SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like my title says, its one of those days I had nightmares about my H being a monster and his A all over again. I woke up at 2am, then again at 5am and up for good at 630a.
18 months out, the nightmares are fewer and far between but still knock the wind out of me.

I have a question/advice that maybe someone here can relate.

When I come to this site sometimes i get upset and question all of my decisions. Yes I know we all have a different story, different waywards, different lives. I will read a story on here that is so close to our story and immediately become skeptical if the WW in the story here had an A again, or more truth came out. I literally start to question my H all over again and start to question myself and my choice to stay and try to R. To be fair, my H has been the model spouse for the past year and change but reading stuff here sometimes does more harm than good for me. That is NOT to say I am not thankful for you all or thankful that we have this place to vent but I start my in person support group tonight and I am so nervous. I am nervous because what if someones story triggers me or I start to question my own sanity or decision... I feel like the closer I get to infidelity stories, or infidelity itself the more I start to really freak out. I don't know if that makes sense or not, its almost like being around other people with similar stories could be a trigger... I start to dig into my own story and re question him on things I have the answers to, its like I do it to just do it, I am not even itching to reopen that wound, does that make sense?

I think I am going to take an hour before my meeting tonight and just sit alone and really think about everything before I go in because I have a feeling when I come out of the meeting tonight I may not feel the best, I remember after IC I would usually cry.

I don't bury the issues , I face them every day but I am at a point where I am content ENOUGH with the story and details I got from my H but then I read things where people ask more detailed questions that I really don't want or care to know anymore but I all of the sudden get the urge to ask.

I am sorry for the rambling but I feel like maybe I am starting to heal , even a little bit but I keep feeling like I am getting sucked back in , not by anyone else but by my own self doubt? Self preservation? Pride? Or maybe I am running from something. Anyone have the same thoughts?

I am not super sure.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:26 PM, Tuesday, April 8th]

I hope you are normal because I go through the same things. I think what drives me is my quest to complete the jigsaw puzzle that is my life. I have enough of the pieces to be able to extrapolate what the whole looks like even though some pieces are missing or partial. But there is this itch to fill in all the blanks with actual pieces that is exacerbated by reading SI postings and others’ experiences.

Seems pretty normal to me, too.

I question everything, so I questioned how our R was going again and again, until I didn't. Questioning R meant questioning my own commitment and requestioning my W again and again.

Sometime in the 2nd year, before asking my W about something, I started asking myself, 'What is the positive outcome of asking about this again?' If I identified a positive outcome, I asked my question; if I couldn't find a positive outcome, I didn't ask.

I think triggers are pain coming to the surface to be released. They're painful, but I benefitted, I think, when I let the triggers run their course without trying to block them. What will happen if you're in a peer support group and you break out crying or show you're triggered some other way? I think it's most likely that you'll get peer support.

Healing is not linear.

What actually happens is things are revisited until they are fully processed. The feelings will visit for shorter and shorter tome periods, and stay away longer and longer between.

18 months is a good amount of time that there is more stability than earlier, but not far enough along to stop touching the wound. What you describe is normal, and going in a good direction.

The fact you have been good about feeling your feelings doesn’t surprise me that you would be getting to more solid ground. I would see these periods of revisiting or being triggered much like Sissoon is saying- it’s just feelings that linger that need to keep being processed.

And of course trusting and feeling solid will also come in flickers and will eventually stay for longer periods and the days of doubts will become more manageable.

Glad to hear your update.

As far as this site, yes there are scary stories and good stories and everything in between. They can be triggering. For me, that was helpful to show me what I still needed to heal. For others, taking breaks from or graduating from the site is helpful to them. You have seemed to be on less- if that is helping then do that. If it’s still more helpful to talk about it with others, then you are still processing and the triggers can be helpful to spur that on.

I think what you will eventually do with that doubt is replace it with confidence in yourself. The confidence in him may not ever be completely 100 percent but often that is offset with the BS knowing they have it handled if it goes south. I would look at those fears and see what you can do for them independently. Maybe save some money aside even if it’s it drips and dribbles for a just in case fund if you have to divorce due to him not staying sturdy in his commitments and focus. Continue to see friends and building your community that you have folks if you need them. I can’t tell you all the things you would need, those are just examples.

Hey Groot,

I actually posted a similar question not too long ago. Just wanting to chime in that you’re not alone in these particular feelings. I know for me it’s always "refreshing" to know I’m not alone in these seemingly "weird" thoughts. Turns out they are normal after all.

I don’t "see" you here as often since your son’s accident and remember you said you were going to take some time away to focus on him. I think that was/is a good thing.

While SI is definitely a great outlet, it definitely has the ability to produce or heighten certain triggers (probably for most people).

Even though 18 months feels like "forever" it’s still early. Whenever I start to think that I should be farther along in my healing than what I am … I think back to those initial 6 months and compare it to now and I’m satisfied and proud of the progress I’ve made. Sometimes it’s nice to have some outside perspective and validation that healing is happening. Healing isn’t a one size fits all approach.

I think you were onto something with "taking a break" from SI for a while. As if you don’t already live and breathe infidelity everyday with your own thoughts and stories, sometimes seeking solace in online forms can backfire and create the opposite effect of what we’re seeking.

I myself have started to ween myself a bit from SI, for this exact reason! There would be days (just like you) I project myself into someone else’s story and immediately question what my own story is. It’s ridiculous isn’t it? But, I totally do it too and while it’s not real, it just seems so real and then you can’t help but feeling like you are being sucked back down to analyzing everything all over again.

Anyways. Your post was of great comfort for me. I hear you. I feel you. I understand where you are coming from. I hope your therapy session brought you some comfort.

How di the group meeting go?

I'm writing again to mention that I pretty much stuck to G, R, OT, and F & G for years. I stayed out of JFO & WS until I joined the staff, D/S until a few weeks ago, and I still don't go into NB.

JFO is heartbreaking. WS can be triggering (and I can't post of STOP-signed threads anyway), and I avoided D/S out of superstition. Superstition keeps me out of NB, too.

Do what you need to do. The good thing is that you can come back to SI whenever want to.

Sisoon

I stay out of those threads too, I accidentally read in the JFO forum and I was gutted. I def am not ready to feel that pain all over again, it is way too soon.

I used to read the WS religiously but even that became to heavy to carry so I hang out in the G or R forums.

I am super conflicted on my support group...

I introduced myself and shared our story, that I was there to work ON MYSELF and MY healing because my H was working on his but I was just feeling so much anger and grief. I mentioned that i wanted to R with my H and that I was 18 months out and he was over a year clean on porn and whatnot. When the group leader asked me what hes doing on terms of healing and changing i listed them

1. He quit his job

2. He got the porn blockers

3. He quit his band

4. He goes to IC (christian based)

5. We have life 360 etc.

I told her I wanted to heal myself so we could heal together and she basically told me it isn't IF he goes back to porn but WHEN unless he joins a 180 group, no ifs ands or buts. When I told her that hes been good for over a year she mentioned he would relapse again and I explained that he was in counseling/church etc. she said it wasn't enough and he would fail and relapse because he was an addict... I mean that really put me off and the rest of the time I wasn't very happy. I am trying not to get upset or take it as a personal attack but I do not feel like her opinion based on her own marriage should come into her conversation with me. When I explained our son and how he lost his limbs she let me know that his 180 group would be on a different day... like okay lady we still have 3 other kids... Also a lot of the women were D after their struggles with their H so I feel like maybe i was judged in a way... the whole first page of the agreement for the group was "WE DONT DISCUSS THE SPOUSES HEALING OR JOURNEY:"

So she broke her own rule....

The sheer thought of losing me and the kids and our sons accident was in my opinion enough to snap him out of whatever stupid mindset he was in and he has determination to stay on the right path just by that. When he struggles he talks to his counselor.

Could he relapse without a 180? Sure. Can he relapse with a 180? That answer is yes too.

I don't know it got me questioning him again and why he isn't in a 180 group but we discussed that I need to focus on me right now and later on he could do the 180 and she is basically saying if we don't do it at the same time it will fail.

Of course I hammered him when I got home on why he isn't in a group and then he reminded me two of our girls have dance every week, our son has therapy twice a week, and I have my group and our other daughter has counseling... I just let it get to me too much.

I am unsure on whether I will be back next week, the material is good but I felt she overstepped just a bit. Maybe I am wrong? Maybe I am too defensive?

Advice is welcome!

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:44 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

Did I miss something? What is a "180 group"? And what magical fairy dust does it hide away from the rest of the world?

Anyone saying that their solution to addiction (and seemingly all life’s problems) is the one and only way loses all credibility out of hand for me. And any group leader breaking rules on day one seems unprofessional at best.

You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to with them.

You don’t have to accept their input as somehow prophetic, no more than ours here on SI. Take what you need, leave the rest.

I know life is crazy for you. I would recommend continued vigilance toward your husband’s addictive behaviors. Being busy is a reason but not an excuse, if anything it could put pressure on him to return to shitty coping mechanisms, IMO.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 6:29 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

The main reason I never liked these group anything, as far back as having to do group work in grade school… such a higher chance of dummies being involved.

She doesn’t know if he’ll relapse without some group! And to make that determination after speaking for a couple minutes? Well, you found the dummy in that group.

Some alcoholics need AA the rest of their lives. Some just decide they’ve had enough and never drink again.
Why is that? Because we’re all different and respond to outside stimuli differrently.

Ugh. Feel like going on a 12 paragraph rant, so I’ll stop now.

Ink.

Did I miss something? What is a "180 group"? And what magical fairy dust does it hide away from the rest of the world? r

EXACTLY.

It is a support group for men with addictions such as sex, porn etc.
She said that he needs peer accountability but yet when I told her that our entire family and close group of friends know she said it isn't always best to have people know .... IDK I just got the wrong vibes from her.
If I can speak freely she has been through infidelity with her H and she is one of the ONLY ones in the room to have successful reconciliation so either I think she comes with a lot of knowledge that she should OFFER or she just likes to have that success. I could be wrong but I really don't know why else she would say something like that with not knowing my husband or myself.. weird.

You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to with them.

You don’t have to accept their input as somehow prophetic, no more than ours here on SI. Take what you need, leave the rest.

I think I was too trusting... as i should have learned the first go round with my H. I was eager to share my story and proud of how far I have come and he has come and I felt more shamed than anything. I have decided that if I attend next week, which I think I will, I am not sharing ANYTHING outside of my feelings and my healing and my H won't be mentioned, it is about me anyways, not him. The other ladies are great that are in the group so I don't want to shut it down just yet. I should give it one more chance.

I know life is crazy for you. I would recommend continued vigilance toward your husband’s addictive behaviors. Being busy is a reason but not an excuse, if anything it could put pressure on him to return to shitty coping mechanisms, IMO.

Ding Ding Ding! This! I completely agree, him and I have been overly stressed lately and he joins his own golf league next week which will be his one night to himself and then I have my Tuesday groups. I think that once things slow down a bit, I will ask him to go to a recovery group with me on Monday nights , they do one at a church where people share their stories and testimonies and they break off into a mens group and then a womens group.

We are just pulled in so many ways right now it is very hard.

I want to focus on my healing right now because if I don't then I have a fear that I will continue to shame him and that is the last thing I want to do. Yes he made A HORRIBLE DECISION, one that I probably will never forgive him for but I am not okay with being verbally abusive or shaming him every waking moment because I know that he is trying to heal too. I don't want to be that person, Ive been that person for 18 months and I don't enjoy it.
I think that when I AM in a better place to forgive myself and grieve what we've lost then we can try to heal with each other.

If that makes sense.

OhItsYou

YES! Exactly....
I have a very hard time not drinking after he had his A, I still struggle like anyone , I drank for the first 16 months religiously and I am ashamed of that. I do not need AA (yet) but I know that I have an issue that I am working on myself with the help of my friends as well as with my beliefs.
I really struggle with people that come with an "one size fits all" approach, we are all wired differently, I know most WS didn't lose part of their child as well... that in itself changes you.

It still really bothers me tbh , just thinking about what she said in the room makes me wish I woulda called her out.. but shockingly Iam pretty nice.

Not defending the woman, I think most people who have addiction issues are told along the line that relapse is part of the process. Not as a prophetic message. More as a warning that it happens and to not let it stop you in your journey.

I was told this. I have had no relapses, it’s been 8 years. I don’t so much think it’s meant as a prediction but as a reminder that if you mess up, there is no reason to stop trying. I think failure is part of a lot of learning processes, but it doesn’t mean failure will happen.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:48 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

I am with you H/O.

What she didn't know is in the beginning he relapsed several times with the porn... he didn't want to talk to me about it because it had a lot to do with shame and the taboo of all of it.

Now that we can openly talk about it and what it has done to our family, what it did to him mentally / emotionally etc it isn't a subject we avoid anymore. I have gotten better at at least understanding his mindset, I still don't get they hype and addiction behind it but he doesn't enjoy drinking and doesn't understand it and why I like to drink... we all have our vices.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 7:52 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

If I can speak freely she has been through infidelity with her H and she is one of the ONLY ones in the room to have successful reconciliation so either I think she comes with a lot of knowledge that she should OFFER or she just likes to have that success.

I would expect someone who has experienced betrayal to have empathy for another victim. But just like none of us here have a perfect answer to every one of your questions, neither does she. But I could imagine that being a group leader and a lone voice she might come to think she does.

Clearly I don’t know her, just a reminder to a friend to keep things in perspective. She might be the second coming of WBFA in female form, and then what?

And to your original question about what SI does to/for you: do what is right for you. I personally really enjoy interacting with you, so I selfishly hope you stay in the fold. You’re good people, Groot.

I'm so sorry the group was less than successful. I had my pollyanna hat on when I said they'd be supportive with total confidence.

IDK ... your H is somewhat accountable to his IC. If he keeps going to church, maybe that's enough accountability. I think you my be right, too, in that the trauma of the past 18 months will keep the addiction totally controlled.

My reco is not to obsess about the group. Maybe you'll go; maybe you won't. You don't have to decide until just before you arrange care for the kids - or just before the meeting itself if your H is going to be home whether you go or not.

Also, I recommend patting yourself on the back for finding this group. I'd like to have had a support group when I was recovering, but despite being in a large urban center (Chicago), I couldn't find a support group. I couldn't even figure out where to look. My hat is off to you.

I think the group leader sounds a lot like many in AA.
I’m not an alcoholic or have any need for AA for myself, but IMHO it’s possibly the best tool for addicts and alcoholics that want recovery. In their world the rule is that you join the program, follow the program and stick to the program to keep safe – to keep sober.
This is why you have new members go to 1-2 meetings daily, and for the first years 2-3 a week. This is also why you have members that have been sober for over 20 years still attend meetings. Maybe not as often, but still... they will feel a need to attend to adhere to sobriety.

Now – Does that apply to your husband?
I don’t know... I know addicts that have recovered without AA (or 180 or whatever the "cult" is called). I also know those that have fallen off the wagon despite AA. But most recovered that I know of have stuck to the AA program, gone again and again and eventually remain sober.

I think the guide was implying this. That without a constant reminder on how to be porn-free your husband would eventually relapse.

To me the key-question would be: Is your husband an addict? Is he a sexual addict or did he "simply" misuse porn?

I would all day prefer he wasn’t an addict. Addictions are life-time. Misuse can be changed.

I think you should confront the leader before the next group starts – in private about the breach in the guidelines. Then take it from there.
I think the message she gave you is relevant, and I think it would be wrong of you to assume that since your husband says he’s stopped using porn that he will never again use porn. Not saying he will – but rather that there is always the chance he might.

I think the message she gave you is relevant, and I think it would be wrong of you to assume that since your husband says he’s stopped using porn that he will never again use porn. Not saying he will – but rather that there is always the chance he might.

Bigger

Absolutely, I agree. I do believe that meetings are important which his Counselor that he sees had a porn issue and that was brought up a lot when he was first going. They peeled back the layers of why he started using it and so forth. He used it as an escape from his life that he wasn't happy with by his own hands. He didnt make enough money, he was in a failing band, he felt undervalued, that sort of thing. Porn and his A were a way for him to feel like someone else, like he was somebody that mattered.

I just don't like someone telling me without the specific group he would relapse. He very well may relapse down the road and I am very well aware it is a possibility with / without a support group and when/if it happens then we will have to cross that bridge when we get there.

I think it would be beneficial for him to go to a recovery group and share his story, I know we discussed that already but we want to continue to heal and heal our family before we try to do that.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 5:25 PM, Thursday, April 10th]