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Bigger: your reply hits home for sure. I think you are right. He thought this was a one-night sleep on the couch transgression. WTF dude. I do believe he has not done much to help and he has just swept it under the rug. Meanwhile, I’m struggling so much and doing all the work! He has refused to go to counseling and gets a bit frustrated when I bring up the subject of the affair. Sigh

I haven't read your story except for this post but are you sure this affair is over, or is there a possibility that he is doing some other weird sh** on the side with any other women? Something doesn't seem to add up to me. Especially because he doesn't want to take a deep dive into his life and take any accountability for the hurt and pain he has caused you. And this is why you are questioning if R is worth the effort that you are putting in to try and save your marriage. Did you notice I said "you?" I don't think he has a clue because chances are that he still has the same behaviors that got him involved with another women/other women in the first place. My late wh also used to point others out to me at his work who were having affairs on the side. Go figure, right?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. And your wh is showing you signs that he doesn't feel the need to make changes in his behavior to become a safe husband for you. It almost wants to make me laugh that in his mind he doesn't think what he did is a big deal. It was just sex! And I also don't like that he gets irritated when you bring the affair up.

My late wh passed away 5 years ago today. He did do some of the work but it was only to appease me. He liked what he was doing behind my back. It excited him and he felt justified in doing it. His behaviors were pretty disgusting. And at the time, he didn't care that he was hurting me. And once I began to show signs that I wanted to trust him again, we just swept everything under the rug. I tried so desperately to believe him but his actions told me a different story.

Yes, go back to therapy. You can also join a support group for betrayed spouses. Read books on the topic. Listen to podcasts. But also go to the gym or yoga, swimming. Do a soft 180. Work on your life. Try and dedicate special time just for you. Read books on detaching. Anything to help you understand what you are going through and how to help grow stronger within yourself. I just purchased a book called Let Them. I am thinking it's going to be a good read.

I think a good goal for you is to practice emotionally setting yourself free, like the 180. I think putting some emotional distance between the two of you can help to gain clarity for how you want to proceed in your life.

I think you are on a good path. I think time will help you make the decision that is right for you. I decided to stay with my late husband at the time but looking back I'm not sure if I would have made it long term if he kept up doing what he was doing. It was that bad.

I just read some of your old posts and wanted to add that my late husband was in the same line of work as yours was. But I'm not saying this is stereo typical behavior for those who work in this line of work because everyone is different with different values. One thing I will say though is that it seems like some of them can have very big ego's who enjoy outside validation. My late husband being one of them.

I also want you to know that for the most part I have forgiven my late husband and also have realized his behaviors were deeply embedded into his psyche. I believe for him to have made a genuine effort to change his ways would have taken years of genuine hard work with a therapist, deep introspection and the wellingness to want to change. I now believe it was too much for him want to change what was a part of who he was for most of his life. He did not have good role models or examples of what a healthy marriage was suppose to be.

What I have found interesting is that my healing began after his death and what I have learned since then. I now feel that both he and I have healed to a good extent and neither harbor the bad feelings we both carried for the longest time.

R is possible but it does take two to make this happen, both you and your wh. And at this point I'm not sure he is seeing things the way you are seeing them. His views are obviously different than yours. I believe it's going to take something major for him to see the truth of his ways and how what he did affected you.

I am sorry you. I know that pain all too well. But there is hope. But I think your strength is going to need to come from you.

Hurtmyheart: thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. Yes, I do beleive his A is over. There is no way he could be still with her and I’ll spare the reasons why. While I don’t think he is having a PA, and an EA would be a stretch, he does have an attractive co-worker with who he texts (mostly work related, but a few chit chat things) - she is married. I believe he is attracted to her and I feel that he shouldn’t be texting her anything other than a work issue. I know of the chit chat because I snooped on his phone. However, one time we (my husband and I and our 2 boys) were at a restaurant and we ran into her with her H and other people from work. She did say to me, tell your H to quit texting me about how awful the weather has been! In a very fun, joking, playful way. So that is the ONLY evidence that I can talk with him about non-work texts.

And thank you for suggesting I go back to IC. I think I will. I try to do things just for myself. Exercise, hiking, walking and I have a lot of friends that are amazing.

Your situation is so different since your H has passed. I’m sorry to hear that. I'm glad you have mostly forgiven him; I’m not sure I will every fully forgive mine either. I do agree with you about that line of work - SO many infidelities in that line of work. It’s sad. I was thinking I was lucky, that we almost made it to the end of his career, then WHAM! I do remember the time period during his 1-1/2 year PA - he was so happy. He truly loved having his A. That hurts me a lot when I think about it.

Thank you again! I wish you peace and happiness!

[This message edited by Possumlover at 6:24 PM, Sunday, March 16th]

No one was more surprised at my decision to attempt R than me.

Our then 14 year old daughter (who discovered and informed me of the LTA) was a huge factor.

I could go on with a laundry list - but to me it came down to the following:

1 - The old Ann Landers question - was I better off with him or without him.

In my case it was "with" but I knew I could change my mind at any time.

2 - I needed to make sure I could look at myself in the mirror and my children in the eyes (if we D) and tell myself/them I did everything in my power to try to keep this from happening. And mean it.

Everything else I could go on about is variation on a theme.

ETA - I had also learned over the years that knee jerk decisions never served me well. So I took my time. And to date, I know that if the God Forbid ever happened - I could walk away leaving a trail of glitter in my wake knowing I did all I could and probably more than I should.

[This message edited by Chaos at 12:36 AM, Wednesday, March 19th]

To preserve my kids, house, and lifestyle. Though there was a window where I might have been able to save my house at least in D.

I don't think "having a new relationship with a person that hurt you" is attractive enough on its face to have a go at R. I recommend all people without practical entanglements to run.