SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little bit of background. My husband of almost 10 years had an affair last summer for two months with his secretary who was also a friend of ours. After I found out, I decided to stay and work on our problems together along with counseling individually. We were good for about five months until I discovered he had contacted her again two weeks ago. He told me he missed her and he loved her and he couldn’t get over her so I asked him to leave the house. She is married as well, and after hearing from her wife, yep you read that right, they are apparently still together and working on their marriage. My husband left the house willingly even saying that we should do a 30 day separation so he has time to figure out what he really wants.

After two weeks of this separation, a lot of soul-searching and a ton of therapy, I made the decision to end my marriage. I told him this morning and immediately after I told him I felt regret and hurt and more pain than I have felt throughout this entire disastrous situation.

Never been here before, read a lot of posts and I’m assuming this is normal considering where I’m at and only time will heal and blah blah blah. But I can’t help but feel like I made this decision too quickly, maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready. Although husband is amicable and keeps apologizing and understands why I made my decision, he has made no suggestion otherwise that he wants to save this marriage.

I tried saving it for our six-year-old child and I think that’s the part that hurts the most. I’ve never felt so scatterbrained and lost and sad at the same time. I have a therapist, I have friends, and great family, but the one person that I have run to in the past to get through sad times is the one person who created it. I feel like I can’t breathe.

Divorce takes time. So if he somehow does a complete 180, then you can stop the process. Or you can D and then date down the road if he shows you he has changed. But so far it seems you were, like many of us went through, in false R. And what choice do you have but to file? He’s still in the affair and has no intention of stopping even when his affair partner (AP) says she is staying with her wife. And you need to get out of infidelity for your own wellbeing and your child’s.

What he has done - or attempted to do- in the time since discovery (DDAY)? Has he been white knuckling it? Do they still work together?

As for how you are feeling. Yeah, totally normal. You will have second thoughts and doubts and fears - the roller coaster continues for a while.
Try to go a low contact with him as you can. Communicate only via text or email and only about your child. Notice if you don’t feel that anxiety about where he is, what he is doing. Your nervous system has been in fight/flight mode for nearly a year. It will take time for your system to relax, but you will be amazed when it does. Your system doesn’t remember what normal feels like, and this is not good for your health.

You might try reading the "fear vs reality" thread posted at the top of the Sep/Divorce forum.

Very glad to hear you are in IC (individual counseling)- a good therapist can be a great help.
Take extra good care of yourself and your child.

You will get through this. You really will. You are very strong. Remember that when you feel sad. You look like a strong powerful bad*ass from here. Sending more strength….

Although husband is amicable and keeps apologizing and understands why I made my decision, he has made no suggestion otherwise that he wants to save this marriage.

This stands out to me. If husband wanted to work things out, he would have said so. Not saying it won't happen, but not at this time.

Take care of yourself. Continue to soul search. I tried to save my marriage, but I couldn't do it by myself.

Does the other betrayed wife know that she's still being cheated on?

We hear this a lot. People ask for a divorce, or tell their spouse they want a divorce, and then both sit back and wait for something to happen.
Divorce is a decision that leads to actions that lead to a result.
Just like reconciliation is a decision that leads to actions that lead to a result.

The result is not a given. Generally a decision to divorce will lead to a divorce, but there are plenty of forks on the road that can change the destination.
Same with reconciliation, but since it’s a less formal path then maybe the risk of taking the wrong forks is higher.

I want to encourage you in the strongest way to not be passive about your decision.
If you have asked for a divorce then DO a divorce. It’s a process and there are plenty of options to pause or speed up, back down or proceed, change your mind or go on.
If you haven’t, then your initial step should be to google the process in your state, talk to friends and colleagues that have divorced and start looking around for attorney recommendations.
Even if you and your husband decide to do this as amicably as possible and through mediation I would ALWAYS have my own attorney to consult with before signing or accepting any proposal.