayal and subsequent abuse, and the tone of the responses. This leads me to suspect that in truly horrific situations involving significant manipulation and pain, the responses tend to be harsher. I imagine this stems from a desperate urgency to help the person see the reality of their situation before it causes further harm

Thinking beyond this forum, I used to participate in a similar group on a larger social media platform where members often had less experience with such matters. I noticed a difference in the tone of the advice depending on the situation. For instance, if someone reported a partner's drunken one-night stand or EA the advice was generally more moderate and varied. If the user expressed interest in reconciliation, while often discouraged, it was met with more understanding.

However in highly charged sexual long term affairs with multiple partners and elements of ritual humiliation, users often became angry at the original poster for even considering staying. The language could become quite aggressive, with terms like 'doormat' and 'cuckold' being used. While that particular community was likely less enlightened than this one, I wonder if the underlying principle – that the severity of the situation influences the tone of the response – remains the same.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 12:33 AM, Friday, April 11th]

You may be on to something there, dr. I think some of the most atrocious responses continues to be mostly in the JFO forum. I no longer read there because of that coupled with I can’t post there to even offset any of it.

But when you think about it, the pain is freshest there. And when you read that pain it’s triggering to many and they want to save the person.

I generally think it’s not always the severity of the crime but also how some posts just drip with pain.

I personally think that harsh responses are not helpful for the 0-12 month stages. The people who are going to file in that time are probably more where you are in the spectrum of tolerance for it. But I think the majority of them need to walk through several stages before they are ready to go.

I personally find that the only time I recommend an outcome,which isn’t often, it’s to leave. So I am not against that sort of encouragement at all. I have just always thought we could be gentler with newbies, but their pain I believe is why people become so passionate. It touches a deep spot, takes people back to their beginning.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:49 PM, Friday, April 11th]

Regarding the tough messages in JFO and the drop-off rate...

I don’t necessarily agree that people leave because they can’t handle the truth. I think a larger factor leading to why they leave is how the truth is delivered.

Lots of us here have experience as first responders.

I have been in situations where I have had to evaluate whom to offer aid to first, or the situation where I either know or doubt the person I’m tending to will survive.

Yet I would never walk past someone telling them that since I think their injuries are fatal anyway, I’m going to prioritize someone else. Or tell someone with an open fracture and bleeding profusely that this is the worst injury I have ever seen and that they are a lost cause. Or tell someone that since it’s an hour to the nearest hospital they are dead anyways, that it’s a lost cause and therefore not worth fighting.

Instead, you offer solace, hope and possibly direction. Yes – you prioritize, but part of your process is assuring people that they will get help and that things will somehow work out. You might even encourage people to talk about their loved ones – knowing that you are likely to be the one to pass along the message.

There is a vast difference in saying "from what you share it’s clear your wife is promiscuous" or "your wife is the village bicycle – being ridden by everyone". Basically, the same content – but completely different delivery.

I think we need to have a first-responder mentality on JFO.

Maybe the goal shouldn’t be to get posters to grasp the truth per se. Maybe it should be that they grasp and accept reality. I think that when they have reality they more-or-less find the truth quite quickly.

Sometimes the "truth" that is so obvious to us isn’t the real truth. I would need a spreadsheet to keep count of all the posts where someone brings an unclear situation to this site and our truth screams infidelity.

After all – if your husband starts going to the gym, changes his haircut and works overtime the ONLY logical explanation can be he’s doing Karen in accounting... And our role needs to be to repeatedly scream at the poster that he’s having an affair...

When in fact it could simply be a mid-life crisis, a health-scare, a positive drive of self-improvement... or a thing for Karen...

Maybe we also sometimes need to suggest people search for the truth rather than confirmation of an assumption.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:39 AM, Tuesday, April 15th]

That’s probably more accurate, Bigger. I agree.

That’s probably more accurate, Bigger. I agree.

Beautifully said, Bigger. 100% agree.