SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't even remember why I felt so removed last week, but I was angry and hurt and feeling hopeless. I have always been proud to me married to my wife, even after the affair. I just love her, and my wedding ring has always been a strong symbol of that for me.

It always felt to me like it was warding off other women, and that it told my wife that I was committed to our marriage and proud that she was my wife. If I left the house accidently without it, I would drive all the way home to get it the moment I realized (which was quiet often a block away from our house but occasionally several miles). I just didn't feel right without it being on me.

But last week I had a moment where I just didn't want it to be on. I purposely took it off for a few hours as I sat in my office working, and I felt relief.

Even though this one only a single event, it was a big deal to me, and I haven't told my WW about this because I think it would only hurt her and push other further apart that we already are. I think we're very close to getting a divorce. I think she feels it too.

I don't think either of us want it, but I think we're both starting to feel like there's likely no way to avoid it.

In the words of Metallica:

Yeah, then it comes to be that the
Soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Was just a freight train comin' your way

For those with experience with divorce, what are the signs that it was inevitable when you look back on your situation? What are the red flags that you wish you recognized but maybe didn't until it had already dragged out too long? What advice would you have for me as I struggle to let go in hopes that somehow someway there's still something I can do to save this marriage?

I just did the same ring off…

What I know notice- gaslighting, moodiness were symptoms

I worked very hard…..he worked a bit…..I believe in healing and forgiveness….

DDay 2 we separated and the space has revealed that he was cruel. That his behavior was abusive ( gaslighting and not considering me at all in his behavior ). I’m a strong woman who would not consider herself abusable…..but here I am…..

I feel like my therapist and my friends, while supportive are suddenly looking at me when I say this and thinking " NO KIDDING!"

I cried a little yesterday in therapy….I said " I love him " and she said obviously, and he loves you but it takes more than that for a marriage to work- it takes respect, commitment , understanding, honestly- all which he did not give me. He is gutted now, too late :(

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 11:50 AM, Saturday, March 8th]

I took my ring off after D-day and gave it back to FWW. Told her it was tainted. A year went by and FWW bought me a new one.

Almost 20 years ago, for some reason my ring finger was swollen so I took my ring off because it starting to hurt.
FWW never noticed or if she did she never mentioned it. I haven't put it back on since. I won't until she asks.

For those with experience with divorce, what are the signs that it was inevitable when you look back on your situation?

A major point of no return was when I no longer desired to express my emotions in her presence. Not sadness, not anger, not joy. I no longer desired the connection with her that came in emotive moments.

For me, taking off my ring for the first time came in response to her doing it first. I suspect it may have been a ploy for sympathy from her, but if so it would have to be considered a backfire. But knowing that she took her ring off when she would go to be with him, they were both tainted in my heart anyway.

Glad to see you back (with multiple threads again ). Sorry it’s going so poorly.

I stopped wearing my engagement ring a few years after DD1 and then stopped wearing my wedding ring a few years after that. Ironically I was finally at a place last summer where I missed those rings and what they symbolized, and I felt good enough about where we were to finally start wearing them again, only to discover later that WH was in the middle of affair #2. Now divorcing, so the wedding rings didn't mean much either way, in my case.

As someone who in hindsight did all the work of R after DD1 and didn't expect as much as I should have from WH, my advice would be to think long and hard about whether your WW is meeting your needs in any way. Is she doing the hard work of R (and the hard work on herself), or might you be carrying her load for her because you so deeply want to save the marriage?

And your comment about feeling relief when the ring was off is worth reflecting on. Why do you think relief is what you felt? What emotion is underneath that relief? When I discovered DD2 and told my husband to leave, despite the fact that in that moment I was ending a 24 year marriage, I felt enormous relief. It took me a few weeks of being on my own to realize that the relief came from no longer feeling silently judged, no longer feeling that I was walking on eggshells all the time, and no longer twisting and contorting (or suppressing) my wants and needs and interests to fit him. None of those things were conscious, and it wasn't until the weight of the relationship was lifted that I realized how heavy it had been.

Wishing you clarity and peace, whatever you decide.