SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He still doesn’t know what to call it, he strongly rejects it was a relationship or an affair,

If he refuses to admit it was an affair, then what is he calling it?

Another stupid thing cheaters say lol.

Stillconfused2022,

Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m glad you and your H are doing well it’s so refreshing to hear.
I argue with my self all day long and come to different conclusions throughout about what kind of A it was, constantly battling my own thoughts and trying to come to a definite conclusion, it’s exhausting. It’s like I want someone to tell me ‘ah yes this is what it was’.

My H had several kissing events and 3 of those with touching ( mutual masturbation without climax). From the first event to the last it was 2yrs 4 months and for 80% of the time H and AP claim they treat each other like every other colleague, 20% being more than just colleagues they would start flirting, talking about sex, sexual innuendos, discussing her ONS’s with men she met over the weekend etc. during these periods of more than friends she would ask for a lift home and H would agree, they would continue the sexual talk in the car on the ride home and they would kiss and start touching once pulled over. H has said it was his intention to have sex with her but once he ‘felt’ her it felt wrong and he would stop and explain he couldn’t do it.
She asked him in to her house one time and he went in, they started kissing and she took his hand and said let’s go upstairs, again he said I have to go and walked out, the next day at work she called him a chicken.
They would go back to treating each other like colleagues at work, avoiding each other but after weeks sometimes months it would start again until another event would happen then it went back to a factory reset.
H claims this happened 4-5 times before it came to an end.
There was never any contact or time spent together out of work only time H was ever alone with her was on the car journey home.
There was no talk about feelings but she did ask him ‘what is this thing that we have here, what are we’ H told her on a couple of occasions that they were just friends and colleagues and this has already gone too far and it will never go any farther and it won’t happen again.

Polygraph
Have you ever had sexual intercourse with AP?
Have you ever had oral sex with AP?
Apart from the people your wife is aware of have you ever had sexual intercourse with anyone other than your wife since the day of your marriage?.
All answered with no deception indicated.

I found her TikTok account and all her videos from back then are, I’m in love with someone who doesn’t even want me, I’m all about him and he’s all about her (me), I’m done trying to get you, I’ve wasted a year of my life trying to get you, he says we friends but his actions say differently, I know I’m being played, I caught feelings for someone who doesn’t even like me etc etc.
H since has said he wishes he would have looked at her socials back then because he’d have been furious.

My heart tells me that she was just some silly little whore, half his age with a massive crush on him 100% blowing smoke up his ass on a daily basis and knew how to press his buttons to make him sexually aroused, obviously all the blood had left his head and gone to another area and he had intended to put this area somewhere it shouldn’t be but when it came down to it for whatever reason he decided to abandon the mission. He could not go through with it.

I do try to tell myself that if he wanted to he would have, if he had fallen for her surely he would’ve showed an interest in her and tried sneaking off to meet her, surely he’d have slipped up and ended up having sex with her if he had any intention of being with her or had any feelings for her.
I do think he was enjoying the attention and it went too far but there’s a demon in my head will not let me be with this thought.

H seems really distant the past couple of days, not been himself at all. This makes me feel like he’s had enough so I feel unsafe and angry because I feel he should be grateful he’s still here instead of looking defeated and miserable. Do WS have days where they are like this or is he showing signs he’s had enough?

Bruce how are you doing? Is your husband still being distant?

I've met a new psychotherapist who I'm going to start therapy with soon and I'm hoping that will help.

My husband is working tonight so that will be a rest for me as I tend to ruminate and spiral when he is not here to reassure me... pathetic eh!

I’m doing ok Evio how about you?, I’m still going round and round over the same stuff asking all the questions.

I’m the exact same, when he is here I’m ok because he talks to me about everything I need to talk about but when he’s gone I start ruminating and sometimes I can distract myself sometimes I can’t and it’s constant panic attacks.

He’s not distant anymore no, he tells me it was because he doesn’t know what to do to help me and he feels useless. The guilt and shame is eating away at him and he’s really tired because he’s up all night with me when I have nightmares. I told him I don’t give a shit how he feels, it’s his fault we’re in this shit show in the first place. That seemed to straighten him out.

Are you on any medication? I went in beta blockers and they helped so much with the panic attacks...I'm already on anti anxiety meds as well. Its shit that our husbands could cause us this much pain and suffering 😞

My husband had the odd day where he didn't know how to react to my pain but he seems to be doing better now.

One of the issues I have is if I actually feel ok for a moment...I bring up the thoughts of the affair intentionally to see if it still hurts...like poking a bruise

Evio,

I don’t intentionally ask to see if it still hurts but I do actually forget about it on a busy day or when we’re out with the boys, then I’ll see something that reminds my and it’s like the most awful feeling, I’m not sure if it’s fear and terror mixed in with a panic attack, because I don’t like this feeling I don’t want to forget if you know what I mean?, my brain is saying ‘hey remember what happened’ on a loop.
I believe it’s our brain trying to keep us safe, I think we need to start telling it thanks for your concern but I’m ok.

I’m not on any medication, after discussing with the MH team they said how I was feeling and reacting was perfectly normal although she said I show I have PTSD and will be reviewed after completing the online course.

Do you have bouts of anger and want to go and beat the shit out of the AP Evio?

Hell yes! I literally wanted to spit on him I was so mad and my anger scares me but I know it's normal.

I find it quite satisfying seeing him do all the housework and look stressed though...he deserves it!

Yeah I can be in a meeting at work when the thought pops into my head 'my husband cheated on me' and the colour drains from me and I feel like I can't focus. It's awful but keeping busy is helping.

I think you're right, and brains are confused because our husbands are a source of comfort but now also pain so we want to run to them and from them....it's a mind fuck for sure

The anger absolutely terrifies me and it also terrifies my H, she still works at the same place as my H but at a different department, I keep threatening to go and wait for her after work, he’s scared one day I might lose it and end up on the evening news! TBH so am I. I think the only thing stopping me is the thought of having to explain to my boys why I ended up beating someone close to death, thinking of telling them what their Dad did hurts me more than the satisfaction I’d get from seeing the terror in her face.

I don’t know if your H is the same Evio but mine is very insecure and again this triggers the anger in me when he brings it up.
He tells me he’s worried I’ll have a revenge affair, worried I’ll leave him in a year or two or maybe five, he’s worried I’ll meet someone else, worried I’ll stop loving him, worried that one day he’ll see me happy with someone else, worried I’ll not be with him forever.
It makes me angry, absolutely furious in fact because he’s worrying about me doing these things because of what he’s done, he’s done this to himself, I refuse to bring him comfort and say I won’t do any of these things because he doesn’t deserve it.

I don't know if my husband is insecure but I know he certainly would be if I did what he has done to me to him!

I am spiralling today. I don't know why I'm worse when he is not here ...when he's not around I'm so hurt, bitter, sad and angry and when he's around I'm more understanding, loving and generally pacified. I don't what my true feelings are? And a part of me feels like I'm not entitled to have these feelings or contemplate ending the marriage for something that happened over a decade ago. I text him today saying I just want a chance to start over again in life as I feel this life has been stolen from me and its not fair. He took away my agency and has left me with a heavy bag of grief to carry for the rest of my life I trusted him with my life but he turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing

I know exactly how you feel, I sometimes have to remind myself how long ago these things happened, it’s so confusing.
I also think that had he not told me about the infidelities I’d have never known, he also ended the A himself, it’s hard not to dwell on thoughts of having life stolen away, I see it as I would not have what I have now had I not lived my life up until today and my children alone are worth it.

I get you completely about losing the battle when your H is not home, I’m exactly the same. I can’t sleep without him either.

My feelings change daily sometimes hourly, one minute I love him and I want to R the next I’m disgusted in him and want a D and to destroy him. I have a list in my notes app on my phone titled ‘my reality right now’ on it are all positive things that I am or have right this moment and it does help.

I’ve already made a promise to myself Evio, I’m not carrying that bag with me for the rest of my life, it’s too heavy so one day I’m going to have to put it down and walk away, I don’t know when that will be but I know that I refuse to let it ruin the rest of my life. We will get through this Evio I’m sure we will.

Bruce123 and Evio, I feel for what you are going through. Again, it is normal. Your brain is actually trying to refile all that you have previously thought was "reality" with this new, horrible information. Completely normal. I personally did NOT want to forget about it...because I want it to have no power over me in the shadows. I want to be able to remember it ....and sure...it hurts...but I don't have to worry about it attacking me from behind a corner. And I will tell you ....that is happening....in beginning to see the full memory can exist, and it not sting so bad all the time. Sure...sometimes it gut punches me still. It used to do that much more, and wow did that hurt.

The key I feel to my situation is my wife finally got to point where she understood I NEEDED TO talk about it ...over and over and over and over and over again. I hope your husband's are the same.

I have not forgotten....I am going to write you my experience with betrayal. Just want a bit more dedicated time. Been running like crazy.

I want to assure you ...you and your husband's can come out of this with a "Common Story". And much of your past that you feel may have been a lie...will resurrect as real when the REAL LIE...the affair.....dies the death it deserves. Again ladies...trust me when I say the Jake Porter content will help you. I have a membership to his webinar library. It is maybe $30 a month or so. But the webinars are so helpful. My wife and I listen to them.

And I don't know your beliefs, but I can tell you....my survival was because I leaned on Christ, who "Heals the Broken Hearted".

Anyway....you are loved. Hang in there....day by day. Talk much to her hubby. Grieve Together.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 7:09 PM, Sunday, March 16th]

Once again Woodthrush2 thank you so much for your kind words and support it really means a lot.

Bruce - we seem to be having very similar feelings. I also can't sleep without my husband which, like last night, is awful when he's working lates. I completely spiralled last night and said awful things to him and we didn't get any sleep. He is struggling with headaches and the aftermath of opening up in counselling and I'm worried he's going to keel over from stress!
I then felt better today and we had some really deep conversations until I found my wedding dress cleaning under the bed and it triggered me again...the affair spanned two wedding anniversaries...two years he declared love for me knowing he was sexting her/ intimate. What does this even mean for our marriage? Are we still married? So we still celebrate anniversaries? I found out 6 days after our anniversary I can't even wear my wedding ring and am just wearing my eternity ring to keep up appearances. I just feel so destroyed by this one minute and then the next I think am I really going to throw a 20 year relationship away for what was basically a friend's with benefits situation that involved half a dozen sexual encounters and some sexts (there was never any dates, presents, pillow talk etc). I just don't know 😩

Wood thrush...your posts really help especially getting a male perspective...it reminds me not all men cheat! I don't want to become a man hater! I really wish I did have a faith but I'm finding it hard especially as we got married in a church and a year later had my son christened in same church whilst unbeknownst to me my husband was cheating on me 😔

I’m struggling today too Evio, my self esteem is at rock bottom, I feel completely worthless.

I can’t believe my H did this, I mean who messes around with a colleague half his age, giving her a lift home after work and having a kiss and touch
on and off for over 2 YEARS! how old is he 15, what a f**king loser!. What the hell was he playing at?, risking your whole family for some stupid little whore who was blowing smoke up your arse offering herself on a plate. How on earth he came home to me and gave me a kiss every night when he got home blows my mind, I should smash his face in!. 25 years marriage down the shit pipe to get your d**k rubbed by someone old enough to be your daughter, what an absolute joke of a man. I don’t know who’s the biggest idiot him or me for being as loyal, faithful, dedicated and completely devoted to him and our family, only to be stabbed in the back by the only man Ive ever loved. I wish he’d have let me know, I could have gone and got myself felt up too.
Rant over.
I have my wedding ring on, I have not removed it because I’m still married, married to a weak, broken idiot who’s desperately trying to fix himself and become a better man. I deserve better, I deserve much better but for now he’s my idiot.

Bruce, if is was your best friend going through this, and her husband was cheating, would you think she was less than? Would you think his actions had anything to do with her worth? Of course not. Because it doesn’t. You need to be your own best friend and treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend.

He did those things. It had nothing to do with you. That was his weakness and lack of character.

Treat yourself like you are your own best friend. Really.

BearlyBreathing....that is such wonderful advice. You are right.

Bruce, I have felt very same things...it hurts so bad. I think...boy what a loser I was to have my precious fiance value me so little, she could go make out and get felt up by some stranger. It hits us so hard.

We know we have value as a person ....but we wanted to have value TO THEM!!!! There is the hurt.

It's so bloody hard isn't it Bruce. I can't believe we are both going through this like so many others here. It's not fair. We don't deserve it 😔

Woodthrush, my H answers all questions and at any time. Since DD I have asked questions every single waking hour of the day, he’s had time off work and been grilled for weeks at a time I’ve been absolutely relentless. I feel absolutely exhausted and still can’t really make any sense of things, the whole A seems so childish.
Some things he can’t answer and says he doesn’t know what he was thinking himself which really frustrates me as I want an answer.
I have not asked him anything for a few days because I know the answer so that must mean he’s told me it enough times and I’m happy with it???. There’s also things I’ve thought to ask and then thought to myself does it matter? So I’ve just not asked. All in all, I know what happened and how far it went, I have a timeline and I have some why’s not all.
I’m not sure how long I should be asking questions but for now I’m sick of it.

Bearlybreathing,
Thank you your kind words have brought me comfort, you are right!.

Bruce how has your week been?

I feel we have both had a bit of a breakthrough with therapy and I have a bit more understanding around the affair. Hoping I can continue to remain calm and open to healing but know peri menopause often has other ideas! But for now I going into the weekend feeling more positive than I have in weeks. I think I have to grab the positives when I can!

Evio, I’m glad you are having a little positivity and I hope your weekend was good.

I’m still stuck in the same old rut of trying to piece everything together, the fact he can’t tell me an exact number of times he kissed her drives me mental, I know it shouldn’t and it’s like I’m digging for more things that just hurt me but I can’t accept not knowing.
Today is a lot better than yesterday.
Some days I see the positive some days I’m in agony and some days I want to run away.

I’m very angry, very angry. Why is AP getting on with her life happy as Larry, my H still has me and our family and I’m the one suffering, I understand H is in pain too I can see it but I’ve got the shit end of the stick here.

Ruminating. I hate it.
VW cars I hate them.