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5 weeks from DD1 and the usual TT. My question is when I think of it as "an affair" I can be calm and talk about it, ask him his whys and hows etc but when I think of the all the individual acts of betrayal, every text (I've seen some) and every moment he chose to sleep with her, I completely lose it, my body physically reacts. I know this is all normal but should I allow my self to dwell on these "individual moments" is this a healthy way to process it or is it like self harming by staying in the pain, there is no rug sweeping as we talk about it alot (had to ring fence time as it was relentless and making us both ill) and although he finds it hard as he in so shameful he will still discuss it but when he sees the hurt he is asking me do I really want these details and asking me are they helping me making me worse, and I'm honestly not sure. My counsellor said I have to decide what is best for be, but I am petrified if I ignore the individual acts of each occasion I am not really dealing with it...any words of wisdom??

While others will chime in, I can share my experience, I’m just about at 4 years post DDay, and these thoughts still bother me a lot. Through IC I have learned that this is not a me issue, but a her issue. It doesn’t lessen the pain from it, but it allows me to decide my path forward where I’ll get the most happiness. I found a great IC who worked with me utilizing EMDR therapy, it did teach me how to not let the pain take over my world. You are early in the process so hopefully your spouse will put in the work and effort to repair the damage that they caused. My WW is a rugsweeper and has chosen to not work on herself and this has caused me continuing pain. I often wake in the middle of the night thinking of what was lost. The individual choices that were made every day to hide and conceal her secret life. It can be very overwhelming and something I’ve learned that has helped was to use that pain as a driving force to motivate me to find tasks and hobbies that give me enjoyment. I have learned to find things unique only to me that bring me happiness. Wish I could give you more support. Hang tough. You will rise from the ashes on this, I know it in my heart.

Every person is different so it’s hard to know the best path towards recovery, healing and reconciliation (R).

Some people want to know every detail. Others don’t want to know just because it’s too painful.

At some point you will decide you know enough and move on. I think it was a year before I stopped asking questions. But the first 6 months were the worst and I was almost like an attorney grilling the criminal 🤪😂

The thing is once you see a photo or learn of details, you cannot remove it from your mind. You are stuck with it. But……you also want to know what you are forgiving and whether you can reconcile with the person who devastated you.

I needed to know every single detail, I’m absolutely relentless!, I made WH take me to each spot where every incident happened, demonstrate what he did physically and verbalise every word they said, I even timed it with a stopwatch.
Because of TT I still feel I don’t know everything but I’m sure I have the bulk of it.
I need to know everything because as painful as it is I believe knowledge is power, if I know everything then nothing can come out and hurt me.

I never thought I’d get the complete truth from WW, so I just imagined it all. The worst I could imagine.

As to what they said to each other, don’t much care. They’re liars. He said what she needed to hear to let him inside her, and she said what kept the validation coming. A positive feedback loop.

As to what they did, well, I imagined that, too. In excruciating detail. The worst possible. He was "bigger." She was enthusiastic. No protection. Her arms and legs around him, etc., etc. She having the time of her life. Nauseating. Really, nauseating.

But no matter what she has told told me, or would have told me if I had pressed, this is what I would always believe. What I had to decide if I could live with. She will never tell me, and I will never find out, anything worse.

This might be the worst advice, ever.

You’re still very early days. It’s important to be kind and gentle on yourself. You’re still in a state of shock and trying to wrap your head around endless amounts of thoughts, searching for information that might give you another piece to the puzzle.

What you’re feeling is 100% normal. Feel all those emotions and do with them as you wish. It’s important to fully process them in order to release them from your body. This will be a continual cycle, but over time emotions become better regulated.

As for details, there is no right or wrong way to go about this. Some people need to know everything, while others only want the bare minimum. You get to decide what details are important to you and what details you can live without.

I agree with The1stWife as a cautionary warning that you can’t "unhear or unsee" certain details, which could cause additional trauma. I know for me, I needed to know EVERYTHING in order to process that time in my life that I was left in the dark about. Plus, I needed to know what it was that I was going to (maybe, hopefully) offer my forgiveness for one day.

At only 5 weeks out, you have a long road ahead in terms of Q + A … you will find yourself repeating the same questions over and over, while also thinking of new ones to ask.

Just know that it’s not a one size fits all approach. You do what you feel comfortable with.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. 5 weeks is so early and you will go through so many emotional ups and downs on this path. I’m nearly 2 years post DDay- I think every BS has the right to decide how much is enough. I was desperate for every detail I could find, every question I could have answered, everything. Something about the secrecy to me felt like I could not proceed without knowing. In every situation, the answers I got were not as terrible as the images my mind had created. I know this is not how others feel. I think you have to pace yourself and understand what you need, how you can best have your needs met, know you deserve whatever it takes for you to heal.
For me it was everything, and yes it hurt deeply. I also had my WH take me to every location they went together, in her town 4 hours away. This gave me power and took away the secrecy for me- again this is just my experience. I wish you the best in your healing, and that you will give yourself grace as you navigate this he’ll you were stopped into.

For me, I needed some (not all) details to help combat the gaslighting.

How do the details help you? Does it matter if he did x once instead of five times? Is it helping you reconcile who you are actually married to vs who you thought you were married to?

Emotional energy is going to be on short supply here for the next bit of time. Identify why these details are important to you and make sure you’re fulfilling that particular need in the best way possible.